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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23424793">The Etiquette of Smoking</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kallious/pseuds/Kallious'>Kallious</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Filthy Frank -Fandom, Joji Miller -Fandom, Video Blogging RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Eventual Smut, F/M, GeorgeMiller, Idubbbz - Freeform, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, JojiMiller, Maxmoefoe - Freeform, Mental Health Issues, Niki - Freeform, Past Rape/Non-con, Recreational Drug Use, Romance, Sex, Slow Burn, Substance Abuse, filthyfrank - Freeform, ian carter - Freeform, max stanley - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 10:01:04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>62</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>157,799</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23424793</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kallious/pseuds/Kallious</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"We shouldn't be doing this, Joji." I tried to reason, but my words held no weight. His grip on my waist tightened, pulling my body down to his so I was now straddling his hips. He gave a pleased smile as he pulled the straps of my top down my shoulders.<br/>"You're mine, remember?" He mumbled, sitting up just enough to scatter hot kisses on my neck and I knew I was done for.</p><p>~COMPLETE~</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>George "Joji" Miller/Original Character(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>102</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Wake Up</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Thursday morning, I got off the bus down the street from Broadway and Covert and made my way to the coffee shop I'd been employed at for a little over 2 years. We were known for serving overpriced coffee and burnt avocado toast but I loved it. The environment was everything I expected from Brooklyn: rough but beautiful. It was unique in a way that back home wasn't. Not saying I didn't miss the city I grew up in, because I did, but Brooklyn felt more like home to me than California ever did.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was 7:26 am and overcast, my favorite weather second only to rain storms. My manager called me this morning with some news that I'm positive is the raise I've been working toward for 5 months. The opportunity to receive the raise would be given to the employee who showed the most potential to replace our current manager, Jackie, as she would be moving to a new state soon. Indiana, I think? It really came down to me and my coworker, Rebecca, who was great to work with but a pain to deal with on a personal level. Rebecca was extremely professional, quick and smart, but she had a history of making nasty comments to me and our other coworkers. I like to think she simply prefers to work independently and isn't a strong team player, which is fine. If I was being honest with myself, she'd thrive in a leadership position, but I would as well. We had 4 other coworkers that I work with on rotation but none of the others posed as great a threat to the promotion as Rebecca.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>If I received the raise, I'd be almost guaranteed the promotion which meant a salary raise of double what I make now which is practically nothing. I'd be lying if I said this wasn't important to me, so with that in mind, I straightened my coat, put on my best smile and strutted through the doors of the shop.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Immediately my senses were flooded with the sweet scent of coffee. Vanilla, hazelnut, classic dark roast, all filled the air and made me grin. The little bell above the door rung over my head with my arrival. The shop was busy, unsurprisingly. Its 7:30am on a weekday, people are getting their morning dosage before heading to work. I spotted Jackie working on an order behind the counter and tried to quickly make my way to the back room to help her. I wasn't working today but with the line of people waiting to order I knew it would be a great help to her if I jumped in. Plus, it didn't hurt my chances of looking like manager material.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>However, as I moved around a table towards the back room, I felt a body collide hard into mine. I let out a small "</span>
  <span>oof</span>
  <span>" as I was shouldered to the side and looked at the person who had been in such a rush that they walked right into me. A man with a black baseball cap pulled over his eyes barely glanced at me before muttering so low I could barely hear him. "S-sorry...I-sorry." And then he retreated quickly from the shop and out onto the street. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Strange</span>
  </em>
  <span>, I thought, but brushed the interaction off and continued to the back room. While behind the employee break room door, I hung off my coat and replaced it with a clean apron. Pulling a tie from the front pocket of my jeans, I quickly tied my hair up into a ponytail and pushed the doors back out to the shop open.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>The second Jackie saw me a look of uncertainty crossed her face. I noticed only because of how confused I was to see it. She'd never looked at me like that before and for a moment I worried the raise I'd worked hard for was in jeopardy.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>I tied the strings of my apron behind my back as I approached the counter and began taking orders from the man in front of me. One large black drip coffee and an egg and cheese bagel. I took the man's ten-dollar bill to make change while I called out the order to my coworkers behind me. I caught the quick look of appreciation and sadness on Jackie's face as I worked my way through the growing line of customers.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>About 45 minutes later the crowd had calmed down enough for Jackie to be able to pull me aside so my coworkers who were on the clock could take over.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You know working off the clock is illegal, right?" Jackie said to me in the back room as she removed her apron. I copied her actions, untying my apron and tossing it in the hamper. Her tone was playful, a drastic change from the looks I witnessed earlier...perhaps she was just stressed.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Add it to my time sheet," I smiled and followed her to her personal office which was pretty much just a storage closet with a desk, computer, and 3 chairs. I sat across from her, watching as she rounded her desk and turned on her PC. When she sat, she let out a loud sigh and looked me straight on. I watched the sadness return to her face and somehow, I just knew.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Liv..." She began with a frown, but I stopped her in the hopes of saving the awkward talk she was about to give.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I didn't get the raise." I stated as a fact. Jackie pursed her lips, her face contorting into an unreadable expression. She took a deep breath before she spoke again.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I'm letting you go," She spoke softly and calmly, waiting for my reaction. I watched her for a minute, looking for any signs of hidden humor on her face but there were none. When I didn't reply she continued, this time avoiding eye contact. "I'm really sorry Olivia. We have to make layoffs thanks to this new tax bill and unfortunately you're one of the people I had to cut."</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Oh." Was all I said as she frowned at me.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You'll be compensated for today, of course, I know you were joking before, but I'll definitely be adding it to your last paycheck. You can put me down as a reference for your resume, I have no problem giving you a glowing recommendation."</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>I looked down at my hands in my lap and thought about how funny it was that I fully expected to be moving up at my job today, only to be fired instead. It really was pretty funny.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Olivia?" Jackie called to me, drawing my attention back up to her face. She looked at me curiously as I smiled back at her.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I'm sorry, I understand, I just..." I couldn't wipe the smile from my face despite the sadness quickly growing inside me, "That's it?"</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jackie nodded, "Unfortunately yes. But look, you always have a place here if you ever want to come back. I'm sure Rebecca would-." I cut her off quickly, placing a hand on her desk a little too loudly.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Rebecca? You're promoting Rebecca?"</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>"It was a tough decision, Liv. Again, I'm really sorry." Jackie stated, looking between me and her computer screen. The sinking feeling of my reality set in then and I suddenly felt sick. Jackie's eyes flicked back to me, taking in whatever the look on my face was.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You've been a great manager. Thank you." I said as calmly as I could muster. I may have just lost my job of 2 years, but I didn't need to burn the bridge of a potential resume reference...right?</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>I stood up and quietly made my way out of her office. I heard Jackie call farewell to me just before I closed the door.  </span>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Rain on Me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>After collecting my belongings in the back room, I took one last look at the coffee shop I’d planned on expanding someday and said my quiet goodbyes. I knew with certainty I would never work here again, Rebecca disliked me far too much to hire me.  </p><p>As I stepped outside, the previously overcast sky had turned dark gray and stormy. A small droplet found vacancy on the tip of my nose, like a sweet kiss from the sky. I had stopped smiling moments ago but suddenly it returned to my lips. Nothing about the position I was in right now was okay, but that’s okay, right? I try to look for the positive in every situation. Maybe this didn’t work out because something else greater was waiting for me, like, maybe next year I’ll own my own shop. Although coffee isn’t what I’m passionate about, maybe a bookstore instead. Or a bookstore with a coffee shop inside? These thoughts consumed me as I walked to the nearest bus stop. I tried not to let the increasing intensity of the rain bother me. Rainstorms are one of my favorite things in the world, but I wasn’t exactly in the mood for one right now. I didn’t have an umbrella, or even a hood on my coat, but I did have the advantage of the thick metal rails of the metro overhead to block some of the rain.  </p><p>I pulled my coat to cover my head as much as I could when the rain suddenly became a heavy downpour. I felt like I was living in a movie or a music video or something. Deep down, the more cynical side of me grumbled that this was the worst day I’ve ever had, but that was quickly overtaken by my natural optimism that assured me that everyone has these kinds of days…sometimes much worse, so I should be grateful.  </p><p>I could clearly see the bus before me, so I tried to jog a little to make it before it left without me. The rain came down quickly and heavily, people around me either jogging to avoid it or strolling calmly with their umbrellas protecting them. I really need to work on planning ahead.  </p><p>“Wait!” I called, picking up my pace and taking note of the uncomfortable feeling of squishing as my wet sneakers hit the ground. It was like some weird out of body experience when the bus left right in front of me. It had never happened to me before and was honestly a little jarring. I was forced to face my options now: walk home, which was about 32 minutes on foot. Not bad on a normal day, but with the way this rainstorm was coming down, definitely not ideal. Wait for the next bus which would take roughly 30 minutes depending on traffic, or…I could call Gavin. </p><p>I quickly weighed my options in my head before sighing and pulling my phone from my back pocket, noting the small bit of moisture on the screen from my pocket, but thankfully not much. I struggled for a minute to use my fingerprint ID before giving up and typing my password in instead. I don’t know why a little bit of moisture makes my phone accuse me of property theft, it’s incredibly frustrating. Once unlocked, I searched for Gavin’s contact and held the phone to my ear as it rang.  </p><p>I searched my surroundings, thinking about taking a seat at the bus bench but the small puddle of water sitting on it deterred me, so instead I stood under the tiny shelter the bus stop provided. The rain hadn’t let up yet and if anything, it grew stronger. Puddles were already forming on the ground that acted as mirrors of the sky above them. Tiny gray skies on the ground all around me. </p><p>“Hello.” Gavin’s voice came through the other end sounding tired.  </p><p>“Hi, um…could you come get me?” I asked timidly. I knew it was pretty early for him to be awake and I hated inconveniencing him, or anyone for that matter. </p><p>“What? Where are you?” He asked a little more alert than before. I know I had woken him up completely now. An old woman walked past me just then, giving me a sour look and sitting on the wet bench behind me. I stepped away from her and muttered my apologies for being in the way. She simply huffed at me and continued to stare straight ahead. </p><p>“At the last stop before work.” I cringed at the memory of what had just transpired mere minutes ago. I heard shuffling on the other end before Gavin sighed. </p><p>“Why can’t you take the bus home?” He asked grumpily and made movement sounds which told me he had gotten out of bed. My eyes flickered around to the old lady sitting behind me as I wondered if she was listening to my conversation.  </p><p>“I…” I debated telling him about my fresh unemployment then but because of the vicinity of the stranger next to me I decided it would be less embarrassing to wait until I saw Gavin in person, “I missed it and its raining pretty hard out here.”  </p><p>Gavin didn’t reply right away, probably weighing whether or not he wanted to come pick me up, which at this point, I hoped he didn’t so I could have more time to build up the courage to tell him I got fired today. My missing paycheck was undoubtedly going to make our budget tighter and be a cause for conflict.  </p><p>“Yep, I’ll be there. Meet me at Paddy’s.” He sighed. My brow furrowed at his request before I realized he probably wanted to grab a drink. I frowned. </p><p>“Gav it’s 8:30…” I tried softly to approach the sensitive subject I knew was going to set him off. A sharp inhale on the other line told me I was right, and I braced for whatever was about to come. </p><p>“And? I’m driving all the way down there to pick your ass up, who cares what time it is!” He argued before hanging up on me. I slowly let out the breath I’d held in gratitude that he hadn’t escalated the situation beyond yelling at me. The arguments we’d had over his drinking were a regular occurrence although lately I found myself less and less inclined to dissuade him from ordering an 8th or 9th drink. It’s not that I didn’t care anymore, because I very much do, but I learned to mostly hold my tongue when it came that subject because anything I had to say would only be received negatively. Instead, I did little things like hiding his almost empty bottles so he wouldn’t be able to finish the full thing or filling them a little with water.  I did what I had to do to support him because that what a good girlfriend does…right? </p><p>The old woman next to me met my gaze and gave me a pitiful look before averting her gaze once again. Yeah, she definitely heard. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. It's Never Sunny</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The walk to Paddy’s wasn’t very far, it was just around the corner and down the street from the bus stop I had previously been standing at. Because it was raining though, I was soaked through by the time I got to the bar and wishing I had just waited for another bus instead of calling Gavin. I would have ended up with soggy shoes either way but at least I wouldn’t have gotten him involved. I sighed as I pushed the door to the bar open and was hit immediately by the thick stench of cigarette smoke. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Putrid</span>
  </em>
  <span>, I thought, as I hobbled over to the bar and found a stool on the end to slide myself on to. The bartender came to stand in front of me and gave me a once over before chuckling lightly, the action made his thick walrus looking mustache bounce in a funny way. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Tough day?” He asked, reaching under the counter for a short, clean glass. I moved my soaked strands of hair away from my face and tucked them behind my ear. My hair that had been pulled into a ponytail back at the coffee shop now hung low on my neck as it was weighed heavy by rainwater. The feel of it on the back of my neck made me incredibly uncomfortable but it would</span>
  <span> be rude to ring it out in here, so I dealt with the discomfort. When Gavin got here, I could ring my ponytail out outside before I got in his car. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah…you could say that,” I replied and watched as the man poured a bit of whiskey into the glass and slide it toward me. “Thank you.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“To warm you up.” He nodded, moving back to the other end of the bar to tend to one of the only other customers here. A man with a black baseball cap pulled over…his eyes. I observed him more closely, squinting to try to see his face beneath the shadow his cap cast. I recognized him as the person who ran into me at the shop an hour ago. He had a cigarette clutched between his lips, that much I could see, but no other discernible features. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I looked away before I caught his attention and embarrassed myself for being caught staring. Clutching the glass in my hand, I watched the dark brown liquid swish around. I’m really not much of a drinker, I’d had maybe 3 drinks in my life and one of them doesn’t really count because it was only 2 sips of beer before I threw up. The taste of alcohol had to be completely shrouded for me to enjoy it and had to be a fruity, girly drink. I’ve never had anything straight and hard like whiskey before, so I was apprehensive. </span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You know you’re supposed to drink it?” A deep voice asked from my left. My head shot to look at the baseball cap man who’s face I still couldn’t see but who had his head turned ever so slightly in my direction. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, I’m just not a drinker.” I replied, swirling the liquid around again and frowning at the strong scent that wafted up from it. It did not smell appetizing at all, if anything it smelled like old lady perfume. I don’t know why anyone would voluntarily drink something like that.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re not a drinker but you’re in a bar at,” he mumbled but stopped to look behind us at the large wooden clock on the wall, “9 in the morning?” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He had me there, I’ll admit. I sat up straighter and cleared my throat before speaking again. “Well, I’m waiting for someone. I wasn’t planning on having anything to drink.” I didn’t want to throw the bartender under the bus but in my defense, it was the truth. The bartender in question grunted in response and turned his back to continue cutting lemons behind the bar. I silently apologized to him, hoping I hadn’t insulted him. Before I go, I would need to remember to tip him nicely for the drink and his service.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s what they all say.” The man smirked, throwing back the last of whatever was in his own glass and making a face of disgust after he swallowed. The cigarette he held in his left hand was nearly down to the butt as he flicked it over the nearly full ashtray in front of him. I wondered briefly if he was the sole cause of the strong smoke stench in the room. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Well why are you here at 9 in the morning?” The words fell from my mouth before I could stop them and bit my bottom lip in hopes of inflicting enough pain as punishment for my mouth’s lack of filter. Baseball cap man’s body stiffened at my question and before I was able to apologize for my brash behavior the door of the bar opened suddenly, letting in light from outside as well as a burst of cold air. I turned to look at who had come in and felt my blood grow cold. Gavin made his way to the stool beside mine, wasting no time in ordering a scotch and soda. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey.” I greeted when he was done speaking to the bartender. His eyes looked tired as they met mine. He must not have gotten much sleep last night and then I went and woke him. I should have just walked or waited on the next bus.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Why are you down here in the first place? Aren’t you off today?” He asked me, ignoring my greeting. Now was still not the time to tell him about my job so I held off. He eyed the glass that sat in front of me as I spoke, and I knew he wanted it. I cursed myself for not getting rid of it somehow before he got here.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh yeah, I wasn’t supposed to, but they needed help so.” It wasn’t entirely a lie; they did need help but that was not the reason Jackie called me in. Without much hesitation he reached over to grab my glass before downing it in one gulp.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I knew I’d likely be driving us home again after this and only hoped he wouldn’t want to stay very long. I wanted to get out of these wet clothes and possibly cry in the shower a bit before the end of the day. Beyond Gavin, baseball cap man smashed his cigarette in the ashes of his ashtray and pulled a fresh, new cigarette from the box in his jacket pocket. I watched him hold his hand over the flame of his lighter in an effort to keep wind from blowing it out, which I thought was funny because we were in a stagnant air filled room but I chalked it up to force of habit on his part. His jaw pushed forward until the cigarette was lit, then it returned to its normal position.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Gavin grunted beside me as he received his drink and began working on it. I watched him for a minute as his Adam’s apple bobbed in his throat with each gulp. When we were younger, he used to chug coca cola like that, as fast as he could in an effort to get enough carbonation in his belly to make a violently loud burp. The memory made me smile for a second before it turned downward. Memories of Gavin from better times were all that consumed me when I was around him. I knew he was depressed, but no amount of counseling or anti-depressants were enough to help him. I tried my best to force down the memories that threatened to return when I thought about Gavin’s depression. We had been through a lot together and I’d been his only stable emotion support for the last 10 years. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He needed me</span>
  </em>
  <span>, I thought as I watched him put down the empty glass and order another. I knew I was failing him right now, but it was the only thing that made him happy, and when he was </span>
  <span>drunk</span>
  <span> he was happy…he reminded me of when he was younger. The dark realization that my selfish desire to see him like he used to be, even if that meant letting him get plastered, crept up and I once again forced myself to push it down.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I looked away from Gavin </span>
  <span>and instead chose to focus on the beauty of the </span>
  <span>polished wood bar I sat at. </span>
  <span>A large </span>
  <span>wooden</span>
  <span> sign reading “Paddy’s Pub” </span>
  <span>sat above the bar</span>
  <span>. </span>
  <span>Small green lights surrounded the sign</span>
  <span> and strung above the liquor shelves. There was a distinct ‘Irish’ theme implemented in the bar, as </span>
  <span>exhibited by the </span>
  <span>green 4 leaf clovers </span>
  <span>stuck</span>
  <span> on the walls</span>
  
  <span>randomly around the room.</span>
  
  <span>2 other patrons sat in the booths </span>
  <span>off to the side, drinking quietly</span>
  <span> and browsing their phones. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I faintly heard the sound of Gavin ordering a 3</span>
  <span>rd</span>
  <span> drink</span>
  
  <span>as I turned back around </span>
  <span>in </span>
  <span>the stool.</span>
  
  
</p><p>
  <span>A glance at Gavin brought my attention to a brightly blowing red light</span>
  <span> behind him. The tip of baseball cap man’s</span>
  
  <span>cigarette was pointed at me</span>
  <span>, indicating he was watching me. I </span>
  <span>quickly looked away in embarrassment</span>
  <span> and from the corner of my eye, I saw him do the same. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“So, when do you think we can get going? My clothes are completely soaked through from the rain.” I </span>
  <span>said lowly so only Gavin could hear. He </span>
  <span>took a sip of his beer before answering, looking me up and down.</span>
  <span> He had to have seen the way water </span>
  <span>dripped from my clothes and hair </span>
  <span>onto the floor.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Soon, we just got here.” Was his reply, looking away from me. I nodded to myself. I knew his response would be something like that, I just hoped my appearance would exhibit the discomfort I felt. Something that sounded like a loud huff sounded from across the bar, catching both mine and Gavin’s attention.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Got a problem?” Gavin </span>
  <span>glared at baseball cap man</span>
  <span>, his shoulders </span>
  <span>rigid and tense. </span>
  <span>Baseball man </span>
  <span>put out his </span>
  <span>current cigarette in the ashtray before he replied. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I do,” He muttered, pulling out a black leather wallet and tossing bills onto the counter. “Take your girl home, look at her.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I braced myself, my jaw locked as I watched Gavin react to baseball cap man’s words. I prayed to whatever force was listening to make baseball cap man go away before Gavin lost it. My </span>
  <span>boyfriend surprised me by laughing inappropriately loud and turning his whole body to face the opposing man. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t you mind your business?” Gavin </span>
  <span>hissed,</span>
  <span> his voice laced with anger. It was a threat, I knew. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Please baseball cap man, please just go</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Instead, he made it worse by coming closer and looking directly at me. I tried my best to make out his face again but all I could clearly see was the stubble on his chin and the tip of his nose beneath his hat. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, do you want a ride home?</span>
  <span>” He was addressing me directly</span>
  <span>. “</span>
  <span>I’ll </span>
  <span>take you straight home</span>
  <span>, you don’t have to sit there</span>
  <span> waiting for him.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>His offer warmed me, but also gave me a straight spike of anxiety. I deeply appreciated this stranger’s kindness and his genuine offer, but I knew things were about to get bad he didn’t leave soon. I’ve seen what Gavin c</span>
  <span>an do and I didn’t want it, not ever, but especially not today of all days. The last thing I wanted was to sit in a police station filling out an eyewitness report for another fight Gavin got into. Before I could answer, however, the man beside me stood up to his full height which towered over both me and baseball cap guy. Gavin stood at a tall 6 foot 5 and although he wasn’t known for his muscles, he was known for scaring the crap out of smaller competitors with his height. I noted from the corner of my eye, the bartender who was watching the exchange tensed, possibly in preparation for a fight.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“She doesn’t want your ride, now fuck off out of here before I knock your fucking teeth out.” Gavin seethed. I watched as they glared at each other before the stranger’s head turned towards mine seeking a response. While I was </span>
  <span>amazed</span>
  <span> he didn’t back down to my boyfriend, and I was appreciative of his concern for me, I just couldn’t leave, so I looked away. If I left Gavin here it would only make things worse.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine.” The stranger replied, glaring at Gavin one last time before leaving the bar. When Gavin sat back down, he took his glass in hand and poured what was left of the beer down his throat.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>With a laugh he said, “Can you believe that fucking guy?”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I shook my head no and kept quiet for next 2 hours as we sat together at the bar. I felt ashamed at the way I handled that situation but hoped that somehow baseball cap guy knew I was grateful for his concern. On the bright side, I was only damp by the time we got to go home, and Gavin was heavily intoxicated when I told him the bad news, so it wasn’t too bad.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I did not look forward to tomorrow when I’d have to explain to him sober why I wouldn’t be going in</span>
  
  <span>to work.</span>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Papa Bless</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>I scrolled through Indeed on my phone the next morning in my search for new employment. So far, I’d applied for 7 jobs around Brooklyn that seemed within my capabilities like waitressing, warehouse worker, and delivery driver for a local pizza place. </span>
  <span>I never finished college, unfortunately. It was no one's fault but my own. I gave up when things at home got too difficult and I could no longer focus. I could go back someday; finish my business degree so I could work on my bookstore idea from yesterday.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Gavin’s snore sounded from the bedroom to my left. I’d brought him home yesterday from the bar only to watch him in discontent as he kept the party going by himself, drinking whatever we had left in the cabinets. It was currently 11 in the morning and I’d planned to go out job searching today before actually breaking the news to Gavin in the hopes that a new job would soften the blow. He would be out for another few hours, I’m sure, which gave me plenty of time to get out looking. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>So far, I’d received a few ‘thank you for applying’ emails </span>
  <span>which I want to believe is an automated response and not their rejection of me</span>
  <span>, </span>
  <span>when a new notification popped up. An</span>
  <span> email</span>
  <span> with the subject: </span>
  <span>YOUR JOB INQUIRY and the text body reading:</span>
  <span> ‘when are you free for an interview?’ I </span>
  <span>emailed back to them that I was free today and </span>
  <span>not long after</span>
  <span> I had my first interview in 2 years </span>
  <span>at noon today. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I showered and dressed as quickly and quietly as I could to not wake Gavin. I’d showered last night after coming home from the bar in an attempt to wash the rainwater and stench of cigarette smoke off me, so I skipped washing my hair this morning as it was already clean. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Cool but casual</span>
  </em>
  <span>, I thought to myself as I searched for something appropriate to wear to my interview. A blazer would be too much, but a t-shirt would not be enough. I had a few nice blouses but most of them were too lowcut and seemed hardly suitable. The forecast called only for a 10% chance of rain today with cloudy skies and wind. I had checked the weather this morning in an effort to start planning ahead. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>With that in mind however, I dressed as comfortably as I could, so I put on a long sleeve black shirt, jeans, sneakers, and an oversized navy-blue sweater. I really wasn’t much into fashion, but I desperately wanted to be. Whenever I tried branching outside of my comfort zone, I found that nothing looked good on me, so I retreated to constantly wearing the same types and colors of clothing. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I left the apartment quietly</span>
  <span> and</span>
  <span> made my way to the outside of my building. </span>
  <span>The forecast had been correct. Cloudy, but not nearly as dark or thick as yesterday’s clouds. It would likely stay this way all day before clearing up at night</span>
  <span>. My interview was only 4 blocks over from my apartment and with no rain getting in my way, I decided to walk.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The duration of my walk consisted of practicing my talking points like my weaknesses, my strengths, and gathering stories of my</span>
  <span> achievements</span>
  
  <span>from my </span>
  <span>previous</span>
  
  <span>job.</span>
  <span> My hands shook a </span>
  <span>little,</span>
  <span> but I sucked in a deep breath and </span>
  <span>straightened up before walking into the old </span>
  <span>nightclub</span>
  <span>. I could do this.</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>══════</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“So, we need people pretty desperately. Business has been slow, but we get rented out for bachelor parties and bat mitzvahs a lot,” The older man in front of me spoke, pulling papers from the metal drawer of his desk and placing them in front of me. “Can you wait tables five nights a week? That includes weekends since they are the busiest. Mondays and Tuesdays are the slowest so you can take those off.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I </span>
  <span>read the </span>
  <span>papers in front of me. Forms for W-2s and </span>
  <span>employer provided insurance. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh, how much was it hourly, again?” I asked timidly, looking back up at him. His name tag read ‘Ethan’ and he had a prominent double chin covered in spotty black facial hair. The hair that sat in curls on his head, however, was more covered in gray than black. His t shirt was too tight and accommodated several stains that looks a bit like barbeque sauce or perhaps dried blood. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Fourteen plus tips.” He grunted, sitting back until his chair hit the wall behind him. I made 12.08 as a barista at the coffee shop and all the tips we’d collected were divided up among all of us which usually left me with somewhere between 5 to 10 bucks on good days. Not only had I managed to find a new job right away, but it paid even better than my old one. It must have been meant to be.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll do it.” I stated confidently, reaching out my hand to take </span>
  <span>Ethan</span>
  <span>’s in a shake. </span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>══════</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The walk home had me carrying a folder full of important tax and insurance documents and 4 new black shirts I’d be given as my new uniform. </span>
  <span>Ethan</span>
  <span> had told me they were not required but st</span>
  <span>ron</span>
  <span>gly encouraged as they had the club’s name and phone number on the back. I couldn’t be happier with the direction this day was taking…that was until I walked into my apartment to see Gavin spread out on the couch. His eyes immediately glued themselves to the items I was carrying so I scurried to put them down on the dining table before he could read anything that would spoil the surprise. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Where have you been?” He groaned from the </span>
  <span>couch;</span>
  <span> his voice rough but assertive. I turned around to face him, trying desperately to hide the smile on my face.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I have good news,” I announced, coming around to sit in the armchair across from him. His mouth set in a flat line as I watched me. I waited a couple of seconds with no response from him, so I continued. “I got a new job that makes fourteen an hour plus tips!”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>His eyebrows </span>
  <span>furrowed as he looked at me in confusion</span>
  <span>. “New job?”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes! Isn’t that great? The only real downside is that I’ll be working weekends but only at night so we can spend the mornings and afternoons together.” I smiled at him, hoping he’d agreed that the new job was indeed good news. The look on his face told me he was still skeptical. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What? What happened to your old job? I’m confused.” He brought a fist to his left eye, rubbing away some of the sleep that was left in them. He was still in his t-shirt and boxers, the outfit he’d gone to bed in last night. He must’ve just woken up.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>Well,</span>
  <span> I-uh I was let go from the shop yesterday, but it doesn’t matter now because I just got this better job.” I stood, walking over to the table to pick up one of the shirts I was given and handing it to him to show off the club name on the back.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>His eyes widened. “Isn’t this a titty bar?” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What? Of course not! It’s just a club! You know with like dancing and music and stuff. They do bat mitzvahs.” I added quickly. Gavin narrowed his eyes at me and gently laid the shirt down on the arm of the couch beside him.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s a titty bar, Liv. My coworkers took me there once, they go regularly.” He mumbled, looking directly into my eyes. I frowned in disappointment. The thought that the club might have been a topless bar did cross my mind, but </span>
  <span>Ethan</span>
  <span> never said anything about needing me to be topless for the position.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Well…I don’t know, but I’m not going to be topless</span>
  <span>. I was given shirts.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The expression on his face never changed from </span>
  <span>the </span>
  <span>blank</span>
  <span> stare he held, however, the emotions in his eyes ranged from </span>
  <span>disappointment to </span>
  <span>frustration. </span>
  <span>The awkward silence finally broke with a deep sigh from his lips.</span>
  <span> His head rolled back</span>
  <span> so he was staring at the ceiling.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not a good idea and I don’t want you working there,” Gavin said</span>
  <span>, </span>
  <span>still staring up. “The</span>
  <span>y’ll eventually pressure you into</span>
  <span> taking your shirt off</span>
  <span> for more tips.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“How would you know that?” I asked quietly.</span>
  
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Because it’s common sense? I said no, find another job,” he snapped before sitting up and heading towards our bedroom. “I need to get ready for work.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Something inside me twisted. I was upset, that much I could tell, but a frustration bubbled up inside too. I glared at the closed door of our bedroom as I sat and stewed. Memories of last night came to mind suddenly. I remembered how that baseball cap guy stood face to face with Gavin without flinching or backing down. I remember the warm feeling I got inside when he offered me his kindness. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Without thinking, I stood and quickly made my way to the master bathroom where Gavin was</span>
  <span>. I threw open the door</span>
  <span> an</span>
  <span>d stood tall as I </span>
  <span>confronted </span>
  <span>the </span>
  <span>stunned man with a toothbrush hanging out of his mouth.</span>
  
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m </span>
  <span>gonna</span>
  <span> work there,” I made eye contact with him through the mirror as I continued. “If they make me uncomfortable or ask me to go topless, I’ll quit but you can’t tell me where I can or can’t work.” I finished with a shaky tone. I’ll admit I lost my backbone a bit there, but it was still satisfying all the same. Gavin rolled his eyes and muttered “Whatever.” And that was that. I felt a bit of pride swell in my chest at what I’d just done. I fought for something I wanted and won.</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Hey, That's Pretty Good</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The next day was Saturday, and also my first day of work at the club. I arrived at 8pm sharp with my important documents filled out and signed, which I left in Ethan’s office before promptly heading to the employee break room to store my bag. It was dingy, I’ll give Gavin that. The club wasn’t dirty or anything but it held a sort of depressing vibe to it that was so subtle I almost missed it. The break room was tiny, only containing a set of 6 lockers, a small kitchenette, and one table with 3 cheap plastic chairs. I was assigned locker 4 and given a lock to secure my personal items after Ethan assured me that no one would steal anything...but to lock my stuff anyway and proceeding to shove a theft waiver in my hands that said if anything of mine was stolen, he was not to be held responsible. Nevertheless, I was excited. I stored my small brown leather backpack in the locker and removed my coat to squeeze in there as well. Gavin wasn’t so pleased to watch me try on my new uniform that was a couple sizes too small and looked like it could fit a toddler. The black shirt clung to my upper body in a way that made me a little self-conscious. I didn’t have a bad figure, but like everyone, I wasn’t satisfied with it. The bottom of the shirt ended just above my belly button, which I knew was going to be a problem because I was already pulling it down every few minutes in an effort to stretch it. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I wore my hair down today in an effort to make a great first impression on the customers and my new coworkers. I also put a little extra effort into my makeup which wasn’t bad but certainly not good either. I'd been doing my own makeup since high school and I still couldn’t perfect winged </span>
  <span>eyeliner;</span>
  <span> it was crafted by the devil to toy with me. I adjusted my shirt again, stretching it down in the front and brushing my sweaty palms off on my jeans before closing and locking my locker.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The main room was significantly darker than the break room. The lights overhead </span>
  <span>were</span>
  <span> off, but colored lights of blue, pink, and green took its place in lightening up the room. Colors were everywhere: as spot lights for the dance floor, string lights on the walls, and neon signs behind the bar. The bar itself was back lit with a brilliant blue that made the bottles mounted on the wall glow with its hue. The room was loud as some hip-hop beat blared throughout. I knew I had to grab a tray and name tag from behind the bar, as per Ethan’s request, but I was also looking forward to introducing myself to my new coworkers as well. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Suddenly a small brunette woman with her breasts bared stepped in front of me and smiled. “Hi! You must be the new hire! I’m Niki!” She stuck her hand out to me for a shake. Although stunned, I gladly accepted her hand and returned her smile.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m Olivia, it's great to meet you.” I tried to hide the nervousness from my tone while also maintaining direct eye contact with her. It was kind of difficult not to look down, </span>
  <span>I'll</span>
  <span> admit. It was extremely strange seeing a woman’s breasts right in front of me.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s so great to meet you! Let me know if you need anything, okay?” She smiled one last time before waving and walking past me toward the break room. I stood in place for a minute while my brain rebooted. Alright...temporary hiccup, that’s fine, I will get used to it. I took notice that the club was pretty busy, especially for a Saturday night. Ethan</span>
  
  <span>had mentioned that business was slow but I suppose the weekends really were the exception. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I moved through the crowd swiftly in the direction of the bar. Bodies collided into mine, making me stumble a little but emerge unharmed. I placed my hands down at the full bar, taking in the number of patrons that stood behind the sitting ones, waiting for their orders to be taken. 1 single bartender paced behind the counter, serving the crowd of awaiting customers. </span>
  <em>
    <span>They would certainly need to hire another if they were going to be this busy on the weekends.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The bartender looked to be about my age, I noticed, as he rushed around. He was tall and slender with large glasses that sat on his face and light brown hair that was trimmed short on the sides and left long on the top. He was quick at his work, pulling glasses out from under the counter, adding ice, pouring soda in the glass with a nozzle, lightly dressing the glass with a shot of vodka, and passing it to a customer before moving on to the next drink. I really didn’t want to interrupt him so I tried to slide behind the bar as inconspicuously as I could to look for my tray and nametag. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>That didn’t work, however, as he immediately noticed me crouched behind the bar and shuffling through the cabinets. “Hey get out of there!” He yelled at me. I looked up sheepishly and stood to my feet.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I'm sorry, I'm just looking for my name tag and a serving tray. I’m new, I don’t know where anything is, I was told--” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah yeah. Trays are in the far left cabinet, name tags in the drawer right in front of you.” He yelled over to me, returning to his work. The music never ceased and if anything, it grew louder, so I had to yell back for him to hear me.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you!” I couldn’t even hear myself yelling so I hoped he heard. I returned to my task, following his directions. I found everything I needed quickly and moved out from behind the bar to begin working. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The sitting area in the back that overlooked the dance floor was about half full, with many people already having drinks in their hands. I decided to make the rounds and check on every table anyway to see if they need anything. Walking up the small platform to the dining area, I caught the attention of a man who had a woman in a very tiny sequin dress sitting across his lap. It looked like a private conversation that I normally wouldn’t have approached but he held his hand out with his index finger extended. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“An old-fashioned and... what do you want, sweetheart?” He purred to the young woman in front of him. She smiled lazily, never removing her eyes from his. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“A martini would be great, daddy,” She cooed back to him, stroking the length of his thigh. “Dirty.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I nodded at the man and left as quickly as I could. The exchange I’d just witnessed left me feeling awkward but so did meeting Niki a minute ago so I knew it was all part of the job that I'd get used to. As I made my way back down to the bar, the music shifted from the heavy hip hop that had been playing since I came in, to a softer beat. It was still hip hop, I could tell...the beat was still there and the bass was still thumping in my ears, but it was covered in a softer shroud of music that was calmer. I enjoyed it thoroughly. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Once I made it back to the bar, I stood uncertainly to the side and waited for the bartender to catch a free moment. A few minutes passed of me waiting, watching as he mixed drinks, before he glanced at me.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Need something?” He asked in amusement, clearly taking notice of my uncertainty. I offered a timid smile before clearing my throat and placing my empty tray down on the bar counter. I noticed a small stack of cocktail napkins in front of me and helped myself to a couple.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“A dirty martini and an old fashioned.” I replied, still trying to keep my voice over the loud music. He seemed to have heard me, however, as he nodded and started pulling out glasses. I watched as he swiftly measured out each liquid before adding them to a shaker and straining them into a martini glass. He skewered 2 olives on a toothpick and plopped it in the drink before sliding it over to me, then continued on making the second drink. I carefully set the martini down on my tray and briefly contemplated how I was going to safely get these drinks back across the room until the bartender’s voice </span>
  <span>interrupted</span>
  <span> me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re new?” He asked, crushing something in the glass with a muddler. I looked up at him and nodded. The lights on the dance floor were continuously shifting and right then they’d cast a very pink tone on him so it was hard to tell what color his eyes were.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, it's my first night. My name is Olivia.” I introduced myself. He smiled back at me, now pouring something out into his measurer and into the glass. The music shifted again, this time taking on a heavier and louder beat and making it hard to hear. I looked around, over to the crowd as they moved more enthusiastically with the change. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Ian. Nice to meet you!” He yelled over the escalating music and sliding the completed drink and a printed bill over to me once again. I yelled a quick thank you but before I could turn around, Ian called my attention again.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, when you get a chance would you mind heading over to the booth and asking Joji to turn this shit down? It’s ridiculously loud!” He grimaced, pointing in the direction of the dance floor. I nodded and continued back through the crowd as carefully as I could so I wouldn’t drop the drinks. They vibrated a bit in their glasses but that was mostly thanks to the rattle of the music in the air and not due to my incompetency. I slid through bodies, careful to avoid actually touching anyone but it was difficult. I was grateful to the people that noticed me and scooted out of my way, that was exceptionally kind of them. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Once I made it out of the crowd, I arrived at the foot of the platform that held the tables. I shuffled over to the customers as smoothly as I could, eagle eyed on the drinks as they sloshed lightly back and forth but never quite spilling. I stood before the man I’d previously spoken to as he and the woman on top of him visibly slid their tongues into each other’s mouths. Trying to fight back the urge to cringe was hard but I managed it by focusing on resting the drinks on the small table in front of them along with 2 small cocktail napkins and the bill for their order. They never looked at me, but I was completely okay with that. I looked around, instead, for anyone who may have been trying to catch my attention but everyone seemed pretty content. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Uncertainty filled me once again. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Should I still go around and ask if they need anything or </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>am</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span> I supposed to leave them in peace until they call for me?</span>
  </em>
  <span> I realize I hadn't seen Niki again since our first meeting and wondered if I was the only server out on the floor right now. The lights shifted again from pink to deep violet, casting everything in my vision in its shade. The dance floor had several different lights dancing around, along with a strobe light that seemed to thump with the music. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The music. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I decided that I should quickly try to fulfill Ian’s request before taking more orders so it would be easier to hear. I clutched my tray to my chest as I braved the crowd once again. The deeper into the crowd I got, the louder the music got until it was almost painful to my ears. It didn’t seem to bother anyone but me, however, as people smiled, danced, and drank all around. Another thing I'd just get used to I suppose? </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The front of the dance floor came to another platform where a DJ booth over looked the crowd by just a few inches and large speakers barricaded the front of his booth. They thumped violently with the bass of the song and rattled in my bones as well as I approached. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Before me, stood the DJ, a man with shaggy black hair that fell over his eyes and a cigarette clutched between his lips. His head nodded with the beat of the song as he worked, pressing a small box with light up keys before switching to the soundboard above it. He wore a pair of over the ear headphones and dark sunglasses that covered his eyes, which was strange considering we were in a nightclub and surely there was no need for them, right? The intensity of the song grew in my ears and sounded like pure noise at that point but I continued anyway. A light </span>
  <span>tap</span>
  <span> on the DJ’s shoulder alerted him to my presence and he turned his head in my direction. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi! Um, I’m so sorry to interrupt, but the bartender? Ian? He asked me to ask you to turn the music down!” I yelled and felt stupid by the time I’d finished the request. It felt like an insult I’d just delivered to him; this was his job and I’d just told him to cool it down. He looked at me for a solid minute, making me want to just turn around and run away back to my tables. I was sure he was about to tell me off when he pulled his headphones down, letting them hang down around his neck. He plucked the cigarette from his lips and said something to me that I couldn’t hear so I strained a bit closer to him.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” I yelled, dipping my head closer in an effort to get my ear close enough to pick up what he was saying. He pulled away from me and turned back to his sound booth, turning a knob and some sliding keys down. The music in the room lightened significantly, lowering in volume and intensity. The lights shifted along with it, shifting from deep violet to green and cascading us. I watched as he smashed his cigarette in an ashtray on his desk before turning to face me again. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re the girl from the bar.” He said to me in an even tone. This time I could hear him better so I took a small step back to return some distance between us. I contemplated his words and looked back over at the bar where I could see Ian still shuffling around. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, yeah, I was at the bar...” I said dumbly, wondering if he was asking me if he wanted a drink. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Was he allowed to drink at work?</span>
  </em>
  <span> “Did you want something?”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He just stared at me before quickly shaking his head and lifting his sunglasses. I couldn’t tell what color his eyes were but they looked dark, along with the bags under his eyes. He looked like he hadn't slept in a day or two. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“No... Paddy’s. Do you remember?” He asked me insistently. Paddy's? I was at Paddy’s on Thursday with Gavin...the same day I lost my job and embarrassed myself in front of baseball cap man. Before I could respond however, he continued speaking. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay? I don’t want to assumed shit but your boyfriend or whatever is a fucking asshole.” It was my turn now to blink at him as the pieces clicked together in my head. I felt hot embarrassment rise up inside me and heat my face.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Baseball cap guy?” I hoped he was just one of the patrons that sat in the room instead and I wasn’t actually facing the man who’d witnessed the harsh interaction between me and Gavin at the bar. A smirk appeared on his face.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess so,” He said with amusement in his voice before it suddenly disappeared and was replaced by a more serious tone. “Seriously, are you okay?” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I hated stuff like this. There were a couple other times when someone had asked me that after witnessing Gavin’s antics. It’s not like he was beating right there in public, he just had a short fuse and I knew better than to light it. He still loved me and took care of me, he just had his own issues he needed to work on, that’s all. I looked solemnly at the man standing in front of me and nodded.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I’m fine, it was just a bad day. He’s not always like that.” I watched him watch me, probably searching my face or eyes for any sign of dishonesty but he wouldn’t find one. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>Yeah,</span>
  <span> well that’s one hell of a way to treat someone, even if you're having a bad day. I was having a shit day but you didn’t see me treating my...girl...like shit.” He looked away towards the crowd. I sucked in a breath at his words. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I... he wasn't treating me like shit,” I insisted, becoming frustrated. “Anyway, sorry for that day and thank you for your offer, that was very kind of you.” He looked back at me again, confusion written on his face before disappearing </span>
  <span>with his</span>
  <span> understanding. His mouth pulled in a tight line and he nodded.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yep. So, you </span>
  <span>new</span>
  <span> or something? I’ve never seen you here before.” He turned back around to his booth to push some bright buttons and suddenly the music switched again to a hip-hop song I’d heard before on the radio but with extra strength from the sound system. He turned his attention back to me and pulled a pack of cigarettes from his back pocket. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, it’s my first day.” I told him, watching as he plucked a single cigarette from the carton and held it in his lips while he fished around in his jean pockets for a lighter. Finally, he pulled out a small blue lighter and sparked its flame beneath the tip of his cigarette. His other hand sheltering the flame. I pulled the front of my shirt down cover my belly again, noticing his eyes watched my movements.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“A tip for </span>
  <span>ya</span>
  <span>,” He mumbled around the cigarette, lighting it up and puffing out some smoke. “Keep a lighter on you. Most people in here smoke and it comes in handy.” He breathed out another puff of smoke in my direction which I waved away with a grimace. The stench of the fresh cigarette was thick in my nose.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks,” I would take his tip into consideration but I don’t think I’d actually do it. The last thing I wanted to do was enable smoking in any way. He pulled the cancer stick from his lips and held it loosely between his fingers as he looked at me. “Anyway, I gotta get back to work now.” I announced, turning around.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey wait,” He called to me, stopping me </span>
  <span>midstep</span>
  <span>. “What’s your name?” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Olivia.” I replied, pointing to the name tag on my chest. His eyes drew to it before returning to mine. He pulled the cigarette back up to his mouth to take a quick hit before replying to me.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Joji.” He nodded at me. I offered a smile to him in return before stepping down from the platform and making my way back to the sitting area. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Baseball cap guy had a name, and what a unique name it was.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. No Smoking</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Last night went relatively well after that. I took orders from a couple more tables, and a few people who were lounging on couches around the club. I didn’t spill a single drink and earned about 40 bucks in tips which was fantastic for my first night. I had work again tonight, but until then I spent the morning in bed relaxing and taking small naps on and off. I’d got home at around 3am after a 7 hour shift and was exhausted. My arms hurt worse than anything else from carrying around a heavy tray covering in glasses and bottles all night. I woke up at 6:30 this morning by force of habit from my old work schedule and went right back to sleep until noon. I’d been lying in bed since then napping or snacking with Gavin beside me. We were watching some Netflix show when I got a call from Ethan. </p><p>“Hello?” I answered quietly, careful not to be louder than the TV. Ethan cleared his throat on the other end before speaking. </p><p>“Yeah, it’s Ethan from Club 88. I just wanted to let you know you did a great job last night and I’m sure you’ll be a great addition,” He complimented me which made a large smile form on my face. He cleared his voice before speaking again. “Anyway, I wanted to check in and drop a tip for ya.” </p><p>“Carry a lighter at all times?” I joked, remembering my conversation from last night with former baseball cap guy, now identified as Joji. I was still sure I would not be following that advice, even if it did come from Ethan. </p><p>“What? No, there's no smoking inside the club. We have a designated smoking area outside.” Ethan grumbled. The new information almost made me laugh out loud but I held it in for my coworker’s sake. I didn’t need to be known as the new rat for snitching on anyone.  </p><p>“Oh okay.” Was all I replied in a steady voice, my gaze moving over to Gavin who was still encapsulated by the television.  </p><p>“Right. Well, I was just gonna say that some of the fellas I got working can be wild, and as a server, I just ask that you don’t encourage them by serving them alcohol while on the clock. I got Carter working the bar and I’ve already warned him<em>  several  </em>times but ya know, no one listens to me. Anyway, that’s it. I promise you, its within your best interest to keep your coworkers sober.” </p><p>I considered what he said after he said his goodbyes and wished me luck tonight. Who was it who was ‘wild’? Surely not Ian, the nice bartender from last night. Niki, the topless waitress possibly... </p><p>“Who was that?” Gavin asked nonchalantly, his eyes never leaving the tv. I glanced at it as well, watching the woman on screen sob hysterically.  </p><p>“My boss. He just called to say I did a great job and wish me luck tonight.” I replied, snuggling deeper in the sheets and pulling the comforter up to my nose.  </p><p>“Oh.” He said in an uninterested manner, leaning back against the headboard and pulling the sheets up as well. I nodded at his reply, taking the television remote in my hand and turning the volume up. </p><p> </p><p>══════ </p><p> </p><p>I arrived at the club at 7:45, enthused to work my second day and hopefully make a bit more tips. Business was a bit slower tonight than yesterday but I suppose that was to be expected. There was a fair amount of people relaxing and dancing already so I would still have some work to attend to.  </p><p>I stored my bag in locker 4 and adjusted my short shirt when Niki came in and smiled at me in a genuine way. I smiled back, taking note that she was wearing a tank top this time and not completely bare.  </p><p>“Hey how ya doing?” She asked as she put in the combination to her locker, number 2, and pulled a water bottle from it. She was exceptionally attractive, I noticed and I felt insecure standing beside her. Her brunette hair was long and shiny and pulled back into a loose pony tail. She must have also been pretty good at makeup because her skin was flawless and smooth.  </p><p>“Good...I’m excited.” I said with a little less enthusiasm than I had before she had walked in. As much as I liked her, and I did, I knew Niki was competing with me for tips out there and the fact that she was gorgeous was going to make my job even harder. She must have noticed my tone because she put a hand on my shoulder, drawing my attention. <em> Even her nails were gorgeous </em>, my inner thoughts whined. </p><p>“You sure?” She asked, looking me in the eyes. I smiled my best reassuring smile. Don’t let personal feelings or emotions get in the way at work! </p><p>“Yes of course! Thank you for asking. I’m a little nervous, but excited.” I assured her, nodding my head. She smiled back at me, flashing her straight white teeth.  </p><p>“Good! Don’t worry, you’ll do great. If you ever need anything, please ask me.” Her hand slid from my shoulder as she moved to open her bottle and take a swig of water from it. I was deeply appreciative of her and I felt that same warmth that I felt when Joji offered me a ride home a few days ago at Paddy's. I adjusted the bottom of my black shorts, pulling them down my thighs. I wasn’t uncomfortable showing my legs like I was showing my breasts or belly, but I didn’t want my shorts to ride up too high. Niki took notice of my actions. </p><p>“You look amazing tonight. Those shorts make your ass look good.” She commented, placing her water bottle back in her locker and shutting it. I felt embarrassment at her comment but accepted it as a compliment anyway. </p><p>“Thank you, you look amazing too. Your skin and makeup are so good.” I decided to take the moment to let her know what I’d just been thinking moments ago. She grinned and was about to speak before the door flew open behind her and a loud voice boomed: </p><p>“Come on, hens, we got work to do.” A large man with a thick, blonde beard and ponytail exclaimed in an accent I didn’t immediately recognize. Both Niki and I watched him approach and shove between us to reach the lockers. I frowned at the rude interruption and caught sight of Niki’s eyeroll.  </p><p>“Could you be any more fucking rude, Chad?” She sneered, crossing her arms and watching him as he opened locker 6 to stuff a phone and a large jacket into it. He slammed the locker closed before turning around and facing us with a small smile. </p><p>“Yes,” He said simply, looking between us before his gaze came back to mine. “Hi, I’m Chad.” He introduced himself with a nod. </p><p>“Olivia.” I replied politely before Niki took my arm with hers, stuck her middle finger out at Chad and pulled me out into the main room. The lights were low again like yesterday, colors filling the room and music bumping from the dance floor.  </p><p>“Ignore him, trust me,” Niki rolled eyes, letting go of my arm and adjusting her breasts. She pushed them up before looking at my face. “Nice huh? Double padded wonder bra. Makes me look like a D cup.” She giggled before strutting off to the bar. I followed behind, wondering if I should invest in one of those bras as well.  </p><p>We both slid behind the bar and began collecting our trays as Ian worked quickly beside us. The bar was full in terms of all the seats being taken but no people hanging behind them or forming a line, like yesterday. Surely people weren't drinking as much on a Sunday night seeing as most people had work on Monday. </p><p>“Niki, this bottle goes to table 12.” Ian said, pulling a champagne bottle from the large ice bucket in front of him and placing it on the tray in her hands. She nodded before taking off to deliver the alcohol. </p><p>“And uh, Olivia?” He said uncertainty, looking at me for confirmation. I nodded, coming closer to hear him better. He turned around to pull a beer from the mini fridge behind him and placed it on my tray.  </p><p>“Take this to George, please.” He sighed, throwing a damp looking rag over his shoulder and pointing towards the front of the dance floor. My brow furrowed in confusion but I didn’t question him as his attention was immediately pulled away from me. I turned around and made my way to the floor with my tray, always careful to avoid dropping my drinks. </p><p>I made my way the furthest end of the dance floor where Ian had directed me but all I saw was Joji in his booth, occupied with his laptop and soundboard. I looked around for anyone else who could’ve been working tonight and immediately spotted a man up the stairs above Joji wearing a black shirt with the club’s logo on the pocket. That must’ve been George.  </p><p>I made my way up the black metal stairs carefully and looked down at the view beneath me. The bodies moving in a sea of pink as they moved around like actual squirming fish. I laughed quietly as I caught sight of a man and woman who were practically humping in the middle of the crowd.  </p><p>The man who I believed to be George was working on a board similar to Joji’s. It had blinking lights and switches and I wondered what its purpose was. I approached him and tried my best not to startle him as I cleared my poked his arm. His head shot over to me in alarm, eyes wide and curious.  </p><p>“Hi, I’m so sorry to bother you. Are you George?” I asked, watching him visibly calm but then look at me in confusion. He had long shaggy brown hair that was swept over his forehead towards one direction and looked like it desperately needed to be brushed. His brows furrowed at me, almost as if he heard my thoughts and I immediately felt bad for thinking such a thing. </p><p>“Ha, no. George is that cunt down there.” He pointed directly down to Joji below us who was nodding to the music that was playing and typing into his laptop. I looked back at up at the man in front of me, taking notice that he had a similar, if not the same accent as Chad. Australian? British? </p><p>“Oh...I’m sorry. I thought his name was Joji?” I asked for clarification. The use of the vulgar insult the man before me used to describe Joji did not escape me. Did they have problems with each other? </p><p>“Yeah, it’s like the Japanese version of his name or something. My name is Max,” He turned back to the light board he was working on. I watched him start typing on his board 19ED2F before pressing a key more keys. The club below us was suddenly washed in a vibrant lime green as the song playing changed to something softer again. He turned back to me, looking at the beer I had on my tray. “Is that for George?” He asked. </p><p>I looked at the beer in front of me and nodded but before I could say anything, he snatched it and cracked the lid off on the counter of his desk before taking a swig. </p><p>“Hey! Ian-” I started before he pulled the bottle back from his lips and burped loudly in the other direction. I took a step back at his crude behavior. My mind immediately flew to the phone call with Ethan this morning when he mentioned the wild coworkers of mine. I had a suddenly inkling that I’d just met one of them. </p><p>“Sorry,” He apologized for the burp, “Tell Ian he can suck a fat one and don’t be afraid to keep em coming.”  </p><p>I stood dumbfounded for a minute before pulling my mouth in a tight line and turning to leave. Once I was back down the stairs, I passed Joji and walked straight back to the bar. I waited a short minute or two as Ian finished up his current orders before he directed his attention to me. I leaned over the counter, placing my tray down and sighing. </p><p>“Whatcha need?” He asked, leaning his arms against the bar in clear exhaustion. I felt bad for what I was about to tell him because he seemed to be the hardest working of us all. I shifted uncomfortably before speaking. </p><p>“Well, you said to give the beer to George but I didn’t know who that was so I went searching and saw this guy upstairs-” Ian cut me off with a groan as he turned around to grab another beer from the mini fridge and place it before me. </p><p>“Max?” He asked in annoyance. I smiled sheepishly and nodded in response. “Tell that faggot I’m not serving to him after last time. That’s my fault, I use George's names intermittently sometimes. He’s the DJ that I asked you to ask to turn the music down last night.”  </p><p>“Does everyone have a problem with Max or something?” I asked timidly, knowing full well I shouldn’t and just mind my business, but curiosity took over. Ian looked at me with confusion. </p><p>“No, why?” He asked, looking over to the people at the bar to make sure no one needed him. I took the opportunity to grab more cocktail napkins and place them on the tray next the beer. </p><p>“When he referred to Joji he used the word...uh...<em> cunt.</em>” I tried to say that last word as quietly as I could so none of the bar patrons could hear. “And you just called Max that...word. I was just curious. I shouldn't have asked, I'm sorry.”  </p><p>Ian nodded in understanding. “No don’t worry about it, we’re all friends.”  </p><p>“Bartender!” Someone called from the other side of the bar, catching Ian’s attention. He looked at her then back at me with a nod before leaving to tend to his customer. They were all friends, Ian had said...did guys just call each other stuff like that in a friendly way? I hummed to myself as I picked up my tray and made my way over to Joji. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Famous Last Words</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>George...Joji...baseball cap guy...was bobbing his head to the music playing around us before I tapped on his shoulder. He looked over for a second before pulling his headphones off and turning to face me fully. I held my tray up to him, the beer on it catching his attention.  </p><p>“Thanks!” He yelled over the music, grabbing the bottle and breaking the top off over the desk of his booth. I pulled the tray back down to my front, holding it over my exposed stomach. I know I should have gone back to work and left him alone, then, but I found myself wanting to keep the conversation going so I stood there awkwardly, racking my brain for something to say to him. He watched me for a second as he took a sip of his drink.<em>  I should just leave. </em> </p><p>“How do you like working here?” He broke the tension first, burying his left hand in the pocket of his black hoodie. His other hand held the beer bottle loosely, swirling it around in small circles. I perked up a bit at his question, thankful he had started the conversation so I didn’t have to.  </p><p>“I like it,” I raised my voice over the music, glancing around at the people dancing on the floor. “I met Chad and Max today.” I said for a reason beyond me. He raised his thick brows at my statement. </p><p>“Oh yeah? I’m sorry.” He gave a crooked smile from one side of his mouth and took another sip of his beer. I couldn’t help the laugh that escaped me because surely he knew how brash they were. </p><p>“That’s alright.” I grinned. </p><p>In the background, the music was fading to an end which made George turn away from me for a second to click some buttons on his laptop and push some blinking buttons on the sound board in front of him. A new song started, heavy on the bass but slow in intensity. He turned back to me again, stepping down from the platform to stand in front of me. I noticed that he actually wasn’t that much taller than me. My face was about even with his neck, I noted.  </p><p>“Wanna chill for a minute?” He asked, moving a little past me towards a couch by the wall. I really shouldn’t be sitting right now; I had literally just started my shift. A quick look behind me at the tables in the distance made me believe there was no rush as everyone had drinks and was either talking or laughing. So, in an effort to get to know my new coworker, I accepted his invitation. </p><p>I followed him towards a small black loveseat that looked just big enough to fit two. Behind it on the wall was a large pink neon sign that read “88”. It was extremely bright and completely washed over Joji as he sat underneath it. I sat beside him, placing my tray on my lap and adjusting my top again. He busied himself by pulling the same pack of cigarettes as yesterday out from his hoodie pockets and picking a single cigarette from it. He looked up as he offered me the open box but I grimaced and shook my head. He smiled and stashed it again before he began feeling his pockets presumably looking for a lighter.  </p><p>“Did you ever take my advice about that lighter?” He mumbled around the white stick in his mouth. It was much easier to hear him thanks to the mellow melody of the music. He finally fished a lighter out of his front pocket after some struggle and lit up his cigarette.  </p><p>“No and I’m not going to.” I announced, watching the puff of smoke disperse before him. He played with the lighter in his hand, rolling it in one palm over and over again.  </p><p>“Why not?” Joji laughed, looking over at the crowd as he sucked in another hit from his cigarette. The stench of it made my nose wrinkle.  </p><p>“I don’t think it’s good to encourage people to smoke.” I replied honestly, my hands gripping the rim of the round tray in my lap. Beside me, Joji nodded... or maybe his head was bobbing with the music...to be honest I couldn’t really tell.  </p><p>“You serve alcohol to people that kills their liver. Is there really any difference?” He challenged me. A bright red dot illuminated the tip of his smoke as he inhaled. I couldn’t argue with his logic because he wasn't wrong so I didn’t try. I shook my head no in response to his question. The bright lights of the neon above us painted the left side of his face pink while the lights of the dance floor cast green over his right profile.  </p><p>“You know I heard there was no smoking in here.” I teased. He laughed, his eyes wrinkling in the corners. </p><p>“Says who?” He teased back, bobbing the cig between his lips as he spoke. I tried to think of something further to say so I could keep the conversation going and avoid coming off awkward. </p><p>“I like this music.” I commented to the man beside me. He perked up upon hearing this, pulling his cigarette and blowing smoke away from me, which I appreciated. </p><p>“Yeah?” He asked. I nodded, listening to the music playing overhead and enjoying the softly sung words mixed with the harsh beat. He didn’t say anything for a minute as I assumed he was listening to the music as well. “It’s mine.” He commented casually.  </p><p>“What do you mean yours?”  </p><p>“I mean I made it. Like made the beat, sang the song, produced it and shit.” He laughed again, pocketing the lighter in his left hand to run through his onyx hair, pushing it back only for it to fall right back into its original position again. I leaned forward over the tray in my lap to look at his face. </p><p>“Really? You made this? It’s so good.” I listened more closely to the song again trying to see if I could recognize Joji’s voice. Unfortunately, however, there were no more lyrics, only the beat left as the song came to an end and a familiar rap song began to play. The lights shifted again to a deep cerulean blue.  </p><p>“Do you have more songs?” I asked, watching his face shift with the colors again. He smiled lightly at me before smoking from his cigarette again and looking down at his shoes. He nodded. I was happy to find a solid talking point with him. </p><p>“Yeah, a few.” He laughed to himself as if laughing at his own private little joke. I pressed on, regardless. </p><p>“If they're as good as that last one, I’d like to hear them sometime.” I proposed quietly, hoping I wasn’t overstepping by making the suggestion. He scratched his messy hair before looking back over to me. </p><p>“I play them sometimes in between songs just to get a feel of how people like them,” He mused “but sure. I’ll play them for you sometime.”  </p><p>I smiled gratefully, excited to have potentially made a new friend. I didn’t currently have many...or any friends. I made a few good acquaintances back at the coffee shop but Gavin didn’t like having anyone at our apartment or anyone texting me ‘at all hours’ so any potential friendships quickly fizzled out. He’d said the girls from the shop were drama and I shouldn’t get myself involved with them, so it was for my benefit. Who would want to be wrapped up in drama anyway?  </p><p>I was interrupted from my thoughts as I saw Joji shift from the corner of my eye. I turned my head to watch him crudely dig the tip of his cigarette in the dirt of the potted plant beside the couch, putting it out and leaving it there. I grimaced what I’d just witnessed and was about to say something when I heard him sigh deeply.  </p><p>“Well...” He hummed out loud as he stood up and stretched his arms over his head. I sat up, pulling the front of my shirt down for the 3rd time tonight, I'm pretty sure. Joji caught my actions and I caught a slight grimace on his face before he offered me his hand. I looked up at him, asking silently if he was sure but received no response from his eyes. No impatience or uncertainty, just kindness. I'd never had so many strangers be so kind to me in the space of a few days, especially living here in Brooklyn. </p><p>I accepted his hand gratefully, letting him pull me up from the couch with ease. I quickly adjusted my clothing again, pulling the bottom of my shorts down to cover the tops of my thighs and my shirt, of course. Joji touched my right arm to get my attention.  </p><p>“I’m gonna get back to work. You should too before Niki beats your ass.” He joked, letting go of my arm and making his way back up to his booth. I laughed, pulling my tray up under my arm as I made my way to the bar. I got a good vibe from Joji, he seemed chill and always willing to help. I hoped we could become good friends soon. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Let Vickie Keep Her Secret</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The rest of Sunday night went by easy enough. There was a small fight that broke out between two drunk guys at the bar that </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> and I cleaned up so Ian could continue serving drinks. There wasn’t much work for us though, thus not a lot of tips. To be honest, I’d made about 6 bucks, but that’s okay. </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> kept me laughing all night as she joked about everything from the weird guy in the back who stared owl eyed at everyone, guys and girls included; to her daddy issues being the reason she was confident enough to serve drinks topless but not enough to be a full-blown stripper. She seemed to really like me and asked me a lot about myself. I was grateful for her kindness and curiosity in me. I rarely got questions about myself, and when I did it was simply formality, but </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> actually cared and listened. I told her a little about Gavin, but not much. I mostly talked about my home back in California and my friends from high school. I made sure to reciprocate and </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> told me about her life back in Indonesia, where she was born and her passion for music. She told me about how excited she was that her YouTube channel had been receiving a lot of attention recently for her covers. I made sure to tell her how happy I was for her and asked her a lot of questions about singing and music, which she happily obliged in answering. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>We talked nearly all night, which was fine since most of the business in the club was gone by midnight. We sat at the bar the entire time we talked and sometimes Ian would stand and listen, occasionally throwing in a comment or question. I felt overjoyed after I left work. Happiness that I’d had such great conversations with 3 of my coworkers. I wanted to get to know Chad and Max more but was unsure of how to start or even keep up conversations with them until I knew more about them. Regardless, I left work ecstatic and excited for work on Wednesday.</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>══════</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I woke up the next afternoon feeling great. The apartment was empty, I knew, as Gavin had work at 2pm and it was currently 3. So, I took the next few hours to shower, eat cereal, scroll through my phone, and dance to music that Gavin usually found annoying. I normally had to listen to my music with headphones when he was around or risk hearing a tirade of complaints for my “shit taste.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I washing the dishes and wondering why after so many years of singing, I still sounded like a cat going through a wood chipper when my cell phone rang across the living room. I turned the water off and dried my hands on my shirt sloppily before running over to the couch. My caller ID simply read ‘unknown’ but I answered it anyway.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hello?” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey! It’s </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span>. What are you doing right now?” </span>
  <span>Niki’s</span>
  <span> soft voice came through from the other end, making me smile but also furrow my brows in confusion. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi! I’m doing the dishes...um, how did you get my number?” I laughed, sitting down on the brown couch and watching the women on the TV slap each other. </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> laughed before replying.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I found it in Ethan’s office in your file. He doesn’t lock his filing cabinet, you know.” She explained like it was no big deal that she’d stolen the personal information of another employee. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh.” Was all I could reply I thought of the humor in her choice to use the word ‘found’ and not ‘stole.’ </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yep, so </span>
  <span>wanna</span>
  <span> come shopping with me? I need some new stuff to wear at the club, all my stuff is blah.” </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> asked me to come shopping and I jumped at the chance to solidify a friend out of her. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure! Where are you going?” I asked, standing up and making my way to my bedroom to change. I heard </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> shift on the other end and the jingle of keys before she replied.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Ivory. I’ll come get you, where do you live?” </span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>══════</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> pulled up to my apartment 20 minutes later in a white 4 door Audie. She pulled her sunglasses down the bridge of her nose as she looked at me on the curb.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Get in loser, we’re-”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t.” I laughed, interrupting her. She grinned widely at me, popping the gum in her mouth and waiting patiently for me as I slid into the passenger seat. I took a quick survey of her car, my mouth dropping at how clean and spacious her car was. “How can you afford this?”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Honey, I make good tips.” She pulled away from the curb and onto the street after making sure I’d buckled my seatbelt. I frowned at her.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought you said you </span>
  <em>
    <span>weren't</span>
  </em>
  <span> a stripper?” I asked, noticing the cute pink skirt and crop top she wore and suddenly feeling bad about my old gray track T-shirt and jeans. </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> laughed loudly at my question.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not! But it’s almost as good.” She looked over her left shoulder as she switched lanes and maintained a steady 40 on the road. I assumed she had meant waitressing so I didn’t question her, but I was still confused. Sure, I guess, I could see cocktail waitresses making a decently sized tip on busy nights, but as much as strippers? Surely not. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s all about what you wear. If you wear those crusty shirts Ethan provides, you’ll never make decent tips. That’s why I either go topless or try to wear something skimpy,” She continued, eyes flicking to her rear-view mirror, “that’s why we’re going shopping. I need some new stuff and I thought maybe you’d like some too.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Her words from before clicked with me, then. She was talking about the partially nude aspect of the job. Of course, there was no pressure to take our shirts off, I knew, but the option was open to us. </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> obviously embraced the opportunity and seemingly benefitted greatly from it. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You would look really great in emerald green.” She said casually, throwing me a smile. I smiled in return at the compliment but silently worried about the situation I was in. Gavin would definitely </span>
  <em>
    <span>not </span>
  </em>
  <span>be okay with me wearing skimpy clothing to work but I tried to push those thoughts back though, at least while I was spending time with </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span>. </span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>══════</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you think of this?” </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> asked, holding up a hanger that held what looked like 2 pieces of black string. My expression must have said it all because she laughed and put it back immediately. “I’m kidding.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>We continued through the store, looking through racks of overpriced lingerie. I’ll admit, a lot of the outfits I saw were really cute, especially a baby pink lace corset I found, but most of the clothes could hardly even be called clothes. </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> had a decently sized mountain of potential outfits piled up on her arm as she browsed a couple of racks away from me. I had nothing picked out as I was positive none of this would fly at home, so I just browsed quietly, occasionally throwing in my opinion when she asked for it. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>After 30 minutes of picking things out, </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> announced she was ready for the fitting room and looked at me expectantly. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Where’s your stuff?” She asked, her eyes roaming my empty hands. I smiled sheepishly and rubbed my forearm. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think my boyfriend would be happy with me wearing stuff like this to work so...” I averted my eyes to the rack of see-through bras beside me. I saw </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> come closer to me from the corner of my eye so I looked at her full on. She had her lips pulled into a tight line as she breezed by me and over to a wall of corsets we’d passed earlier. She reached up on her tip toes to shuffle through the rack of pink corsets hanging on the wall before pulling one out.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Is this your size?” She asked, pushing a medium into my hands. I opened my mouth to object before she held a finger up to shush me. “I saw you eyeing them earlier. Just try it on.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Then she grabbed my forearm and pulled me with her through the store to the back where the fitting rooms were. We went to our separate rooms to change and I had a small bout of anxiety as I looked at the lacey garment in my hands. </span>
  <em>
    <span>This would be trouble</span>
  </em>
  <span>, I thought. Gavin would be so mad if he caught me wearing this to work. There's no way this wouldn’t end up in the garbage, thus it’s a waste to even buy in the first place. But it was so pretty...and perhaps I could pull it off? I held the corset up to my body as I judged it in the mirror before me. It was see through on the body except for the pink lace rose pattern that covered the mesh. It would cover my stomach, at least. The bust looked like a pink pushup that was covered in the same lace rose pattern and came complete with a tiny pink bow in between the breasts. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“How does it look?” </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> asked from the room beside mine, pulling me out of my thoughts. I looked back at my reflection, contemplating before I decided there was no harm in simply trying it on. So, I stripped my shirt off and pulled the garment off the hanger.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Good!” I answered, pulling the corset around my body and over my breasts. I kept my bra on for hygiene. The zipper in the front slid easily up my stomach and the cups fit over my chest. I took a deep breath before inspecting myself in the mirror.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright I’m ready, come out so I can see!” </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> encouraged, lightly knocking on my changing room door. I looked away from my reflection and opened the door. Before me stood </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> in a tiny lacey black bodysuit that had nearly all of the sides cut out in large circular holes, like one giant fishnet tube sock. </span>
  <span>The bra part of her bodysuit was completely open, displaying her bare breasts. We stood, taking in the sight of each other before bursting into laughter so loud that an employee had to come tell us to quiet down.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What the hell is that?” I gasped between giggles as </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> covered her chest with her hands and snorted with laughter. “You look like a sexy homeless girl.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s a teddy!” She defended, taking a hand away from her chest to quickly wipe a tear from the corner of her left eye. “Shut up, it’s cute!” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>We calmed down after a minute and walked the short distance to the full body vanity by the front of the fitting rooms. It was technically 4 full body mirrors all placed beside each other in a half circle to give you a better view of you from all angles. There was also another mirror behind us for full view of behind. We stood up on the small platform, looking at ourselves. </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> twisted and turned to admire herself before groaning and stepping off the platform.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re right, I thought the holes would be sexy but I look like I just pulled this from the dumpster.” She commented from behind me. “That looks really good on you, by the way.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I smiled appreciatively from the mirror but stepped off to stand beside her. “Thanks, but I can't buy this. I would never be allowed out of the house wearing something like this.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>She frowned at me and crossed her arms over her chest to cover he exposed breasts.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Allowed?” She asked softly but with a tone of annoyance. I hadn't meant to piss her off but it seemed like I already had so I quickly backtracked.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“No! I mean, I can buy it but I just meant I would be a little uncomfortable wearing this you know?” I tried to smile in assurance, hoping her annoyance would fade when she knew I would buy the corset. I didn’t want her to have wasted her time coming to pick me up just for me to not shop with her. She would never invite me to do anything again if I never wanted to participate. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s not what you just said,” She quipped, looking me dead in the eyes, “you said your boyfriend wouldn’t allow you.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Well,” I tried to organize my thoughts enough to formulate a way to explain to her, “I mean it’s understandable right? You know how guys are.” I made an excuse for him and both </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> and I knew it. It wasn’t the first time I’d found a way to rationalize Gavin’s weird behavior or words to people. They just didn’t understand how he was, he simply wanted me to himself and there was nothing wrong with that.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> looked into my eyes for a half second more before smiling and pulling me with her back to the fitting rooms.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You could just get it for him, then! As sexy lingerie.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>That didn’t seem like such a bad idea, I decided, accepting </span>
  <span>Niki’s</span>
  <span> suggestion. She left me to go back to her own room and try on the other outfits she’d picked, and I returned to my own room. I took one last look in the mirror, feeling the lace covering my stomach before taking it off and putting my old T-shirt back on.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>We spent the next hour debating over which of the pieces </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> picked would make the cut. She was insistent that an outfit that consisted entirely of 2 red latex straps over her breasts was hot, yet I pushed her to purchase a cute, strappy, indigo </span>
  <span>bralette</span>
  <span>. In the end, </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> purchased about 6 lingerie items, including one set of nipple pasties that were shaped like marijuana leaves. We were in her car, listening to some singer she really adored when a phone call interrupted </span>
  <span>Niki’s</span>
  <span> high note. The car’s Bluetooth announced that ‘Four eyes’ was calling her. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Ugh! What? You just fucked up my super awesome whistle note!” </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> complained after answering the call. A laugh came from the car’s speakers before a familiar creaky voice spoke. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry. Max wants to know if you remembered </span>
  <span>to </span>
  <span>buy</span>
  <span> the chips and salsa</span>
  <span>.” Ian asked in a sigh, clearly not interested in </span>
  <span>the subject. Nikki’s eyes widened </span>
  <span>and her brows shot up as she looked at me in panic.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh my god I totally forgot to tell you-!" she said to me, switching her attention between me and the road. Max's voice came in through the car’s speakers, interrupting what she said to me.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, you’re not getting in without them. Think of it as your admission fee!” Max yelled. Beside me, </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> rolled her eyes. A shuffle was heard before Ian returned to the phone.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, well anyway, did you get ahold of Olivia?” Ian asked, clearly unaware </span>
  <span>that he was on speaker</span>
  <span> and I was listening. </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> gave me a sly smile before replying to him.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>Yeah I did.” </span>
  <span>S</span>
  <span>h</span>
  <span>e replied as </span>
  <span>pulled her car alongside the curb outside my apartment and put it into park.</span>
  <span> “We had a </span>
  <span>really fun </span>
  <span>girl’s day.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s great. </span>
  <span>So,</span>
  <span> is she coming tomorrow?” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I eyed </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span>, hoping she'd explain but she simply reached into her center console to </span>
  <span>grab a </span>
  <span>t</span>
  <span>ub</span>
  <span>e</span>
  <span> of clear lip gloss and </span>
  <span>began applying </span>
  <span>it</span>
  <span> in</span>
  <span> the rear-view mirror. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>I’ll get </span>
  <span>back to you with her answer.” </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> mumbled </span>
  <span>as she swiped a layer of gloss across her top lip and </span>
  <span>made a kiss face </span>
  <span>at</span>
  <span> herself in the mirror. I sat quietly, </span>
  <span>careful not to butt in to a conversation that wasn’t </span>
  <span>mine</span>
  <span>. I already felt a little </span>
  <span>weird</span>
  <span> for listening in while Ian </span>
  <span>was </span>
  <span>speaking about me, unaware I was</span>
  <span> sitting </span>
  <span>right here. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright. Chips and salsa.” Ian </span>
  <span>repeated</span>
  <span>, earning a</span>
  <span> hum</span>
  <span> in response from </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span>. </span>
  <span>The call ended then, and the music that had previously been playing came blasting back through the speakers, making the both of us jump. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Dear god</span>
  <span>.</span>
  <span>” </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> giggled, turning the volume down to a whisper. “</span>
  <span>So,</span>
  <span> I forgot to ask you if you’re free tomorrow?” She </span>
  <span>re</span>
  <span>turned </span>
  <span>her</span>
  
  <span>gloss before turning to me expectantly. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh…um, </span>
  <span>yeah I’m </span>
  <span>free.” I was always free. I rarely went out on my own </span>
  <span>and didn’t have many people to do anything with beside Gavin, so I </span>
  <span>was never really busy unless it was with work. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Great! Do you want to come over to Ian’s with me tomorrow? We hang out during the week since we all work weekends, and you’re one of us now so you should come.” She smiled warmly at me. At first, I was confused by her statement. I was one of them? Why? What had I done to become one of them? Who is them, exactly? “Don’t worry, it’s totally chill. We just play games or get food. Nothing crazy.” She assured me after perhaps seeing the look on my face. Beyond my initial confusion, I was worried about </span>
  <span>whether my boyfriend would let me even go. He never let me hang around the coffee shop girls for fear that their gossip would be damaging to me</span>
  <span> so </span>
  <span>I can only imagine what he would think of someone like </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span>. Still, the desire to have </span>
  <span>people</span>
  <span> in my life other than Gavin, someone to talk to and get out of the house with every once in a while was too strong</span>
  <span>.</span>
  <span> I accepted and decided I would deal with the consequences later.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>Yeah,</span>
  <span> that sounds like fun.”</span>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Super Trash Bros</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Tuesday came and all I could think about was the fact that I was invited to hang out with a group of people who already considered me one of them. Sure, we worked together, but that didn’t put a damper on my excitement one bit. I stifled it as I tidied up the apartment and watched the clock on my phone. Niki would be here to pick me up at 6, she’d said. Gavin had work again today so it wouldn’t be an issue leaving the as long as I was back by 9 before he got home. It was around 4:30 that I’d started getting ready by showering and blow drying my hair. I straightened it and </span>
  <span>put on</span>
  <span> makeup as best as I could before 6pm rolled around. I was still attempting to finish the devil's invention of winged eyeliner when I felt my phone buzz in my pocket. It was a text from Niki telling me she was downstairs so I hurriedly finished my makeup, tugged the back of my sneakers on over my foot and made my way downstairs. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>We pulled up to a 3-story red bricked building only a few blocks from my apartment at 6:20. Niki and I made our way up the stairs and inside with me carrying 4 bags of corn chips and her carrying 4 jars of chunky salsa. It was a little chilly out so I had worn a sweatshirt 3 times my size, jeans, sneakers, and a regular black t shirt underneath. Niki dressed comfortably as well, decked in tight black jeans, boots, and a black leather jacket. I didn’t know what she had underneath it but she looked great anyway. When we made it to Ian’s door, Niki pounded her fist against the wood and we waited. Someone creaked the door open just enough to whisper: “What’s the password?” Niki rolled her eyes and sighed deeply.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t fucking know. Chips and salsa?” She groaned, leaning on the wall beside the door, which immediately flew open and revealed the keeper to be Chad, the large, hairy man I met at the club the other day. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“That works.” He said, pulling all 4 salsa jars from Niki’s arms and moving away from the door. Even though his arms were full, he gestured for me to hand him the chips, so I did, stacking them in his arms and nodding my head. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey new girl, what’s up?” Chad said as he walked past Niki and I into another room. We followed him and I discovered that room to be a tiny kitchen. He piled the snacks on to the counter before moving to the refrigerator and pulling 2 beer bottles from it, offering them to us. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Her name is Olivia, dick.” Niki sneered, walking past him to the fridge to grab a couple cans of cola instead and handed me one. I accepted it gratefully. Chad’s face fell at the action but decided to move on from it.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh shit, that’s my bad mate. Hi Olivia, how are you?” He asked a little more formally, pulling open one of the bags of chips and </span>
  <span>dumping</span>
  <span> them in a large blue bowl. Someone came into the kitchen behind us, patting me on the shoulder and leaning in to hug Niki. The side profile of his face told me it was Ian and I relaxed just a little. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m good, thanks.” I replied to Chad in a too quiet voice, already feeling a little uncomfortable. There was absolutely no reason, but I just was. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey! I’m glad you came.” Ian smiled at me before pulling his hand from my shoulder. It was strange seeing him in a blue long sleeve shirt rather than the black club shirt I’d only seen him in so far, though I’m sure he was likely thinking the same thing about me. I smiled back at him, clutching the soda in both of my hands.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you for inviting me, I’m really glad to be here.” I said </span>
  <span>politely</span>
  <span>. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course! You’re one of us now, right?” Ian chuckled, grabbing one of the beers Chad had pulled out for us and breaking the top off on the counter. There it was again. </span>
  <em>
    <span>One of </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>us</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
  <span> I beamed, whether I meant to or not. I felt warm inside from being constantly met with kindness and friendship by these people. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks for bringing the chips,” He told Niki. “Let’s go chill in the living room. We have pizza too.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I was followed Niki and Ian out of the kitchen, down a short hallway, and into a wide living space with a large L-shaped beige couch that sat in front of a flat screen television. Two figures were leaning forward, elbows on their knees as they clicked rapidly at the controllers in their hands and focused on the TV. A fighting game that I was unfamiliar with was on screen and two characters were beating the hell out of each other. Ian and Niki made themselves comfortable on the couch, with Niki on the farthest right, the side of the couch that sat against a window, and Ian nestled between the two people focused on the TV. As I came around to sit beside Niki, I recognized the two as Max and Joji. I’d caught Max’s attention first as he looked at me, back at the TV, then back at me again before commenting. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, I’m glad you came. What’s your name again?” Max asked, his eyes glued to the screen again. His words pulled Joji’s attention over to me for a second before he smiled in greeting and returned back to his game.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Olivia.” I answered Max, clutching my cola can again. I was aware of the nervous action so I tried to relax and stretch my fingers as to not crush it. Niki was scrolling through her phone to my right so I watched the boys’ game for a few minutes before Chad came into the room with two large bowls of chips and two smaller ones full of salsa. He placed them on the open pizza box on the coffee table in front of the TV before sitting down on </span>
  <span>Joji’s</span>
  <span> left side. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, I’m done with this gay shit, let’s play something else.” Chad complained, taking a chip and dunking it in the salsa. Max suddenly cursed and threw his controller onto the table, almost spilling one of the bowls of salsa. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, cunt, watch out!” Chad yelled.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You fucking bastard, you cheated.” Max cursed, looking directly at Joji to his left who had a wide smile on his face. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t, you just suck.” Joji defended, putting his controller down on the table and taking a chip from the bowl. Next to me, Niki put her phone down and sat up straighter.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>So,</span>
  <span> what are we </span>
  <span>gonna</span>
  <span> play? It’s Liv’s first game night so let’s pick something good.” Niki asked, standing up to browse a bookshelf beside the TV that was full of what looked like DVD’s and video games. Ian looked around Max’s body at me.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you have a preference?” He asked me, pushing his glasses up his nose. I shook my head no. As excited as I was to be there, something inside me was nervous. I couldn’t pinpoint if it was simply because I’d never hung out casually with these people before...or any people, or I was worried that Gavin would somehow find out where I was.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Let’s play Shrek.” Chad suggested around a mouth full of chips. Max turned his head with a glare.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Nah, we wouldn’t </span>
  <span>wanna</span>
  <span> make your dick hard when we have company over.” Max spat, earning a laugh from Niki and a smirk from Ian. Chad glared back at him before mumbling some insult back that was too quiet for me to hear across the couch. The dynamic of the group was certainly new to me. They insulted each other but no one took offense, at least that I've seen. I knew then that if I wanted to be friends with them, I would need to keep in mind that most everything they say is in good fun, if they ever decided to poke fun at me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“How about </span>
  <span>Mario</span>
  <span> Kart?” Niki suggested, pulling a white case from the shelf and holding it up.</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>══════</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You fucking RAT!” Max screamed, shoving into Ian beside him as Joji laughed wickedly. On screen, Max was hit by a blue shell and thus knocked out of 1</span>
  <span>st</span>
  <span> place as Ian and I raced past him to the finish line. Joji had been dead last and once he found out Max was in </span>
  <span>1</span>
  <span>st</span>
  <span>,</span>
  <span> he unleashed his blue shell. Immediately after being stunned by the blue shell, Ian came in behind him with a red shell, and that’s how Ian finished 1</span>
  <span>st</span>
  <span>, I finished 2</span>
  <span>nd</span>
  <span> and an NPC controlled Yoshi came in 3</span>
  <span>rd</span>
  <span>. We could only play 4 at a time and the match before this was Niki, Chad, Ian, and I at Bowser’s Castle. We had been playing for an hour or two...I honestly wasn’t sure. I was having so much fun and actively chatting with everyone so my nerves and sense of time were long gone. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I fucking hate you guys, seriously.” Max grunted before a small smile appeared on his face and he passed his controller to Chad. I stretched my back, deciding I also wanted to skip out on the next race and handing my controller over to Niki. I stood from my place on the couch and walked around it quickly so I wouldn’t block the TV. I took my time, taking in the room and the art on the walls, which consisted of the weirdest framed photos I’d ever seen. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I was staring at a photo of John Cena on the wall when I felt a presence approach. Joji shouldered me gently as he came up to the spot beside me.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m going up to the roof to smoke. Want to keep me company?” He asked, smacking his box of cigarettes on his open palm. I’d had such a good time already tonight and was fitting in smoothly, but I didn’t speak much to Joji directly. I nodded, looking back at the group who were screaming about which track to race on before I followed Joji out of the apartment.</span>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Moonlight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Joji held the heavy metal door open for me as I slid past him and stepped out to the roof. He picked up a concrete block and wedged it between the door and the frame, keeping it open for us. It was definitely windier up here than it was earlier so I wrapped my arms around my body in an effort to keep some of my body heat. I should have worn something more than just a sweatshirt. I wasn’t sure what time it was exactly, but I figured it had to either by 7 or 8 judging by the sunset that spread a plethora of colors across the sky. Orange took over as the base with pinks and purples streaked to the West as if painted on by a thick bristled paint brush. The sun was nearly gone, the only hint of it shown on the clouds above that turned the edges of them a brilliant gold. I sighed happily as I stared. Sunsets were magnificent spectacles and I never got tired of them. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I heard a click behind me and turned to catch Joji lighting his cigarette. When he was </span>
  <span>done,</span>
  <span> he looked up at me, catching me staring. I looked back at the colors in the sky in </span>
  <span>embarrassment</span>
  <span>. Pink clouds moved lazily across the sky, taking their time and enjoying the view as much as I was. Joji came up to my right and looked up at the sky. He </span>
  <span>breathed</span>
  <span> smoke out of his mouth as he observed the same little pink cloud that I was.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m more of a sunrise person.” He said casually, stuffing his free hand in his pocket and pulling his cig back up to his lips. I laughed lightly at his words and wrapped my arms tighter </span>
  <span>around</span>
  <span> myself. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“There’s something special about the sun saying goodbye for the day...don’t you think?” I asked mindlessly, watching the deep purple of night emerge from the East and slowly start taking over the sky. “It leaves us with this beautiful painting, like a gift.” I mumbled. Joji blew smoke out from his mouth again as he contemplated my words.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I never really thought about it that way...but I could argue it does the same when it says good morning to us.” He </span>
  <span>countered</span>
  <span>, glancing at me over his shoulder. I nodded my head in consideration before agreeing.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, but I like to think about everything good it did during the day like feeding flowers or kissing someone’s skin at the beach.” I said dreamily, suddenly wishing we had the warmth of the sun right then. The wind was whipping my hair </span>
  <span>around</span>
  <span> my face and I struggled to pull it away while also keeping myself warm. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Or cooking someone at the beach until </span>
  <span>they're</span>
  <span> red.” He smiled, teasing me. He noticed my struggle and the smile turned into a frown. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Suddenly I was toasty warm and I felt my body calm from </span>
  <span>its</span>
  <span> shaking. A quick inspection of my shoulders where I felt the new weight told me I was now wearing a thick, black Dickie’s jacket. Joji stood beside me in a gray, long sleeve thermal, jeans, and a black beanie on his messy black hair. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“No-” I began before Joji walked over the ledge at the edge of the roof and sat back against it on the floor. I followed him, pulling his jacket from my shoulders and offering it back to him. He didn’t move except to bring his cigarette up to his mouth. I sighed, frustrated, and sat beside him. I spread his jacket over his legs in an effort to get him to take it back. He still didn’t say anything as we sat in silence for a few minutes. Well, silence and the sounds of cars on the street below, dogs barking and people fighting somewhere. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The sky was almost completely sheathed in night, now, and the moon peeked over buildings in the distance, greeting us. I tried not to let the wind bother me and instead focused on waiting for stars to make their appearance.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you having a good time?” Joji asked, flicking the ash at the end of his cigarette into the ground. I hated the stench of it and swore I could almost taste it in my mouth. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Very much.” My eyes moved away from his bad habit and back over to the sky. Another wave of silence overtook us before he spoke again.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you believe in aliens?” He asked suddenly, which pulled my attention back to his face. I laughed at the random and completely absurd nature of the question. He laughed back but pushed me to answer with the flick of his hand. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know...maybe.” I responded slowly, searching the sky again that was now all completely blanketed in night. The moon continued to rise, it’s vibrant light bathing us. “It’s always possible, right?” I asked, looking back over to Joji who was looking at the sky as well.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure.” He replied, not looking at me.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you?” I asked, </span>
  <span>reciprocating</span>
  <span> his question. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Absolutely,” He answered enthusiastically, making me laugh. “I mean, of course there are.” He said confidently. A heavy gust hit us, chilling me and sending my body into another round of shivers. Once again, I felt the weight of Joji’s jacket on me, this time though, he had thrown it across my legs like I’d done to him. I huffed. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>Aren't</span>
  <span> you cold?” I asked, taking his coat into my hands and pushing my arms through it backwards so it was keeping the front of my body warm instead of my back. He seemed amused by my actions.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Nope.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I considered that he might’ve been lying, but didn’t push it again. The stench of his cigarette was gone so I assumed he’d finished it but he didn’t light a second one, so we sat with no real purpose for being out here anymore, but I was fine with it. I didn’t dare look at the time on my phone for fear that it would ruin the fun night I was having, and I figured I could always make up an excuse to why I was out so late, like grabbing some food or something. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span> Joji pulled his legs up to his chest and rested his elbows on his knees as he stared at the empty rooftop. He seemed fidgety, I noticed, as he rolled his lighter around in his palm.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“So, your music,” I said in an attempt to keep conversation going, “Tell me about it.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you want to know?” He asked, crossing his arms above his knees and resting his chin on them. I didn’t know a single thing about professional music other than I knew if I liked a song when I heard it. I had no insights or common ground to talk to him about when it came to music, but I knew that he liked it, so I tried to make </span>
  <span>conversation</span>
  <span> about it regardless.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“How did you start?” I figured was a good question. He seemed in thought for a moment before answering.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess I always just liked making music...even before I knew I was making it. When I was a kid, me and my friend used to write songs about kids in our class or this teacher we didn’t like. We watched videos online and learned how to make beats and stuff,” Joji spoke passionately with a smile on his face. “When I moved to America, I just kept making them-”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait,” I cut him off without realizing it, “Sorry...you’re not from here?” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He turned to me with an eyebrow arched and lifted his head from his arms.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Duh.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Where are you from?” I asked curiously, hoping I wasn’t being rude by changing the subject so quickly. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Japan.” He answered, turning to me to offer me the hand that wasn’t clutching the cigarette carton. “Joji Miller,” he said in a Japanese accent so thick it sounded like he said ‘Georgie’. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Or George, if you prefer.” Came out in a straight American accent like the one he normally used. I took his hand in a shake as he bowed his head. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Olivia Copeland,” I replied, shaking his hand in introduction. “Or Liv, if you prefer.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>His laugh crinkled the corners of his eyes as he found humor in my imitation. Our reintroduction to each other was the beginning of the long conversation we had that lasted until the stars in the sky were nearly all visible. I brought the subject of his music back up and he happily chatted about the process, telling me about how beat making was his favorite part and lyrics came second. Joji had promised that ‘next time’ he would show me some stuff he was working on but made me promise in return not to go looking online for it myself. I found that a little strange of a request, but I obliged. Perhaps he was insecure about some music on his SoundCloud or Facebook or something embarrassing that he wanted to clean up before I saw it. I understood. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The wind never really died down and although I was warm with his jacket wrapped around me, I’d noticed that he was no longer comfortable judging by the way he rubb</span>
  <span>e</span>
  <span>d</span>
  <span> his arms with his hands. A small argument occurred over the jacket, as I tried to give it back but he insisted that a gentleman wouldn’t let a lady freeze. I had rolled my eyes and tossed it at him, causing him to throw it back at me in return, and that went on for a bit before the roof door opened and Niki’s head popped around it, scanning the rooftop before landing on us.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, it’s time to go, it’s like 10.” Niki said, holding the door open. Ten o clock?  “You left your phone down there.” She said, holding up my phone and wiggled it in her fingers. I stood with a sigh and gave Niki a grateful smile.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry, I guess we lost track of time.” I explained as Joji pulled himself up to his feet beside me. I walked the few feet over to Niki to accept my phone and took one look at it to realize I had 7 missed calls and 13 unopened text messages from Gavin. “Fuck.” I mumbled low enough that Niki heard but Joji probably didn’t. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You good?” Niki asked lowly, beside me. From the corner of my eye I noticed the little flame of Joji’s lighter as he lit up a second cigarette and looked away from us. I pushed my phone into the back pocket of my jeans and smiled at her. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah! I’m ready now.” The words came out just a little too high and I knew she knew I wasn’t completely telling the truth. It could go any number of ways when I got home, depending on whatever mood Gavin was in. I couldn’t completely guarantee her I wouldn’t spend the night on the couch tonight or be banned from ever seeing her again. My ignorance of the time would certainly count against Niki to him, rather than me. He’d deem her a bad influence and insist someone like her would change me, but...was that such a bad thing? I wish I could be as confident and self-assured as she seemed to be. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright. Let’s go say bye and bail.” She said, moving into the hallway but holding the door open for me. I looked back at Joji who was watching the skyline and pushing a breath of smoke from his mouth. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I expect to hear that music next time!” I called to him, throwing his jacket back one last time and catching his attention. He caught it, smiling and pulling up one side of his face in a grin. I watched him nod in confirmation, giving a small wave with two fingers before I retreated into the dim hallway with Niki. </span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Cold Ones</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>I unlocked my apartment door as quietly as I could, hoping Gavin was asleep so we could avoid any arguments until tomorrow, but as is my luck, he wasn’t. He sat on the brown couch in our living room, eyeing me until I shut the door. I didn’t bother speaking because I knew he would steamroll over anything I had to say anyway. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Liv! Where the hell have you been?” He asked, rising from the couch and coming up to wrap me in his arms. I felt myself stiffen at his contact before relaxing as I realized he wasn’t angry like I’d anticipated he would be. “The door was unlocked when I got home, you weren't here, you weren't answering your phone...you scared the shit out of me.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He held me tighter, burying his face in my hair. I couldn’t remember the last time he’d held me like that so I closed my eyes and savored it. I was happy to realize that my earlier </span>
  <span>predictions</span>
  <span> of his reaction were far from correct and I suddenly felt silly for thinking he would be so angry. He was just worried about me, like anyone would be.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry.” I whispered weakly, raising my arms to wrap around his torso. We stood there for a minute before he pulled back, looking me in the eyes.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Where have you been, Olivia?” He asked seriously, holding my shoulders in his hands. I had no idea what to say. I didn’t want to lose the </span>
  <span>privilege</span>
  <span> of seeing my new friends or being able to stay out late, but I didn’t want to go with my original plan of making up some lame excuse like going out to get food. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Say</span>
  </em>
  
  <em>
    <span>something</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I was out with my friend Niki.” I replied with half of the truth. I’d quickly decided that telling him I was at a boy’s house surrounded by 4 dudes would have been an instant ban, so I kept it to myself. He looked confused as he dropped his hands from my shoulders and pulled his lips into a tight line.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Who the hell is Niki?” He asked, watching me the same way a cat eyes a mouse.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“My coworker...from the club.” I </span>
  <span>admitted</span>
  <span> sheepishly and received an instant look of disapproval from him. He crossed his arms across his chest as he sighed deeply.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You mean the titty bar?” His voice held a tinge of annoyance. “Great, making friends with strippers now?” He sneered. My brows furrowed in anger at his words and I suddenly felt that frustration from the last time he insulted my job rise up in my gut. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I told you </span>
  <span>it's</span>
  
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> a titty bar!” I hissed back lightly, careful not to give too much attitude. “And </span>
  <span>she's</span>
  <span> not a stripper, </span>
  <span>she's</span>
  <span> a waitress like me. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you that I was leaving or answer your calls. We went shopping and I lost track of time. It </span>
  <span>won't</span>
  <span> happen again.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t seem angry, perhaps a little annoyed but I was fine with that. He nodded at my words, uncrossing his arms and sinking himself back down on to the couch. I followed, sitting in the arm chair beside him. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“If it becomes a habit, you can forget about her.” Was all he said before picking up the TV remote and turning the volume up. </span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>══════</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Wednesday morning and afternoon </span>
  <span>weren't</span>
  <span> very eventful. The time spent with Gavin was quiet, but at least he didn’t bring up the previous night again. I’d received a call from Ethan, my manager, to inform me that the venue and staff had been rented for a private party tonight and we’d need to all wear our club 88 shirts. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>So, at 8pm, I arrived for work wearing one of the black, entirely too short, club shirts and some black jeans. I left my hair down for a change and put on my old gold necklace. I felt nice tonight... pretty maybe. I met Niki and Max in the back room, smiling and receiving smiles back from them.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey Liv, you coming to game night next time? We’re thinking of going to an escape room.” Max asked as he sat on a chair in the back room, removing his shoes and replacing them with an older, dirtier pair. His invitation warmed me and I happily agreed, excited at the prospect of being able to spend more time with my coworkers outside of work. Nikki and Max chatted away about it when Ian came in to grab a bottle of water from the mini fridge beside me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Let’s go kids, people are arriving now.” He hurried us out with a wave of his hand. Niki groaned with her arms crossed over her chest but walked with me out to the floor anyway. There definitely were a people filing in already, men only from what I could tell. I saw Chad at the door of the club waving a metal detector wand over the arms and bodies of the customers before allowing them in. There were no colorful lights or music on yet as Max still hadn't made his way upstairs and Joji seemed to be scrolling through his laptop at the DJ booth. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>A couple of men passed Niki and I with smiles on their faces as they headed over to Ian at the bar, which made Niki scoff in disgust. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re joking.” Was all she said as she eyed the men. One of them, a tall brunette man with a black coat and the other a short black-haired man in a green bomber jacket. The taller of the two men was speaking to Ian, but the shorter one was eyeing Niki hungrily and smiling in what I’m sure he thought was a sexy way, but it came off intensely creepy. Suddenly the lights in the club went purple and a minute later music filled the air. Something fast and poppy, it sounded like.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Let’s grab our trays.” Niki said, grabbing my hand and pulling me over to the bar. When we walked past the two guys, I noticed the shorter one still grinning at Niki and suddenly felt her nails digging into my hand. I winced and tried to grab her hand in both of mine to alert her but my efforts were futile as she grabbed our trays from underneath the bar and pulled me back to the sitting area with her as quickly as she could. I stumbled behind her and tried calling her name but she either couldn’t hear me over the music or ignored me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>When we got to the sitting </span>
  <span>area,</span>
  <span> she glared over at the man who was still watching her over his shoulder.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay?” I asked in concern, my eyes flicking between Niki and the short man. Her glare moved from him to me before her face softened and she let out a heavy breath. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah...that guy is some creep that comes in here </span>
  <span>every once in a while </span>
  <span>and just fucking </span>
  <em>
    <span>stares</span>
  </em>
  <span> at me!” She half yelled, enough so I could hear her over the music. I frowned and moved in front of her to block his view. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, it’s okay. Can we ask for him to be removed?” I asked gently in an effort to calm her down. She huffed angrily, looking me in the eyes.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I tried many times before! Ethan says there's nothing he can do about someone staring at me.” Her eyebrows furrowed into a glare as she looked around me at the man. I slid my hand up and down her arm in what I hoped was a comforting gesture and tried to reclaim her attention.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, just avoid him then. I’ll take his order if it comes to that and if he tries anything just let me know and I’ll break a bottle over his head.” I smiled weakly, watching her brown eyes move over to mine and a smile break out on her face as she laughed. She nodded in approval and we walked together over to the tables that were starting to fill up. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Together we collected the orders </span>
  <span>of everyone</span>
  <span> sitting at the tables and came back to the bar to put the orders in with Ian. The two guys from earlier were no longer at the bar, but not also within our range of vision, so Niki and I sat on the bar stools as we waited. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you figure it is? Bachelor party of some kind?” Ian mused while shaking a shiny silver canister in his hands and looking over at the tables where the men were sitting. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know but that fucking weirdo is here.” Niki grumbled, scrolling through her phone with her elbows resting on the bar. Ian’s eyebrow rose above his glasses at her words.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Which one? Russian guy?” He asked as he strained a clear liquid out into a glass and placed it gently on my tray. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“No, not him, I’d actually prefer him. The one I'm talking about was here at the bar with his friend earlier, you didn’t notice?” She asked, looking up from her phone. Ian was pulling another glass from under the bar when a frown formed on his face. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I didn’t see the guy’s face. He was looking over there.” He said, scooping ice into the glass in his hand. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, </span>
  <span>cause</span>
  <span> he was </span>
  <em>
    <span>staring at me</span>
  </em>
  <span> the whole time!” Niki yelled, slapping her palms down on the counter. Ian hummed in reply as he poured a brown liquid into the ice filled glass and placed it on her tray. A song heavy on the bass that thumped the whole room began playing and I watched as the drink on my tray vibrated with it. The lights shifted as well, casting the room in a moody pink so dark that it was actually a little difficult to see.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“For fucks sake!” Ian cursed, spilling alcohol over his hand and onto the counter. He quickly pulled a white towel from the band of his pants and cleaned himself off but the glasses continued rumbling along with the music. “Please go tell jackass number one to turn that shit down, and jackass number two to turn the lights up!” Ian yelled at the top of his lungs so I could hear him and pointed to Joji and Max respectively. I nodded, hopping off the bar stool before Ian’s voice called out to me.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“And come right back!” He yelled at me to which I smiled and nodded, letting him know I heard him. I started with jackass number one, Joji, who had his headphones on again and was nodding to the music as his eyes glued to his laptop screen. I made my way up the small platform and tapped lightly on his shoulder, drawing his attention. He pulled his headphones down over his neck and leaned down.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>What's</span>
  <span> up?” He yelled in my ear. I winced, pulling back slightly and cupping my ear in my hand.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s too loud! Ian wants you to turn it down!” I tried my best to yell back. He didn’t seem as bothered as I did though, instead he rolled his eyes and pulled the brim of his black baseball cap tighter over his head.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Tell Ian to shut the fuck up.” Joji replied, leaning back and pulling his headphones back up over his ears. The volume of the music didn’t change and, if anything, it got a little louder. My eyes moved over to Ian at the bar who was staring in my direction and looked to be fuming. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Nervously, I tapped Joji’s shoulder again and stepped up into the booth with him so he wouldn’t need to yell again. Before he could reply, I pulled his right headphone off his ear and tried my best to plead with him before he shut me out again.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Joji please,” I tried the sympathy approach, “turn the music down, I can’t hear anything.” I pulled back from his ear, noticing it was visibly redder, or so it looked in comparison to the rest of his face which was entirely bathed in pink from the lights. I felt guilt sweep me as I realized he must be uncomfortable with me invading his personal space. I took a step back and waited for his response which came in the form of the music turning down to an appropriate volume. I smiled gratefully at Joji who did not respond, before turning to the bar and giving Ian a thumbs up. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I stepped down from the platform </span>
  <span>separating</span>
  <span> Joji from the dance floor and made my way up the stairs to the right where I would need to deal with jackass number two, Max. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The black, metal stairs led me to Max and his lightboard, where he sat on a folded chair and scrolled through his phone. He looked up at my approach and smiled lightly.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey Liv, what brings ya?” He asked to which I smiled sheepishly. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, Ian was hoping you could turn the lights up just a bit...it’s kinda hard to see down there.” I explained, watching Max’s face fall at the mention of Ian’s name. I had noticed that Max and Joji seemed more defiant when it came to my asking requests on Ian’s behalf, so I decided that if I ever needed to do this again that I would ask simply for myself. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Is that all he does? Send you around here to do his bitching for him?” Max grumbled, standing up and flipping some switches on his board. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry.” I replied, </span>
  <span>completely</span>
  <span> aware of the guilt that was surfacing again. Max turned his head to look at me in confusion and released a deep sigh. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not your fault. Ian is always complaining. We drink too much, we smoke too much, we’re too loud, we’re too messy. Like, shut the fuck up, cunt.” Max vented as he raised the lights in the club just enough that I knew Ian would be happy. His words </span>
  <span>piqued</span>
  <span> my interest though, so I decided to ask him about it further. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Is it possible he’s just looking out for you?” I asked gently, watching as he came back around and sat in the folding chair in front of me. Max huffed a laugh and stretch his legs out in front of him.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I did consider that,” he mused, “before it became </span>
  <em>
    <span>everything </span>
  </em>
  <span>we did. Too much time playing video games, too much junk food, slept in too long. He acts like he’s our fucking </span>
  <span>mum</span>
  <span>.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You and George?” I asked for clarification, looking over the rails at Joji who was pressing some keys on his soundboard. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“And Chad, but that sick fuck likes it.” Max laughed. I smiled and was ready to ask him another question before catching sight of Niki downstairs carrying a tray full of drinks over to the tables. I was supposed to come right back but got side tracked a little bit so I said my farewells to Max and hurried back down to the floor. When I made it back to the bar, Ian gave me an approving smile as I carefully picked up my tray that was heavy with drinks. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I was balancing the large circular tray on my left shoulder and the palm of my left hand underneath it as I made my way to the sitting area where Niki was already serving drinks. A few tables ahead of me, Niki seemed to be irritable as she scowled at the man sitting before her. She set a full martini glass down on the table before rolling her eyes and huffing as she stormed away. The man watched her walk away with a smirk and immediately started laughing with the man beside him. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I served my drinks as quickly and effectively as I could before following Niki back to the bar. She grunted as she took a seat at the bar.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay?” I asked, sitting beside her and placing my tray on the bar. My eyes followed hers as she glared back over at the tables behind us. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, just got my ass grabbed by some creep, nothing new,” She muttered, turning back to the bar and resting her tray down on it. I frowned at her words but she cut me off before I could speak my distain. “Don’t worry, I’m fine. They’ll probably leave a huge tip anyway, guys like that always do.” She smiled softly at me, trying to reassure me it seemed like. I was confused why she felt the need to comfort me when I should have been comforting her. Was this sort of treatment normal for her? Was she trying to reassure me for when it happened to me? Maybe Gavin was right about this place...</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Speak to Me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Thursday passed by without a hitch. I had gone to work, served drinks with Niki, helped Ian cut up some lemons and limes for the bar, and let Niki show me where Ethan’s office is and how to break into it if I ever need to change the hours on my schedule. According to Niki, Ethan never came in to the club at night, only during the day to handle business. He had entrusted Ian to keep the club running smoothly at night, even allotting him a higher salary than the rest of us...or so the rumor goes. But every once in a while Ian will serve a beer or two to his buddies if the mood strikes him, and allows them to get away with things Ethan wouldn’t, like Joji’s smoking inside habit, or Niki’s excessive use of her cell phone while on the clock.</p><p>It made sense now why Ian was the way he was with the guys. He was the one in charge while the boss was away, his paycheck was at stake, but also...maybe...he simply liked the control. Max’s words came to mind as I digested the information Niki fed me.</p><p>
  <em>“-he acts like he’s our fucking mum.”</em>
</p><p>I laughed to myself. There was a weird dynamic between the men, almost like brothers. Ian would be the older brother for sure, he was too responsible not to be. Max, perhaps, the forgotten middle child. Just wanting to do his own thing. George, the third child. Charming and eager to be different from the others. The youngest before the new baby who gets away with entirely too much, Chad.</p><p>══════</p><p>On Friday night, Niki and I arrived to work early to prepare for the masses. We were at capacity for the number of customers we could handle between the 6 of us as we entered the club. Niki smiled at me reassuringly over the blaring music and together we made our way to the back room.</p><p>“It’s bound to be a good night for tips.” Niki grinned as she pulled her black tank top up and over her head, exposing her lacy pink bra. I diverted my eyes quickly to give her privacy while I opened my locker and set my bag down inside.</p><p>“You should consider it,” Niki said, coming up beside me and opening her own locker. I watched as she stored her bra, tank top, and purse inside before shutting it. “I went from making 50 bucks a night to 300.”</p><p>I snorted a laugh at her as I closed my locker. “Yeah right.”</p><p>“That’s fine. To each their own.” Niki smoothed her hair as she shrugged at me and spun around to push open the door. Rhythmic music flooded in, filling my ears. I took a deep breath, pulling down the front of my shirt and adjusting my skirt before following Niki out to the bar.</p><p>Niki caught eyes as she strode through the crowd, both appreciative and harsh, but they all made a path for her. She caught the attention of the entire room, it seemed like. Whether that was because she was displaying her bare breasts or because she moved with a confidence that was unmatched, was beyond me. Either way, we made it through the crowd effortlessly and behind the bar to grab our trays.</p><p>The night moved slowly as Niki and I raced around the room. We had a lot of work to do but it wasn’t too bad. Niki kept me laughing and even pulled me to the dance floor for a quick break. I can't explain to you how uncomfortable it was dancing alongside my bouncing, half naked friend. I’d realized that while she spun me around with her under the interchanging neon lights, a bright smile on her face and one on mine as well, that she was my friend. Perhaps she considered me a friend to her as well, or so I hoped. By the end of the night, early everyone was tipsy if not completely drunk, employees included. Ian was serving drinks to George, Max, and Niki without complaint. Ian himself was also taking shots with some girls at the bar and offered me one as well but I declined. I would imagine Chad was sober as well since his job was relatively more important than ours, and a passed out bouncer wasn’t exactly safe. I was alone in terms of sound body and mind, as I served what few people were still seated at the tables and not out on the floor. Niki was dancing still, naked and carefree. She was hanging onto a tall man who’s face I only saw once but who was very good looking. I laughed to myself as I watched them dancing and realized Niki was the only person here who was completely bare chested. Some girls were dressed in skimpy lingerie tops, or had on bralettes but none were as bold as Niki.</p><p>A quick look around the room told me everyone was momentarily satisfied and I could take a quick break, so I sat on the furthest stool at the bar and watched Ian as he flirted with a couple of blondes. He was leaning forward on his elbows, grinning at the giggling girls. I smiled. I didn’t know too much about Ian but he didn’t seem like the most outspoken person unless it was whipping his friends back into place. It was good to see him smiling and letting go of some control.</p><p>“Ian,” a deep voice called from beside me, catching my attention. Joji was standing to my right, leaning over the bar top and staring intently at Ian, who either couldn’t hear him or actively chose to ignore him. “Yo!” Joji yelled again, finally catching Ian’s eye. I watched Ian sigh deeply before saying something I couldn’t hear to the girls and walking towards us with a frown on his face.</p><p>“What George?” Ian said in an annoyed tone as he threw a quick glance at me. I shrugged innocently and pulled my phone from the waistband of my skirt in an effort to mind my business.</p><p>“I need another beer.” Joji sighed, sitting down on the stool next to me. I couldn’t see him as I scrolled through instagram but I could hear the squeak of the seat. I realized then, because I could hear the squeak, that the music wasn’t as intensely loud as it was before and that Joji must have it on a playlist temporarily while he took a break.</p><p>“How many have you had tonight?” Ian asked, leaning an arm against the bar and looking over his shoulder to smile at the girls.</p><p>“Not enough.” Joji replied with humor in his voice. Apparently that was good enough for Ian, who I'm sure just wanted to get back to his prospects, so he grabbed a chilled beer from the mini fridge and set it in front of Joji before leaving our side of the bar. The was silence for a moment, beside the pop and sizzle of Joji opening his drink, before he spoke.</p><p>“How’s it going?” He asked. I looked up quickly and scanned our surroundings to make sure it was me he was talking to before making an ass of myself. I clicked the button on the side of my phone and slid it into my waistband in order to give him my full attention.</p><p>“Oh, ah...good. It’s been good. Busy.” I exclaimed, swerving the bar stool around so my back was against the bar and I was facing the dance floor. Joji was sitting with his elbows on the bar, his thumb running across the label on the glass bottle in his hands.</p><p>“Yeah.” He agreed and took another long drink. He didn’t seem drunk or even tipsy, but he drank with a purpose, not like Niki or Ian who were looking for a good time. Joji was gulping at his beer. I’d only ever seen one person drink that way. I pushed the uncomfortable thoughts to the back of my brain and looked for a distraction before they crept up again.</p><p>“So, you did say that next time we got the chance, you’d show me some of your music.” I mused, crossing my legs and smoothing my black skirt over my thighs. Joji chuckled, finally swerving his chair around as well.</p><p>“I did,” He confirmed, leaving his beer behind him at the bar before sitting forward. His eyes drifted but I couldn’t follow them before he stood and faced me. Because of the way the lights shone over the room, I could barely see his face. His hair was outlined in a brilliant turquois color before changing to changing to green. I couldn’t see his face very well, but I could see the wave of his hand as he gestured for me to follow him. “C'mon.”</p><p>I obeyed, standing and adjusting my clothing quickly again before following him through the crowd. I flinched as someone violently shoved their elbow into my arm but that was about the worst of it. I rubbed the spot on my arm that was sure to be a bruise as I followed Joji up into his booth. He stepped back, gesturing me to step up to the soundboard with him and I eagerly accepted. The board was very wide and looked like the kind that you would see in recording studios. It had buttons that slid and could be pushed and a small square device that had multiple light up squares on it. I had no idea what anything did but it was really cool to see up close.</p><p>“Alright, I’ll play a song for you.” Joji grinned, coming up to my left where his laptop sat on the booth. He clicked on the computer a few times and adjusted some dials on the soundboard before taking a step back and standing behind me. The crowd didn’t seem to mind the lull in the music as the song that had been previously playing came to an end and Joji’s song slowly began.</p><p>It started slow and soft as piano notes, I think, began filling the air. The color of the room shifted around again, this time to a deep blue. I concentrated on the sound of Joji’s voice as he began singing softly in the song.</p><p>
  <em>Searching for a reason why</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Oh</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Searching where the leaves don't grow, grow, grow</em>
</p><p>I turned around to face Joji, ready to express my amazement at how great his voice sounded but he wasn’t looking at me. He was looking at his laptop which had some program on it I did not recognize but looked like some kind of music editing software. He was watching the song play on horizontal lines across the screen and mouthing along, deeply focused.</p><p>The song moved on quickly to Joji singing and a pause that sounded like wind and change jingling. That beat followed through as he kept singing before a female voice cut in and added background vocals. It was all very beautiful and I was pleased to know that I genuinely enjoyed the song but it was cut off abruptly by distorted singing and record scratch sound. Joji had taken to the computer and seemingly cut the song off himself so he could switch to a more upbeat hip hop song. When he had finished, he turned back to me.</p><p>“What did you think?” He asked genuinely, leaning back against the wall behind him. I turned to face him completely but was careful not to lean against the soundboard behind me.</p><p>“It was great! I really like it, thank you,” I smiled appreciatively, which he seemed to accept.</p><p>“Yeah, it’s not official or anything, but some people like it.” His eye crinkled in the corners with his smile. I spent the next 40 minutes asking him, or likely just annoying him, with questions about his music. How many songs he’d made and if he would be willing to let me hear more. He seemed comfortable answering my questions but I still tried not to be too invasive like asking him for his SoundCloud even though he’d mentioned it a couple of times.</p><p>“How about,” He started, rolling a napkin around in a ball in his palm. “Next game night I’ll show you my set up.” He looked me in the eyes, gauging my reaction. I was intrigued but confused. A lot of people in the room had cleared as we reared the end of our shift. It was the early morning hours and the only people left were too waster to dance, including Niki who was on a couch on the other side of the room with some guy’s tongue exploring her mouth.</p><p>“Oh, are you hosting next or something?” I asked dumbly, watching the smile on his face appear before just as quickly disappearing. He shook his head no.</p><p> </p><p>“No, I live with Ian and Max.” He clarified, still rolling the ball between his hands and turning it over in m his fingers.</p><p>“Oh, ok. That sounds good.” I sat down on the floor of the booth, feeling the ache of my feet and needing the instant relief. Joji copied me, sitting cross legged beside me as we continued our conversation. We talked for a bit about random stuff like his living situation with Ian and Max for the next hour until it was time to close. Chad emerged from the front doors when all the lingering patrons had been called Ubers back to their homes and the front had been locked for us to clean up. Niki chose to go home with her new company and wished us all a goodnight and a promise to text us in the morning. Ian was somewhat happy as he’d scored a phone number but he’d also received a shirt covered in colorful vomit from one of the girls he’d been taking shots with. Joji joked that it wasn’t the worst thing to ever happen to him and received a deadly glare back from Ian and a roaring laugh from Max.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. ケツを食ベる</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>I’d been working at Club 88 for about a month and a half and had made some really good friends out of my coworkers. I found myself going out more than I ever had in the few years I’d been living in Brooklyn. Monday or Tuesdays I’d be called out to lunch with the group or to an early dinner before game night. Once, we went bowling and I’d completely embarrassed myself by coming in dead last with nearly all gutter balls. Max joked that next time they would put up the bumpers for me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Speaking of Max, Ian mentioned to me at work one night that next week would be his birthday and that instead of game night we’d be going to some really big arcade Max always wanted to go to. Max had given me a quick tour of his bedroom to show off his massive collection of video games and toys. He had two large bookshelves full of video games, movies, pop </span>
  <span>vinyls</span>
  <span>, plushies, toys, consoles, and even more in his closet so the arcade felt appropriate.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Things at home weren't going as great. I suspect Gavin had begun to grow jealous of the time I spent with my friends because every time I’d tell him where I was going, he would roll his eyes and start complaining. When his snide comments and glares at my phone when I got text messages grew more frequent, I knew it would only get worse. He hadn't commanded anything yet, likely aware that telling me to stop socializing with friends would look bad on him, but I could sense his growing frustration. I’d tried to talk to him about it once by sitting him down and asking him if he wanted to join or if I could host at our apartment, but I was met with brick wall silence. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I felt bad for not having paid that much attention to Gavin, I really did, but I was having more fun in the last few weeks than I ever had before. Joking and being silly only felt natural in front of Niki at first, then slowly spread to being more comfortable within the group. Dancing stupidly whenever a song I liked came on and making awful jokes that I normally wouldn’t at home because at home I’m met with comments like “maybe keep that to yourself.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Something about being around these people made me feel like a different person in only a few weeks. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Max’s birthday was on Saturday night but since we all had to work that night, we were going out on Monday night instead. I had been finishing up my makeup in the bathroom when the door opened and Gavin came in behind me as I was sitting on the bathroom counter with my legs tucked in the sink. He looked me in the eyes through the mirror.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey.” I greeted, swiping black mascara through my eyelashes. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Where are you going?” It sounded more like an accusation than a question, but I shook that off and answered him like I didn’t already know what he was about to do. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Max’s birthday, I told you last week.” I replied gently, popping the mascara wand back into the tube and inspecting my eyes. I’d done a pretty shitty job but moved on to the lipstick anyway. I pulled a pinkish nude lipstick from my small makeup bag beside me as Gavin grunted his displeasure.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh,” He mumbled. Our eyes locked in the mirror again as I swiped the stick across my bottom lip. I looked away to fix any lipstick that fell out of the boundary of my lips and capped the stick. “</span>
  <span>Well,</span>
  <span> I was hoping we could watch a movie together since I don’t have work tonight.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I turned my head over my shoulder to look at him then. I knew he was slowly starting to find ways to keep me home. He didn’t like me going out, even with friends, and made that clear over the years. I knew it wasn’t okay but the look on his face didn’t keep the guilt from crashing into me and drowning me. Maybe that’s why I always let him have his way. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You hate watching movies.” I replied slowly, feeling a lump form in my throat. Every interaction with him was like this. Never a single desire for time with me unless it’s to keep me here. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“</span>
  </em>
  <span>Yeah, but I know you like it so...” was his response as he shifted his feet uncomfortably. I didn’t reply, instead choosing to grab a clear lip gloss from my makeup bag and apply a single coat to my lips. I pulled my legs out of the sink and swung them around the counter to hang off the side, feeling the tingly pain that came when they were asleep. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry...I told them I would come.” I unknowingly clutched the lip gloss tight in my hand as I looked at him face to face. Sadness that once permeated his features was quickly replaced with disappointment and annoyance. He furrowed his brows while he snapped at me.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine, whatever.” I watched him retreat from the bathroom and the mild anxious feeling that locked my limbs finally settled. My hand let go of the lip gloss and it fell on the counter with a soft </span>
  <em>
    <span>clink</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>══════</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>An hour later, a text from Niki popped up on my phone telling me they were all downstairs waiting for me. I ran to my closet to grab my black coat before coming out to the </span>
  <span>living room</span>
  <span> where Gavin was watching tv. I sat on the arm chair beside the couch while I texted Niki that I was on my way down and proceeded to pull my sneakers on. Gavin </span>
  <span>hadn't</span>
  <span> looked at me, probably still angry that I chose not to stay in with him. I decided that I would find a way to make it up to him if he really </span>
  <span>genuinely</span>
  <span> did want to spend time with me. Perhaps we could go on a date night for the first time in 4 or 5 years. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m leaving.” I stood, pulling my bag over my shoulder. He looked up at me with unseeing eyes and flung a small, dismissive wave. With that, I left the apartment, running down the stairs in excitement. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Outside, I was met with a black 4 door car that was pulled up to the curb with its lights on, illuminating the street in front of it. It was already getting dark out, the sun fading and only leaving behind a deep plum that would soon shift into onyx. The tinted passenger window rolled down and Niki’s smiling face popped out of it.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Get in, bitch!” She yelled at me, pulling her entire torso out of the window and shaking her cleavage at me. I laughed at her antics as I made my way to the door behind hers and pulled it open. Max sat on the far side of the back seat. He was dressed casually in black pants, sneakers, and a gray track jacket. In the middle seat was George, who turned to smile at me in greeting as I scooted in beside him. He was dressed in an oversized white shirt with some Japanese writing I couldn’t understand, an open black zip-up, a beanie, jeans and all black shoes. When I closed the door, Ian pulled away from the curb and began driving.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi Max, happy birthday.” I looked around Joji, catching the wide grin of the shaggy brown haired boy beside him.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks Liv, what’d </span>
  <span>ya</span>
  <span> get me?” He teased, making grabby hands at me. I scoffed in retaliation before pulling my purse onto my lap. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What did I get you? As if my presence </span>
  <span>isn't</span>
  <span> enough?” I joked, digging around in my purse for his gift. I pulled a card out and handed it to him proudly. Max took the card quickly, almost hitting George in his excitement. “A 60 day subscription gift card to World of Warcaft. That’s the one you wanted, right?” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Much appreciated, mate. Thank you!” Max grinned happily, stashing the card in his jacket pockets. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey guys, thanks for picking me up,” I smiled gratefully at Ian, quickly receiving a ‘you’re welcome’. I pulled my seatbelt around my body to buckle myself in but didn’t immediately find the buckle. “Ian, I love your car.” I felt around with my hand for the buckle to my seat before looking down to search for it. It was no use though as the night left no light in the car for me to see. The only source of light I had available was the scant gleam that the poles and street signals cast in through the windshield. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks, it’s a lease.” Ian joked. I looked up at the roof of the car above me, searching for an interior light I could turn on but didn’t see one. Before I could ask Ian, Joji’s voice beside me caught my attention.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Sometimes it can fall into the seats</span>
  <span>.... here</span>
  <span>...” Joji mumbled, feeling around the space between us and brushed my thigh with his fingertips before quickly pulling them back. “Sorry.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I felt my heart leap at the contact and suddenly wished I </span>
  <span>hadn't</span>
  <span> chosen to wear shorts, but I shook my head that it was okay and tried to help him by scooting away. His hand dug around in between the cushions and pulled the buckle out as far as he could. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Got it.” He told me, moving his hands away and facing the front again. I grabbed ahold on the buckle, clicking my seatbelt into it and adjusting the strap across my chest.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I listened to Niki and Ian chat about some TV show I didn’t watch before losing interest and focusing on what little I could see outside the window. Night was well upon us, but it was especially dark as thick gray clouds lingered in the sky, blocking the moon. The streets outside passed by us in a blur and then came to a stop when we reached red lights or turns. I soon heard Max’s voice join in to the conversation.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I swear to god it was such a sick fucking twist from how it should have happened! Don’t you remember when she freed the slaves? Why the fuck would she burn an entire kingdom full of innocent people? You’re wrong, dumbass!” Max yelled passionately, slapping his hands on his knees as he finished and Niki began her argument.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Weren't you paying attention? It’s completely like her! She’s following in her father’s footsteps and burning it all to the ground. It was empowering.” Niki leaning over her seat as she countered Max’s argument. Beside me, Joji was laughing and behind the wheel, Ian was frowning deeply.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What the actual fuck are you talking about? It was a lazy half assed way for them to end it and move on. Fuck your empowerment, you’re seeing what you want to see.” Ian chimed in, glaring at Niki as she returned to her seat and glared right back at him. She continued to argue, but I checked out of the conversation before it got any more confusing. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I noticed Joji stretch his legs out in front of him in what little room he had. One of his legs was on my side of the center console, his other was on Max’s side. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“So, what does your shirt say?” I asked George conversationally. I nudged him gently with my elbow when he didn’t reply after a moment. He turned his head to look at me with a tired, distant look on his face, as if he’d been deep in thought just a moment ago.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hm?”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Your shirt. What does that say?” I repeated, gesturing with a nod of my head to the Japanese writing across his chest. He looked down and quickly back up with a meek smile.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, uh...”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“It says ‘I eat ass’” Ian interjected from the front seat, glancing at us in the rearview mirror. Max howled with laughter, clutching his sides and Niki giggled along as well. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Stop, no it doesn’t.” I objected, fully believing they were teasing me. Ian raised an eyebrow at me in the mirror and a smirk grew on his face before he spoke again.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“No? George is the Jap here, what’s it </span>
  <span>say</span>
  <span> George?” Ian challenged, making Max laugh harder. The car came to a stop as we pulled into a parking space. He turned the engine off and turned his whole body to look back and face Joji.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s a fucking joke, I-I don’t even know why I still wear this shirt.” Joji huffed, unbuckling his seat belt and shoving a hysterical Max into the car door while ordering him to get out. </span>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Kawaii</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The second Max pulled on the release of his door, George roughly kicked Max in the ribs, effectively shoving his unexpecting Aussie friend to the pavement. As George stepped over Max’s crumpled body, Max grabbed onto Joji’s ankle, almost tripping him. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Cunt.” Max hissed, though a smile appeared on his face not a second later. Joji grinned before shutting the door, cutting off my view of them. I took that moment to step out of the car as well. Niki slid out of the </span>
  <span>passenger</span>
  <span> side, flashing me a smile and a friendly eyeroll at the boys’ antics before hooking her arm in mine and pulling me along with her. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Where have </span>
  <span>ya</span>
  <span> fucking twats been? I’ve been waiting for like 20 minutes.” Chad emerged from a tiny silver car that was parked 3 spots over. His hair was pulled back into a ponytail again and his once thick beard was trimmed down significantly. He approached Ian just a few steps behind Niki and I as we all walked through the parking lot towards the arcade. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“And yet, </span>
  <span>you're</span>
  <span> still alive,” Ian mocked, earning a pout from Chad. “I told you we had to pick up Liv.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, that’s right,” Chad mused before spinning to walk backwards alongside Ian and make eye contact with George and Max behind him. “Happy birthday, fag.” The sweet greeting meant for Max reached my ears.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck off </span>
  <span>ya</span>
  <span> fat bitch.” Max smiled, clearly in a great mood and I was too. Everyone was in a good mood, smiling or laughing with each other. No tension. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The arcade we stepped into was huge, and I mean it was the biggest arcade I’d ever seen in my life. Two stories, a bar off to the side, rows of machines that stretched so far back that I couldn’t see the end, and a small food court beside the bar that smelled of fresh popcorn. The arcade itself was incredibly dark, the only light being omitted was from the machines, creating a splendor of varying neon hues. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>To the right of us, at the door, was a ticket booth that was completely lit up and visible, where we could purchase admittance and purchase points for play cards that were used instead of change. George pushed his way to the front, just as Niki and I we were about to pay.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve got it.” He said, pulling a card from his wallet and handing it to the teenage boy standing behind the counter. Any peep of objection I made was swiftly dismissed by him so I sighed and let him get this one. He purchased the party pack, a 12 person admittance that included 999 points for each person’s card but since there were only 6 of us, we were all given a 2</span>
  <span>nd</span>
  <span> play card, so really it was 2,000 points each. We would never spend all of it tonight but it was a genuine gesture and everyone thanked Joji for his kindness.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, that’s my birthday gift, don’t ask me for shit else.” George joked to Max, handing him 2 cards. Max patted Joji’s arm with a smile and another thank you before they took off to the floor to go play games. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you want to play?” Niki asked me as we made our way down the rows of pinball machines. I looked around for something we could both do together that would be fun and spotted some air hockey tables up ahead. I squealed, pulling her along with me to the tables. A few other people were occupying them but an open table sat to the farthest right so I made my way towards it. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not great at this.” Niki </span>
  <span>murmured</span>
  <span>, picking up the plastic handle and </span>
  <span>observing</span>
  <span> it. I swiped my card, watching as the light on the card reader went from red to green and the table dispersed a little orange puck. Air began blowing softly from the holes covering the top of the table, it was ready to play.</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>══════</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>12 minutes later, Niki had won 7 to 5 and was celebrating her victory by dancing around the table. I put my handle down and feigned annoyance, but I couldn’t hide the smile that leapt onto my face at her joy. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, alright, you pick the next one.” I huffed, allowing Niki to push me further into the arcade where the actual arcade style games were but she walked right past those and towards the claw machines instead. On both my left and right were rows of claw machines, all filled with something different like plushies or candy. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh my god, look.” Niki stopped me in front of a machine that had been filled with cute Japanese style plushies all designed to look like breakfast foods with wide eyes and tiny “u” shaped smiles. She pointed her finger at one in the back, a smiling plushie of a stack of pancakes with a slab of butter and syrup on its head. “I need it!” As she leaned in to the glass of the machine, her face illuminated with its yellow glow.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>A loud bell rang back in the direction we’d left just then, the same bell that you’d hear at a carnival when someone wins a prize. Niki paid no attention to it as she slid her card and braced her hands on the joy stick and big red button. I watched her move the claw over to the little pancake, hovering briefly before pushing the button to descend the claw. Slowly the claw moved downward, opening up to grip the pancake in </span>
  <span>its</span>
  <span> metal claws and pulling back up. Niki squealed, watching the pancake soar across the sea of his cute companions before being dropped just before he could reach the box that would’ve delivered him to her. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“No!” She screamed, sliding her card and preparing to save him again. I laughed at her determination and watched as she tried again, and then a 3</span>
  <span>rd</span>
  <span> time, and then a 4</span>
  <span>th</span>
  <span>. I was leaning against the glass side of the machine, watching with little interest as the claw didn’t even grip the pancake this time and returned empty handed. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you want me to try?” I suggested, watching as she swiped her card for the 5</span>
  <span>th</span>
  <span> time. She was deadly focused, her eyebrows furrowed and her eyes never leaving the fluffy little pancake. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I can do it.” She replied in a serious tone, her left hand guiding the joy stick once again. I looked around our vicinity at the other machines. One had little action figures in it that I didn’t recognize but that I thought Max might like, another had </span>
  <span>iPhones</span>
  <span>, or at least </span>
  <span>iPhone displays. I wondered how they could even afford to give away phones like that. The machine to my right had the cheap candy you can buy 5 pounds of for a dollar like smarties and dots, and the machine across from me had a variety of plushies from famous </span>
  <span>children's</span>
  <span> cartoons. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m </span>
  <span>gonna</span>
  <span> walk around.” I told her, being waved off immediately as she focused. Little chimes and bells went off as I passed, colors and lights trying to pull me in to play whatever game they belonged to. A tingling of nostalgia overcame me as I remembered birthdays at Chuck E Cheese and after school trips to the mall arcade with my friends back home in California. Anything even a little reminiscent of childhood stung, both in a good way and bad way, but there was no escaping it in a place like this. I passed by a whack a mole, listening to the silly banjo music and mocking of the character. I was too distracted to look where I was going, however, and smacked right into a person, making them grunt.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Ow, shit.” Max rubbed his chest where I had </span>
  <span>ran</span>
  <span> into him before looking me in the eyes and smiling. “</span>
  <span>Oh,</span>
  <span> hey Olivia. Look at this.” He held up his fists which had small rolls of tickets wrapped around them. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, wow, you’ve been busy huh?” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Max grinned and turned around to point back towards the front of the arcade. “</span>
  <span>Yeah,</span>
  <span> there's a fuckin PS4 up there for 12 million tickets.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Good luck with that.” I laughed, clutching my play card between both my hands. Max looked down at the game I was standing in front of and motioned toward it. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You having fun? I don’t see any tickets on you.” He glanced back over at my hands, likely looking for tickets to be wrapped </span>
  <span>around</span>
  <span> them like his. I pointed behind me without turning away.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, me and Niki were playing air hockey and that doesn’t give out any tickets. Now she’s back there trying to win something from the claw machine.” Max looked around me down the row of games where Niki was still </span>
  <span>standing</span>
  <span> at the machine and smirked. Someone approached us from the left, walking straight up to us and holding a large roll of tickets in between two fingers.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Here’s a couple hundred.” Joji </span>
  <span>murmured</span>
  <span>, waiting for Max to take them, which he did quickly and excitedly. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks man, now I’m </span>
  <span>gonna</span>
  <span> go show her how it’s done, she obviously doesn’t know what the fuck she’s doing.” Max laughed, stuffing the roll of tickets in his front pocket and leaving us to go stalk after Niki. I watched them, as Max said something to Niki and immediately saw the look of annoyance on her face as she snarked back at him and they proceeded to fight over the controls. I cracked a smile at the interaction before turning back around and was surprised to see Joji still standing there, staring at the whack a mole game.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Wanna play?” I asked him, picking up one of the </span>
  <span>worn down</span>
  <span> plastic mallets and holding it out to him. He quirked a single eyebrow at me and stepped closer, taking the mallet from my hand.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure, why not?” He hummed, stepping alongside me and swiping his play card. I swiped my own card at the machine next to his and waited. The game showed a little animation of a gopher... or...mole popping out of the ground and sticking his tongue out at us.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Good luck! You’ll need it!” The mole mocked in an obnoxious Alvin the chipmunk </span>
  <span>esque</span>
  <span> voice before giggling and ducking back into </span>
  <span>its</span>
  <span> hole. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>READY</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The game’s lights began spinning as it started the countdown.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>SET</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Beside me, Joji hunched over the board with his mallet at the ready and I copied him. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>GO!</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I let my mallet fly as the mole popped up out of a hole in front of me and again when the mole popped up in front of Joji. Our mallets collided, neither of us actually hitting the mole and we received a squeaky, mocking laugh as result. Another one popped up on my </span>
  <span>far right</span>
  <span> side but I didn’t see it that one, I had my eyes on the mole on Joji’s left. That’s how, in our effort to beat each other, our foreheads slammed against one another’s and we collectively hissed in pain. The sharp sting shot through my face causing me to drop my mallet and take a step back. When we missed too many pop ups, the game ended and the dumb little mole animation laughed at us.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Ow, fuck.” Joji complained, dropping his mallet as well and holding a hand to the sore spot on his forehead. I let out a single laugh at the look on his face before more giggles trickled out and so I was in full on hysterics. Joji looked at me in bewilderment, his eyebrows furrowing for a moment before he broke out in a grin.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Why are you laughing?” He smiled. I shook my head and straightened to a standing position while </span>
  <span>stifling</span>
  <span> my laughter.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know, I’m sorry.” I waved my hand in dismissal before stepping up to Joji and taking his hand, pulling it away from his face to inspect. He had a small patch of scraped skin and it was slightly red but overall, he’d be okay. “How’s mine?” I asked, pushing my hair back from my forehead for him to check out. He looked down his nose at me in surprise, blinking once...twice...before clearing his throat.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“A little red.” He replied seriously, then bending down to the whack a mole game to grab the 2 consolation tickets it spit out for us. He held them between his fingers, offering them to me. “Let’s get some tickets for Max.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>══════</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s cheating!” I chastised Joji as he reached over the net separating us from the basketball hoop and dropped the ball into the hoop. The buzzer rang, signaling a successful basket made and adding point onto the overall score. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Pass me another.” He looked at me over his shoulder, making a ‘give me’ motion with his left hand. I scowled but passed him another basketball anyway. He grinned, taking it and dropping it in the basket and earning another few </span>
  <span>points</span>
  <span>. He looked at me expectantly again.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“George...” I sighed, handing him another ball. The room was still pitch black, except for the orange and red spinning lights from the game we were currently manipulating and the machines around us. It was just dark enough for him to not get caught.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Just keep lookout and pass me as many balls as you can.” Joji strained himself on his toes to toss the ball in. Another perfect shot. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re a bad person.” I teased, handing him another ball and making eye contact with him. He arched a brow at me in question while dropping the ball over the net. The game chimed again; its spinning red lights flashing across George’s face.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Am I?” He mocked, taking the next ball I handed him. I nodded in confirmation and gestured to the game he was conning. He shook his head in disagreement. “You have no idea what kind of person I am.” He said low enough that I think he meant to only say it to himself.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Then what kind of person are you?” I challenged him, bouncing the ball on the floor in front of me. He waited for me to pass it to him but when I didn’t, he stole it and dropped it over the net again. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>Wouldn't</span>
  <span> you like to know?” Joji mused, in what </span>
  <span>sounded</span>
  <span> like a joking tone, leaving the side of the net as the timer met zero and the game announced him a winner. The machine spit out a long rope of tickets that began stacking themselves on the floor. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure. Why not?” I watched as the tickets continued to pour out and wondered just how long it would be before it stopped. George’s eyes found mine.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’d like to know what kind of person you are, so tell me.” I figured while we were waiting that I might as well call his bluff. I was interested in learning more about George anyway as he was the first person in my new group of friends that I met. He looked puzzled by my request, as if he didn’t set it up in the first place. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah...” He hesitated, his eyes leaving mine and watching the tickets as they finally came to a stop. There had to be a couple thousand tickets stacked neatly on the floor in front of us. He leaned down to rip the last ticket from the machine and scooped the stack up in his left hand, clenching it in his palm. “I don’t know.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t know who you are?” I asked, following him as he began walking away from me towards the motorcycle racing games. I could sense he was holding something back, and normally I would immediately apologize for making him uncomfortable but something was telling me to keep pushing him to see what he would say. I knew a fair amount of personal information about everyone else, including Chad, but the only thing I knew about George was that he liked making music. I wanted to know more.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Joji hummed in nonresponse to my inquiry, seemingly choosing to ignore me and hope I would let it go. Instead, however, I felt like trying a different approach. I walked alongside him, keeping stride as we moved through the rows of games before he stopped in front of a zombie shooting game with plastic guns. I looked around him at his face but he wasn’t looking at me, he was too focused watching the demo on the screen.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“So... I know you like music,” I began, poking his arm. “Do you have any other hobbies?” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He looked down and smiled kindly at me but still ignored my question. His only response was to stuff the ticket stack in his pocket, swipe his card on the machine for both of us and pick up the plastic gun. “You gonna play or what?” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I frowned but picked up the gun in front of me regardless. It was one of those hunter's rifles, the ones with the long barrel and wood plated handles, except plastic. I looked through the scope and pulled the trigger at the START on the screen to signal that I was ready. A countdown started from 3 before our characters entered a decrepit hallway filled with the living dead and we pulled our triggers.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t you tell me something about you for once?” His deep voice met finally spoke to my left as he held the gun up and pulled the trigger back repeatedly. On screen, George had 3 more kills than I had already so I worked overtime to not allow myself to lose like I did with Niki. Every time a zombie popped out from behind a door, I made a shot for it, even if it was on his side of the screen.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay. How about I say something about myself and then you say something about yourself?” I suggested, finally catching up and passing Joji’s kill count. He was at 8, I was now at 11. He made a sort of half laugh, half huff before </span>
  <span>speaking</span>
  <span> again.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine. Go on.” 2 more down for Joji. He was only 1 behind me now and I panicked as our characters moved through the dark hallway. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay um.... I like potted plants.” I said hastily, making sure to nail the zombie that came charging at me from the right before it could kill my character. Joji looked away from the screen briefly to give me a confused look.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s doesn’t count. Tell me something about your personality or childhood. Something good.” His eyes returned to the screen just in time to blast through the chest of a corpse emerging from a hole in the floor boards. I faltered a little as I considered his words before composing myself again. I didn’t want to tell him too much, not yet at least.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I was born in California.” I stated, reloading my gun with the push of a large circular button on the machine. Joji did the same beside me.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Where in California?” He asked, lifting his scope to his eye and taking another shot. I shook my head.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Mm-mm, your turn.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He looked annoyed but complied after a couple more shots. We were now tied with 12 points each and only a minute left on the game. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I was born in Japan.” He teased, knowing full well that I already knew that from all the Pearl Harbor jokes Max and Ian always made towards him. I rolled my eyes at him and waved my hand for another. “I’m half Australian.” He tried again, pulling his trigger at the screen. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Really? That’s interesting. Which one of your par-?” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Your turn.” He cut me off, taking heavy shots at the mob of zombies that were invading us now. Okay, maybe his parents were a sore subject, I would let that one slide. With only 30 seconds left on the clock I tried my best to catch up to him and blindly shot at everything in front of me.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I uh...I...” I couldn’t focus on our conversation as the clock counted down quickly and the swarm were overwhelming us. Joji didn’t seem to mind either as he was equally as focused on staying alive and hitting double point spots like between the eyes. 20 seconds left and both of our health points were quickly dwindling. We were tied again, neck and neck. The time hit 10 seconds and with every kill we earned, we lost more health. Too many zombies had formed a crowd around us so we were being attacked from all sides.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>With 5 seconds left on the timer, it turned red and began counting down in bloody numbers. It was nothing but button smashing at that point as he and I both rotated between pressing the reload button and pulling the trigger repeatedly.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>4</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>3</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>2</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Joji’s character’s HP hit zero and his screen instantly went black with his score of 33 and bloody red words that read ‘GAME OVER’. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck!” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>1</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>My character’s HP hit 0 but my screen lit up with my total score, 34, and a deep, creepy voice announced “Winner.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I screamed in excitement, clutching my gun and jumping in place. Between us, the machine pushed out a long rope of tickets; not quite as long as the basketball game but enough to make pride swell in my chest. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Good job.” Joji praised with a grin, placing his gun back in </span>
  <span>its</span>
  <span> holder. I returned my gun as well and waited for him to collect all of the tickets before handing them to me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Give them to Max.” I refused the tickets, shaking my head. He shrugged, pushing them into his pocket with the others and nodding his head for me to follow him. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“C'mon.” Joji smiled at me over his shoulder and a sudden warmth spread through my chest, taking over my face. I was blushing, I realized. He was a few steps ahead of me already, strolling slowly and looking around. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Chill psycho,</span>
  </em>
  <span> I told myself. Just a little bit of attention from an attractive member of the opposite sex and I was already blushing like a schoolgirl? Embarrassing.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s still your turn, you know.” He called to me a few feet ahead. His lean figure stood still, watching me. His hands in his front pockets and innocent smile on his lips. </span>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Fatality</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Have you ever smoked pot?” Joji asked walking slowly beside me. We had been swapping personal information back and forth for the last hour and mostly walking around the arcade mindlessly until one of us saw a game we wanted to play and dragged the other with us. We’d ran into Max and Ian once already as they were laughing and climbing over each other to sit on a tiny mechanical car that rumbled and moved back and forth. We’d also caught sight of Chad and Niki separately, with Chad happily gorging himself on greasy pizza from the food court, and Niki with an army of plushies around her feet as she plastered her face to the glass of the claw machine. We’d just finished playing a game of frogger on one of the older machines and were looking around for our next source of entertainment. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Once... kinda. My friend made these special brownies and brought them to school in 10</span>
  <span>th</span>
  <span> grade and... yeah we got suspended.” I giggled at the memory of my Spanish teacher wondering what was wrong with me as I started at the wall for a solid hour. Joji snorted in amusement at my answer.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You?” I asked, turning a corner to the right and watching his feet immediately follow my change in course and turn the corner as well. My eyes moved up to his face where he’d raised a single thick brow at me.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course not, I’m a good boy.” His reply forced a laugh out of me. I didn’t believe him but </span>
  <span>I</span>
  <span> nodded anyway, looking away and thinking of another question but he beat me to the punch, which was unfortunate because I was considering teasing him about his </span>
  <span>t-shirt</span>
  <span>.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you want to be when you grow up?” Joji’s question threw me off, not only at the silly way he said it but also because... I didn’t know the answer. My feet stopped moving of their own accord as I considered his question. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Too personal?” He inquired, possibly noticing the look on my face. I looked up into his deep brown eyes.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“No, not at all... I just don’t know.” I smiled apologetically, continuing our walk. “I want to go back to college someday, I just don’t really know what to do after that.” I explained as I watched a group of children sprint past us at full speed. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s normal, not everyone knows what they want to do.” Joji said slowly, keeping stride with me. “College is a great start.” His encouraging words made me want to smile but I repressed the urge. It sounded like he genuinely cared, but I knew he was only being polite.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” I agreed. I had unintentionally led us right into a bank of photo booths and came face to face with a large, white, rectangular box. Its entrance covered only by a tiny red curtain. I looked to my left where Joji was lingering. “Let’s take a picture.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Why?” He questioned but I had already pushed past the curtain and took a seat on the right side of the tiny booth. I touched the screen in front of me, choosing the option for a simple 5 picture strip with no effects or borders. When he finally decided to join me, he sat on the tiny bench and I swiped my card.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Because it’s fun. Smile for me.” I instructed, pressing the ready button on the touch screen and sat back to pose. I held my smile for the photo, waiting for the flash. On the screen, our photo was previewed briefly, showing Joji staring straight ahead with a blank expression while I smiled like a dummy. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Dude, what is that?” I frowned at him and another flash caught that moment as the second picture. I looked at the preview of that one on the screen, noting the frown on my side profile and Joji’s questioning face looking back at me. He laughed at the photo, his eyes crinkling and his mouth slightly open, exposing his top row of teeth. That was the third photo that the booth took as another flash of light captured the moment. Him laughing at me while I looked at him in amusement.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Please cooperate with me!” I pleaded with a laugh as I lightly punched him in the arm. He grinned at me, whining a soft ‘ow’ and holding the arm I’d just hit. A flash captured us there as the fourth photo. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay fine.” He sat forward, back straight and leaning into me. Satisfied, I smiled at the camera and waited for the fifth and final flash. When it was over, we stood and exited the booth, waiting outside for the strip to print.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Want to get some food?” Joji asked, clearing his throat and looking behind us in the direction of the food court. I hadn't eaten dinner yet but I wasn’t hungry either. The look on his face seemed hopeful though so I agreed with a nod. The photo strip dropped into a clear box in front of us and I grabbed it, turning it over to see how the pictures came out. I studied each of them, taking special interest in the 4</span>
  <span>th</span>
  <span> photo of George grinning at me and me smiling back at him. Since when could I smile like </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span>? The 5</span>
  <span>th</span>
  <span> photo, however, had me wide eyed and shoving the strip in Joji’s hands.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” He looked at me bewildered, before looking down the pictures. His eyes hovered over each of them before getting to the last one. I watched a wicked grin break out on his face before quickly disappearing and being replaced with a look of faux sincerity.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought I had to sneeze, I’m sorry.” His tone and face betrayed his words. I glared at him, taking the strip back and gazing down at photo 5 again. I was smiling </span>
  <span>cheesily</span>
  <span> but beside me, Joji had pushed his head back, giving himself a double chin and rolled his eyes to the top of his head. He has the creepiest little smile and just the tip of his tongue poked out from between his teeth. He looked so ridiculous I couldn’t help the laugh that escaped me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>══════</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Joji and I were sitting at the small food court at a table for two that overlooked the claw machines. We’d agreed on Chinese food from one of the stalls and after a minor argument, I paid for our food. The court around us was filled with more people than I realized and when I looked down over the arcade, I noticed all of them for the first time tonight. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“So,” Joji’s voice broke called my attention back to him as he wrapped some lo-</span>
  <span>mein</span>
  <span> around his chopsticks and brought the noodles to his mouth. “Can I ask you something personal?” He looked up at me as he chewed. I brought my hand up under my chin and nodded. He hesitated for a bit. I thought maybe he was just trying to swallow his food before speaking but even after he stopped chewing, he still </span>
  <span>hadn't</span>
  <span> said anything.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What is it?” I asked, encouraging him to continue. He looked up from his noodles and pulled his mouth in a tight line.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I...er...I’m not trying to be a dick,” He started carefully. “But I was wondering what the deal with your boyfriend is? I’m just asking cause...that morning he was...” Joji looked like he was searching for the words to continue, maybe trying to choose the least offensive way to ask. A sinking, almost nauseating feeling settled in my stomach at the mention of Gavin. Half of it was because I know how he must’ve looked from an outside perspective, and I hated having to constantly try to explain to people that he wasn’t as bad as he seemed; the other half was because I realized I’d completely forgotten about Gavin. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh,” I cleared my throat in an effort to ease my discomfort. “Um...well he’s... he’s just got some anger issues you know? And that morning I’d woken him up early to come pick me up so he was grumpy. It was my fault, really.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The look on Joji’s face was a familiar one. It was the same look Niki had on her face at the lingerie store she took me to when I told her Gavin wouldn’t allow me to wear the sexy clothing to work. Pity? </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I shifted in my seat, refusing to look into his eyes again. I felt embarrassment at the look he was giving me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>Everything's</span>
  <span> fine, if that’s what </span>
  <span>you're</span>
  <span> asking.” I spoke again, looking down at my untouched chicken platter. Joji didn’t say anything for a minute and I was too ashamed to look him in the eyes, so I let the silence ride. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry. </span>
  <span>I'm</span>
  <span> not trying to get in your business, I just thought I’d ask.” He said lowly, dipping his chopsticks into his noodles again. I didn’t want to ruin the fun night, especially not the progress I’d made with him one on one. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I appreciate your concern.” I pulled myself together, gathering enough courage to look him in the eyes. I couldn't feel how I wanted to right now, not here, not in front of him. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Push it down.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Joji chewed slowly, observing me like he was searching for something in my eyes. I averted my gaze to his chopsticks instead, watching as he held them loosely in his right hand. His fingernails were too long, I noticed. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I should tell him to cut them down. </span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>By the grace of God, Ian and Max came up to our table, pulling up chairs and squeezing themselves in. Max wasted no time in grabbing a piece of my chicken and popping it in his mouth. Ian, on the other hand, sensed the tension. He looked from Joji to me, who’s eyes were still glued to Joji’s hand.  </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey guys, what's up?” Ian asked, directing the question more towards George. A half second of silence passed before he acknowledged his bespectacled friend.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey.” Joji greeted, ignoring Ian’s unspoken question of what was going on. Max continued picking at my chicken, which honestly was fine with me, so I pushed my tray towards him. Ian noticed and immediately smacked Max in the back of his head.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Ow, you fucking cunt! She gave it to me!” Max hissed, grabbing the back of his head in pain and glaring at Ian. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Give it back, dick. Go get your own.” Ian </span>
  <span>chastised the boy beside him. I frowned at their interaction and pushed the tray back to Max when he passed it back to me.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“No, please. I’m not hungry anyway.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Ian seemed displeased as Max continued digging in to the food on my plate, but I really didn’t mind. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Mm.” Joji tried to speak with his mouth full, putting down his chopsticks and wiping his hands on his pants. Ian and I turned our attention from Max to George, watching him dig in his front pocket and pulling out thick stacks of tickets and passing them over the table to Max. The longhaired boy lit up at the sight and quickly shoved them in his own pockets. For the next 15 minutes or so, the guys talked. Max finished off my sesame chicken platter, and I listened happily to the conversation, happy to have the spotlight off of me. Max and Ian were talking about videos, something about making fresh content and begging Joji to join them but he adamantly refused. His eyes met mine as soon as they’d brought it up before darting away quickly, back to Ian. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“We can’t leave it how we did.” Max argued before burping loudly. Joji looked annoyed, his eyes drooped in a bored expression and his mouth was pulled into a tight line. He finished about half of his noodles before taking to stirring them around the plate with one of his sticks. I suspected Ian and Max’s persistence about their videos had killed George’s appetite. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I already said I don’t want to do that again. Can we please stop talking about it?” George sighed, rubbing a hand down his cheek. I felt weird about listening to their conversation, especially since Joji seemed so uncomfortable by it, but they didn’t seem to mind my presence and had chosen to talk about it right in front of me. I looked over the rail on my right over to the claw machines where Niki had been previously but she was gone. I searched further back, hoping to find her somewhere amongst the games but the darkness of the room made it incredibly difficult.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, alright,” Ian responded, standing from his chair. “</span>
  <span>Well,</span>
  <span> we’re filming a skit at Chad’s next week, let me know if you change your mind.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Max followed Ian’s actions, standing from his chair and taking the empty tray along with him as they walked back downstairs. I turned my head back to George who had a small frown and look of disappointment etched on his features. I didn’t know if I should ask about what Ian and Max said or if I should just mind my business but the look on his face told me he didn’t want to talk about it, so I decided it was better not to. Instead, I continued the game we’d been playing earlier.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Which starter </span>
  <span>Pokémon</span>
  <span> would you choose?”</span>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Childish Games</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>At 9pm we had gathered 74,000 tickets between the 5 of us. Niki had spent her time collecting 20 new plushies for her bed so she had no tickets to contribute but she did offer Max a fat fluffy Kirby plushie that he happily accepted. Max didn’t seem upset about not hitting his ticket goal to get a PS4 but I think that’s because he knew how unrealistic a goal that was. Still, he kept all of the tickets and said he would be returning here regularly to work on earning enough for his goal prize.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>George and I walked the floor again, playing a couple more games and asking no more serious personal questions, only silly ones. I learned that </span>
  <span>he once owned a 1993 Dodge Stealth that he had to get rid of for personal and mechanical reasons. I told him that traveling the world was on my bucket list and he seemed really interested in that. He asked what countries I wanted to see first and I told him. One of them, of course, was Japan, so he offered to teach me some Japanese. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Koroshitekure, for starters, is a great way to make friends in Japan. Just say that to everyone you come in contact with.” He had said as he walked with me out to the parking lot. It was pitch black outside except for the light of the moon above and the parking lot lights every few feet. Our friends were ahead of us, laughing and talking amongst themselves.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What does it mean?” I asked, perplexed. He grinned at me, then stared straight ahead, pushing his hands into his pockets as he walked. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, it’s just like ‘</span>
  <span>I</span>
  <span> want to be your friend,’” He explained, coming to a halt as we reached Ian’s car and pulling the door open. “But in the most formal way possible.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I watched him climb in the middle seat and begin buckling himself in.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh okay, I'll remember that then, thanks!” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>We all piled back into the car, except for Chad who drove </span>
  <span>separately</span>
  <span>, and were driving back to my apartment when Max made a suggestion that had everyone looking at me.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey Olivia, why don’t you stay for a bit? We’re </span>
  <span>gonna</span>
  <span> play some games and veg out.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It was late and I knew Gavin would be upset if he found out I had chosen to go to the guy’s apartment instead of home...but...I wanted to. I wanted to continue hanging out with my friends as long as they wanted to hang out with me too.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay...I can for a bit.” I was sure my voice didn’t sound too positive and George must have picked up on it because his mouth pulled into a tight line again, as if he wanted to say something but was stopping himself. Max smiled cheekily at me, looking pleased, as well as Niki who cheered from the passenger seat.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What are we </span>
  <span>gonna</span>
  <span> play?” Niki asked us, stretching her legs up on the dash of Ian’s car and earning a swift shove from Ian himself.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Get your fucking hooker legs off my car!” He scolded. Niki glared at him as she folded her legs beneath her instead. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I have Monopoly.” Max offered, making Ian and Niki both groan in protested. He offered a couple more boardgames and some multiplayer video games but no one seemed interested. At one point he offered a game of Twister but was immediately shut down by Ian and George. Niki turned around from her seat, giving the 3 of us in the backseat a wicked smile.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Let’s play spin the bottle.” She grinned. Again, a collective groan of </span>
  <span>disapproval</span>
  <span> from the entire car sounded out.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“No, we’re not in fucking middle school.” Joji said.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, and it's not exactly fair, there's only 2 chicks and 4 guys, and Olivia has a boyfriend so that only leaves you.” Max grimaced at Niki in disgust. She looked appalled at his insult before glaring back and pulling her body over the center console. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, you’ll kiss each other but not me?” She sneered at Max. </span>
  <em>
    <span>What?</span>
  </em>
  <span> I quickly looked at Max and George’s faces who were just as taken aback as I was. Was she making a joke or referencing something that had actually happened? </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I-” Joji had no words and the look of victory on Niki’s face told me that this indeed was something that had happened. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Nah, that...that doesn’t </span>
  <span>fucking</span>
  <span> count and you know it. It was for a video, it’s not gay.” Max defended, tripping over his words. He looked into the rearview at Ian for help but Ian seemed just as dumbfounded as everyone else. Niki laughed, pulling herself back into her seat and looking over her shoulder at us again. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“It counts...and it’s definitely gay.” She puckered her lips at Max who’s face twisted in disgust. </span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>══════</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Niki’s long fingers twisted the beer bottle, sending it spinning on its side before she sat back down. We were all seated in a circle on the floor of the boys’ apartment and dreading what was about to happen. Absolutely no one wanted to play this childish game but Niki literally forced it on to us when she grabbed each person and roughly shoved them to the floor. We were each given a shot of tequila and a beer to help us get through it, though I didn’t touch mine. Chad was maybe the only person who didn’t mind, as he sat with a beer in hand and a couple of pizza grease stains on his shirt. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The bottle slowed to a crawl before landing on Ian and everyone’s head shot in his direction to see the look on his face. He looked like a kid that was being forced to clean his room, a whine already on his lips.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Please don’t fucking make me do this.” He begged as Niki crawled across the tiny circle to kiss him on the cheek before giving the other cheek a light slap. “Ow!”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t be a bitch, you don’t have to actually kiss if you don’t want to.” She scoffed at him as she sat back down to my right. Ian was directly across the circle from me, George to his right, then Max, then me. Niki was on my right, Chad on her right, and right back around to Ian. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Who the hell </span>
  <em>
    <span>wants</span>
  </em>
  <span> to kiss?” Max argued. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Shut up and spin the bottle!” Niki yelled at Ian who rolled his eyes and took a long swig from his beer before obeying her command. With a twist of his fingers, the empty brown bottle began spinning quickly again. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>All eyes were on the bottle, probably everyone wishing it wouldn’t land on them but </span>
  <span>unfortunately</span>
  <span>, it did eventually slow and come to a complete stop.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>In front of Chad. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck.” Ian groaned before leaning to his left to give Chad a kiss on the cheek. The bearded man laughed, especially when Ian pulled back began spitting and wiping his mouth with his shirt. Chad leaned in to the circle and spun the bottle as weakly as he could. The bottle made only 1 full spin before stopping in front of Niki.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes!”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What the fuck? That wasn’t a full spin, do it again.” Niki complained, reaching for the bottle to spin it again but she was promptly stopped by all of us as Joji snatched the bottle from her reach and me, Ian, and Max protested.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Nope, </span>
  <span>thems</span>
  <span> the rules.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You said you don’t have to kiss, just do it.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Don't be a cunt.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Niki huffed in annoyance before turning to Chad on her right and offering him her cheek. Chad smiled like a man who’d just won the lottery, putting his beer down and wrapping his arms around Niki’s waist. He pulled her closer to him and </span>
  <span>planted</span>
  <span> a long kiss on her cheek. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, alright!” She pushed herself away and grabbed ahold of the bottle of tequila, pouring herself another shot and downing it quickly. We were all enjoying Niki’s discomfort. I was laughing along with everyone at what we’d just witnessed but the smile quickly vanished when the bottle Niki spun pointed dead straight at me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The boys all looked up with shocked and excited faces. Niki’s however, didn’t look too interested at all.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, it landed on me, guess you </span>
  <span>gotta</span>
  <span> spin again.” I shrugged, but was cut off by Niki who took a hold of my shoulders and turned me to face her. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“No, you’re fine with this right? Your boyfriend </span>
  <span>won't</span>
  <span> care.” She asked seriously. The boys in the corner of my eyes were jostling like racehorses eager to get out of the gate. Niki rolled her eyes at them. I honestly didn’t know what Gavin would think of this, I had no answer... so I shrugged. Niki took that as consent, I think, so she leaned forward with her lips pouted at me. At first, I thought she’d kiss me on the cheek like everyone had been doing so far, but the closer she got to me, I realized I was wrong. Was I okay with this? Niki’s eyes never closed as she leaned in, she was watching me for signs of refusal. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Just do it.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I closed the gap between us, puckering my lips as well and meeting Niki’s with light pressure. Her lips were very soft, I noted. I’d never kissed a girl before, in fact, I’d never kissed anyone besides Gavin, and his lips didn’t feel as soft or </span>
  <span>pillowy</span>
  <span> as Niki’s. The kiss only lasted a second before we both pulled back and immediately broke out into laughter. Niki clung to my arms to steady herself and I almost fell over with her weight. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Jesus Christ, I got a half chub.” Chad commented. Ian cleared his throat and pushed his glasses further up his nose. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You were right, Nik, this was a good idea.” Max nodded. They all watched us as we composed ourselves and wiped our mouths. I hadn't touched my beer or my shot yet, I never really liked drinking especially when people around me were drunk, but I felt comfortable. I felt like among friends, having a good time, maybe it was okay. I picked up the beer that Niki had pre-opened for me and took a small sip from it. It took everything in me not to immediately spit it back in the bottle. With a grimace and the distaste of beer on my tongue, I spun the bottle next. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The first time it landed back on me so I spun for a second time. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The bottle spun, passing Ian, Joji, Max, myself, Niki, Chad, Ian again, and slowing to a stop in front of Joji. I felt the heat rise to my face immediately and desperately wished it would move away before anyone noticed. George also looked shocked and then nervous.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you sure </span>
  <span>thi</span>
  <span>-?” He asked, looking at Ian who looked back at him just as unsure. Niki immediately bounced up from her spot beside me to answer him.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, it’s totally fine! Just go.” She urged, pushing on my lower back in encouragement. I wasn’t really thinking like I should have been. I should have been analyzing everything that was happening and how it would affect me later like I always do...but I didn’t. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I listened to Niki and climbed into the circle, stopping on my knees in front of Joji. He looked down at me from his slight height advantage with an unsure look on his face. He was worried for me? I couldn’t be positive what caused the look on his face, I only knew that he’d brought up his concern to me tonight. I knew that he was concerned for me in general, like a good friend. I looked over my shoulder at Niki, questioning if this really was a good idea.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Go on.” Niki spurred, taking a swig of her beer. Her eyes were locked on us, everyone's were. I look back to Joji. What was I so afraid of? It’s just a dumb game with my friends. It’s not like anyone was even going to tell Gavin. For the second time tonight, I decided to just do it.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I leaned up on my knees to meet Joji’s face and leaned in close to him. The first thing I noticed was his scent. I’d never had my face so close to his before so I never noticed how good he smelled. Like Old Spice and fresh laundry. My lips aimed for his stubbled cheek, except...and here's the problem...one of us moved. I just don’t know who. My head was too consumed with nervous energy and adrenaline to be able to tell me what happened. My lips ended up being too far right. I was kissing the corner of his mouth, just the smallest part of the corner of his mouth was touching mine. My eyes flew open, as did his.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The whole incident only lasted a few seconds, much like it did with Niki except I retained a lot more detail from this than I did with Niki’s kiss. Joji and I didn’t immediately pull away. His body was close enough to mine that I could feel his warmth on the front of my body and his chest brushing lightly against mine. I also felt my heartbeat immediately kick into overdrive and the heat that had been in my face earlier had now spread to every inch of my body. I felt the corner of Joji’s mouth twitch under my lips, and that was it. I pulled away and quickly took my seat across the circle. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Max was laughing and mocking Joji, Niki and Ian were quiet, and Chad was adjusting his pants.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Remember that half chub?” He joked. I felt Niki’s hand touch mine lightly so I looked up at her. She had the gentlest look in her eyes, like the way someone would look at a newborn baby, but she said nothing. She only smiled lightly at me and moved her hand from mine to offered me the tequila shot once again.</span>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Medicine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>My phone buzzed under my pillow, startling me from my sleep. My head raised slowly, looking around my empty bedroom. Sunlight came streaming in through the windows in sporadic rays. I groaned, pushing my frizzy hair out of my face and rolling onto my back. Two hands overhead provided me with a satisfying stretch of my muscles. I yawned and blinked as I stared at the white ceiling above my head before my phone buzzed again. I reached for my phone under my head, fishing it out and looking at the screen. 2 texts from an unknown number. Curious, I unlocked my phone and opened the messages.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <b>
    <span>Unknown:</span>
  </b>
  <span> Hey its George</span>
  
</p><p>
  <b>
    <span>Unknown</span>
  </b>
  <span>:</span>
  <span> I hope </span>
  <span>its</span>
  <span> ok that Niki gave me your number</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I stared at my phone for minute, blinking the sleep away as I processed the messages. George... Joji? Oh. My eyebrows rose in surprise as my tired brain finally caught up and began typing a response.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <b>
    <span>O: </span>
  </b>
  <span>Yeah thats okay, hi</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I yawned again, pulling the light blue comforter up to my chin and savoring the warmth of the bed. My phone buzzed again. </span>
  <em>
    <span>That was quick</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <b>
    <span>Unknown</span>
  </b>
  <b>
    <span>:</span>
  </b>
  <span> I just wanted to say sorry about yesterday. It was </span>
  <span>kinda</span>
  <span> weird and </span>
  <span>im</span>
  <span> sorry if I made you uncomfortable</span>
  
</p><p>
  <b>
    <span>O</span>
  </b>
  <span>: </span>
  <span>No</span>
  <span> it was my fault. I missed ur cheek and made it weird, </span>
  <span>im</span>
  <span> sorry</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The memories of last night came back, flooding me with embarrassment. I fully blamed Niki for everything that happened, even though there was a decent chance she wouldn’t even remember. After the uh...thing that happened with George, we all continued playing for a while, giving and receiving kisses on the cheeks or hugs. Chad had offered to give a </span>
  <span>handjob</span>
  <span> to Max but that, of course, did not come to fruition. George and I never landed on each other again for the night which was honestly a huge relief. I don’t have an </span>
  <span>explanation</span>
  <span> for the thoughts I had that night. Why I could remember how he smelled or the heat of his body or the feel of his skin on my lips. I’d kissed a couple other people on the cheeks last night but I couldn’t describe in great detail what that was like, only the exchange with Joji. I chalked it up to mild infatuation at the extra male attention I’d been receiving lately and left it at that. It was nothing more and nothing less. The buzz of my phone pulled me back to reality.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <b>
    <span>Unknown: </span>
  </b>
  <span>Yeah you made it super fuckin weird, </span>
  <span>you're</span>
  <span> right</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I snorted a laugh at his reply. I turned to my side, pulling a long pillow up to my chest and rested my head on it as I typed up a response to him.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <b>
    <span>O: </span>
  </b>
  <span>Lol you’re a jerk. Still friends?</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I smiled at my screen after pressing send, just watching as my text went from ‘delivered’ to ‘read’ and then the 3 little gray dots appeared in the corner indicating he was writing something. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <b>
    <span>Unknown: </span>
  </b>
  <span>Of course </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I dropped my phone on the pillow, raising an arm in the air in a stretch and </span>
  <span>contemplating</span>
  <span> if I wanted to get out of bed today or not when my phone buzzed again, deciding my fate for me.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <b>
    <span>Unknown: </span>
  </b>
  <span>Wanna</span>
  <span> hang out today? Ian and Max are making out in the </span>
  <span>living room</span>
  <span> and I </span>
  <span>dont</span>
  <span> like it</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I grinned as I sat up in bed and typed again only to be interrupted by my bedroom door swinging open and startling me, almost making me drop my phone. Gavin was standing in the doorway with a bowl of cereal and a spoon in his mouth.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>Oh,</span>
  <span> good you’re up. I’m out of clean underwear and bud lights. Think you can do some laundry and go shopping today?” He asked, dipping his spoon into the bowl and bringing a spoonful of cereal back up to his mouth. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Why can't you do the laundry?” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He rolled his eyes at me as he dropped his spoon back in the bowl and turned to leave.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know how. Can you do it?” He sighed, taking another step out of the door and pulling it closed with him.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait!” I called, halting him before he fully shut the door. “Can I borrow the car then? I wanted to go to my friend’s place today anyway. I can hit the store on the way back.” I hoped he’d comply so I wouldn’t need to constantly ask my friends to pick me up, it was getting embarrassing. Gavin raised a brow at me, taking a step back into the room. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What friend?” He was skeptical, I knew. I’d told him about my male coworkers but didn’t mention that I also considered them friends or that I’d already been to their apartment every week since the first game night. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Niki,” I breathed, looking him the eye and trying to maintain my composure. “Who else?” Oh, there it was again, the guilt that swelled inside me. His eyes pierced mine for a good minute or so before frowning.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to work in a couple of hours so no, sorry. Take the bus, it’s fine.” And with that, Gavin left the room, closing the door behind him. It wasn’t the first time he’d denied my request to use the car, even though I pay for the insurance and half of </span>
  <span>the</span>
  <span> car payments. It was annoying but nothing new. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>My phone buzzed in my hands, reminding me that I never texted Joji back. I looked at his text and laughed out loud.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <b>
    <span>Unknown: </span>
  </b>
  <span>please bring a mop, </span>
  <span>theres</span>
  <span> so much shit and blood on the floor</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>══════</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>An hour later, at 1, Joji pulled up to the curb where I was waiting on a bus bench for him. The sun was out today, high in the sky and surrounded by a blue ocean. I enjoyed the feeling of the heat on my skin – mostly because I didn’t get nearly as much vitamin D as I should have and it showed. I needed to lay out soon, I mentally noted. In the meantime, I wore a white tank top and a flowy pink skirt in an effort to expose more of my skin and hopefully get more color. I swear.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The passenger window rolled down, revealing Joji’s face smiling gently at me. I returned his smile, standing and walking up to the car. As soon as I sat down, I pushed my bag onto the floor between my feet and buckled my seatbelt. I adjusted my skirt that had ridden up my thigh, pulling the lacy pink fabric down mid-thigh.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks for picking me up.” I smiled </span>
  <span>apologetically, folding my hands on my lap and intertwining my fingers. Joji looked over his left shoulder, checking his blind spot, before pulling away from the curb and driving down the street.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s no problem. Thanks for coming,” He glanced at me quickly before looking back at the road. “Are you hungry?” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I shrugged, looking at him even though his eyes were focused on the road. “I </span>
  <span>haven't</span>
  <span> eaten yet...</span>
  <span>I</span>
  <span> guess I’m a little hungry.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, do you want breakfast? Or lunch since </span>
  <span>it's</span>
  <span> after </span>
  <span>noon...?</span>
  <span>” His eyes met mine again for a brief moment before he looked away. Sunlight met his face, making him squint and pull the visor down to block it. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Whatever you want, I don’t mind.” I told him, fidgeting with my thumbs as I looked out the windshield at the cars in front of us. He seemed displeased with my answer as his mouth pulled into a crooked frown but he didn’t argue.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, I got it.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>══════</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>When we pulled into a parking spot of a Waffle House, George unbuckled his seatbelt and grinned at me while he pulled the key from the ignition. “Ready?” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I nodded, unbuckling my belt as well and pulling my bag that was on the floor in front of me, over my shoulder. I met Joji in front of the car and followed him into the diner. I was immediately hit with the sweet scent of waffles, which made my stomach ache. I’d never been to a Waffle House before but I’d seen them in movies and heard about them through their reputation. I knew that they were known for staying open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and being the establishment of choice to people who were too drunk to function. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Joji led me to a tiny table near the window on the left that had only 2 chairs opposite each other, much like the table we shared at the arcade the night before. We sat down and immediately noticed the table was covered in crumbs but Joji brushed them off with his hand before taking his own seat.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe we should let them clean this one?” I asked, looking behind me where the employees were behind a bar top. Joji laughed, pulling his chair closer to the table and leaning back.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“They don’t clean the tables unless </span>
  <span>you're</span>
  <span> lucky. </span>
  <span>Haven't</span>
  <span> you been here before?” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I turned back around, taking in his words before replying.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“No. What do you mean they don’t clean the tables?” I asked, pulling my hands away from the surface in disgust, which made him laugh again. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s a joke, relax. </span>
  <span>Of course</span>
  <span> they clean them, but every time I come the tables are always covered in something. It’s part of the charm.” He grinned at me, tapping a couple fingers of his outstretched left hand on the table. I gave him an unsure smile just a waitress stopped beside us and placed a couple of large laminated menus in front of us.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What can I get </span>
  <span>ya’ll</span>
  <span> to drink?” She asked, holding her notepad and pen at the ready. Joji motioned for me to go first.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, um...” I searched quickly for the drinks on the menu and ordered the first drink I saw. “Coffee please.” The waitress nodded, writing on her pad before turning slightly to George. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll have the same.” He said. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you ready to order or do you need a minute?” She asked, writing on her notepad again before looking at the both of us. Joji looked at me in question. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, I need a minute, I think.” I told her softly. The waitress nodded before heading back to the kitchen, leaving us alone again.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry.” I told him, looking back down at the menu now that the waitress was gone so that I could take my time deciding what I want. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t be sorry.” Joji dismissed, leaning forward and folding his arms on the table as he looked down at his own menu. I watched him while he was distracted. He was wearing all black today. A black t-shirt that had a drawing of a broken heart on the pocket, black track joggers and those same black shoes he always wore. His messy onyx hair shone everywhere the sun touched it. It was long and looked like the wind had hit him from his left side because all of his hair was swept to the right. He needed a haircut, that much was obvious, but I liked the shaggy haired look on him. I liked how the hair curled around his ears and how his eyebrows disappeared beneath his bangs sometimes. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I think I’m just </span>
  <span>gonna</span>
  <span> go with steak and eggs. What about you?” He asked, breaking me from my thoughts and catching me staring straight at him. He smiled, pulling his mouth up to flash a little of his </span>
  <span>teeth</span>
  <span>. “</span>
  <span>Whatcha</span>
  <span> looking at?”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Embarrassment rose on que, burning my face and forcing me to look back down at my menu. I stared, unseeing, at the menu and pointed at the first picture of food I saw. Grilled cheese. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay sounds good.” He said, placing his menu neatly in front of him for the waitress to take when she returned and I did the same. He folded hands together like I had earlier, in the car, and cleared his throat. “So, what do you want to do? I honestly didn’t have a plan or anything when I asked you to hang out so any ideas?” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I pulled myself together, deciding to pretend I </span>
  <span>hadn't</span>
  <span> just embarrassed myself a second before, and </span>
  <span>answered</span>
  <span> him.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>I</span>
  <span> have no ideas, </span>
  <span>I'm</span>
  <span> sorry. I may need to stop at gas station or something before I go back home though.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay. I need more cigs anyway.” He replied, unclasping his hands and picking up our menus for the waitress as she placed our coffees in front of us. Joji handed her the menus and she took them, </span>
  <span>placing</span>
  <span> them under her arm to free her hands for her pen and pad. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Know what you want?” She asked us. Once again, Joji gestured for me to go first. I’ll admit that it was only strange to me because no one had ever let me order first before, not like it was a big deal or anything...but it was nice. Thoughtful.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I have a grilled cheese?” The words sounded childish as they left my mouth.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Sides?” She asked sounding impatient. I </span>
  <span>hadn't</span>
  <span> thought to look at the sides very closely but I remembered eggs, </span>
  <span>hash browns, and toast</span>
  <span> being in the </span>
  <span>pictures</span>
  <span> next to the waffles. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Eggs? Sunnyside, please.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The waitress took my order before turning slightly to George, who ordered his steak and eggs with a side of toast. When the waitress left, Joji’s phone buzzed in his pocket.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry.” He mumbled as he pulled the phone from his jean pocket to check the text. I tried to give him some privacy so I took to sugaring my coffee, ripping open the little pink packets of sugar that sat on the table and dumped them into the cup. I heard the clicking from his phone, indicating he was texting back as I dumped my 3</span>
  <span>rd</span>
  <span> sugar packet in. Unfortunately, I had nothing to stir my coffee with so after I was satisfied with the amount of sugar I used, I </span>
  <span>kind of</span>
  <span> just sat there.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Joji pocketed his phone, redirecting his attention back to me. We both heard the buzzing of his phone in his pocket when it went off again...and again...and then again. I chose not to say anything about it, though. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“So...” I played with one of the empty sugar packets in my fingers mindlessly. “Tell me about Japan.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What about it?” He asked, watching me toy with the sugar packets. I stopped when I looked up slightly and noticed his coffee cup had a spoon in it. Quickly, I reached over to pluck it out of his cup and dunk into mine so I could stir the sugar that had surely all sunk to the bottom by now. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know... anything.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>A wicked smile spread across his for a small moment before </span>
  <span>disappearing</span>
  <span> just as </span>
  <span>quickly</span>
  <span> as it </span>
  <span>appeared</span>
  <span>.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“So Soapland-”</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>══════</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>By the time our food arrived, I had no appetite. George was in </span>
  <span>hysterics</span>
  <span> though, so that was good. After hearing about Japanese game shows where the goal is to </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  
  <em>
    <span>accidentally</span>
  </em>
  <span> have sex with your daughter. Piss Alley in Tokyo, a vending machine for used panties, and one particularly gnarly capsule hotel horror story, I was already reconsidering my hopes of visiting Japan someday.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Joji watched me, amused, as he shoved an egg in his mouth.</span>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Dazed and Confused</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Joji bullied me in front of the entire diner when it came time to pay the check. It was literally nothing, like 20 bucks, but he wouldn’t budge. He paid for our meal, fine, but I tipped the waitress with my own cash before we left.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>When we pulled up to the curb of his apartment, I followed him upstairs and waited patiently while he unlocked the door. Hip hop music could be heard from the other side; not incredibly loud but just loud enough to hear from the hall. Joji pushed the door open, stepping inside and holding it open for me. A foul odor emitted from the apartment as I entered and dropped my bag on the kitchen counter. George closed the door, taking his shoes off and leaving them at the entryway before walking down the small hallway toward the living room.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, look who it is.” Ian’s voice called out to his friend before breaking out into a coughing fit. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What </span>
  <span>ya</span>
  <span> been up to, Georgie?” Chad’s voice added. I left my shoes at the door as well, out of courtesy, and walked down the hall where Joji had disappeared. Chad was sitting shirtless on the large L-shaped couch, holding something white between both hands. His fingers were rolling the object over while he licked the paper like an envelope. Ian and Max were both slumped on the couch as well, sprawled out lazily. Max had his hands in a party sized bag of Cheetos while Ian had a glass bong in between his thighs that was emitting wisps of smoke. Despite the beautiful sunny day outside, the blinds were closed in the living room, allowing little to no light in, with the exception of the television and a lava lamp next to Chad.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Only Ian and Max were looking at George; Chad had his eyes focused on whatever it was he was doing.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Shut up.” Joji sighed at them before he looked back in my direction and gestured at the couch. I nodded and moved from where I was standing.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“How did it go--oh,” Max’s red rimmed eyes met mine in surprise. “Hi Olivia.” His greeting pulled the eyes of the two others who looked up at me with eyes just as red as his. I waved politely in greeting. Joji sat on Ian’s left side, making himself comfortable by propping his feet up on the coffee table that was littered with trash and dirty dishes. I sat next to Joji, trying not to focus too much on the fuzzy green mound that was growing inside of a clear glass on the table in front of me.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Ian sat forward with his elbows on his knees, grabbing a </span>
  <span>Ziplock</span>
  <span> baggy from the coffee table and passing it to </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span>.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Smell this shit.” He said, flipping a little blue lighter in the air and catching it again. George took the baggy from Ian, opening it and hovering his nose just above the opening. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh shit. How much was this?” </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span> asked, picking a small bud out of the baggy, squeezing and inspecting it closely. The scent wafted over to me, making my nose scrunch. It was putrid, like skunk spray. Not being all too interested in drug talk, I chose to focus my attention on the </span>
  <span>tv</span>
  <span> instead. Family Guy was on but the volume was so low I could barely hear it, not like I could anyway with the music that had been playing in the room. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Liv?” Ian asked. I looked back at him and </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span> and saw that Ian was offering me the large glass bong he’d been holding a minute ago. George was carefully packing the marijuana into a circular canister, paying no attention to us. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, no thank you.” I declined, waving my hands in front of me. Ian pulled the bong back just as Max spoke up beside him. The entire front of Max’s shirt was covered in orange dust, as were his fingers.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Idiot, give her a joint. She can't rip a bong.” Max chastised Ian as he shoved another orange chip in his mouth and turned back to the tv. Ian nodded in agreement, leaning over to smack Chad on the knee. Chad looked up from the magazine in his lap that was scattered with crumbs, or maybe it was marijuana, I had no idea. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hand me one of those jays.” Ian urged, holding his hand out. Chad complied, dropping a white cigarette looking object in Ian’s hand which he offered me. Joji looked up then, noticing the joint in Ian’s outstretched fingers and possibly the scared look on my face. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have to if you don’t want to.” Joji said. I’d only ever smoked a single cigarette out of curiosity in high school and my only experience with weed were those brownies; I had tried the substances and decided they weren't for me. Sitting here now, however, surrounded by my friends and having no one to get upset at me for my choices, tempted me. I didn’t want to take it to look cool and I didn’t want to take it out of peer pressure.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Um,” I kept my eyes locked on the rolled joint in Ian’s fingers while I spoke. “I’ve never...” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Ian didn’t seem surprised by my admission since his face didn’t move a single muscle. </span>
  <span>Instead,</span>
  <span> he pulled the weed back and picked up the blue lighter on his lap. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s easy,” Ian mumbled as he popped the joint in his mouth and spoke around it. He brought his hand up and shielded the flame while the tip furthest from his mouth ignited. “Inhale twice. The first one you </span>
  <span>wanna</span>
  <span> keep in the smoke in your mouth for a second. The second one, inhale deeply with your chest and pull the smoke into your lungs. Got it?” He blew smoke out of his mouth, up into the air and away from anyone, then offered me the roll. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I took it hesitantly with just the tips of my index finger and thumb. The tip turned black and ashy as the paper burnt. The smell of it up close was still bad; I couldn’t imagine what about the smell of the thing in my hand was </span>
  <em>
    <span>good. </span>
  </em>
  <span>I held it up a little higher, observing the spot that Ian had in his mouth. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Would his spit be on this thing? </span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Suddenly the joint was pulled from my fingers when </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span> snatched it from me and brought it to his own mouth. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have to smoke it but don’t waste it.” He muttered before taking a deep drag and a pause before letting the smoke seep out from his nostrils. He lifted the baggy and canister off of his lap and placed them on the coffee table before pulling his legs up on the couch. “Here, like I just did.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>George pulled the joint from between his lips and handed it to me. I took it between my fingers again, just staring at it as smoke swirled around it from </span>
  <span>Joji’s</span>
  <span> exhale. Uncertainly, I brought the offending object to my mouth and closed my lips around it. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Suck the smoke into your mouth,” Joji instructed, watching me intently. I followed his instructions, sucking on the roll and feeling my mouth fill with a nasty taste. “Now take a deep breath.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I did as I was told, taking a deep breath that drew the smoke into my lungs. Immediately feeling a hot burn in my throat and lungs caused the overwhelming need to cough. I tried to cover my mouth while I sputtered and coughed smoke out for a good 5 minutes. My throat burned, my eyes watered, and my mouth tasted horrible, but I received praise in the form of a few rasps to the back. Joji took the joint from me and handed me a bottle of water while I choked and struggled to catch my breath. I took the bottle from his hands eagerly, tears pooling in my eyes as I chugged the water down and tried not to choke again. When the bottle was empty, I frowned in disgust and disappointment at Joji, who was laughing at me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You did it, good job.” He said, taking another puff and passing it on to Ian. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“But I didn’t, I coughed it all out.” I whimpered, wiping at the stray tears in my eyes. The taste in my mouth was so awful, all I wanted to do was brush my teeth. George smiled lightly at my words before standing from his spot and stepping around me.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Well of course, what else were you supposed to do with it?” He asked as he walked down the hall toward the kitchen. I frowned at his words. It felt like I hadn't done it right but whatever, I tried. When Joji returned he had two bottles of water and handed me one. “Here's another, for the cotton mouth.” He took his spot on the couch again, cracking open his water and taking a hard swig.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ll see.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>══════</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I was given one more hit of the joint before being told I shouldn’t consume any more than that since it was technically my first time. I wasn’t great at keeping time, but I want to say around 15 minutes after taking the first inhale, I began feeling tingly and lightheaded. I kept it to myself at first, not thinking much of it, but when I asked Max about portals, they all looked at me with mixed emotions. Max was confused, asking me what the hell I was talking about and when I started talking about a portal opening up in the middle of Brooklyn, they knew something was up. Ian looked concerned, Chad laughed out loud, and Joji had a curious but amused look on his face.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean, just think about it. What if a portal opened right here, right now? What happens to us? Where do we go?” I mused aloud. Suddenly, every thought I had felt deep and meaningful, as if my processing ability was somehow clearer and yet... foggy at the same time. Why had I never considered this before?</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry...I-I everything's in slow motion.” I whispered, feeling my head swim. </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span> looked at Ian, who was watching me carefully. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I think we should order some food.” George said, taking his phone out from his pocket. Ian nodded in agreement before leaning toward me. I watched everything move frame by frame, so slowly that I thought the conversation we were currently engaging in happened hours ago. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey Liv, you’re feeling a deep high right now okay? Just relax and ride it out. You’re safe here. If you start feeling bad, tell me and I’ll grab you some coffee or a bucket or something okay?” Ian patted my hand gently. I heard his words, I understood them, but it didn’t take away from the slightly scary feeling of not being in control. The only thing that floated through my cloudy head was the feel of his hand on top of mine. I leaned forward, taking his hand after he pulled it back. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh...” Ian seemed uncomfortable when I took his hand in mine and turned it over to stroke his palm with my own. What I hadn't realized was that I’d also inadvertently leaned across </span>
  <span>Joji’s</span>
  <span> lap to reach Ian. I couldn’t see his face, I just kept focusing on how soft Ian’s hands were.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Your hands are so soft.” I commented, pressing my cheek into his open palm then and closing my eyes.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I think you gave her too much.” Max laughed.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Did you get that laced shit again?” Chad asked, picking up the crumbs he’d been working on and inspecting them closely. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck no, I buy from Rei now.” Ian huffed, offended by Chad’s question.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Ian let me rub my cheek on his palm for I don’t know how long, but he was really nice about it. Meanwhile, I think Joji eventually got comfortable with me on his lap as I felt him settle his arms on my back to text on his phone.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you like to eat, O?” Joji asked gently from above me. I smiled into Ian’s palm and shook my head. Anything sounded amazing. “Chinese it is.” He sighed, resting his forearms on my back again.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh! Get me some of them crab </span>
  <span>rangoon</span>
  <span> thingies will </span>
  <span>ya</span>
  <span>?” Chad piped in. </span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>══════</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I wasn’t positive how long I’d been staring at the coffee table just </span>
  <span>staring</span>
  <span> and rubbing my face against Ian’s palm. I asked</span>
  
  <span>questions out loud, like “how long does food take to digest?” and “do you ever think maybe Waldo just doesn’t want to be found?” </span>
  <span>While they laughed and asked me </span>
  <span>over and over if I’m feeling okay. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>There were no visual hallucinations; I just said the first that came to mind and it was mostly stuff that didn’t make sense. I was so relaxed, more relaxed than I think I’d ever been in my life. I sunk into George’s lap, making myself comfortable enough to nearly fall asleep. No one seemed to mind; the mood in the apartment was completely relaxed. Ian seemed to grow comfortable with my petting while he watched TV and talked to the others.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Whenever it was that the food came, Joji had to carefully pull himself out from underneath me and I missed the warmth so I climbed into his spot on the couch, letting go of Ian’s hand. The warmth from the spot he’d just been sitting soothed me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Minutes later, Joji returned with a white plastic bag stuffed full of square, white boxes. He set the bag down on the table, ripping open the bag pulling the boxes out. Chad sat up eagerly, grabbing the only plastic box that had the crab </span>
  <span>rangoon</span>
  <span> in it. Joji sat down beside me and offered me a box of takeout.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t know what you liked so there's a little bit of everything here. Do you want some beef and broccoli?” He was speaking to me so gently, so much calmer and understanding than I’d ever been spoken to besides Ian just now. </span>
  <span>His voice was an anchor </span>
  <span>for me as I floated helplessly through space. </span>
  <span>I took a deep breathe, feeling calmer</span>
  
  <span>and letting my body relax.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I like your voice, Joji.” I whispered so quietly it may have been only an incoherent exhalation of breath. I don’t think anyone else noticed though. Chad was eating, Max was smoking from the bong, and Ian was scrolling through his phone. I watched Joji’s eyes widen in surprise and his ears turn just the subtlest shade of red before he looked away. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You should eat.” He told me, pulling more containers from the bag and opening them to reveal their contents. “Are you thirsty?” He asked. I nodded; my mouth was so dry that I could hear a quiet click each time I spoke. I looked around for the water bottle he’d handed me earlier, but he found it discarded first and handed it to me, along with a fork and the container of beef and broccoli. I’d zoned out, staring at the food for too long </span>
  <span>apparently</span>
  <span>, because Joji shook my shoulder and dipped his head to see my face.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Olivia?” He called. I looked up at him. He was so close I could see every detail of his face. His heavily lidded, warm, chocolatey eyes framed by black eyelashes. The puffy bags under his eyes never left, some days they looked better than others but I liked them as they were. He raised a single thick eyebrow at me as more words left his mouth. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” My head spun hard and I felt tingly all over. </span>
  <span>It felt like his words passed hours ago. </span>
  <em>
    <span>How long had I been in this conversation?</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay?” His question seemed urgent so I nodded quickly in the hopes of calming his fears. I cracked open the container in my lap, reminding myself to move normally and take deep breaths. Despite having eaten Chinese food many times before, that first bite of food was unlike any other. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh my god.” I closed my eyes</span>
  
  <span>while I chewed </span>
  <span>on a</span>
  <span> juicy </span>
  <span>beef </span>
  <span>strip</span>
  <span>, savoring the </span>
  <span>salty flavor. </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span> sputtered a laugh beside me, his cheeks full of food as well. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>When the container was 3 quarters of the way gone, I’d finally decided I’d had enough. The food was extraordinarily delicious and by far the best Chinese food I’d ever had in my life. Whether being slightly baked had anything to do with that, I wasn’t sure. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I left the nearly empty food container in front of me on the coffee table and sat back on the couch. The high I was riding had lessened in intensity just a bit, and now I was just going with the flow. The good food in my stomach and pleasing music in the room lulled me into a state of relaxation I’d never reached before. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Feeling better?” George asked beside me, stabbing at his food before lifting it to his mouth. I looked over at him, focusing my eyes on his face before my eyes drifted to his shirt. “The food will sober you up a b—hey um, what are you doing?” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I put a single hand on his shoulder, feeling the fabric. There was something about the texture or color or something that was speaking to me.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s </span>
  <span>vibing</span>
  <span>, leave her alone.” Max huffed, earning a glare from </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span>. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I couldn’t quite figure out the fabric of his shirt, so without warning or permission, I reached around his neck to pull the tag out and rested my chin on his shoulder while I read it. His body stiffened, I noticed, but he didn’t say or do anything. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“50% cotton, 50% polyester.” I announced for absolutely no reason. I didn’t bother to even back off and give him some personal space, instead I chose him as my new object to hyper focus on and began stroking the fabric of his shirt against his back. My body settle against his in a weird almost hug. I closed my eyes and smiled happily, blissfully unaware that I looked like a maniac. The scent of him didn’t dissuade me, I'll admit. He smelled clean, like fresh laundry and men’s deodorant. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, thanks.” Joji chuckled. His body vibrated with his laugh; I could feel it under my hands. I continued to run my left hand softly up and down Joji’s back while he ate, paying me no mind. The boys were talking about something that I felt little need to pay attention to, so I stayed focused on the soft fabric of George’s shirt instead. The warmth emitting from his body made me feel sleepy, and I yawned. I pulled my legs up onto the couch, not realizing that I’d pulled them up onto Joji’s lap and my skirt had risen up my thighs with the movement.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Christ!”  </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span> cursed, quickly pulling the fabric back down to cover me before I exposed myself any more than I already had. “Ian, toss me that blanket behind you.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>His hand that pulled my skirt down was still touching my thigh, his warm knuckles making contact with my skin and causing goosebumps rise.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>My chin left his shoulder as my head slid down his chest and my arms wrapped around his torso. I was cradled in his lap like a baby and If I had been thinking clearly, I would be red as a tomato at the nature of my actions. For now, though, I couldn’t care less. I was warm and full and in a state of mind that forgot to include my ability to care about my embarrassing behavior. I felt a light weight on top of me as Joji covered my body with a soft blanket. It was surprising that he was even allowing me to do what I was doing, but I chalked it up to him being a good friend, taking care of me even though he didn’t have to. Max was laughing from the other end of the couch, but his voice sounded like it was underwater. Ian was saying something I couldn’t hear, followed by Chad. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Shut up.” </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span> hissed at someone. One of his hands wrapped around my back, keeping me from falling while he leaned forward to grab something from the table in front of him. I felt sleepy, like I could take a nap easily right there, but too many other senses filled my head to allow that to happen. The warmth I felt inside and out, the soft fabrics, </span>
  <span>Joji’s</span>
  <span> scent, the comfort of being held...</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Every sensation comforted me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I let out a content sigh and let my body continue to tingle and swing me, even though I wasn’t actually moving. It felt like I was on a boat that was rocking gently on the waves. Back and forth, my head swayed and the room stretched. The only stability I had was Joji’s torso that was clutched between both of my arms. A couple minutes later I felt him lean back on the couch, and a light tap on the shoulder.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Still doing good?” He asked me. His movement had shifted us, pushing his thigh into my rib. I adjusted, letting my body wiggle down his so that I lie between his legs instead of on top of him and my head could rest on his chest. It was much more comfortable and I thoroughly enjoyed the new sound of his heartbeat in my ear.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Everything's moving...like a boat.” I mumbled back, closing my eyes as to not watch the room sway and make me dizzy. He adjusted the blanket on top of me to compensate for my change in position, flinging it over my legs and waist. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you feel sick?” I could feel the warmth of his breath on my face as he looked down at me. I shook my head no and continued lying there for I don’t know how long until I was brought back to reality once again. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>My eyes flickered when distant shouting and laughing grew closer and closer until it flooded my ears and made me groan in irritation. I heard some murmurs and the noise died down but only for a minute before picking back up again. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I cracked a heavy eye open and waited to hear the sounds again. Cursing, laughing, hushed insults. My eyes adjusted to the room and I was able to look around. Chad and Max were leaning forward in their spots on the couch with controllers in their hands and clicking rapidly at the buttons. Ian had his legs up on the table and seemed content beside Max while he watched them play some fighting game against each other. A glance to my left is where I found </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span> who was still underneath me and watching me intently. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“How long was I out?” I grimaced, feeling how sticky and dry my entire mouth and tongue were. I sat up and stuck my tongue out, facing away from him while I touched it with my finger. George hummed a laugh before leaning to his right and grabbing the water bottle I’d abandoned. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe 40 minutes.” He replied, handing me the water and watching me chug the entire thing. I felt a little better but still extremely thirsty. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I’d fallen asleep on top of Joji for 40 minutes...and the spot I’d been laying on, George’s chest, was hot under my palm from the heat of our bodies together. My right leg was hooked over his, a move too intimate to be appropriate. It was too dark in the room to see, but my face blushed hard at the realization. With that, I also realized that I had sobered up a little. The dizziness wasn’t gone but it was manageable, and at least I wasn’t touching everything anymore...except Joji. I quickly removed my hand from his chest and held it against my chest.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry.” I said in embarrassment, pulling my body off of his and scooting away.  </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“For what?” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I made it weird again.” My admission made him laugh out loud.</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>══════</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He dropped me off later that night, after taking me to the liquor store to grab more beer for Gavin. I’d honestly forgotten about my request but he remembered and even escorted me into the store at 8pm when the creeps were starting to come out. When we got to my apartment, I had him pull right up to the steps rather than dropping me off at the bus stop since I knew Gavin was at work. He got out of the car and walked me up to my door to make sure I got in safely.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, anyway, feel free to call me if you still feel weird from the weed or anything.” He told me as he held up my bag for me. I took it gratefully, hooking the strap over my shoulder. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay.” I opened the front door to my building, leaning against it to keep it open while I spoke to him. He stood on the step below me with his hands buried in the pockets of his jacket. The wind kicked up, blowing a breeze around my bare legs that made my entire body shiver.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He noticed, of course, and took a step back onto the sidewalk.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll let you go up.” He gave a small half smile and moved to turn away before I called out to him. Why? I don’t really know. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I really am sorry.” He’d heard me apologize about my embarrassing behavior the entire ride home and dismissed it every time </span>
  <span>with joke</span>
  <span> or a wave of </span>
  <span>his</span>
  <span> hand. Surely I must have been annoying him by now.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I know. Night, lightweight.” He teased, flashing a grin. I watched him from the door as he got in his car and drove home; letting the cool wind whip around my hair and skirt while I analyzed the tingly feeling that still fluttered around inside me might not have been from the drugs.</span>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Tell Me Lies</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>When I awoke the next morning, it was to the slamming of the dresser as Gavin growled about me not doing the laundry. My head lifted from the pillow to turn to the disruption and I watched as he paced the room, picking up clothes from the floor and throwing them into the laundry basket under his arm.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I.</span>
  <span>.. I</span>
  <span> just don’t get it. How hard is it to do a load of laundry when you have all day to get it done?” He fumed, picking up his dirty socks from the floor and adding them to the basket. I watched him come around to my side of the bed and stare right at me. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you just going to stare or are you going to get up and do this shit?” He sneered, dropping the basket on the floor. I scoffed, which caught his attention quickly and he raised a brow at me. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Got something to say?” </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I forgot to do it but you don’t have to talk down to me like that.” I snapped back, sitting up in bed and feeling a slight wobble at the sudden movement. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You have one fucking job and it’s to take care of the apartment. I asked you to do your job and suddenly I’m talking down to you?” Gavin argued, his face twisting into a glare. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, your condescending tone while asking me how hard it is then waking me up to go do it is talking down to me.” I huffed, pulling my legs over the edge of the bed and dropping down to the floor. I stepped over the laundry basket and made my way to the bathroom, a move that pissed him off further and I knew it. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh sorry, were you too busy out all day and night with your friend to take care of your house?” He spit from the other side of the bathroom door. I put toothpaste on my toothbrush and popped it into my mouth before replying. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, I was.” I wasn’t sure what his point was but I knew it was him just grabbing for straws in the argument. Niki had absolutely nothing to do with any of this, but he loved to bring her up anyway. I forgot to do something he asked me to, but was it worth starting a fight over? Not in my opinion, but here we were, arguing through the bathroom door.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ever since you started hanging out with those people you’ve turned into a real bitch, you know.” Gavin snapped. My brushing faltered for a moment at his words before I regained my composure and continued cleaning my teeth.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay.” I replied, wondering why his words didn’t sting as sharp as they usually did. Perhaps I was beginning to grow an immunity... was that possible?</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>I finished brushing my teeth and tied my hair up so that I could wash my face. I could hear him in the bedroom still, pacing around and probably looking for something else to fight about, but I gave it no mind. I took my time and as I was drying my face on a towel he came back to the door with a quiet rasp.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So, are you going to do it?” His voice was calmer. I sighed deeply before opening the door and pushing past him with a muttered “yeah”’</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>══════</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Niki texted me later to ask what I did yesterday. I told her about George taking me to lunch and then going to the boys’ apartment to hang out with them. I even told her about how I smoked for the first time and what the experience was like. I left out the part about rubbing my face on Ian’s hand and sleeping on Joji. I hoped they didn’t say anything about that either because it’s something I’d honestly like to just move on from. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>I wasn’t sure what to say at first when she asked to come over to hang out and get ready before work. After the small fight I had with Gavin, I didn’t know how he’d take it if the person he was just complaining about wanted to come spend even more time with me. I gave him the heads up anyway and was rewarded with even more complaining. I tidied up and did the laundry while I waited for Niki. It was about 20 minutes after she said she’d left her house so I decided to shower quickly before her arrival and that’s the state I was in when she entered my bathroom. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>The curtain pulled back quickly, scaring the crap out of me and almost making me slip. I clutched the curtain to my body while I looked at her </span>
  <span>incredulously</span>
  <span>.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Boo!” She smirked, letting go of the curtain and sitting herself on the closed toilet seat lid. I popped my head around the curtain to look at her.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What the hell are you </span>
  <span>doing</span>
  <span> in here?” I cried, watching as she crossed her legs and smiled back at me. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Your boyfriend let me in,” She informed me before rolling her eyes. “Kinda rude.” </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I meant in my bathroom.” I sighed as I replaced the curtain and stood under the steaming water of the shower. I didn’t spend much time in the shower knowing Niki was waiting for me on the other side of the curtain, so 5 minutes later I was out with a large white towel wrapped around my body. Niki chatted away about the guy she’d met at the bar who was ghosting her now while I brushed my hair out and listened. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Men are trash.” She concluded with, following me out into my bedroom. I pulled some undergarments from my dresser while she sat on my bed, facing away to give me privacy.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sorry,” I told her as I pulled my panties up my legs. “I agree with you, though.” </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Niki turned around then, her head tilting curiously to the side as she stared at my half naked body. I reacted as quickly as I could, grabbing my towel from the floor and pulling it around my body in shock.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What are you doing? Turn around!” I yelled, clutching the towel to my body. My wet hair dripped cold water droplets down my back and shoulders –all I wanted to do was get dressed and be warm. She laughed, leaning back on my bed and waving me off. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Please, we’ve got all the same parts! Well...two of yours are a little bigger than mine, but still,” She laughed before suddenly becoming serious. “Maybe more, turn around </span>
  <span>really</span>
  <span> quick.” </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>I glared hard, forcing a wide grin and laugh from her mouth.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Anyway, I’m just venting...not</span>
  <em>
    <span> all</span>
  </em>
  <span> men are trash.” She hummed, rubbing at the cuticles of her black polished nails. While she was looking away, I took the opportunity to cover my breasts with my bra and hook it on from the back... the difficult way. I didn’t think much about her words as I dug through my drawer for pants to put on for work. Perhaps shorts? It’s supposed to be warmer tonight than it had been lately.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“George is a pretty good guy after, all.” She mumbled from behind me. I decided to go with the shorts, definitely. I pulled them up my legs, buttoning and adjusting them above my belly button before going in search of one of the black t-shirts I was provided. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah.” I replied absentmindedly, pulling open the middle dresser drawer and browsing through my folded tops. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Funny, talented, cute...that little baby face of his, huh?” Niki asked insistently. I turned to face her with the club </span>
  <span>t-shirt</span>
  <span> in my hands. I was confused by her question, if it was even a question.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What?” </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Niki pursed her lips together, trying and failing to hold a smile back. She rolled onto her stomach while she looked at me and dropped her head to her folded arms beneath her.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“George,” She said again, “he’s attractive, right?” </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>I looked incredulously at her after pulling my shirt on over my head.</span>
  
</p>
<p> <br/><span>“What are you asking me?” I squinted at her while I wrapped the discarded towel around my hair and sat on the bed. She sat up and was mere inches from me with a devilish grin on her face.</span></p>
<p>
  <span>“Would you fuck him?” </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>I choked on my own spit at her question. My eyes widened, looking into her evil ones, before they shot to my bedroom door. I prayed to anyone listening that Gavin had not just heard her question or else all hell would break lose.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“W-what? You know Gavin is right out there!” I stuttered, holding my breath just in case he did come busting in here. Niki laughed and rolled onto her back, staring up at the ceiling. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He left as soon as I got here.” She informed me, looking at her nails again. I released the breath but still felt immensely uncomfortable. Gavin must have gone to work. It wasn’t two yet but he probably didn’t want to deal with Niki. For whatever reason he really didn’t like her. Then again...here she was asking me questions like this, so I guess I couldn’t blame him. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You never answered the question.” She sang, running her nails up my arms. I smiled lightly and shook my head.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I refuse to answer such a childish question. We’re friends and you know it.” </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Niki sat up so fast I thought something was wrong but all she did was look right into my eyes, as if she were looking for something. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do friends sit in friend’s laps?” She teased, wrapping her hand around my arm and shaking me. “Do friends constantly sneak off together to go to lunch or have a smoke or play arcade games just the two of them? Do friends have weird almost kisses and turn red like fucking tomatoes?” She was grinning so widely at me that dimples I didn’t even know she had, appeared on her cheeks. I knew I was probably looking tomatoey to her then by the mention of how I sat in Joji’s lap last night. One of them told her.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I... you’re looking </span>
  <em>
    <span>way</span>
  </em>
  <span> too much into this...and I kissed </span>
  <em>
    <span>you </span>
  </em>
  <span>for the dumb game, so apparently friends do.” I cleared my throat as I unraveled her claws from my arm. She raised a brow at me with a smirk.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay fine, but I don’t see you doing any of that with the other guys.” She had a point... </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I have a </span>
  <span>boyfriend</span>
  <span> in case you’ve forgotten and I thought you were here to get ready with me?” I jumped from the bed and away from her to walk into the bathroom. She followed closely behind me, watching as I pulled my makeup bag from the cabinet.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“There’s no harm in asking.” Niki hummed, seating herself on the edge of my bathroom counter. She looked contemplative while she watched me rub primer into my skin. “You have a great body you know. I see how you always try to hide it at work.” </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>My hands stopped moving. My body image wasn’t something I wanted to talk about at all, let alone next to the world’s most petite woman. I knew my body wasn’t bad...rationally I knew that. My weight was average and I felt okay about it enough to wear shorts and skirts obviously, but when it came to my stomach, Gavin always felt the need to let me know when I looked bloated or flabby. It just became habit, I guess, to cover my stomach.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know it’s not my place but I just wanted to let you know,” Niki smiled gently at me. “And I bet George likes it.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fuck you.”</span>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Like the Bait That I Am</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Niki helped me with my makeup which was the only way I could've gotten the smokey eye and winged liner combo I had always wanted and consistently failed at. She did her hair and makeup beside me in the bathroom while we chatted about work, the guys, her family and mine. I learned that she was born in Indonesia and that her parents still lived there so a couple of times a year she would fly back home to see them. I thought that was really nice, but it made me think about my own parents...how I hadn't seen or even spoken to them in years. Not that it would do me any good now. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>When we were finished in the bathroom Niki and I had a fight in the bedroom regarding our clothing for the night. I was already completely dressed, but still she debated with me why I should wear something sexier tonight. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Why though? It’s Wednesday, it's not like there will even be anyone there to see.” I argued back while she dug through my closet in search of </span>
  <span>something</span>
  <span> she deemed more suitable. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Exactly!” She chimed from inside. “So why not, right? No one will see you...” She pulled a </span>
  <span>low-cut</span>
  <span> blouse out from the hanger before putting it back. She stepped out of the closet with a finger tapping her lips.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe I just don’t want to?” I sat on the bed cross-legged while I watched her make her way to my dresser and begin rifling through it. She pulled open the top drawer, the </span>
  <span>delicates</span>
  <span> drawer, and looked over her shoulder with an evil grin on her face.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t you wear this? It’s so cute!” She pulled her hand out of the drawer and held up a piece of black lace so tiny you could barely see it. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“No.” I huffed back at her. She pulled on the strings and shot the fabric at me, hitting me in the forehead. I watched her turn back around to continue her search, pulling every bra out she could find but deciding they were not what she was looking for. Finally, she turned back to me where I had been slingshotting the underwear up into the air and catching it in my boredom. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Where is the lingerie we bought together?” She pondered, looking around my bedroom. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“No.” I stated again. Niki ran to me, slapping her hands down hard on my thighs. “Ow!” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, come on I’m wearing mine tonight! We’ll match!” She squealed as if knowing that I would be just as half naked as her was supposed to make me feel better somehow. I pushed her hands off of my thighs to expose the little red handprints she left on me and grimaced.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Absolutely not, no.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>══════</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I don’t want to talk about how I ended up in the </span>
  <span>passenger</span>
  <span> seat of Niki’s car wearing the lacey pink corset I’d bought with her but never worn. Or how, despite my pouting and arm crossing, she still managed to make me crack a smile so I would forgive her. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Trust me,” She’d said just before she got out of the car. “It’ll be great.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I rolled my eyes at her even though she couldn’t see and took a deep breath before entering the club with her. Chad greeted us at the door with lingering eyes. I was already deeply regretting everything tonight.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Inside was still relatively dead. No one was really here except a couple of customers already having drinks at the bar, and our coworkers of course. The lights were down, setting the room in a deep indigo ocean. Hip hop music rang out, although it was not nearly as thunderous as it normally was. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Ian’s probably back on his bullshit.” Niki joked as we made our way to the backroom to store our bags. I felt the fabric of my “top” with my fingers. The see-through lace on my stomach covered only by slightly less transparent rose patterns all the way up to the mesh covered cups that pushed my breasts up just enough to give them noticeable cleavage. I sighed. At least my outfit wasn’t nearly as explicit as Niki’s, which consisted of 2 red latex straps that came over her shoulders and down over her breasts with some extra, smaller red straps in between. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Those look like suspenders.” I teased as she ruffled her hair in the compact mirror in her hand. She shot me a quick glare from the corner of her eye.</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>══════</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What the fuck are you wearing?” Ian asked in disgust when we walked behind the baby blue backlit bar to get our serving trays. His eyes were directly on Niki, staring daggers. “You look like a fucking firefighter.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Niki glared hard at Ian, putting her hand on her hip as she argued back. I choked back a laugh as the interaction went on.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re just jealous you’d never look as good in latex.” She huffed, sticking her tongue out. The look of disgust on Ian’s face never faltered, and if anything, it deepened.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Good!” He sneered while he rubbed the inside of a glass dry with his white hand towel. One of my absolute favorite things about being able to hang around this group of people was when they picked on each other; maybe because I’m a sick person, but also because there were never any real hard feelings. They were all jokes and everyone knew it. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Niki was mocking Ian’s haircut when Joji came up to the bar from the other side. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey.” He said, making direct eye contact with me before his eyes slipped down. Ian and Niki stopped talking, or maybe I just fazed them out, I honestly wasn’t sure; but a blush reached my face as I watched his eyes return to mine and I replied back.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>George opened his mouth to speak again but stopped short when he saw Niki. His brow furrowed at the sight of her when she turned around to face him.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“For fucks sake, Niki, gross.” He grimaced. Niki’s face dropped in annoyance while Ian stood behind her and laugh out loud. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You know what? Fuck you guys.” Niki huffed before picking up her tray and strutting off. We were all watching her leave when Joji turned back to face me.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Anyway, I wanted to show you something.” He told me, nodding his head in the direction of the break room. I looked to Ian who immediately turned his back to us upon seeing me and continued wiping the glass in his hand. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Ok, sure.” I sat my tray down on the bar and stepped out from behind it, but not before catching Ian’s eye. “I’ll be back soon this time, promise.” He lifted a brow at me from above his black rimmed glasses.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>Mhm</span>
  <span>.” Ian replied, setting the glass down and grabbing another. I left the bar with George, walking alongside him to the backroom. He opened the door, letting me walk through first before making his way to the lockers. I watched curiously as his lips moved while he mumbled his combination to the locker beside mine, locker 1. When the metal door swung open, both of Joji’s hands reached inside and emerged holding a beautiful tiny potted lily. He faced me, looking down at the flower before looking up at me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I remembered you said you liked potted plants.” He said, his brown eyes burrowing into mine before diverting back to the white little flower. He balanced the pot in one of his palms while his other hand gingerly touched the green leaves of the plant. “It’s a peace lily. I figured you could use some peace... and I heard they purify the air or something.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He held it out to me </span>
  <span>carefully</span>
  <span>. I held my hands out and allowed him to place the plant in my open palms. The flower itself was beautiful, a single white petal stood proudly in the middle surrounded by vibrant, glossy green leaves.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know what to say, thank you, oh my god.” I looked back up at George who had an unlit cig between his lips and was digging around his hoodie pocket</span>
  <span>. I’ve never been one to receive gifts very well so I averted my eyes and felt heat rise up to my face. I touched the petal, feeling the delicate satin like finish. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I </span>
  <span>dunno</span>
  <span>.” He had been mumbling around the stick and turning the carton around in his palm seemingly uncomfortably. I closed the distance between us, wrapping a single arm around his middle while my other held the plant to my side and hugged him firmly.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, George.” He seemed stunned at first before I felt him embrace me in return, his arm coming to rest on my back and his hand lightly patting me between my shoulder blades. My head rested against him for only a moment, finding comfort in his warmth and scent that I’d began to enjoy before I pulled back, not wanting to make things weird again.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He resumed his rustling until finally finding what he’d been seemingly looking for. A tiny blue lighter. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You are </span>
  <em>
    <span>not </span>
  </em>
  <span>going to smoke in front of my plant. I’ll tell Ian on you.” I joked, shielding the little plant away from him as he flicked his thumb over the pad, trying to spark a flame. He succeeded, igniting the tip of the cigarette and sliding his eyes over to mine. I watched the silver strings dance up into the air, twisting and spiraling into his face as he looked at me with an amused simper.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He opened his mouth to say something before being interrupted.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Time’s up, Liv, we got customers.” Ian’s voice came in before his body did. His lanky body halted in place upon seeing Joji and a grimace overcame him. “What the hell did I tell you about smoking in here? Fucking dumbass, go outside!” He chastised with a hardened glare before leaving. Joji rolled his eyes and I grinned in victory as I moved to my locker and placed the lily inside. </span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>══════</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>A few groups of people had come in but that was about the </span>
  <span>busiest</span>
  <span> it got that night. I did get comments about my attire but not as many as Niki got. She acted as a lightning rod to the horniest men in the room as they gathered around her at the bar and offered to buy her drinks or for her phone number. I wasn’t positive how the attention made her feel but by the look of her crossed legs and sly smiles at one of the guys, I figured she’d at least found one of them interesting. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>By around 2:45 am, we were all cleaning up and getting ready to shut down for the night. Niki had a pile of business cards, hundreds in cash from the tips she’d made tonight, and two attractive men standing in front of her at the bar. I had a tray full of empty glasses that I brought around the bar to the sink behind Ian and began washing them while he and I listened in on Niki’s conversation. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“-Oh of course I do. Ears, tail, and claws.” Niki made a scratching motion at two of the men who seemed extremely interested in whatever it was she was talking about. Ian finished wiping off the bar top and came to help me load the dishes into the dishwasher with a huge grin on his face.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you fucking hearing this?” He whispered, making me grin in return. I nodded and hushed him just as Niki spoke again.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You know what every kitty </span>
  <span>needs</span>
  <span> is two big doggies to rough her up.” Niki purred to the delight of the gentlemen. Ian and I cracked up at that, stifling our laughter as best as we could. Ian gasped out a “what the fuck” and I had to bite my lip from laughing any harder. Niki undoubtedly heard us but ignored it as she proceeded on with her seduction. Max came around the bar, catching our attention as he looked bewildered at Niki and her new friends.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What the fuck is going on?” He asked, turning back to us as we stood shoulder to shoulder and shook our heads at him, waving him over. Max moved in closer.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Niki is trying to get a threesome going.” I whispered, turning back to the cocktail glass I’d been scrubbing and handing it off to Ian who set it down gently inside the dish washer. Max’s thick eyebrows rose in surprise at my words before looking over to Niki and back over to me.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay...but what the fuck are you guys wearing? Why does Niki have caution tape on her nipples?” Max’s eyes drifted down to my cleavage and then back up to the dead stare I was giving him. “Don’t get me wrong, I like it, but why?” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe kitty likes two big dogs in both holes?” One of the guys crooned at Niki, moving in closer to her and brushing her arm with his knuckles. The 3 of us snorted with laughter again, failing miserably to keep quiet. This time, however, Niki </span>
  <span>acknowledged</span>
  <span> it. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t we take this </span>
  <span>conversation</span>
  <span> back to my apartment, boys?” She flipped her hair over her shoulder and turned to us while she grabbed her cash and phone numbers. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Olivia,” Niki called my attention. “I’m </span>
  <span>gonna</span>
  <span> head out early... maybe the boys can take you home?” She left the bar, throwing a wink at the 3 of us before making her way to the backroom to grab her bag and then out the front entrance. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Ian?” I asked after Niki disappeared from sight. Ian glanced quickly at Max behind me before looking back at me with a sheepish smile. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course, Liv. Let’s finish up and get the fuck out of here.”  He said, turning back around to the dishes. </span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>══════</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Max swept the room, Ian and I finished cleaning up the bar, and when Chad and George returned from their smoke break outside, they vacuumed and cleaned the tables in the sitting area. I made sure to grab my bag and plant from my locker before leaving with the boys and walking to the car in the parking lot. Chad locked the double doors of the club and parted ways with us.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re going to make a quick stop before taking you home, is that okay?” Ian asked. He and Max turned around from the font seats to look at me for approval. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, yeah that’s fine.” I replied, clicking my seatbelt in and adjusting the strap so it wouldn’t cling so tightly to my chest. Ian shot Max a look before facing forward and turning the keys in the ignition. The engine roared to life and Ian shifted the car into drive as he rolled out of the parking lot. Max fumbled around with the radio for a bit, stopping on stations to listen to what was playing before deciding he didn’t like it and changing the station again. George sat quietly beside me, looking out the dark window with a contemplative look on his face. I wondered what he was thinking about. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Max finally settled on a song he liked that sounded about halfway finished and grinned over at Ian as he turned up the volume. Max stretched his arms up and rested them behind his head, happily.</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p><em><span>I don't want to be your friend</span></em> <br/><em><span>I just want to be your lover</span></em> <br/><em><span>No matter how it ends</span></em> <br/><em><span>No matter how it starts</span></em></p><p><em><span>Forget about your house of cards</span></em> <br/><em><span>And I'll do mine</span></em> <br/><em><span>Forget about your house of cards</span></em> <br/><em><span>And I'll do mine</span></em></p><p>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“</span>
  </em>
  <span>Wow, this is a great song, right bros?” Max said loudly over the sound of the music. Ian laughed as he stopped at a red light and looked back over to Max.</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh yes, I love this song!” Ian replied in a weird overly enthusiastic accent that I didn’t recognize. The two boys snickered to themselves. </span>
  <span>Joji and I glanced at each other, both shifting to our opposite sides of the car and putting as much space between us as we could in bizarre synchronization. My lily sat lonely on the seat between us like a child with divorced parents.</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p><em><span>Fall off the table</span></em> <br/><em><span>Get swept under</span></em> <br/><em><span>Denial, denial</span></em></p><p><em><span>The infrastructure will collapse</span></em> <br/><em><span>Voltage spikes</span></em> <br/><em><span>Throw your keys in the bowl</span></em> <br/><em><span>Kiss your husband goodnight</span></em></p><p><em><span>Forget about your house of cards</span></em> <br/><em><span>And I'll do mine</span></em> <br/><em><span>Forget about your house of cards</span></em> <br/><em><span>And I'll do mine</span></em></p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“</span>
  </em>
  <span>Great band.” Was the only dumb comment I could make as I stared out of my window.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” George agreed.</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p><em><span>Fall off the table</span></em> <br/><em><span>And get swept under</span></em></p><p><em><span>Denial, denial</span></em> <br/><em><span>Denial, denial</span></em> <br/><em><span>Your ears should be burning</span></em> <br/><em><span>Denial, denial</span></em> <br/><em><span>Your ears should be burning</span></em></p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The rest of the ride was silent. I had no idea where exactly Ian was taking us but it seemed pretty far away; at least longer than it would’ve taken to get home. The fatigue of the night was beginning to set in on me though. I </span>
  <span>let out a quiet yawn and stretched my legs out in front of me.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>George also seemed to be getting tired because he yawned right after I did and rested his head against his window. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>A tap on my window shook me from sleep that I didn’t even realize I’d fallen into. My heavy eyes blinked away the exhaustion as I looked around at my surroundings and spotted Ian waving from outside. I rolled the window down, letting in a cold breeze that immediately sent my body into shivers.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Coming?” Ian asked. Max was standing behind him with a wide grin and his hands in the pockets of his hoodie. I looked down at myself and then back at Ian with a frown.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t exactly have normal clothes on.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Ian hummed in agreement, looking back over his shoulder at Max and then back at me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“George!” Ian leaned in through my window to scream at his sleeping friend, effectively </span>
  <span>startling</span>
  <span> me and Joji both.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” He groaned tiredly, lifting his head to look at us with half open eyes and black strands of hair that stuck to his forehead from where he pressed his face into the door. My heart leapt at the sight.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Give Liv your hoodie.” Ian instructed, impatiently. Joji blinked a couple of times, taking in Ian’s request and dipping his eyes briefly at my corset before sighing and unbuckling his seatbelt. Ian stepped away from the window so I could roll it up and stop the flow of intrusive cold air. Joji pulled his black hoodie over his head, mussing up his mess of inky black hair even more than it normally was and passed it to me with another tired yawn. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you.” I finally tore my eyes away from the man beside me to take the jacket from his hands. I unbuckled my belt and pulling his hoodie over my head, delighting in the immediate warmth. Joji’s warmth. The tingling feeling deep inside my chest returned full force, making my heart pick up. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Where are we?” Joji asked, blinking the sleep from his eyes and looking out the window. Ian and Max had left us to walk into the store we were parked in front of, leaving us alone. I rolled up the sleeves on the hoodie, adjusting it so it wouldn’t fall off my shoulders so much. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I looked up at his silhouette that was gazing out the window. Curious to see where we were, I leaned forward, looking around him at the neon pink ‘XXX’ sign lit up in the window of the store, then up at the large neon sign in the parking lot that read ‘Adult XXX 24 Hours.’  </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I-I think we’re at a sex shop.” </span>
  
</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Don't Panic</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Trigger Warning: Sexual Assault</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>I stepped out of the car after hiding my bag as well as I could beneath Ian’s seat. If the grimy parking lot was any indication of how sleazy the store was, I wanted to make sure I hid my wallet. George followed closely behind me as we entered the store and looked for Max and Ian.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>To the left of us was a series of cash registers that a very thin, balding man with a creepy uncle mustache leaned over to greet us.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hello young lady. Dildos and vibrators are in the right corner.” He rasped, pointing across the store. I cringed at his words and I’m sure my face was probably beet red displaying my obvious embarrassment but I nodded politely and continued through the store regardless. Joji followed me without saying a word, which I wasn’t sure was a good thing or a bad thing, because I felt like his jokes would’ve helped me feel a lot better right about then. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>We walked down an aisle of novelty items, like the kind of stuff you would see at bachelorette parties. Penis shaped hats, lollipops, straws and such. I continued walking, trying not to stop and stare as we moved into the next aisle that had accessories. Feather boas of all colors, whips, stockings with rips already in them. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I stopped dead in my tracks when we reached the bondage aisle and turned right back around, bumping into George who finally let out a little laugh as I fled. I moved swiftly past a wall that had skimpy outfits and lingerie on hangers of various types. Everything from innocent school girl plaid skirts to tight leather </span>
  <span>catwoman</span>
  <span> suits. I’d never worn outfits made for ‘play’ like these, but I’d always been curious about them. What would look good on me? What would my partner like? </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Unfortunately, Gavin was never the partner I wondered about. I knew he wouldn’t like this kind of stuff, and so, I’d probably never get the chance to try. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I reached out tentatively to touch a naughty nurse outfit, complete with a red thong and fake stethoscope. Behind me, Joji cleared his throat, uncomfortably. Perhaps he wanted to move on.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I pulled my hand back and apologized quietly before moving on. My eyes skimmed the other outfits curiously until we got to another aisle of accessories. Cock rings, butt plugs, flavored condoms and lubes were lined up neatly. I wasn’t even going to look twice but my eye caught sight of the ‘chocolate cake’ flavored condoms and I was suddenly too surprised to be mortified. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Huh. Do you think this actually tastes like cake?” I picked up the box, flipping it around to read the ingredients while Joji choked from behind me. I put the box back down and turned to look at him. “Are you okay?” His face was red from coughing but he nodded quickly and looked away. I figured I’d embarrassed him so I decided to end my browsing and keep looking for Ian and Max and possibly spare us both some humiliation. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>We walked around the store in our search for our friends until finally spotting them in the back left corner, browsing an enormous collection of adult DVDs. Above their heads, televisions mounted to the walls played various porno clips that thankfully were muted.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh hey, there you are! What do you think, ‘4 ebony goddesses vs. 1 white shlong’ or ‘pretty pink pussies part 43’?” Max asked, forcing the DVDs into my hands. I looked at the explicit images on the covers of both videos before handing them back.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Um...the first one.” I glanced beside me at the overly excessive display of movies that they were browsing. There was everything...and I mean </span>
  <em>
    <span>everything. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Softcore, parody, fetish, bondage, cartoon, gay, orgies. There was no shortage of porn of any kind. Max nodded, looking between the videos before putting one back.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re right. Thanks mate.” He patted me on the arm. I gave a weak smile in return as Ian held up a DVD from Max’s other side.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Do we like ‘Raiders of the Lost Arse’?” Ian asked loudly, shaking the DVD in the air. I whined in embarrassment, looking around for something else to keep my attention so I didn’t have to face what was happening.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I prefer ‘Edward </span>
  <span>Penishands</span>
  <span>’ but it’s up to you.” Max replied, browsing the shelves again with the DVD I chose tucked under his arm.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Gena what’s her face’s tits are all fucked up now.” Ian sighed.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I know, they were better in ‘Pulp Friction.’” Max commented casually. George and I stood off to the side, watching them, and I couldn’t help but wonder if he would also be picking out pornos if I wasn’t there. And if he did, what kind?</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I shook that thought away. </span>
  <em>
    <span>What kind of weirdo wonders stuff like that about their friends?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Sheesh.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh my god, no way. Check this out.” Ian said excitedly, grabbing a movie from the highest shelf and handing it off to Max who gasped. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“George, get a load of this shit.” Max laughed, coming back over to us to hand Joji the movie. He blinked at the box before cracking a smile and passing it back. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re sick.” </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span> laughed. Max offered me the movie, but after one peek at the cover I felt sick and immediately turned around to leave.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, you guys have fun.” I called, hastily making my back to the front of the store so I could go sit in the car and Google therapists near me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>A hand roughly grabbed my sleeve, yanking me back as I walked through the bachelorette party aisle. I looked behind me at whoever pulled my arm, fully expecting it to be one my friends, but was met with an unfamiliar face. A tall man with greasy gray hair suddenly stepped up to me holding a black box in his wrinkly hands. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey.” The man let go of my sleeve, and looked me in the eyes beneath his unkempt, stringy hair. His dark eyes looked tired and had prominent dark circles under his eyes. Unlike Joji's, this man’s bags made his eyes look sunken in like a living skeleton. I pulled my arms close to my body, tucking my hands and looking over his shoulder for any sign of my friends. A chill crept up my spine as the man in front of me stared unspeaking, before eventually holding up the black box.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi.” I mumbled in reply, sliding my left foot back behind the heel of my right and shifting my weight away. The man grinned at me where I saw that not only were his teeth black from decay but that he had some missing on the bottom row. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Meth mouth</span>
  </em>
  <span>. The man’s pupils were blown wide and his state of hygiene was...low. He was likely high on something strong and possibly homeless. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Can you... can you tell me...” the man looked between the box and my face, seemingly unsure of whatever was inside. I took another unsteady step backwards and pointed my thumb to the front of the store.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, I don’t work here so I can’t help you.” I tried to be polite, despite how incredibly uneasy his presence made me feel. He had a wild look in his eyes that I didn’t trust. His jaw ground wiggled back and forth as he ground his teeth together. When I turned to leave, I was grabbed again. The man’s filthy hand clamped down on my shoulder and spun me back around to face him. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Bitch!” He spat, pushing into me until I was shoved up against a display rack that shook when I bumped into it. I panicked, looking around for any other person who was witnessing what was happening but there was no one. The dumber part of me tried to stay calm and ease out of the situation without angering him and making it worse. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I-I’m sorry! I can help you, just let me see the box.” I croaked as every red flag in my body went off at once, telling me to leave. He moved closer to me, leaning down as he breathed his rancid breath in my face. I wanted to vomit.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You </span>
  <em>
    <span>are</span>
  </em>
  
  <span>gonna</span>
  <span> help me.” He wheezed, and suddenly the box in his hand met the floor with a clatter. His hand cupped my jaw, forcing me to look up from the box on the floor and into his deranged eyes. I always wondered what I would do if I was ever in a situation like this. I thought that I wouldn’t hesitate, I’d kick the assailant in the nuts, scream, and run. I’d be brave and later look back at the memory with pride at my quick response...but that wasn’t what happened. I was completely overcome with fear that paralyzed me, freezing my limbs in place and halting any thoughts of fighting back. I couldn’t think of running or kicking him, I was too afraid. He could have a knife or a gun and could kill me if I made one bad move. I’m not strong enough to overthrow him and the realization that I was helpless thanks to my own fear made tears well up in my eyes. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The man’s other hand ran up my thighs between my legs, pushing Joji’s hoodie up my body until his knuckles brushed against the most sensitive part of me. The action forced the shriek that had been building in my throat to finally arise and the first name to appear in my head is what I vocalized.</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“George!” The name came out a half sob; half scream.</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He must’ve already been on his way to find me because not a second after my plea cut off, Joji was rounding the corner of the aisle and spotted me. His wide eyes met mine and I whimpered when the homeless man clamped his filthy hand over my mouth and leaned closer until his dry lips scraped against my chin. Hot tears slipped down my cheeks, clouding my eyesight so I could barely see.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I blinked once and when I opened my eyes again a flash of skin streaked across my vision. The man was torn off of me when George’s fist connected with the side of his head. The disgusting old man fell to the ground with a groan just as Ian, Max, and the cashier ran into our aisle.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What the fuck?”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Holy fucking shit.” Ian gasped.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I jumped over the man’s crumpled body with a cry when the old man’s hands tried reaching for my ankle. He lifted his head and revealed the pool of blood beneath him. His nose was dripping blood from the force of George’s punch that cracked his face on the linoleum. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m calling the police.” The thin cashier man gasped, pulling an old flip phone from his pocket. I ran to George, wrapping my arms around him and letting out a string of uncontrollable sobs.  </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, I froze, I didn’t know what to do.” I blubbered into his black shirt. I don’t know why I was apologizing, but I suspected that it was more of an apology to myself. He didn’t answer verbally, but his arms wound around me in a tight embrace and he walked me out of the store alongside Ian and Max.</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>══════</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>We waited in the car for the police to arrive. Joji held me in the backseat, letting me break down into him and wiping every tear from my cheek as they fell. Ian and Max spoke quietly among themselves outside the car, not bothering to make jokes or laugh. Perhaps that was for the best, but I kind of wish they would. I wish someone, anyone, could make how I was feeling go away. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>George whispered into my hair that it wasn’t my fault, and as much as I knew he was technically correct, I couldn’t help but think that if I had just stayed with them that I wouldn’t have pulled the unwanted attention and we wouldn’t be forced to sit here at 3:44 in the morning waiting for the police to show up. Not to mention, Ian and Max didn’t get their DVDs and as irrational as that was, I still felt bad. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Joji’s hands ran through my hair, his fingers rubbing my scalp and pushing my hair back before doing it all over again. I had my face pressed against his chest, listening to his heartbeat and letting the warmth of his body comfort me. I never let go of him the entire time. The poor boy had to slide into the backseat with me clutching him like a koala, but he didn’t seem to mind. His body rested against the door, legs spread out over the backseat while I slumped against him, our legs entangled on the seat. Almost identical to how we ended up on his couch together the other night. In any other setting, I would be embarrassed by my actions, but this wasn’t the first time I’d used this man as a human body pillow, so I took the comfort he offered.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>We had all fallen asleep by the time the cops came, which was around 4:38 am. Brooklyn PD weren't necessarily known for their haste unless you were already dying and even then, the chances of them showing up on time was 50/50. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>A rasp of knuckles on the driver’s side window forced us all awake. Ian stepped out of the car to speak with the officer just as an ambulance pulled into the parking lot, Red swirling lights penetrated the window, blinding me. I frowned deeply in shame at the plight I caused. I felt such heavy guilt at putting the boys in this situation with me, despite how unreasonable I was being. I couldn’t help how I felt.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Joji rubbed his warm hands up and down my back, resuming his method of soothing me that he’d been doing when he fell asleep. Guilt continued filling me. He shouldn’t have had to fight my battles, nor should he have had to comfort me afterward. Besides the sinking feeling of remorse and shame that weighed down on my shoulders, I felt admiration for him. There was no hesitation in between me calling for him and his punch. He took on the burden of saving me from the creepy, dirty, old man and then took on the burden of comforting me this entire time. Now he sat in a cramped backseat with a blubbering baby of a woman and waited for the cops so he could give his statement for the police report for me. A new wave of warmth flooded me inside, it felt good. My face pressed harder into his chest, breathing in his scent and immediately physically relaxing. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The ambulance checked me and George first. His knuckles had a couple bloody scrapes from the force he exerted but nothing terrible. They took the old man soon after. One of the officers told us he had failed to comply with them in filling out a report because he was too wacked out on drugs. He bled all over the store and tried to rob it before the cops came but never actually made it out the doors. The two officers took mine and George’s statements separately, as well as the cashier’s, Ian’s, and Max’s. We were finally allowed to leave at 5:18 in the morning after I was given the officer’s card and a copy of the statement to keep. Max was already passed out in the passenger seat when I finally crawled back into the car. George looked on the verge of passing out as well but was keeping it together for me, I think. Ian started the car slowly and looked at me through the mirror.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Liv, do you want to just crash at our place? I don’t think I can make the drive to yours and our apartment is just a couple blocks over.” Ian asked desperately. I wasted no time in nodding and thanking him. When the car rolled forward, I closed my eyes, letting the extreme fatigue take me again. </span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>══════</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Ian and Max trudged up the stairs in front of me. When they unlocked the apartment, they went their separate ways to their bedrooms through the pitch-black darkness of the halls. I used the walls as a guide to bring me to the living room where I curled up on the couch. I heard Joji close the apartment door and shuffle closer and a light ‘thud’ as he dropped what I assumed to be my bag on the floor behind the couch.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Liv, sleep on my bed. I’ll stay out here.” His deep, tired voice whispered as he reached over to shake my shoulder gently. I cracked an eye to stare at the dark figure above me and grabbed his hand from my shoulder, pulling it around to clutch between both of mine. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Please sleep here with me.” I whispered, closing my eyes again as I enjoyed the warmth of his hand. He pulled his hand out from mine and I heard shuffling before he came back around to the couch to sit beside me and pull my shoes off. I smiled and tried to tell him thank you but I don’t think it sounded like anything more than incoherent mumblings. A light weight covered my body, sheathing me in warmth before I felt him lay his head down beside mine and his soft, shallow breaths grow deeper as he fell asleep. </span>
  
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Just for fun, the DVD Ian, Max, and Joji were laughing at was “Gushin’ Grannies”</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Slide Away</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I was awoken by the shrill ringing of my cell phone. Small beams of sunlight that streamed in through the cracks of the blinds on the window shone right into my eyes, making me bring my right hand over my face to act as a shield. My phone rang loudly again, pulling my attention back to the reason I was even awake. I tried looking around but the strange sensation of my head rubbing against a hard surface made me look up at a head of thick, messy charcoal hair.<em>  Joji.  </em>My left hand was outstretched above my head, caught inside of his while he slept. Flutterings exploded in my chest, sending my heart into overdrive and forcing me to catch my breath. The phone rang once again, demanding my attention.  </p><p>Regrettably, I slid my hand out from his, feeling his fingers twitch with my retreat, and his eyebrows furl. I sat up, dropping the blanket that had mysteriously appeared on me, and reached over the back of the couch to grab my discarded bag. I dug inside my bag for my phone that was buzzing and screeching at me to see an incoming call from Gavin. My stomach dropped.  </p><p>I accepted the call and tried my best not to sound as bad as I felt. </p><p>“Hello?” I whispered, pulling my body back over the couch and glancing over at George to make sure I hadn't woken him. He was lying face down as I had been. His mouth pressed into the couch cushion hung slightly open, back rising and falling with his deep breaths. </p><p>“Olivia, where the fuck are you?!” Gavin screamed at me from the other end, making me cringe and turn the volume down on my phone. I stood from the couch, feeling Joji’s black hoodie that I’d worn all night brush against my thighs. I knew this conversation was going to be a bad one, so I decided I’d rather not have it front of Joji, sleeping or otherwise. </p><p>“I... hold on.” I whispered back to the phone, sliding in between George and the coffee table and making my way out of the living room. When I got to the kitchen, I spoke a little louder. </p><p>“Gav, I had the worst night. This man, h-he touched me and--”  </p><p>“Where. Are. You?” Gavin asked again, grinding out each word. Would I tell him everything? Would I tell him how I agreed to walk into a sex store at 3am with my friends and stayed the night in their apartment? It was the truth but judging by his tone, he wouldn’t care what my explanations were. I didn’t come home last night and nothing I could say would make him understand. It shouldn’t have been this difficult, but this was Gavin. </p><p>I didn’t know what to say, but I did feel the same overwhelming guilt that had consumed me last night begin to sear into me now. I’d put myself in this situation and I’d lied so much about where I was all the time to Gavin for fear of him getting mad at me for hanging out with other men. I couldn’t keep lying. </p><p>“I’m at my friend’s apartment,” I answered him lowly, opening the apartment door and stepping out into the hallway, thoughts devoid of shoes. I simply wanted to get out of the apartment before the conversation intensified any more. “They were with me last night when it happ--”  </p><p>“Text me Niki’s address, I’m on my way.” Gavin grunted after cutting me off again. I was making my way down the hall to the rooftop entrance when I stopped to look down at Joji’s sweatshirt that I was wearing and felt dread fill me at the thought of Gavin seeing me like this. Even if I took the hoodie off, I was still wearing that fucking pink corset underneath. I was fucked.  </p><p>“I’m not at Niki’s.” I said with my eyes closed, mentally preparing for the onslaught. “I’m with the guys.” I stepped outside onto the roof, instantly being blinded by the morning sun as it gleamed over the horizon in the East, almost completely risen. I pushed the cinderblock in between the door and the frame and moved to go sit in the spot I’d sat with Joji for the first time almost 2 months ago.  </p><p>Silence followed my admission. </p><p>“Are you fucking joking?” Gavin hissed from the other end. I gulped as the shame I’d grown accustomed to flooded me.  </p><p>“I told you, please listen to me. This man, he touched--” I croaked, pulling my legs up to my chest and wrapping an arm around them for comfort. Birds flew over my head, chirping loudly as they passed by. On the street below me, cars honked as traffic continued as normal and the loud rumbling of the train passing by on the metal tracks was almost enough to distract me. </p><p>“I knew this would happen. I told you, didn’t I? You’re not working at that fucking titty bar anymore. Where are you? I’m coming to get you.”  </p><p>“No, Gavin you don’t understand.” I pleaded. The club had nothing to do with what happened last night and I didn’t want to have to lose a job working with my friends over my mistakes.  </p><p>“And why the fuck are you at some dude’s house? You couldn’t come home, are you fucking kidding me?” He scolded me. I dropped my head into my knees, feeling defeated. I’d messed up badly. Worst case scenario I could’ve called a taxi or something. </p><p>“Text me the fucking address. I’ll deal with you in person.” He gritted out before hanging up on me. I looked at the empty screen on my phone before sighing and texting Gavin the street the building was on but not the apartment number. I would just wait outside for him. I wouldn’t allow him to come up and start something with the guys since I’d put them through enough already. </p><p>It was 8am. I’d had roughly 3 hours of sleep all night. I was exhausted both mentally and physically and the worst part was that I knew the second I got in the car with Gavin I would be berated for the next few hours until he needed to leave for work. It wouldn’t be the first time.  </p><p>I refused to let myself cry though. I spent all night crying; I wouldn’t let it happened again today...not yet at least. When Gavin picked me up it would be straight poker face. I’d explain to him everything that happened and hope that he would accept it long enough to let me go back to sleep. </p><p>The loud creak of the metal door alerted me to Joji’s presence as he stepped out onto the roof and squinted his eyes at me.  </p><p>“Are you okay?” He asked, raising a hand to shield his eyes from the sun that now hung high in the orange sky. I nodded, forcing a smile that didn’t feel natural on my face. He lifted his other hand that was holding a small box and flipped it open, plucking a single smoke out.  </p><p>“It doesn’t seem like it.” He said calmly from his place over by the door before putting the cigarette between his lips and fishing a lighter out from the same black joggers he was wearing last night. I noticed that he also was not wearing shoes, only black socks and a black sleeveless undershirt. He was head to toe covered in black and it looked so good on him. </p><p>“I’m fine, really.” I assured him, keeping my arms wrapped around my knees. My curled position had tightened the wire of the stupid lingerie and dug into my ribs. I wanted badly to remove the garment and save myself the pain but it was hardly appropriate here. </p><p>George lit his cigarette and stood some distance away from me before coming to sit with his legs outstretched. I copied his position, letting go of my knees and allowing my legs to stretch out in front of me. I studied my legs. Thin muscle wrapped around bone. A bruise on my left shin from who knows where, and the inside of my thigh where the pervert from last night had caressed me. I felt sick. </p><p>The stench of his cigarette met my nose but I didn’t mind it all that much anymore. Not that I liked it, but I was beginning to associate the scent with him in general and it brought me some small, weird comfort. </p><p>“I’m sorry for waking you,” I told him, studying my bare knees now. “I’m sorry for everything.”  </p><p>George blew smoke in the opposite direction before looking down at me. He brought his free hand to my chin, pulling my head up to look at him. His eyes were tired, the bags underneath even darker than they normally were, but he didn’t look upset or annoyed like I expected him to be. His thumb rubbed my chin softly, and the flutters returned tenfold. </p><p>“Please stop saying sorry. You apologize for everything, even if it’s not your fault.” His brown eyes looked down into mine, calm and sincere. “Nothing that happened last night was your fault. I promise.” George leaned forward to press a soft kiss to my forehead and my chest exploded with warmth. I wanted to cry, but not from the guilt or shame, but from the level of comfort and understanding Joji emit and how it was so different in comparison to Gavin. I let out a soft gasp without realizing it at the feel of his lips on my skin. Warm and soft and sending electricity down my spine all the way to the tips of my fingers.  </p><p>
  <span>When he pulled back, his lips lingered on my forehead for a moment before he sat back and placed his cigarette back in his mouth. I sat frozen as I processed the feelings running through me. They only ever came to me when George was around, the tingles and flutters and comfort. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Niki’s words came to the forefront of my mind without my permission.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Do friends sit in friends' laps? Do friends constantly sneak off together to go to lunch or have a smoke or play arcade games just the two of them? Do friends have weird almost kisses and turn red like fucking tomatoes?”</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>No, no, it’s nothing. I have a boyfriend. Sure, Joji is attractive and makes me laugh and feel safe and is always kind to me... and sure, maybe we hang out a lot one on one and held hands last night and the two times I’ve felt his lips on my skin it felt like an explosion of butterflies in my stomach but that doesn’t mean...</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you hungry? I can make you pancakes but I can't guarantee they’ll be any good.” Joji joked, smashing his cigarette into the ground and turning to look at me again with a light smile on his face. He was so tired; it was so obvious. I could see it in his eyes, and yet he was offering to cook me breakfast.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I stared at him, frozen in place. My heart hammered hard against my ribcage, stealing my breath. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Olivia?” George asked, gently nudging my arm with his hand. I flushed and looked away, shaking my head.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“N-no, I’m okay.” I told him, trying and failing to regain control of my erratic heartbeat. I stood, using the ledge of the roof as support and cleared my throat. “I’m uh...Gavin is coming so.” </span>
  
</p><p>Joji stood as well, brushing his pants off and pocketing his cigarette box.  </p><p>“Oh. Okay, well um...I have some shirts you can borrow or you can keep the hoodie if you want.” He offered so sweetly I wondered why I had to leave in the first place.<em>  I should just stay and make breakfast with him.  </em> </p><p><em> “ </em>That’s okay, but thank you. I’ll wash it and give it back.” I didn’t want to give it back, if I was being honest with myself, but there's no way I could ever keep another boy’s jacket and get away with it. It wasn’t even the right thing to do. George nodded but didn’t speak again so I made my way to the door and down the hallway with him right behind me.  </p><p> </p><p>══════ </p><p> </p><p>George opened the blinds in the living room, letting light fill the room so I could find my bag and shoes. Ian and Max were still asleep so we spoke in whispers while putting on our shoes.  </p><p>“Thank you again, for everything.” I told him quietly, tying the laces on my sneakers and dropping my foot back down the floor. I picked up the blanket that he had draped over me last night and folded it neatly, not wanting to leave a mess. Joji slid his heel into his black sneakers and pulled on the tongues of them. </p><p>“Don’t worry about it.” He murmured, sitting back on the couch. I rubbed my left arm with my right hand nervously and looked away. <em> Don’t start getting weird now </em>, I told myself. I could not let whatever mild infatuation I had with George all of a sudden ruin the friendship I’d built with him.  </p><p>My phone buzzed in my pocket with a text, and I was thankful for the distraction before I realized who it was from. </p><p><b> Gav: </b> Im outside where r u?? </p><p>I sighed, standing from the couch. George stood as well and we were standing nearly chest to chest.  </p><p>“Um, he’s here...” I whispered, looking up at George who was looking down at me. He nodded and moved so that I could skirt past him. I picked up my bag from the floor behind the couch and flung it over my shoulder before making my way to the apartment door. </p><p>“I’ll walk you out.” Joji offered, taking the door before I could and opening it wide for me. I stopped in my tracks and frowned at him. </p><p>“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” I was only being honest. I wasn’t positive how Gavin was going to react to seeing George again and I’d rather not find out. If Gavin even recognized him, that is. I never told him that Joji was the man he’d almost fought at Paddy’s, not that I thought he’d even remember anyway. George waved off my concern and walked me down the stairs and out the front door of the building where Gavin was parked on the curb.  </p><p>Upon seeing Joji behind me, Gavin stepped out of the driver’s side and came face to face with me.  </p><p>“Who’s this guy?” Gavin asked, sizing up Joji as if he was already expecting a physical fight.  </p><p>“Joji. He works at the club, I told you this.” I muttered, looking intensely at Gavin and silently begging him to not cause a scene, but he wasn’t looking at me. He was staring dead straight at George. </p><p>“Yeah? And how did you end up sleeping in his fucking apartment all night, huh?” Gavin’s cold glare redirected at me then, as he folded his arms over his chest.  </p><p>“I told you, Ian and Max live here too. We were out until 5 last night because we had to wait for the police and Ian--” I was cut off by Gavin when he rolled his eyes and let out a dry, humorless laugh.  </p><p>“Please Gav, let’s go home and I’ll tell you everything, just please don’t make a scene.” I begged, pushing on Gavin’s chest in the hopes he’d just turn around and get in the car. If this went on any longer, I knew it would be because Gavin was looking for a fight, and I really didn’t want to see it happen with Joji. Not again. </p><p>“A scene? Why? <em> Should </em> I be making a scene?” The taller of the two men asked incredulously. He stepped even closer, his chest bumping me back into Joji.  “Is something going on here?” Gavin’s eyes flashed down my body and then back up quickly, filled with anger. </p><p>“Who’s fucking jacket is that?” He growled, taking another step closer. I shoved hard at him, trying to make him take a step back but my efforts were futile. He was a rock and I was never any match for him physically. My face flushed with embarrassment as he did exactly what I hoped he wouldn’t... he escalated the situation. </p><p>“You fucking my girl?”  </p><p>“Stop it!” I shouted at him. </p><p>“Why don’t you fucking listen to her, dickhead?” Joji spoke for the first time, placing a hand on my waist to push me out from between them. Gavin took the opportunity to saddle up in George’s face. </p><p>“Please, stop.” I begged, pulling at Gavin’s arm. People had stopped on the sidewalk to watch the interaction and were whispering among themselves. I pulled at Gavin’s arm again, digging my nails into his skin so hard it broke skin.  </p><p>“Take that fucking jacket off right now.” Gavin snapped at me angrily. My grip on his arm faltered a bit at his words. I had the lingerie on underneath... Jesus as if this couldn’t look any worse. </p><p> <br/>“I-I can't. Please Gav, let’s just-”  </p><p>“Are you naked underneath?” Gavin’s anger flared up even more, his eyes looking deep into mine with an intensity I’d never seen before. I shook my head and was going to explain before I was cut off once again. </p><p>“Hey bros... what's... going on...?” Chad got out of his car that he’d parked behind Gavin and walked through the small crowd that had gathered to witness our commotion. I had never in my life been happier to see the pasty, bearded man.  </p><p>“George please go inside.” I begged him, squeezing myself between the two men and shoving at Gavin again. Chad came up to us and must have picked up on what was going on because he nudged Joji’s arm with his own. </p><p>“Hey man, let’s go inside, yeah?” He muttered, making eye contact with Gavin behind me. Joji’s eyes finally left Gavin’s to look into mine. </p><p>“Olivia--”  </p><p>“Please,” I begged, hoping he could be reasoned with easier than Gavin could. “Joji, please.”  </p><p>He looked at me with an expression I couldn’t read, or maybe he was reading mine. I wasn’t sure. I was too embarrassed to really think of anything other than getting Gavin home and cutting off the dramatics of this entire situation. Joji frowned and backed off. He took a few steps away from Gavin and I, but kept his eyes only on me.  </p><p>“Yeah, it’s alright mate.” Chad said to his friend as he pulled the apartment building door open and held it open for George. I mouthed thank you to Chad who nodded and pulled Joji into the building before shutting the door. </p><p>“Motherfucker.” Gavin spat, literally, on the concrete and left to go walk back to the car. I followed behind, climbing in the passenger side and wrapping my arms around my stomach as I prepared for what was about to come next. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Disassociation</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Domestic and verbal abuse trigger warning for this chapter</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“-And the little one from yesterday? Never again. I don’t want that bitch in my house ever again!” He’d been yelling for the past 2 hours. We were in the living room in our apartment and I was sitting topless on the couch while he sat in the armchair across from me. He’d forced Joji’s hoodie off of me and when he saw what I was wearing underneath... well, it’s in the trash now. </p><p>“If you let any one of those fuckholes you call friends in here ever again, so help me, Olivia, you will fucking regret it.” He continued menacingly. Though, maybe not as scary as he thought since for the last 45 minutes, I’d been trying to keep my eyes open and not piss him off further by falling asleep. Several times so far, he’d slammed his fist down on the coffee table in front of me when I even looked like I was drifting off and not listening to him.  </p><p>I'd tried telling him about last night as soon as we got in the car. I explained what happened with the old man and the police but he wouldn’t hear my apologies or explanation. I had told myself on the roof that I wouldn’t allow it, but there was no stopping the tears once the floodgate opened. He berated me the rest of the way home and continued to do so now after I received my physical punishment. My head hung, watching his feet while he continued yelling. I liked to go into my head when stuff like this happened. The thoughts used to consist of the beautiful beaches from back home, Disneyland churros, and my grandma’s chocolate chip cookies. Now all I could grasp for was <em> warmth </em>. The memory of warmth, of comfort, of peace. </p><p>“Are you fucking listening?” He snapped. I looked up and apologized to him. “My dad told me not to get with you, and I should’ve listened. All you ever do is want from me. I bust my ass everyday so you can fuck around!” He stood, pacing the room and coming around the couch to stand behind me. </p><p>“You’re selfish.” He hissed in my ear but I didn’t even flinch. Mistake. “Oh, you think you’re tough?” He came back around the front of the couch to bend over and shove his face right in mine. His breath reeked of cheap beer and the scent made my stomach curl. I averted my gaze and forced with all my might not to let any more tears fall. </p><p>“You think you are hot shit now that you have those dumb fuck friends and you get to shake your tits all night in some club?” We hadn't had one of these in a few months. I had gotten too comfortable and allowed myself to talk back. That was my mistake. I shook my head ‘no’ at his question. </p><p>“Liv,” Gavin shifted gears, speaking softly and bending down in front of me. I still wasn’t looking at him so he took my cheek in his hand and forced my attention. “Are you fucking him? The squinty eyed one? Or maybe the fat fuck too?” His voice mocked with a sweet undertone. I felt sick. He let go of me, standing up and grabbing his beer from the coffee table. He’d drank half of the case since we got home.  </p><p>I was so tired in every way imaginable. My eyes closed to savor the lull in between his revile while he was distracted. I likely wouldn’t be going to work tonight, I knew. I would need to let Ethan know.  </p><p>“If you think anyone wants you, you’re delusional,” He hiccupped, dropping the bottle to the floor and shattering it. “You’re a fat fucking slut who only cares about herself. You only took that job for the attention, didn’t you?” He sneered, coming to sit in his armchair again. I covered my naked breasts and stomach, wanting to curl in on myself and disappear. Sometimes I wished I was a bird. Any kind, it doesn’t matter, just so that I could up and fly away anywhere without fear. Or maybe an ant so I could shrink down and hide where he couldn’t find me.  </p><p>“Walking around in that lingerie,” he laughed, reaching for another bottle. “No wonder someone tried touching you. You walk into a fucking sex store and act surprised you got touched when you’re dressed like a whore.”  </p><p>I used to like walking the pier in Santa Monica with my grandad. He would take me fishing there sometimes or buy me cotton candy. My favorite thing was going to the ocean with my grandparents. I haven't been back in so long. </p><p>“You’re worthless. Get out of here, I’m done with you.” He sneered at me angrily. I lifted my head to look into his eyes. “Go call your ching chong friend and cry to him. If he has the balls to come over here, I’ll fucking kill <em> him </em>  and  <em> you </em>.” His threats were empty. He always said stuff like that but he never meant it. He’s drunk but I would not be telling Joji or anyone about this regardless. I didn’t want them to run away like the girls from the café or any of my family or friends in California did when they realized what kind of person Gavin was and the drama that came with being associated with me while I was with him. I retreated to the bedroom, careful to close the door quietly and locked myself in the bathroom. It was the only place I felt where he couldn’t get to me if the alcohol made him violent again. </p><p>I broke down there as quietly as I could. Holding a towel to my mouth to muffle any noise until I ended up falling asleep on the bath mat on the floor.  </p><p> </p><p>══════ </p><p> </p><p>When I woke up the bathroom was pitch black.  </p><p>I sat up slowly, feeling sore all over but whether that was from sleeping on the floor or from what happened earlier, I had no idea. I breathed deeply and sat against the wall in the bathroom as the realization that everything that happened in the last 24 hours was not a dream and was, in fact, very real. The awareness of my situation put a hole in me and once again, I fought tears. </p><p>Temporary. Yes, temporary. </p><p> I stood slowly, immediately feeling a pulsing ache in my head. </p><p>I left the bathroom and quietly slipped out of the bedroom, expecting Gavin to be in the living room passed out or still drinking, but he was gone. Even through the darkness, I could see that there wasn’t a single other person here. I popped my head back in the bedroom, listening for the sound of breathing, but it was dead silent. He must’ve left the apartment.  </p><p>I let out a large breath as I leaned against the doorway of my bedroom. Maybe he went to work, or the bar. It wouldn’t have been the first time he’d went to work completely smashed, after all. I didn’t know where he was but I immediately felt better knowing he wasn’t here. </p><p>When I’d composed myself, I turned on the lights and searched for my bag. Gavin was never one to snoop, so I was confident he hadn't taken it or my phone, but you never know.  </p><p>I finally found it thrown across the room, my wallet and phone lying a few feet from the bag on the floor.  </p><p>I checked the phone. 11:56 pm. I never called out to work or even told anyone that I wouldn’t be there so I had 33 text messages and 9 missed calls. 4 calls and 6 texts were from Joji, 3 calls and 7 texts from Niki, and 1 each from unknown numbers with Brooklyn area codes. I assumed Max, Ian or Chad. When I opened the texts, I had separate texts from everyone, even Chad, asking where I was and if I was okay, along with 20 unread group chat messages. I opened the group chat. </p><p> </p><p>(7:29pm) <b> Nikisucks </b> <b> : </b> Has anyone heard from Liv? </p><p>(7:32pm)<b>  Gay Retard:  </b>not since last night why </p><p>(7:32pm) <b> JojiVlogs </b> <b> :  </b>shes at home </p><p>(7:34pm) <b> Nikisucks </b> <b> :  </b>shes not tho. I was banging on her door for like 30 mins and shes not answering her phone. I usually pick her up for work </p><p>(7:35pm) <b> Maxieboy </b> <b> :  </b>maybe she wants u to fuck off </p><p>(7:36pm) <b> JojiVlogs </b> <b> :  </b>I’ll try calling her </p><p>(7:36pm) <b> Nikisucks </b> <b> : </b> ty </p><p>(7:41pm) <b> JojiVlogs </b> <b> :  </b>no answer. I texted her but shes in this group chat too, she should see these texts </p><p>(7:41pm) <b> Gay Retard: </b> ill try too </p><p>(7:45pm) <b> Nikisucks </b> <b> :  </b>guys I called 3 times shes not answering im really worried </p><p>(7:57pm) <b> JojiVlogs </b> <b> :  </b>just go to work me and max will go to her apt and let u know </p><p>(8:02pm)<b>  Anything4burgers:  </b>do you want me to go too mate? Just in case </p><p>(8:05pm) <b> JojiVlogs </b> <b> :  </b>we’re already on our way its ok </p><p>(8:24pm) <b> Maxieboy </b> <b> :  </b>its completely dark upstairs I don’t think shes home </p><p>(8:36pm) <b> Maxieboy </b> <b> :  </b>georgie is trying to break in lol </p><p>(8:39pm) <b> Maxieboy </b> <b> :  </b>nothing. I don’t think shes home but we’re coming back to the club </p><p>(8:42pm) <b> Nikisucks </b> <b> :  </b>why wouldn’t she say something </p><p>(8:44pm) <b> Gay Retard:  </b>she had a tough night maybe she just fell asleep </p><p>(8:44pm) <b> Niksucks </b> <b> :  </b>what??? What happened?? </p><p>(9:03pm) <b> JojiVlogs </b> <b> :  </b>dont worry about it niki </p><p> </p><p>I’d done it again, somehow, alienated myself from my friends and now they were all worried about me. But I couldn’t face them, at least not tonight. I was mortified. If I saw Joji face to face I would undoubtedly break down and I couldn’t put him through that again.  </p><p>My phone buzzed in my hand with an incoming call from Joji as he undoubtedly noticed I’d read their texts. I let it ring as I carried it to bed and crawled under the cool covers.  </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. Head in the Clouds</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>I woke up the next morning feeling better. My headache was gone and I had finally gotten the full rest I needed after a spotty sleeping schedule the last couple of days.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I took a shower; spending more time than necessary just letting the scorching water soak through my hair. The heat actually helped my sore muscles a little. I noticed small, finger print sized, red spots on my arms and shoulders. They were tender to the touch and would undoubtedly turn purple in the next day or two. I sighed, staring at the tile in the shower. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>At least he knew better than to leave marks on my neck or face where I’d have a harder time explaining them. I’d just have to wear long sleeves for a couple days. The thought was upsetting for many reasons, but mostly because we were due for a heat wave this week and I was not looking forward to wearing long sleeves through it.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I’d come to discover that Gavin had not been home that night, not that I minded. So, I spent the majority of the morning and afternoon trying to pull myself and the apartment together. I cleaned up the empty cans from the living room floor, moped up the spilt liquor, did the laundry and the dishes. I texted Ethan to ask for one more day off and he graciously granted me the time without question. I needed just one more day to straighten myself out and then I’d be okay. I always was. Besides, I was still unsure of the position Gavin was in with allowing me to work at 88. He’d said I wouldn’t be going back, but he could usually be convinced after a day or two. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I had texted my friends sometime after lunch. I had debated all morning what to say; how to explain where I was yesterday or why I wasn’t answering my phone, so I just took the easy way out and texted the group chat to say that I had fallen asleep and my phone died. Then I apologized for worrying anyone and promised to be in touch. I don’t think I fooled Joji or Niki, though. They both sent me separate texts asking if I was okay and if they could see me, which I denied and told them I’d simply see them at work. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Gavin came home that night as I was curled up in bed, staring at the setting sun outside the window. The bedroom door creaked quietly as he emerged from the other side. His eyes met mine before averting to the floor. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oliva, I...” He whispered. This is how it went every single time. I should have been tired; I should have been unwilling to forgive after countless the apologies and promises he’s betrayed. Yet, as he sided up to my bedside and took my hand, I looked into the eyes of the boy I once loved.</span>
  <em>
    <span> I’m an idiot.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry honey. I shouldn’t have said what I said or did what I did. It’s just, you know, my anger and the alcohol, I can't-...you know I love you, right?” He pulled my hand to clutch between both of his and I felt nothing. I said nothing, but he took it as acceptance and curled in bed beside me. Like the vacuum of space, the air was sucked out of the room we were in, but he ignored it and began talking to me about movies and work. I felt like I couldn’t breathe.</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>══════</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The next morning Niki texted me with an offer to bring me lunch but I declined. I spent the entire morning in bed, sometimes staring at the wall and occasionally scrolling through my phone.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span> I was growing tired of feeling sorry for myself so I swore off crying as a first step. I just needed to shake the humiliation that constantly lingered in my thoughts. The bruises on my body were already fading so at least the next time I saw my friends they would be barely visible. Some makeup should be enough to completely hide them. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I pulled the covers up over my shoulders and was about to take my 3</span>
  <span>rd</span>
  <span> nap today when my phone vibrated under my pillow. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <b>
    <span>Joji</span>
  </b>
  <span>: Hi</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I sighed and locked the phone again, closing my eyes and hoping sleep would find me soon. My dreams had been a mixed bag the last couple of nights. Sometimes they were reworked versions of my memories, making me relive nights I buried deep down and forcing me awake in a cold sweat and tears. And other times they were good. Occasionally I had dreams of gossiping with Niki, laughing at Max and Chad’s name calling, and chatting with Ian at the bar. Whenever they spoke in my dreams it was always gibberish. That’s how I knew I was dreaming and the second I realized it, I would wake up. Last night was the worst...or best dream I’d ever had. Sitting on the rooftop with Joji. He was talking to me about something that I couldn’t remember as clouds moved unnaturally fast in the pink sky above us. I wanted to stay there forever and listen to his voice... his jokes...stare at his eyes when they crinkled in the corners as he laughed. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>My pillow buzzed again just as I was falling. I pulled my phone out from under my head to look at the notification.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <b>
    <span>Joji: </span>
  </b>
  <span>P</span>
  <span>lease talk to me</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I rolled over onto my back and stared at his text. Guilt slapped me in the face for ignoring him, especially after everything he’d done for me. He didn’t deserve any of this dramatic bullshit. None of them did. My efforts at keeping it contained were hurting them.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <b>
    <span>O:</span>
  </b>
  <span> Hi</span>
  
</p><p>
  <b>
    <span>Joji: </span>
  </b>
  <span>Pineapples belong on pizza</span>
  
</p><p>
  <b>
    <span>O</span>
  </b>
  <span>: Jail</span>
  
</p><p>
  <b>
    <span>Joji: </span>
  </b>
  <span>H</span>
  <span>aha ok </span>
  <span>its</span>
  <span> definitely you</span>
  
</p><p>
  <b>
    <span>O: </span>
  </b>
  <span>What</span>
  
</p><p>
  <b>
    <span>Joji: </span>
  </b>
  <span>Just making sure </span>
  <span>its</span>
  <span> really you</span>
  
</p><p>
  <b>
    <span>Joji: </span>
  </b>
  <span>Y</span>
  <span>ou left your lily in Ian’s car</span>
  
</p><p>
  <b>
    <span>O</span>
  </b>
  <span>: Oh crap </span>
  <span>im</span>
  <span> sorry. Please keep it safe till I can get it</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>To be honest, I’m somewhat glad I forgot it. I don’t know what Gavin </span>
  <span>would've</span>
  <span> thought about it but seeing as how he trashed the lingerie and </span>
  <em>
    <span>tried</span>
  </em>
  <span> to trash George’s hoodie, I could only imagine he would’ve done the same to my plant.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <b>
    <span>Joji:</span>
  </b>
  <span> Lol ok</span>
  
</p><p>
  <b>
    <span>Joji: </span>
  </b>
  <span>W</span>
  <span>hen are you coming back to work? Everyone misses you</span>
  
</p><p>
  <b>
    <span>O: </span>
  </b>
  <span>H</span>
  <span>opefully tomorrow and I know</span>
  
</p><p>
  <b>
    <span>Joji</span>
  </b>
  <span>: Hopefully?</span>
  
</p><p>
  <b>
    <span>O</span>
  </b>
  <span>: </span>
  <span>im</span>
  <span> just trying to work on stuff here you know but </span>
  <span>ill</span>
  <span> see you guys soon</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>A lump formed in my throat. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply before the next text came in.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <b>
    <span>Joji: </span>
  </b>
  <span>C</span>
  <span>an I pick you up for breakfast tomorrow? </span>
  
</p><p>
  <b>
    <span>Joji:</span>
  </b>
  <span> Or dinner tonight? </span>
  
</p><p>
  <b>
    <span>Joji:</span>
  </b>
  <span> Or breakfast for dinner?</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I couldn’t hold back the smile that formed on my lips as I read his messages. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He’s so cute</span>
  </em>
  <span>. My smile fell just quickly as it formed as I realized I was actually considering sneaking out to be with him. Um, hang out with him, I mean. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <b>
    <span>O</span>
  </b>
  <span>: </span>
  <span>im</span>
  <span> sorry I </span>
  <span>cant</span>
  <span> but </span>
  <span>ill</span>
  <span> see you tomorrow and we can talk then?</span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I hate myself.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <b>
    <span>Joji: </span>
  </b>
  <span>ok...</span>
  <span>ill</span>
  <span> see you then</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I groaned and rolled back over, burying my face in the pillow and hoping it would suffocate me.</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>══════</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Later that night I was sitting in bed, to no one's surprise, eating pretzels and watching a really interesting documentary about the cosmos on Netflix. Gavin was snoring loudly beside me after getting home from work and arguing with me about the chicken alfredo I made for dinner. He went to bed upset so I kept to myself until he finally fell asleep and I could put the TV on. The volume was low so as to not wake him and create more problems for myself.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Tap</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I turned, startled, and stared out the window beside my head but saw nothing but the dark sky outside and the reflection of my tv. There were no storm clouds so it couldn’t have been rain or hail. Hesitantly, I turned back around to the television and picked up another pretzel from the bag.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Tap</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>There it was again. I looked at the window and waited for the sound. Nothing happened for a few seconds until I saw a tiny object fly at the window and make another-</span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Tap</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>As quietly as possible, I moved the pretzel bag away from me so I could pull myself out of bed and look outside. It was too dark to see anything but as another tiny object flew and hit the glass in front of my face, I jolted back. Someone was down there. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I opened the window as quietly as I could and leaned my head out. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi.” A voice came from the street below. I squinted my eyes, barely able to make out the figure of a person standing under my window, shielded by darkness. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Another crackhead.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Go away.” I groaned, pulling my head back inside and raising my arms to close the window when the voice called out to me again.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait! Olivia, please!” I froze when the person called my name and looked back down just as the person moved away from my window to step under the street lamp. The figure was illuminated with orange light as he looked up at me. A man with messy hair was wearing a white button-down shirt and a black tuxedo jacket and holding a bouquet of flowers in his hand. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Joji?” I called out into the night, forgetting that I was supposed to be quiet. The man under the streetlight grinned.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Come down,” He said. I pulled my head back in to look over at Gavin who was still snoring loudly. Was I going to do this? Sneak out of my apartment when my boyfriend was sleeping? It’s wrong. I shouldn’t...</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay.” I told him before closing the window and tip toeing out of my bedroom to meet the boy downstairs like a teenager doing something I wasn’t supposed to. </span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>══════</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I pushed open the door downstairs, leaving the apartment for the first time in a few days. George was sitting on the steps in front of me but stood the second he heard me opening the door. He immediately took me into a hug so tight and so warm that I thought I would cry. I skimmed my hands under his jacket, feeling the fabric of his tucked shirt as I slid my hands to his back and embraced him. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay? I’m so happy to see you.” He laughed dryly, rubbing his cheek against the top of my head, rustling my hair. My heart leapt at the contact and I recognized the stirrings of butterflies in my stomach. I nodded, pressing my face into his chest and savoring the warmth and comfort that always came with being around him. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry.” I whispered before he pulled me away and grabbed my face to look at him. One of his hands still held a bouquet of flowers in them as he cupped my head, his thumbs around my ears and his hands sliding through my hair to hold the back of my head. I didn’t care if he got flowers or leaves in my hair with the way he was looking at me.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Stop saying sorry.” He said seriously. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“But--”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“No.” He wouldn’t let me apologize even though I needed to. I’d put him through so much for absolutely no reason and he was still here, still comforting me. Why? He pulled my head back to his chest and wrapped his arms around my shoulders. My racing heart forced me to take deep breaths of air, his scent filling my nostrils and lungs, making me dizzy. All consuming. My eyes fluttered closed.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>After a few minutes, he let go of me and took a single step down the stairs, holding his hand that held the flowers out to me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I-… I don’t know. I thought you might like these.” His bouquet consisted of beautiful red roses and baby's-breath tied together and wrapped in white paper and clear plastic. I’m sure it was too dark to tell, but my face flushed at his gesture and I accepted them gratefully.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, they’re beautiful.”  I whispered, taking the flowers from his hand and holding them to my body. He grinned happily for a second before snapping out of it and taking another step down.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, um, so I know you said I’d see you tomorrow but I was never going to wait that long, so I’m here to take you to dinner.” He said, gesturing to his black car that was parked across the street. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“George...” I began with a sigh. He seemed to have anticipated my hesitance though, because he walked back up the steps to wrap an arm around me and push me forward. Dear God help me if Gavin finds out.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Please.” He begged, holding me tightly against his side as he walked us down the sidewalk. I looked up at him with a frown.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m in pajamas, Joji.” I told him as he escorted me across the street and opened the </span>
  <span>passenger</span>
  <span> door open for me. He shook his he</span>
  <span>a</span>
  <span>d at my excuse.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s fine, no one will see you.” He waited for me to fully climb into the car before shutting the door gently and walking around the front to the driver’s side door. I laid the roses down in my lap as I buckled my seatbelt and adjusted the strap. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Where are we going?” I asked when he got in the car. He shifted into drive and looked over his shoulder for any other vehicles in his blind spot before safely pulling out onto the road.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ll see.” George grinned at me.</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0025"><h2>25. You're Such a Dream</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>After a 20 minute ride full of polite conversation, we arrived. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>George stepped out first, telling me to wait in the car and I obeyed. He rounded the car and pulled open the trunk before walking away, out into the darkness. I still had no idea where we were or if I was about to be murderer but at this point, I wouldn’t have minded, honestly. I was in my pajamas still, a thin cotton robe, a baggy blue t shirt that barely stayed on both of my shoulders, gray sweatpants, and an old pair of white sneakers. I hadn't expected for Joji to whisk me away from the apartment so I wasn’t dressed properly to be outside.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Minutes later, the passenger door opened and Joji stood aside, holding it open for me. I smiled gratefully at him and left my roses on the dashboard before exiting the car. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Where are we?” I asked, pulling the robe closed and wrapping my arms around my body. George chuckled, walking beside me as he led me away from the car and onto a path. We walked down the pavement together until lights came through from behind trees. The New York city skyline opened up in front of us, shining brilliantly. My footsteps faltered a bit at the sight, but Joji continued on, walking towards a row of benches on the concrete that faced the river. They went on along the riverfront, illuminated by light posts. George began pulling stuff out of plastic bags that were sitting on the bench and waved me over. My feet complied, slowly moving to go sit with him. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t know what you like but I figure everyone likes pizza.” Joji said, pulling open the lid of the pizza box that sat between us. I was stunned at the setup; staring at the small picnic he provided and the beautiful location he chose to have it. My heart erupted like I knew it would someday by consequence of being near him; I just didn’t know it would be so soon. Butterflies burst free, filling my stomach and chest with warms and flutterings. I had never in my life, and I do mean never, felt such intensity before, nor had I ever been treated like this.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You did this for </span>
  <em>
    <span>me</span>
  </em>
  <span>?”  I was nearly on the verge of tears from the emotions that flourished inside me. He looked timid as a smile pulled up on one side of his mouth as he ran a hand through his messy black hair. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. I uh, figured you could use it after the shitty week you had.” He shrugged like it was nothing. I closed the pizza box to lean over and wrap my arms around his waist, holding him tight. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you.” My voice was barely above a whisper, so low I wasn’t sure he even heard it. He let me hold him, even rubbing my back in soothing circular motions with his thumbs. My eyes closed as I struggled to savor the moment. Everything from the sounds of the riverfront to the heat of the pizza box on my stomach. I took a deep breath and pulled away, feeling more than a little embarrassed at having embraced him so brazenly... though I’m sure he’d be used to it by now.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>We sat facing the East river that separated Brooklyn from New York and watched as a ferry sailed by. George opened the pizza box again and offered me a slice. I accepted gratefully, taking a bite and watching him lift a slice for himself. Before he could take a bite, the cheese slid clean off the bread and landed with a splat on the concrete below us. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I laughed out loud and covered my mouth so I wouldn’t spit food out. Joji look dumbfounded, looking at the cheese and pepperoni that covered the floor. His face was so cute I wanted to take a picture so I could remember it forever. He turned to me, watching me laughing at him and let out a laugh of his own. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>A tiny bird came out flying down, hopping under the bench we were sitting on and creeped closer to the pizza on the floor. George moved his foot away from the mess and the little bird came hopping closer. George picked up a fresh slice and took a bite while he watched the bird and chuckled. I hadn't taken more than a couple of bites as I was watching him. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Where I was and what I was doing wasn’t okay</span>
  <span>.</span>
  <span> I shouldn’t have been here...but when I looked at his face, I couldn’t imagine being anywhere else. I wanted to stay with him. I wanted to follow him wherever he went. I gulped dryly at the thoughts that ran through my head. I wasn’t thinking right</span>
  <em>
    <span>. </span>
  </em>
  <span>My mind was heading into dangerous territory and I knew it, but I couldn’t stop. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>George finally looked back at me as he finished his slice and his eyes glanced down at the barely touched pizza in my hand. His gaze shot back up to mine.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s wrong?” He asked seriously, rubbing his hands together to rid them of crumbs. I wasn’t really that hungry anymore, not with the amount of twisting my stomach was doing; but I didn’t want to waste his time or money by not eating the food so I continued nibbling anyway and shook my head no at him. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You know,” Joji started, closing the lid of the pizza box. “I kinda sprung this on you out of nowhere. I won't be upset if you’re not hungry.” He looked up at me, smiling gently. I finished chewing before putting the half eaten slice on top of the box and looking at him sheepishly.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m s--,” I stopped myself from saying the words he’d banned me from saying and smiled. “I’m not hungry, you’re right.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>George grinned widely and shook his head, taking the rest of my pizza and tossing it to the ground where the little bird leapt on it frantically. I took one of the water bottles that George brought for us and stood from the bench, walking over to the fence.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Can we stay? Just a little bit longer?” I pleaded, hoping I didn’t sound so desperate. I leaned forward over the rail, staring out into the dark water and watching the lights flicker over the rippling surface. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course.” Joji stood, coming to join me and leaning up against the rail under the light of the lamp post. He looked so good in that tuxedo jacket. I don’t think I would ever be able to look at him in casual clothing ever again without being disappointed. The memory of Joji in formal attire standing under the streetlight outside my apartment, grinning up at me as he held a bouquet of roses is one that will forever be etched into my mind. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span> Boats chimed out on the river, the only discernable features being their ringing bells and tiny lights that blinked in every direction. The distant sound of honking and sirens could be heard from the city, which was almost comforting to me at this point. A reminder that I was far from home, yet still so close. I closed my eyes and breathed in the warm air, feeling completely at peace. George turned around to face the water as well and leaned his forearms on the railing. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“There’s a roller rink and a park down there, I think. We can go sometime.” He said casually. I was growing frustrated with myself. I knew what I wanted but I didn’t know if it was right. Certainly the way I was pursuing it was wrong, I knew that, but did it make me a bad person to not fucking care anymore?</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I took a deep breath and let go of the railing to face him. My heart was pounding so hard I wouldn’t be surprised if he could hear it. Joji looked at me over his shoulder and flashed me a smile. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Why are you so nice to me?” I whispered, looking deeply into his eyes as they filled with confusion. He left the rail to stand in front of me. The top of his head was illuminated like a halo by the light above us. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Why not?” He answered, looking back into my eyes. I felt myself moving closer to him without my knowledge, my hands just barely brushed against his as they hung at his sides. He took my hands in his without question and I was engulfed in warmth. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t deserve it.” I rasped quietly. I didn’t mean to sound so dramatic and immediately regret the words the second they tumbled out. Joji’s face hardened at my words and his hands dropped mine. He cupped my jaw with both of his warm hands and pulled my face up so he had my full attention. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Why would you say that? Hm?” He furrowed his eyebrows, but even with the grim look he gave me, his eyes were still kind. Always kind. His eyes scanned mine, sweet chocolate orbs peering deeply into my soul. Maybe I could give in to those eyes, god. Maybe they were worth the risk. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Am I capable of such a thing?</span>
  </em>
  <span> My eyes flickered down to his full lips. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Heat pooled in my face as his thumb smooth over my cheek and he held my face in his hands. So warm. My heart was rocketing </span>
  <span>around</span>
  <span> my ribcage, slamming against my chest in a desperate attempt at compensating for the amount blood that was occupying my face. How could I be thinking of him like this? Especially after this week and after what happened with Gavin. Well...</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>If I was being honest with myself, which was never good, this week had only solidified my admiration for George. Now, here we were, facing the New York city skyline with his face only inches from mine. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I was so consumed by my own thoughts that I had barely registered Joji leaning towards me and pressing his soft, warm lips to my forehead. My eyes closed as the touch sent tiny sparks of electricity down my spine and to my fingertips. A tight knot formed in my throat and tears threatened to spill from my eyes at the intense emotions that filled me in that moment.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He lingered, or so I imagined, before pulling away and wrapping his warm around my shoulder, pulling me against his side. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You think too little of yourself.” He commented, facing the water with me. I didn’t dare speak again, at least not yet, so I stayed quiet and enjoyed the moment. I decided to take a chance and drop my head against his side, pushing up against the fabric of his tuxedo jacket. His arm tightened around my shoulders, telling me he was accepting of my proximity to him. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>We stayed like that for a little bit, watching the city breathe, the boats tug by, the water of the river dance as the light of the moon reflected off of it. It felt like a dream and I hoped I’d never wake up. </span>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0026"><h2>26. Yeah Right</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>For the first time in a long time, I didn’t feel older than I was. If anything, I felt younger, like a teenager doing something I wasn’t supposed to...but it was fun.  </p><p>When Joji brought me back home last night, he’d walked me up to my door and made sure I got back inside alright before stepping back down the steps and nearly tripping. His foot slipping off the bottom step before he caught himself on the rail and grinned at me.  </p><p>“I’ll see you.” He told me, shoving his hands into his pants pockets and making his way back to the car. I stood for a moment in the open doorway, watching him drive away until he completely disappeared. When I eventually did manage to drag myself upstairs and inside my apartment, I bit my lip to keep the shriek that threatened to spill out and wake Gavin and the entire building.  </p><p>After collecting myself, I quietly made my way to the kitchen where there was a single flower vase stored under the sink. I filled the vase with water and unwrapped the flowers, placing them inside the vase. I set them on the window sill above the sink where they could get the most sunlight. Beautiful, full roses, vibrant and full of promise inside of a glass vase that hadn’t been filled in nearly 2 years. I briefly considered the fact that Gavin might take notice of them and ask questions... but I couldn’t stand the thought of letting George’s beautiful gift die. When I got my lily back from him, I’d be sure to give it the best chance at surviving as well.   </p><p>I went to bed feeling conflicted. The giddiness overwhelmed everything else, but there was still the underlying nagging of guilt and fear that stirred inside.  </p><p> </p><p>I went to work the next night like normal, excited to see my friends and ready to apologize for my absence. After the incident at home, I didn’t push my luck with Gavin as far as work or... anything really. He said nothing as I walked out the door, so I assumed his comment about my not being allowed to work at 88 anymore was just another one of the nasty things he said but didn’t mean. We hadn't spoken all that much since he’d apologized. I could tell he wanted to move on from it all, so I didn’t bring it up either. He was never great at apologies; the small one I got the other day was more than I had expected from him and was all I would get.  </p><p>Everyone welcomed me back from my minor interval and we all fell back into routine like normal. I caught Niki up on everything that happened but refused to let her take the blame even though she tried. She apologized adamantly anyway and promised never to leave me in the care of Max and Ian again. I had to laugh at that. I decided, however, that I was best not to mention anything about my home life to Niki or the boys. The last thing I wanted was to attract more attention to Gavin or myself. So, when Niki had asked why the need for my break, I used the assault at the shop as the reason, which it was...partially. It was a packed week, that’s for sure, but the little bit of sunshine that was getting me through it was currently smiling and waving at me from across the room. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I returned home from work on Sunday night, exhausted after a busy night waiting packed tables and getting beer spilled on me by a woman who thought I was flirting with her boyfriend. I was grumpy, to say the least, as I walked through the front door of my apartment. My feet hurt, I had a mild headache, and a damp shirt that reeked of alcohol.  </p><p>The first thing I saw was Gavin sitting on the couch in our living room with a controller in his hands and a grimace on his face. Great. I sighed quietly, slipping my sneakers off at the door and closing it behind me. Gavin looked up only briefly before returning his gaze to the television. </p><p>“Hey, get me another drink babe.” The request wasn’t malicious and I knew that but oh did it irk me. The coffee table in front of him already had 3 empty bottles which told me he’d only just started. </p><p>“Why are you up? You have work tomorrow.” I told him calmly, setting my bag down on the floor and moving to the kitchen to grab his drink.  </p><p>“I feel like it.” Was all I got in response. I rolled my eyes while my head ducked in the fridge. I brought the cold glass bottle back to him, placing it on the table and sitting on the armchair across from him. I looked at the tv, watching for a few minutes as his character moved across the screen, ducking into buildings and collecting gear. I looked back at him, watching his focused eyes dart around before they finally met mine.  </p><p>“What's up?” He asked, picking up the bottle and cracking the lid off against the edge of the wood coffee table. The drink fizzled as it met the air and bubbled to the neck of the bottle before being downed in only a few gulps.  </p><p>“I was just wondering how your sessions have been going?” I asked hesitantly. The last thing I wanted to do was piss him off but it had been a week since everything went down that I thought it might be safe to start talking about his mental health again. He glanced at me and I saw it. He was annoyed. </p><p>“I haven't been going.” He answered nonchalantly but his brows were furrowed in obvious frustration. I had to tread carefully if I didn’t want to mess this up so I took a deep breath and thought about what I wanted to say before I spoke again. </p><p>“Oh. May I ask why?”  </p><p>His hands gripped the controller a little tighter and I saw him visibly tense before he cracked his neck and looked back at the tv.  </p><p>“They weren't helping me, I told you this. I talk and they send me home with pills. Some fuckin help.” He grunted. I pulled my mouth into a tight line as I fought off my own frustration. This was a never ending cycle with Gavin. He’d promise to better himself and attend his sessions and then he’d stop after coming up with some excuse. Before his excuse was that he didn’t like his counselor and so we found him a new one and now he had thrown in the towel before even telling me.  </p><p>“Have you been taking the pills?” I didn’t even need to ask; I already knew the answer. His face gave him away as well as he quickly glanced at me and then away.  </p><p>“No.”  </p><p>I sat back, digging my fingers into my knees and reminding myself that I could not escalate this.  </p><p>“If you took the pills they gave you, Gavin, that is the help. You need to take them and reschedule for another session.” I brought my feet up on the chair with me and rubbed at my sore heel with my thumb. He didn’t look at me, instead gifting all of his attention to his game that was clearly more important than his mental state.  </p><p>“Don’t want to.” He mumbled, clicking rapidly on his controller. I buried my knuckle into the soft sole of my foot, and shook my head at his words.  </p><p>“I can’t keep up with your mood swings. Please don’t make us go through this again, just take the pills.” I sighed, letting the words spill out of my mouth. His eyes darted back over to mine and he was angry now.  </p><p>“Then don’t! What do you want from me? I see the stupid fucking therapist and all she does is spew shit just like you. If you don’t want to deal with it, fucking leave.” He spat, glaring hard at me like I’d just insulted him.  </p><p>“I just want you to be consistent with your appointments, Gav. You’d see a difference if you kept it up longer than a few weeks...” I bit my lip after saying that last part. It was full of passive aggression and I knew he’d pick up on it. His glare never let up on me, but he redirected it back to the tv after a minute. </p><p>“Sorry I can’t do anything right.” He hissed at the tv. I unfurled my legs from underneath me and stood up. I couldn’t make any progress with him when he said shit like that, it was his way of gaslighting me and I knew it. I sighed as I walked around the chair and made my way to the bedroom. After a shower and change of clothes I went to bed alone. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The next night we had game night and after 2 rounds of cards against humanity, someone brought up Joji’s upcoming birthday. </p><p>“Yeah, when was it again? The 16th or the 18th? I can never bloody remember.” Max huffed, taking a swig from his beer and sitting back against the couch. Niki knelt in front of me on the floor, shuffling the deck of cards for round three.  </p><p>“16th.” George reminded him, scrolling lazily through his phone. He sat to the right of me on the couch, Max on his right and Ian on my left </p><p>“Pretty sure it’s the 18th.” Ian commented, earning an eye roll from Joji and a laugh from Chad who was smoking a backwoods on the other side of Max.  </p><p>“Sure, whatever.” Joji mumbled, not bothering to look up from his phone.  </p><p>“Well shit, what are we gonna do?” Max asked, looking at Joji who simply shrugged before redirecting his question at me and Ian.  </p><p>“Cmon Georgey, what are we doing this year? Strip club again?” Ian teased, sitting forward with his elbows on his knees to see Joji around me. George reacted instantly to Ian’s words, his finger pausing above the phone screen and turning his head to look at us.  </p><p>“I-...no, you guys just pick, I don’t care.” He grunted, turning back to his phone. Max sat forward excitedly, beer in hand and a wide grin on his face.  </p><p>“Ya hear that? We get free pick! Sounds like Vegas to me!” Max suggested, much to Niki’s annoyance. From the floor before me, she held her hands up, catching everyone’s attention. </p><p>“I, for one, don’t feel like blowing thousands of dollars. So, no.” She interjected, lowering her hands back down and continuing her previous task.  Max glared at her. Beside me, Joji’s lips pulled into a small smile as he listened to the exchange. </p><p>“I, for one, don’t give a fuck what you want. I want hookers and blow.” Max argued back, halting Niki’s actions once again. Ian cleared his throat to my left. </p><p>“I actually agree with Niki. Vegas is expensive as hell and -” Ian was cut off when Max and Chad groaned in defeat. </p><p>“Fine, oh my god. Pussies.” Max whined, sitting back again and taking another deep gulp of his beer. Niki stuck her tongue out at him as she straightened the deck of cards in her hand and began passing them out.  </p><p>“How about Niagara? That way you can go to the casino and we can stay within the state.” Niki suggested.  </p><p>“Niagara? That shits a tourist trap.” Max dismissed, waving a hand in her direction.  </p><p>“Who cares! I’ve never been and it’s got what we all want.” She argued again, pointing at Ian, George, and Chad. </p><p>“I guess,” Max groaned, looking in our direction. “George?”  </p><p>Beside me Joji cleared his throat and a weak “Yeah?” came out as he looked up from his phone. Niki turned her head, furrowing her brows at George’s creaky response. </p><p>“Niagara for your birthday? How’s it sound, mate?” Max asked with a bored, if not pleading expression. Clearly, he wasn’t all too interested in the idea. Joji nodded, glancing back down at his phone and locking the screen until it went black. </p><p>“Sounds good.” George agreed. Niki smiled, pleased with the answer and did a little dance with her middle fingers up at Max who rolled his eyes. </p><p>“Can we play something else at least?” Max groaned.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0027"><h2>27. If You Hear Me, Count to Four</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“I feel like we should do something more fun though. Games are boring.” Niki said. I looked up from the pavement at her. We were sitting on the curb outside of a tiny mom and pop gelato shop downtown. The heat was dry today with little to no wind to alleviate us. Niki had a cup with two scoops of mint green colored pistachio gelato. Her tiny white spoon dipped into the cup, taking an equally tiny scoop of ice cream and bringing it to her lips. I stretched my legs out onto the street beside Niki.  </p><p>“Like what?” I asked, glancing back down at the cream that dripped down my hand as my gelato melted under the scalding sun and onto the concrete below me. I tried my best to clean the mess up with napkins before giving up and licking the rim of my cone.  </p><p>“I don’t know. Summer is almost over, maybe we should take advantage of some sun. I could use some color.” She pulled her thin arm up and examining her skin. As if we weren't getting sun right now. </p><p>“The pool?” I suggested just as Ian and George emerged from the shop behind us. I looked over my shoulder at them before looking back at Niki. </p><p>“Ew, no. The beach, maybe? Oh, a trip to the Montauk!” Her excited voice carried over to the boys who opted to sit at the wrought iron chairs in front of the shop behind us.  </p><p>“Fuck no, I’m not driving to Montauk.” Ian grunted, pocketing his wallet and digging into his cup of -what looked to be chocolate-gelato. George pulled out the chair across from Ian and took a seat, his eyes meeting mine briefly before dipping to his cup. </p><p>“Fine. What about the Hamptons?” Niki’s brows furrowed as she turned her body completely to face our friends. Ian laughed at her with a mouth full of ice cream and swallowed before speaking. </p><p>“Are you fuckin dumb? It’s just as far. No.” He rolled his eyes. I felt something cold running down my hand and I turned back around to catch a bead of white ice cream roll down my skin. I licked at the sweet cream, savoring the sweetness on my tongue.  </p><p>“We could go to Brighton.” Joji chimed. I returned to the conversation, glancing at Niki just as she shot a dirty look at George. </p><p>“No, ew, there’s so many people there!” Niki argued. Ian brows rose to his forehead with disbelief.  </p><p>“What? You were fine with Niagra but Coney Island is too far?” He asked incredulously. I hid my grin behind my ice cream so as to not impose Niki’s wrath on myself. She threw her hands up, cup and all, in the air as she continued arguing with Ian, but I diverted my attention back to the sweet treat in my hand that was sadly losing its battle with the sun and would be liquid if I didn’t eat it soon.  </p><p>I swiped my tongue around the cone, spinning it in my hand until I had successfully licked up every drip and brought my attention to the top of the cone where salted caramel drizzled on top. I watched the cars driving in the street in front of me and missed the one drip that splattered down on my bare thigh below my shorts. </p><p>I looked down, spotting the tiny white bead as it continued its journey rolling down my thigh between my legs.  </p><p>“Shit.” I muttered under my breath, grabbing the discarded napkin beside me and wiping the gelato away until another drip landed on my chest. Another tiny droplet started rolling down between my cleavage before I wiped at it. The stickiness lingered, catching on my napkin and I sighed. The gelato was melting down my hand again, quickly making its way down my fist and compelling me to lick it up before it made a mess all over me.  </p><p>I rolled the cone against my tongue again, trying to buy myself more time before it dripped again. I licked the top of the ice cream, catching some of the salty sweet caramel with my tongue and pulling it back between my lips.  </p><p>“Are you alright, man?” Ian’s voice caught my attention and I looked over my shoulder behind me at him as he glowered at George. I followed his line of sight down to Joji’s hand that had been steadily crushing a waffle cone and spilling gelato all over the table. </p><p>I met Joji’s gaze for only a split second before he looked away down at his hand. He seemed surprised at what he’d done and stood from his seat, pushing the iron chair back with a loud screech.  </p><p>“Water.” He mumbled, and carried his ice cream with him as he walked back into the gelato shop. Ian’s eyes found mine and the corner of his mouth pulled up like he wanted to smile. Niki didn’t have as much self control, however, as laughed out loud, throwing her head back. I was confused at what had happened that was so funny but I didn’t have enough time to think about it as I felt another cold drop hit my thigh. </p><p>“Oh shit.” I frowned as my ice cream was now half melted and splattering down everywhere.  </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>An hour later we were walking Prospect Park, strolling slowly down the sidewalk with no real direction. Ian and Niki were a bit ahead of us, talking among themselves. I listened for a little bit to their conversation about the beach and the plans for George’s birthday before losing interest. George himself was keeping pace beside me with his hands in his pockets and studying the ground. </p><p>A man on a bicycle zipped past us, coming dangerously close to Joji, enough to ruffle the bottom of his shirt. I don’t think he noticed or minded though, as his eyes still trained to the ground.  </p><p>We walked beneath a grove of trees that cast relief from the baking sun with their shade and I sighed. Joji looked up then, his brown eyes meeting mine and offering me a polite smile. I returned it, clasping my hands together in front of me as we walked and looking away. There was a lake some distance ahead of us where I assumed Ian and Niki were leading us. The blue water peeked out from between trees in the distance, twinkling and glimmering under the sun.  </p><p>A woman in a tiny sports bra jogged up to us, her eyes roaming George before she moved on. I looked over my shoulder, catching her eyeing him still until her eyes locked with mine and she turned back around to continue running.  I had no right letting that little occurrence make me feel the way it did... but here I was, annoyed with the way she looked at him. Jogging past us and bouncing all over, eyeing Joji like he was her next meal. I glared at the ground, willing the jealousy away. I had no right. None whatsoever.  </p><p>“Livya?” Niki called me using the newest nickname she dubbed me after discovering my distaste for it. I looked up at her as she stopped walking so I could catch up. She fell in between George and I and continued walking with us. </p><p>“Mhm?”  </p><p>“I hope it’s not inconsiderate of me to ask, but I was wondering what was going on with your case against that homeless guy.” Niki spoke a little softer. Ian turned around, walking backwards to listen for my answer. My mouth set in a tight line and without realizing it, I’d wrapped my arms around my middle.  </p><p>“It’s fine. We’re still waiting for a judge to set a date. Until then I guess the guy is in jail.” I replied, trying to keep my voice steady and not let the nerves give me away. The topic wasn’t one I liked to be reminded of but I knew Niki meant no harm by asking. She nodded and tugged hard on my right arm until it fell from my body.  </p><p>“I’m sorry.” She said, taking my arm with hers and strolling alongside me.  </p><p> </p><p>When we reached the lake, Niki and Ian found a machine that exchanged bird seed for quarters and they stood by the water, throwing food to the ducks and geese that gathered along the shore. I found a nice spot beneath a giant shady oak tree and watched them. Niki lit up with laughed as one of the geese puffed its feathers up and tried to nip at Ian’s legs. He yelped, jumping back and started yelling obscenities at the bird. Niki was in tears, curled over in the grass as she watched the scene. I grinned as I watched Ian run behind a tree and lift his leg threatened to kick the animal. The goose flapped its large wings at him and honked loudly.  </p><p>“I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.” Joji laughed, taking a seat under the shade to my left. I smiled, looking at him and then back over at Ian who was being laughed at by passerby's as well.  </p><p>“Ian comes to harass the wildlife often?” I asked, bringing my knees up to my chest and resting my folded arms on top of my knees. </p><p>“More often than you’d believe. It’s usually him and Max though.” George leaned back against the trunk of the tree behind us. “This one time they gave the geese a dildo and filmed it running around with the dick in its beak. Max about pissed himself.” </p><p>“Why would they do that?” I laughed, imagining the two boys rolling on the ground in tears much like Niki was doing now.  </p><p>“Content.” He replied simply and the smile faded from his face. I heard in passing that Ian, Max, and Chad made videos so this information didn’t come as a surprise to me. What bothered me was how uncomfortable Joji always looked when they were talking about it. I wanted to ask him, and I was about to before he spoke again.  </p><p>“So, the homeless guy is in jail. That’s good.” He said. I nodded in agreement, suddenly feeling just as uncomfortable then as he must have felt a minute ago. I pulled my arms down from my knees and wrapped them around my middle once again. It was a move I learned long before I met Gavin and quickly became my go-to coping method. </p><p>“What did your boyfriend say about it?” George asked as he ripped grass from the ground in front of him.  </p><p>He said I had it coming walking into that place dressed as I was. </p><p>I couldn’t tell Joji that, though. As disgusting as it was and sick as it made me feel, I needed to protect Gavin. He didn’t mean any of the things he said when he was drunk and angry. It would be unnecessary to speak badly of him and make my friends hate him for something beyond his control. If only he would keep up with his pills and therapy appointments...I wouldn’t have to defend him.  </p><p>“He was upset.” It was technically the truth. I watched Niki squatting down and allowing a group of squawking ducks to come eat from her open palm. Ian had managed to lose the angry goose from before and was collecting more bird feed from the quarter machine. </p><p>“I’m sorry about him making a scene in front of your apartment last week. This is the second time he’s tried to start something with you.” I told George, looking back over at him as he pulled another handful of grass from the earth. He stopped at my words and his eyes found mine. </p><p>“Don’t apologize for him, it wasn’t your fault.” He almost glared at me, squinting his eyes and frowning. “Besides, he talks too much to be a good fighter. I could’ve kicked his ass...both times.” The corners of his mouth pulled up with his last sentence and he smiled at the ground. I don’t know how much I believed him. Gavin had both height and weight over George, and I’d been witness to almost every drunken bar fight Gav had been in. He hadn't lost yet.  </p><p>I didn’t respond to his comment; not all too eager to disagree. My eyes sunk back down to the grass and then over to the lake where a mangrove of luscious green trees surrounded the other side of the lake. Under the shade of the tree the temperature had cooled significantly but the air was still uncomfortably warm.  </p><p>“He’s not usually like that.” I say out of the blue, surprising myself. I was thinking out loud, but George was listening so I continued. “He just...he’s had a tough few years and...” I stopped there, feeling weird about talking to Joji about this. I wasn’t even sure why I was talking about Gavin anyway, no excuse I made for him would change anyone's mind. His actions spoke louder than my words, and so far, his actions directly opposed anything I said in his favor. </p><p>“You know, you’ve had a tough time lately too but all I saw was him angry that you didn’t come home.” Joji spoke softly, obviously trying not to upset me considering the subject. I mulled over his words for a minute. He was right, of course. Gavin didn’t sympathize with me after the incident at the adult store. I was mocked for it and then punished for not coming home.  </p><p>I pulled in a sharp breath of air, suddenly feeling like someone had their hands around my neck and was cutting off my air supply.  </p><p>“I’ve only met the guy twice but both times he was treating you like shit.” There was an edge in George’s voice that I immediately picked up on. His jaw tightened as he stared down at the blades of grass that slid between his fingers and down to the ground.  </p><p>“I know it’s not my place to say anything,” He looked back up at me again and we locked eyes. “but as your friend, I can’t...it’s not right.”  </p><p>I held his gaze as I looked for anything that matched what I had been feeling. I was fantasizing in broad daylight, fooling myself into thinking I could see any sign that he felt the same way I did. He’s beautiful and his presence both calms and excites me but he was my friend and there was nothing here, nothing between us. He cared about me, obviously, which is why he was putting me in this uncomfortable position and confronting me about Gavin, but not in the way I think I cared about him.  </p><p>I swallowed before replying. </p><p>“We’re working on it.” It was a bullshit lie. He wasn’t working on it at all and I had given up a long time ago. “He’s just depressed and trying to cope in the only way he knows how.” </p><p>I was saying too much. Gavin would be pissed if he knew I was telling Joji any of this. </p><p>“And how are you coping with him?” Joji didn’t back down. I think he had stopped trying to dance around the subject and was now full on forcing me to acknowledge what I knew but wouldn’t say.  </p><p>By fantasizing about being with you </p><p>“I get along. I have you guys.” I smiled as the half lie slipped from my lips. I do have my friends and they make everything better; I'm able to feel like myself only when they are around. His eyebrows pinched together as he thought about my answer. </p><p>“Always so positive.” He mumbled so quietly I was certain I wasn’t meant to hear. I try to be. Living with a pessimist tends to make an optimist out of a person.  </p><p>I watched the golden hand necklace he always wore swing from his neck softly. The gold caught the sunlight and shone brilliantly. I leaned over and reached out to steady it, keeping the heavy pendant between my fingers and turning it over. </p><p>“I like this.” I commented, admiring the unique charm of a hand with curled fingers and an outstretched index finger.  </p><p>“My old roommate's ex left it at our place. He let me keep it.” Joji replied, looking down at the necklace in my hand. I let it go, watching it swing back and forth before coming to a still. I looked around for Niki and Ian and caught sight of them sitting together by the water, talking and laughing. The ducks had moved on, swimming lazily across the lake and quaking loudly. Their sounds echoed, making them sounds closer than they actually were.  </p><p>“You’re allowed to be angry you know.” George blurted out. I sat closer to him now after having reached for his necklace. When I turned my head back from Ian and Niki, George’s face was mere inches from mine.  </p><p>“About what?” I asked, my eyes dropping to his soft looking lips and wondering how they’d feel against mine. I looked back up quickly and met his beautiful brown eyes that looked golden in the middle, almost the same color as his chain.  </p><p>“About him. You didn’t deserve to wait at the bar in soaking wet clothes for him and you didn’t deserve to get yelled at over the phone last week after being assaulted.” He glared at me, though I knew it wasn’t me he was angry at. He was angry for me.  </p><p>“And that’s just the shit I know about, I don’t even want to ask what he’s done behind closed doors.” George bit out, looking away from me towards our friends. Pain tore through me at his words as I remembered how Gavin had punished me a few days ago. No one would have any idea, but it surprised me that they suspected. I felt embarrassed and ashamed. No one needed to pity me, no one needed to worry about me. I could handle myself.  </p><p>“Gavin isn't perfect but he’s been there for me through a lot of bad shit.” I didn’t want to have this conversation and every cell in my body cried out for me to stop. I was so deeply uncomfortable and the tight feeling in my chest returned but I couldn’t stop the words from spilling out. “He believed me when no one else did and gave me a way out. I was there for him when his mom died and he was there for me when...”  </p><p>I couldn’t get the rest out, despite how desperately I wanted to. If I did, I would fall apart right here in public, in front of my friends. No.  </p><p>“You have to understand how complicated it is. I owe him my life. He’s just hurting and I’m the only one who can help him.” My voice came out shaky as adrenaline coursed through me. Once again, I was defending a man who wouldn’t spit on me if I was on fire, making a complete fool of myself and it angered me. As hot as it was out here, I shivered and goosebumps rose on my skin. I kept my eyes trained directly at the ground, unable to meet Joji’s as he stared at me. </p><p>He was quiet for a long while, or so it felt. I stared a whole into the grass under my legs, willing the tears not to fall and cause another scene. A little yellow dandelion stared at me from between my sneakers and I put all of my concentration in it.  </p><p>“I’m sorry li-...Olivia. I don’t know him, you’re right. I don’t know what you’ve been through, all I know is what I’ve seen. And I don’t think your relationship with him is a healthy one.” </p><p>That’s an understatement, George </p><p>“You have been through a lot with him and I can respect that, but what’s currently happening isn't alright. You can’t save him; he needs to do it himself." Joji wasn’t wrong and I knew it. I’d been telling myself that for a couple years now. Hearing it come from someone else caught me a little off guard though.  </p><p>My arms curled tighter around me. I’m a basket case, and he didn’t deserve any of my bullshit.  </p><p>“I crossed a bunch of lines just now and I apologize, but I think maybe you needed to hear it. Niki is worried too, and if two of us have already noticed I think it's our duty to bring it up to you.” His voice was soft and low again. I exhaled just as my chest began burning from the breath I’d been holding. Niki was worried?  </p><p>I found her, sitting in the grass some distance away from us with her shiny brunette locks pulled back into a ponytail. Niki, my best friend, the only girl friend I’ve had since high school and she hasn’t bailed on me yet.  </p><p>I suppose it made sense. The look she’d given me at that lingerie store after I told her Gavin wouldn’t approve and the comment she made about Gavin being rude to her when she’d come to my apartment last week. She didn’t like him, that was obvious. Perhaps I hadn't been as successful at hiding it all as I’d thought. She’s so blunt that I’m surprised she didn’t have this talk with me herself, but... maybe this also wasn’t a planned thing. </p><p>The thing is that Joji wasn’t wrong about anything he said. If it was any of them that were struggling with a situation like mine, I’d find a way to say something. Niki and George didn’t feel right about Gavin and obviously spoke about it among themselves. Now here he was telling me what he felt I needed to hear. I knew it, it had been on my mind for a long time, but it was easier to think of leaving Gavin than actually going through with it. It certainly isn't my job to fix him, but I do truly believe that he wouldn't help himself if I wasn’t here to push him.  </p><p>Maybe that isn't my problem though. </p><p>“I’m sorry.” Joji said again, breaking me from my thoughts. I found the courage to look at him, despite the many emotions that swirled inside me. His face, his eyes, his presence, still send shivers down my spine. </p><p>“You are right, I needed to hear it. Thank you.” I couldn’t think of anything else to say even though I wanted to tell him so much more. I was still deeply uncomfortable but when he mentioned that he didn’t know what I’d been through it made me want to tell him. I want him to know everything, I want to know everything about him. But now wasn’t the time, nor the place so I held my tongue. </p><p>He didn’t smile like he normally did, but looked at me intensely as if he could read my thoughts.  </p><p>Warm fingers wrapped around my arms and tugged. I looked down as Joji loosened the grip I had around myself much like Niki had done earlier and took my left hand in his.  </p><p>“You deserve better.” He mumbled as his thumb rubbed the skin over my knuckles. My heart leapt, and yet another emotion was added to the calamity cocktail that swirled inside me. His hand left mine and before I knew what was happening, I was pressed against him. My face buried against his t-shirt and his arms around my body. I closed my eyes.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hey, just a quick heads up that I am moving this weekend and might not post next week. I hope these last 3 chapters can tide you over until I'm back. Thank you so much for your support!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0028"><h2>28. Under Your Skin</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“You don’t think this is too much? I should have gone with the yellow one.” I complained when Niki parked her car in one of the many packed beach parking lots. She rolled her eyes and leaned over the center console to face me.  </p><p>“I told you to go with the sexy red one. I would’ve loved to see everyone’s reaction to that.” She laughed, unbuckling her belt and climbing out. Just two hours before she let me dig through her closet so I could find an acceptable suit to wear. I owned 1 one-piece, black bathing suit of my own, which I brought to her apartment but she nearly went into cardiac arrest over it. I ended up choosing a black bikini with cups that hugged only the bottom and sides of my breasts, leaving the majority of my chest exposed with matching bottoms that sat high on my hips. Niki, always the exhibitionist, wore a blindingly white strapless bikini top with matching bottoms and an oversized floppy hat. </p><p>I grimaced at her words but followed her outside anyway. The weather was immaculate today. Not quite as sweltering as yesterday but just hot enough to get a decent tan. The sun hung bright and shining in the blue sky. A few thin clouds dozed lazily overhead but weren't enough to block the heat from the sun. It was perfect weather to lay out. We had all agreed to try to leave by noon from our separate apartments and meet up at Brighton beach around 12:30. At 11:55 we had packed lunch in a cooler and our bags with extra clothes and towels all loaded into the trunk of her car. </p><p>“The red one was practically made of floss.” I grumbled, adjusting my shorts as I climbed out of the passenger side and came around to the back of the car. Niki was lifting her bag onto her shoulder and grabbing some towels to carry under her other arm so I followed her lead, grabbing my own bag and lifting the cooler out of the trunk. </p><p>“Sexy floss.” Niki grinned, taking the handle on the other end of the cooler and lifting it with me. I looked around the parking lot until I spotted Ian’s car clear across the other side. </p><p>“I see the car, should we text them to see where they are?” I asked her as we carried the cooler onto the cool, pale sand. Niki shook her head. </p><p>“Nah, let’s just get down there and see if we can find them. If not, we’ll just set up and let them come find us.” She laughed and I cracked a smile. We walked down until we did actually spot the boys sitting under a large beach umbrella, laughing and drinking.  </p><p>We dropped the cooler down hard on the sand, startling Max, who jumped slightly and turned to face us.  </p><p>“Hi boys.” Niki grinned, dropping her bag down beside the cooler and unraveling her towel on the sand. I noticed Chad first, as he sat with his back to the sun and reflected light off of his skin.  </p><p>“Jesus Chad, your skin is so white. Did you put sunblock on?” I asked him, kneeling onto the sand and pulling my bag around to face me. Max laughed out loud despite the fact I wasn’t trying to be funny; I was genuinely concerned. Chad smiled regardless and shook his head. </p><p>“Fuck no, that shit is greasy and gross.” He complained and held his hands up when I handed him my bottle of sunblock. Ian, who sat on Chad’s other side, happily accepted the sunscreen from me though and began rubbing it into his legs and chest.  </p><p>“Not this one, it doesn’t feel greasy. You’re going to burn if you don’t put any on.” My attempt at convincing him was unsuccessful and I shrugged at his second refusal. He would regret it by the end of the day, guaranteed. Behind me, Niki had pulled her cover-up off and was stuffing it into her bag. I still had my shorts and tank top on over my swimsuit on and wasn’t sure when the right time to remove it would be, especially with all of these men sitting here to watch.  </p><p>I didn’t have sunscreen on yet either and didn’t want any tan lines from my clothing so in the meantime, I moved to sit beside Joji who was safely seated beneath the umbrella.  </p><p>“Hi.” I greeted him, kicking off my sandals in the sand before stepping on to the towel and crawling up beside him. He smiled and greeted me in return before taking another drink of what I assumed was beer. He was wearing blue swim trunks and was shirtless for the first time in front of me. I’d never really noticed his tattoos, and he had a lot of them. A small flower directly underneath his right collarbone, an acronym of some type below his right breast, and another on his far side that I couldn’t quite make out.  </p><p>“I’m going in the water, anyone wanna come?” Ian asked as he stood and brushed himself off.  </p><p>“Yep.” Max joined, standing up on my right and following Ian out to the water.  </p><p>“Are you going?” Joji asked. I shook my head no and despite the fact that Chad was still here, I took the opportunity to change while without being stared at too much. Niki was on my far right, already lying on her back on her towel and enjoying the sun.  </p><p>“No, I want to lay out.” I told him, looking over at the ocean where Max and Ian were testing the water with their toes. I lifted my tank top over my head and looked down to make sure I wasn’t popping out anywhere. Joji was also watching Ian and Max in the distance which was perfect for me as I stood up and unbuttoned my shorts while he was distracted. Unfortunately, the action of me standing pulled his attention back to me just as my short were sliding down my legs and the beer that he had been drinking ended up being sprayed all over my legs. George turned away from me as he choked and gasped for air. Chad fell back into the sand, bursting out in laughter and even Niki noticed as she lifted her sunglasses to look over at the scene. </p><p>“Oh my god, are you okay?” I asked him, reaching for one of the spare towels in my bag and handing it to him. He took it quickly and held it to his face with a nod.  </p><p>“Yep, I’m sorry.” His muffled voice assured me weakly. I picked up my discarded clothing, tossing it in Niki’s beach bag and grabbed the last extra towel to wipe the beer droplets from my legs before sitting back down. Niki gave me a wicked grin before replacing her sunglasses and returning to her sun bathing. When Joji gathered himself, he returned back to his original sitting position and cleared his throat. </p><p>“I, it went down the wrong pipe.” He croaked, setting the towel down between us and keeping his eyes low. Chad wheezed again as he sat up, holding his bare stomach. I rubbed a reassuring hand down Joji’s arm before reaching for my sunblock. He didn’t look at me as I spread the sun lotion over my legs and chest, and I appreciated the little bit of privacy. I rubbed a small amount on my face and neck, before deciding there would be no harm asking for help covering my back. </p><p>“Joji? Do you think you could get my back?” I asked, holding the bottle out to him. He finally looked back over to me, with an open mouth. His eyes caught the bottle first, then drifted down to my cleavage and back up to my eyes before responding.  </p><p>“Sure.” His mouth formed into a tight line as he took the bottle. I turned over on to my stomach, catching Niki’s quiet laughter and grinning back at her. It’s not my fault I was constantly being enabled. I moved my hair over one shoulder and reached back to pull at the ties of my bikini behind my back and around my neck. Black strings fell to the sides as I settled on to my belly and looked up at Joji. He was grabbing the towel he had just set down and pulling it into his lap before opening the cap of sunscreen.  </p><p>I closed my eyes and rested my head on my folded arms while I waited. A light gasp escaped me when the cold cream touched my back, only to be soothed a second later by his warm hands as they spread sunscreen across my shoulder blades. I relaxed again, letting my shoulders go limp and enjoying the small massage. Joji’s hand ran over my shoulders and down my arms a bit before coming back down my sides and making my breath hitch. God, both of his hands running down my ribs and over my hips ignited something inside me; my blood boiled and the butterflies in my belly were set alight. His hands lingered on my hips for a moment before running back up my spine and over my neck. My heart rammed against my ribcage but I tried not to make my nervousness too obvious so I took small breaths of air at a time. It was going fine until one of my small breaths turned into a barely audible whimper as Joji’s fingers grazed the side of my breast. That’s when his hands immediately pulled back and he stood from his spot behind me. </p><p>“All done. I’m going out t-to the water.” George announced quickly before I could even look up to thank him. He was half way to the water when turned my head and Chad looked over his shoulder at me with a grin so evil it nearly matched Niki’s.  </p><p>“Nice one.” He laughed at me, standing up.  </p><p>“What?” I asked innocently, earning another laugh from him as he shook his head. He left Niki and I to go join the others in the water and when we alone Niki erupted into a fit of giggles. </p><p>“I cannot believe you did that.” She gasped, pulling off her sunglasses and rolling over onto her side to slap my ass.  </p><p>“Ow!” I yelped, covering my ass cheek from another assault. She flipped onto her stomach beside me and untied her bikini as well to avoid tan lines. “But you said-!”  </p><p>“I know, I’m so proud.” She interrupted me, laying her head down with a smile. I sighed as I laid my head back down on my arms and looked at her. </p><p>“I think it was a bad idea, I scared him off.” I mumbled, closing my eyes and enjoying the heat from the sun on my back. Niki snorted a laugh. </p><p>“Trust me, it was a good idea.” She assured me. I wasn’t sure yet whether her advice was going to be detrimental to my friendship with Joji but I wanted to trust she knew what she was talking about. I ended up falling asleep until the heat on my back became a little too intense so I flipped over and covered my chest loosely with my bikini, not bothering to tie it. I shook Niki awake to flip as well and she did with a tired groan. I wasn’t sure how long we laid there, but I was awoken again when voices approached. I cracked my eyes open just as Ian came into view with Max, George, and Chad behind him. I yawned and stretched my arms over my head, careful not to let my top lift up too much </p><p>“Have a good nap?” Ian asked, sitting down on the towel beside me under the sun. I sat up on my elbows, holding my top to my chest and watched as Joji sat under the umbrella farthest away from me. Maybe I pushed it too far. I tried not to let the doubt get to my head though and smiled up at Ian. </p><p>“Mhm. Have a good swim?” I asked. Ian nodded, looking back over at the others. I shook Niki’s shoulder gently until she sat up with a start, looking around at us and up at the baby blue sky above us.  </p><p>“Nik, your top.” I whispered as to not draw attention to her. I grabbed the fabric that had fallen from her chest and held it over her breasts. She looked down at my hands and took the top from me with a grateful smile.  </p><p>“Can you retie it for me?” She asked me with a yawn. I was still holding my own in my hands and would need help tying it before helping Niki, so I looked to my left at Ian. </p><p>“Can you tie mine please?” I asked him seriously. He nodded, reaching for the strings that hung down my sides when Joji quickly sat up and pushed past Ian, knocking him back over into the sand. </p><p>“I got it.” He said, taking the strings and dying a double knot on my back before moving up to the tie on my neck. Everyone laughed, except Ian who was now wiping sand from his wet back with an annoyed look on his face. Maybe I hadn't pushed far enough. </p><p>We ate lunch from the cooler; sub sandwiches and individual bagged chips. We had brought water but no one except me chose to drink them since Chad had brought beer. With full bellies, half of the group had fallen asleep again. </p><p>“Does anyone want to go to the amusement park?” Ian asked as he set his empty beer bottle down in the sand. I cracked an eye open to glance at him then to my other side where Niki was dozing off again. She would need to reapply her sunscreen soon judging by the slight red tint her skin took on.  </p><p>“It’s packed as fuck. I’d rather not.” Joji responded lazily from under the shade of the umbrella where he and Chad were lying. Max spoke up from his spot somewhere by my feet. </p><p>“Yeah, fuck that.” Max laid his head back down on his towel. I sat up to get a better look at the bright crimson color of his back that sizzled under the heat of the sun. I don’t think he’d even bothered to put sun protection on at all.  </p><p>“Aquarium?” Ian tried again, brushing sand from his hairy white legs.  </p><p>“You don’t like the beach?” I asked, my eyes leaving Max to look at Ian beside me. He chuckled, gesturing to his legs. </p><p>“Of course I do, what do you mean? My albino skin doesn’t burn at all, it soaks the sun right up.” He sarcastically replied. He sat half under the umbrella shade, half under the sun and he was right. He didn’t seem to be getting any darker at all. I flung a small bit of sand at him at his teasing and rolled over to face Niki.  </p><p>“Nik,” I called to her, shaking her gently and rousing her awake. She sat up slowly, looking at me from behind her sunglasses. “You want to go to the aquarium or something?” </p><p>She lifted her large glasses, setting them on her top of her shiny raven head. Her eyes looked tired as she squinted at me. </p><p>“No.” Niki replied tiredly, replacing her glasses and dropping back down to her towel.  </p><p>“At least put some more sunblock on.” I urged, picking up the bottle from beside me and waving it in front of her face. She smiled gratefully, sitting up again and taking the bottle. I looked back over at Ian. </p><p>“I’ll go.” I told him, brushing the palms of my hands together to rid them of the small granules of sand that lingered on them. His face lit up at my words before turning over to the others. </p><p>“Great, I’m gonna go in the water one last time before I get dressed. Anyone else wanna come to the aquarium with us?” He asked to the group of sleeping boys. Chad was snoring loudly, clutching an empty bottle between his chubby fingers. No one answered, so Ian sighed, standing and stepping over their bodies onto the sand and toward the water again. </p><p>I rolled to my side and onto all fours as I crawled over the towels towards Joji. His eyes were closed, unable to see me coming as he laid beneath the shade of the umbrella. I crawled up his long legs, sitting on one of his thighs.  </p><p>“Joji.” I whispered, startling him awake. I might have felt bad if the look on his face wasn’t so cute. His brown eyes shot open, the bags beneath them looking puffier than usual. His eyes met mine first, before dropping down to his leg that I was sitting on and back up against quickly.  </p><p>“What?” He whispered back, looking tiredly at me. I couldn’t hide the smile that took over my face as I looked at the adorable boy.  </p><p>“Come to the aquarium with me and Ian, please.” It’s not like I was uncomfortable being alone with Ian, but something inside me wished for Joji’s presence. I wanted to be around him any chance I could, as selfish as I was. He looked at me curiously before glancing around, sitting up on his elbows. His black hair that had been fanned out of the towel beneath him sat disheveled on his head, sticking out in every direction. Tiny particles of sand stuck to his hair, standing out against the darkness of his locks. </p><p>“Where is Ian?” He asked in a low, deep voice before clearing his throat and wiping at his face. I looked out at the ocean where too many bodies crowded the water for me to able to distinguish them from Ian.  </p><p>“In the water. When he gets back, we’re going.” I replied, looking down at him beneath me and running a hand through his hair to shake the sand out. He dropped back down to the towel, looking up at me from half lidded eyes and nodding. </p><p>“Okay.” He agreed, closing his eyes. I smiled widely, even though he couldn’t see it, and leaned over him. My arms dug beneath his, grabbing onto his shoulders as I rested my head against his chest in a hug. My sunlight. His heartbeat was directly beneath my ear, beating quickly. His skin was cool and smelled salty like the ocean he’d been swimming in earlier. I was hyper aware of the feel of the skin of ours stomachs that were touching and moving against each other with our breaths. This had to be the most intimate I’d ever been with him only because we were both in our swim suits and our exposed skin was touching. The thought set my heart into hyperdrive. His arms lifted, moving slowly up my sides and settling at the small of my back, just above the fabric of my bottoms. His fingers lightly brushing against my skin, caressing me. </p><p>I closed my eyes, enjoying the feeling of his chest against my cheek before being brought to reality by Chad’s thunderous snore beside us. The sound stiffened both of us, before we slowly relaxed and I sat up, sliding my arms out from under his and holding myself up on the palms of my hands at his sides. Joji’s eyes were closed until I pulled away and they opened to look up at me. His puffy lips opened just a little as he let out a large breath. My hair dropped down over my shoulders, hanging around my face as I looked down at him.  </p><p>It wasn’t overthinking or thinking at all as my body involuntarily climbed higher up his, my leg swinging over his to straddle his hips. I leaned forward, dropping my hair down around his face and shielding both of us. My breathing became heavy but I didn’t stop this, I couldn’t. His fingers slid from my back down to my thighs where they lingered, feeling my skin and setting a trail of fire in their wake. The light brushes soon turned into firm grips on my thighs when I leaned closer to his face. His half open eyes glazed as they focused on my mouth and mine on his. I dipped my head down closer as the pleasure of his grip sent electricity to every nerve ending in my body. My nose brushed his, my lips close enough to feel his hot breath against them.  </p><p>“We ready to go?” Ian called, jogging back up towards us and breaking the spell. We both blinked our eyes wide open, looking at each other with question before I pulled away from him completely. I removed my body from his, crawling quickly back over to my original spot, though we didn’t fool Ian. I’m sure I looked like a tomato as he slowed to a walked and plopped down on the towel between me and George. “Oh shit, was I interrupting something?” Ian grinned, looking between us. </p><p>I looked away, feeling more embarrassed than I ever had in my life at just being caught straddling one of my friends. I stood up quickly, clearing my throat and making my way to Niki’s beach bag that held my clothes. </p><p>“Let’s go.” I mumbled, pulling my clothes out and hurriedly sliding my shorts up my legs as Ian laughed at me. Joji was pulling his shirt on and looking away as well.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0029"><h2>29. Closer</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I watched the tiny silver fish swim above me, skittering quickly within their school. One fat gray fish floating lazily overhead, uncaring of the attention from me or the other visitors. His face looked comically smashed in, like he’d been flattened by a panini press. I laughed quietly at him as his chubby little body wiggled by and disappeared behind the pink artificial coral.  </p><p>The room was crowded with tourists, squeezing by and flashing the fish with their phones. I knew what Max and Niki meant when they expressed their disdain for tourist traps. I could only imagine how packed Coney Island must be.  </p><p>I watched a couple of tiny colorful fish swim past before a large man in a red hat saddled up beside me and began taking pictures on his phone with the flash on, scaring the little fish away. He grunted, watching them hide before looking over his shoulder and waving his arm through the air. </p><p>“Linda, come get a look at this fucker!” He laughed loudly, peering greedily at the glass where the chubby gray fish was popping his head out from a hole in the coral. I decided it was best to take my leave then, turning and scanning the room for my friends who were a couple feet away looking up at the baby sharks that swam above their heads. I joined them just as Linda, I presume, shoved past me and took my place beside the loud man.  </p><p>“Look at that one, it's got a fucking chunk missing!” Ian exclaimed, pointing at one of the sharks. There was, indeed, a bite taken out of its tail as it glided over us and towards the other side of the tank. I stood behind Ian, watching the sharks with him and Joji quietly until they noticed me.  <br/>“Next room? It’s getting crowded in here.” Ian murmured as a girl beside him raised her phone and took a selfie with the aquarium behind her.  </p><p>We walked through the rest of the building where it was a little less populated. We stop briefly at a stingray tank where the large, white creatures glided easily through the water. Joji made a bitter comment about Steve Irwin and I laughed, pushing on his back to keep him moving while he flipped off the fish.  </p><p>When we came to a jellyfish tank, Ian’s phone rang. I watched the jellyfish float gracefully up and down within the large cylinder-shaped tank as Ian talked on the phone. Joji pointed to a nearly invisible jelly blob that was only discernable by its tiny organs and I looked closer in amazement.  </p><p>“That was Max, I’m gonna go get him.” Ian sighed, pocketing his phone and walking back in the direction we’d come from. I watched the see-through jelly as it puffed its way to the top of the tank and slowly sank back down. The jellies glowed with the brilliant blue that lit the bottom of the tank. Some were more opaque than others, some were cloudy white, and a few were barely even visible. They were all beautiful, regardless. Their tentacles absorbing the blue light, ruffling gently beneath them as they danced. </p><p>“So um,” Joji mumbled beside me, pulling back from the tank and standing straight. I followed him with my eyes, watching as he glanced around the room at the people around us. “about earlier...”  </p><p>I didn’t interrupt, too curious as to what he had to say about what happened earlier. I was confused about it myself. It had been something I’ve thought about before but I didn’t expect myself to actually do it. I waited as he collected himself, finally meeting my eyes and holding them.  </p><p>“I’m not sure what happened.” Was all he muttered, looking deeply into my eyes, searching for something though I’m not sure what.  </p><p>“I don’t know either.” I admitted. The side of his face closest to the tank glowed blue, much like how the lights of the club colored him. Beautiful like a work of art. </p><p>“I liked it.” He breathed, watching me intently. My heart picked up at his words. Maybe he felt the same, I just hadn't seen it yet.  </p><p>“Me too.” I whispered, feeling my throat tighten as the adrenaline rushed through my veins. A small smile formed at the corner of his mouth before spreading across his entire face. His hands wrapped around mine that hung at my sides, pulling me the tiniest bit closer. I could feel my heartbeat in my throat as I watched Joji’s face move closer to mine. He watched me carefully, his brown eyes shone with the tiniest glimmer of blue from the light beside us. There was his hot breath again, fanning over my face and sending me into the same trance I came over at the beach just a little bit ago. His eyes closed and his mouth opened just enough to barely touch my bottom lip with his. Electricity coursed throughout my entire body, forcing my eyes shut and my heart to pound intensely against my ribcage. I tilted my head up, willing him to close the distance between us. </p><p>“Oh my god, is that Filthy Frank?” Someone far off in the haze of my perception called out loud and suddenly Joji’s mouth was no where near mine. I opened my eyes in confusion to see Joji wide eyed and looking off to the side where a group of teenage boys were yelling as they approached us.  </p><p>“Holy shit dude, it’s Frank!” </p><p>“Oh my god, can I have a picture?” </p><p>“Dude, do the voice, please!” </p><p>“Man, I showed the vomit cake video at school and got suspended, it was awesome.” </p><p>“What is PewDiePie like in real life?!”  </p><p>The group of boys crowded around George, shoving me away in their excitement. They shoved their phones in his face, talking animatedly above each other and caught the attention of the people around us. Joji looked over them at me, an apology in his eyes as his brows furrowed together in angst.  </p><p>“Who is Filthy Frank?” I asked him, trying to speak over the teenagers. Two of them turned around to look at me in confusion. </p><p>“Filthy Frank from YouTube! How do you not know?” One said in annoyance, turning back to face Joji and taking pictures of him with his phone. The other looked excitedly at me, holding out his phone and shoving it in my direction. </p><p>“Wait, please don’t!” Joji called over the 6 kids that crowded him. “Guys, seriously!” He said in a frustrated tone as they continued to talk and laugh over him. Most seemed to be posing beside him for selfies. </p><p>The boy’s phone played a video of a man in sunglasses and a shirt with flames on it picking up something from a dumpster and laughing. The camera zoomed in and focused on a tiny pink baby rat in his palm. The man in the video grinned and looked away, trying to hide his laughter. The next scene cut to a kitchen where the same man picked up the stiff carcass of a rat and placed it inside a tortilla.  </p><p>I felt my stomach churn as I recognized the man in the video, despite the ridiculous outfit and blonde cap, to be Joji. I looked away from the boy’s phone and up at George who was seemingly trying to calm the boys and holding his hands out in a ‘settle’ motion. He glanced over at me and frowned. </p><p>“What happened?” Ian returned then, standing beside me and nudging my shoulder as I stared back at Joji.  </p><p>“Filthy Frank?” I watched the chaos as more people came over, interested in the commotion the teenagers were making over George. Tourists began taking photos of him, even though I'm almost positive they had no idea who he was any more than I did. </p><p>“Oh, so he told you finally?” Ian asked as he watched the excitement before us.  </p><p>“What?” I asked, shifting my gaze to Ian’s who looked like a deer in the headlights. Max chose that moment to come shuffling along tiredly and came to a stop beside Ian.  </p><p>“Bloody hell.” Max commented with wide eyes, catching the attention of a couple of the boys with his accent. They turned around, running up to Max and Ian just as eagerly as they had to Joji. </p><p>“Holy shit, it’s Maxmoefoe!” </p><p>“Dude, I love your videos! Can you prank call my mom?” </p><p>“I have osteoporosis!”  </p><p>“Can I please get a picture idubbbz? It’s my birthday!”  </p><p>“Say the line, please!” </p><p>Soon, more of the kids joined as they noticed Max and Ian and the swarm moved in our direction. George still had people crowding him, trying to take pictures and hug him. I stepped back, letting the insanity go about without me in the middle of it. I walked to the back wall and took a seat on one of the benches. I watched the chaos unfold as the three boys were bombarded and eventually forced together for a group photo.  </p><p>Apparently Joji is a Youtuber and eats rats? That was all I knew. The fact that he made videos shouldn’t have been much of a shock, now that I think about it. Max, Ian, and Chad made videos so I suppose it made sense that he would too but laughing over dead baby rats? </p><p>Niki and Chad appeared in the doorway a few feet away from me. Their footsteps coming to a halt as they took in the madness of the room and looked at each other. Chad was blistering red, like a cooked lobster. I told him he’d burn if he didn’t put on sunscreen. </p><p>He disappeared into the crowd, making his way over to the boys as more people screamed upon seeing him. </p><p>“Monkrage! Oh my god dude this is the best day of my life!” One boy shrieked, holding his phone up above the heads of his peers. Niki looked desperately through the crowd and around the room before spotting me on the dark bench. She hurried over, sitting and setting her beach bag down on the ground in front of her.  </p><p>“Wow.” Was all she said at first as the room filled with more people by the second. I nodded, watching along with her. Joji bent down slightly, smiling weakly for a photo with a boy who held his phone out in front of him and wrapped his free arm around George’s shoulders. It was actually kinda sweet. </p><p>“I feel like maybe there was something I didn’t know,” I commented, catching Niki’s attention. She smiled sadly at me, nodding in agreement. “Ian said ‘so he told you finally?’ What does that mean?” I asked her. I knew what it meant but I wanted someone to explain it to me in case I was misunderstanding. She blinked at me, glancing back over to the commotion before back at me and exhaling a deep breath.  </p><p>“I uh, I think it’s best that you hear it from George. He specifically asked us not to say anything and I’m not trying to step on any toes.” She tucked her dark hair behind her ear and pat my hand in condolence.  </p><p>“Since when?” I laughed at her words, making her grin in return and roll her eyes.  </p><p>“Okay, yeah, but not about this.” She clarified, looking back over at the boys just as a couple of security guards came in and began breaking up the ruckus. We watched as they pushed through the crowd and spoke to our friends before pointing at the exit. Seems as though the aquarium trip was over before it even really started. Joji looked around, his eyes scanning the room frantically before being shoved by the security guard and following Ian and Max out of the aquarium. A mass of people followed as well, leaving the room with them and leaving only a few confused visitors and me and Niki.  </p><p>“Guess we should meet them at the car.” She sighed, picking up her bag and standing. I followed her lead, walking down the hall towards one of the emergency fire exits had been opened and people had filed out.  </p><p>“Did you already take the cooler back to the car?” I asked her as we walked together down the street towards the parking lot at the beach. Niki nodded. </p><p>“Yeah Max and Chad did it for me.” She explained, taking her sunglasses that had been hanging from the front of her tank top and sliding them on her face. Shouts and laughter sounded down the street where a few people were still following the boys. They had stopped briefly, talking to the fans, I guess, taking a few pictures and giving hugs until they were finally left alone. When Niki and I caught up, she squeezed my hand reassuringly before leaving my side and saddling up to Max, shoving him forward. Ian and Chad talked animatedly amongst the group as they turned to head back to the cars as well. George turned around when he caught sight of Niki and his brown eyes met mine.  </p><p>“Hi.” I said, looking up at him as I approached. He smiled a little before it fell from his face and his brows furrowed in concern.  </p><p>“Hi,” Joji’s mouth set in a tight line, “Listen, I-.”  </p><p>“You don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to,” I cut him off. “You don’t owe me anything.” And he really didn’t. Sure, an explanation for what just happened would be nice but judging by what Niki said about him asking everyone not to say anything, I assumed it was something he didn’t want me to know.  </p><p>Now that I think about it, it explains why he told me not to go looking for his music. </p><p>His mouth stilled before closing and pulling down into a frown. </p><p>“Eh...yeah but I want to, if you do.” He seemed genuine so I nodded. Niki and the boys had reached the parking lot already and were likely waiting for us so I nodded over to them. </p><p>“Alright, but let’s at least get out of here so that doesn’t happen again.” I told him and was immediately rewarded with a bright smile that stretched across his face and lit up the world around us.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0030"><h2>30. Filthy Frank</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Joji closed the door his bedroom and came to sit beside me on his bed. His lap top sat in front of me, YouTube open and waiting. The first thing I noticed, however, were the notes written in Japanese he had taped down to the computer.</p><p>“What do those say?” I asked him as he settled down beside me, crossing his legs in front of him and his eyes following my finger. He sighed, pointing to the note on the left.</p><p>“That one says ‘don’t read any comments’,” He explained before moving to the two notes on the right. “This one says ‘It’s okay’ and the other says ‘don't compare one comment to a thousand comments’ I used them as reminders for my sanity.” He pulled his finger back and looked at me for my reaction. I’ll admit, I felt a sting in my chest at his words. How bad were the comments he was receiving that he needed to do this?</p><p>I nodded simply, not saying anything and allowing him to continue. George brought the laptop into his lap, typing in his password when the screen immediately lit up and we both waited for the desktop to appear. Unfortunately, it appeared as if he had forgotten to exit his browser the last time he used the computer and the evidence of his internet whereabouts were exposed to me. A black and orange webpage immediately appeared before us. Images moved all over, one large video in the middle and several ads with gifs and images just as profane flashed on the side of the screen. Moans and cries so quiet I wouldn’t have been able to hear if it weren't for the dead silence of the moment, came through the speakers before the lid was slammed shut.</p><p>“I- um...” He stuttered, looking for words before I quickly cut him off.</p><p>“That’s okay, no need to explain.” I felt my face set fire but thankfully he wasn’t looking at me to see. His face was fully turned away as well and the tips of his ears burned crimson in his embarrassment. He nodded, clearing his throat and lifting the lid just enough to hold his finger down on the power button.</p><p>“Sorry.” He mumbled, keeping his eyes low as the soft whirring of the laptop died, leaving us in complete silence.</p><p>When the computer restarted, he tried again, typing in his password and holding the machine slightly away from him while it loaded.</p><p>An average, blue default screen appeared on his desktop and a quiet sigh escaped his lips. I didn’t react, choosing not to say anything to embarrass him further so I watched quietly as he opened his browser and pulled up YouTube. Joji typed into the search bar and suddenly the page was filled hundreds of page results with tiny pictures of a man in a variety of poses and silly faces. Before proceeding any further, he put the laptop back down in front of us and turned his head toward me.</p><p>“So, listen, before I show you any of this shit I just gotta say that I stopped making these for a reason. I...” He sighed, looking at the ceiling of his bedroom before looking back down at me. “I stopped finding the humor in them, it-it wasn’t fun anymore. The hate was one thing, but the stress this shit put on my body and mind was too much.” He struggled with his words, looking nervous. This was important to him, more important than I realized so I listened.</p><p>“I have this disease; I get stress seizures basically and I take levetiracetam to help but I couldn’t continue making content like this because of the amount of stress it put me under. I really...I really want to just focus on my music and the amount of people telling me I was wasting my potential on stuff like this made me realize I needed to quit while I still could.” Joji spoke passionately, looking deeply into my eyes almost as if pleading with me to understand. I nodded, letting him know I was hearing him.</p><p>“So... anyway, just know that.” He sighed, clicking on the first video at the top of the page that was titled “100 ACCURATE LIFE HACKS.” The video started and George watched with a grimace as his voiceover spoke on the video. I watched the video, trying hard not to laugh because it was clearly something Joji was not proud of, but about half way through he hit the space bar, pausing the video.</p><p>“Um,” I started slowly, wrapping my arms around my knees and biting my lip hard to keep the smile from overtaking my face. “It’s really not that bad.” I told him honestly.</p><p>“It gets worse.” George replied flatly, pressing the back button on the browser and returning to the search results. I moved closer to the computer, squinting at an image that intrigued me.</p><p>“Is...is that Max?” I asked, stunned, as I pointed at the picture of Max and... George? Sitting together at a table with a large pile of noodles between them. Joji was topless painted red and wearing a hat, sunglasses and devil’s horns.</p><p>“Yep.” He replied simply, watching me steadily. I glanced back to the computer.</p><p>“Can we watch it?” I wanted to respect his boundaries, but at the same time, I very much wanted to see the content that he’d made, especially with our friends. He grimaced.</p><p>“It’s gross...” He warned, but waved his hand for me to continue so I clicked on the video and sat back as it started. It was fine for a long duration of the video. Joji spoke in a strange, gruff voice that wasn’t his own, but I didn’t have much time to think about it as the video progressed. George and Max sat at a tiny table, shoveling hot ramen into their mouths, throwing noodles around and gagging. When Max began vomiting onto the table, covering the noodles before picking them back up and eating them again, I felt a little sick.</p><p>I looked over at George, who was watching me with a look I couldn’t quite pin but it made my heart leap.</p><p>“Maybe I should’ve listened to you.” I told him, pausing the video and sitting back. He smiled a small, humorless smile at me.</p><p>“That’s not even the worst of it.” He mumbled, his head resting against the headboard behind him as he looked at me. I thought back to the rat video from earlier and pushed down the queasiness in my stomach. I leaned my head back against the headboard as well, lolling my head to the side and watching his eyes search mine.</p><p>“Besides the gross stuff...why didn’t you want me to know about it?” I asked curiously. I could see being embarrassed over that video, but he had willingly invited me to watch them so that he could explain himself. I found reason to doubt that embarrassment was the only reason he kept his YouTube channel a secret.</p><p>“A lot of people can't differentiate between a real person and a character.” Joji explained. “I’ve said and done a lot of bad shit on the internet and it’s scared some people away.” His thumb rubbed small circles into his index finger as he spoke.</p><p>“I didn’t want you to be one of them.” He continued, clutching his fist tight for a moment before loosening and resuming the circular motions. I gave him a small smile and nodded in understanding. “The morning I met you, I had met up with this girl I was seeing and she confronted me about the videos. She decided she didn’t want to be associated with Filthy Frank.”</p><p>“I'm sorry.” I wasn't sorry that the girl had decided to bail out, but I was sorry for his pain. “I remember that day. You wore a black baseball cap and bumped into me at the door.” That was the same day I’d been fired and he had almost gotten into a fight with Gavin for me at the bar. Joji gave a genuine smile that time, flashing his teeth at me.</p><p>“I don’t remember that, I’m sorry. But I remember meeting you in the bar and.... being infuriated at how your boyfriend was treating you. A perfectly nice girl sitting there soaked from the rain and waiting for her dick boyfriend to take her home.” His smile vanished quickly and was replaced by anger. He looked away, bringing his hands together to pick at his nails. My smile faded as well at the memory.</p><p>“I wished that I had taken you up on your offer, you know.” I said lowly, watching his movements pause as he looked back at me. His thick black eyebrows rose in surprise.</p><p>“Really?” He asked. I nodded in reply and he looked away with a hum. “Interesting.”</p><p>We sat in comfortable silence for a bit. I thought over every detail of our first meeting. How shaken he’d seemed when he bumped into me at the café and his morning drinking at the bar not long after all made sense now.</p><p>I reached down to his finnicky hands, pulling one loose and threading my fingers through his. The electricity of his touch shot up my arm, surprising me once again and making my breath catch in my throat. He looked down at our hands, tightening his grip on mine before serving me a genuine smile.</p><p>“Want to come up to the roof with me?” He asked, his thumb running over one of my knuckles softly. I nodded, ready to follow him anywhere he needed me. Unfortunately, that meant letting go of his hand as he slid off the side of the bed and shut his laptop. I followed suit, climbing down and waiting for him as he dug through the messy pile on his desk for a lighter and a pack of cigarettes.</p><p>When we emerged from his room, our friends looked up from their places on the couch.</p><p>“Did you tell her?” Max asked, holding a large bong between his thighs, eyes red as the devil. Ian and Chad also curiously waited for the answer, careful not to say anything until they had confirmation. Niki had left me to go home after I’d assured her I would be okay without her.</p><p>“Obviously.” George replied, annoyed, passing the couch and making his way to the apartment door. I couldn’t help but stare at Max. The same boy I had been hanging out with all this time was the same one I’d just watched vomit all over food and then eat it. He noticed my stare and furrowed his brows at me in confusion.</p><p>“What?” He asked, gripping the bong. All I could see was the sopping wet noodles in front of him. I grimaced, shaking my head and following Joji out of the apartment. “Yo, bring back Joji vlogs!” Max shouted from the living room just before George slammed the front door shut behind us.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The air was still warm outside, as it had been all day despite the fact that the sun had long disappeared. A comfortable breeze blew past, lightly blowing my hair around my shoulders as I followed George to our spots on the floor. I sat down beside him, brushing away tiny rocks from underneath me to get comfortable. The moon hung in a crescent shape above us, providing a little light but not much. No, most of the light came from the lights of the neighborhood around us. The orange streetlights below, the same ones that reminded me of Joji in his tuxedo, filled the city around us with an apricot glow.</p><p>Smoke billowed around us before being quickly drug away by the breeze. I tried to fix the hair that blew into my face, running my hand over the top of my head and ruffling it all to one side. Joji was contentedly puffing on his cigarette, holding it between his fingers and flicking the end with his thumb to kick off the excess ash. The hand closest to me sat, palm down on the ground and I stared at it, wondering if I was bold enough to grab it again.</p><p>Like he’d just read my mind, the hand that I had in my sights rose from the ground, wiping off on his pants before sliding over to mine. He took my hand from my knee and slid his fingers between mine like I had done in his room. My heart leapt at the action and continued pounding as the sparks ran through me. Our hands entangled on my knee, directly in my line of sight.</p><p>“I think you should just stay here.” Joji commented out of the blue, startling me from my concentration. I looked over at him, watching as he stared off into the darkness and took another drag.</p><p>“What?” I asked. The wind blew lightly again, wafting the smoke from the cigarette into my face.</p><p>“I think you should just stay here. Don’t go home. You can live in my room with me.” He mumbled more quietly that time, looking down at the ground and flicking the ash from the stick in his fingers.</p><p>Oh, how I wish I could</p><p>I smiled lightly, accepting the fantasy and picturing it in my head. Going to bed at night with George’s warm body encasing my own, like his hand was right now. Waking up in the morning in his all white bed and facing the man sleeping beside me. Kissing his face until he woke and being held close when he refused to let me get out of bed.</p><p>“That would be something.” I agreed, feeling a ball form in my throat that I struggled to swallow down. It could be a reality...</p><p>George smashed the last of his cigarette into the concrete of the roof, scraping it across the pavement with his shoe to make sure it was completely out and he turned to me.</p><p>“I’m serious.” He breathed, his fingers squeezing mine and pulling my hand closer to him so that he could encase my hand completely in both of his. The wind brushed by again, flicking his black hair around his head and into his face. The sincerity in his eyes took me back, making question myself as to why his offer wasn’t a viable one.</p><p>“I....I can't.” I frowned, at him, feeling a tearing in my chest as I rejected the sweetest offer that anyone had ever made to me in my life. He looked persistent, however, his brows furrowing a little and his hands clutching mine tighter.</p><p>“Yes, you can, please,” He pleaded again softly, running his thumb across the back of my hand. The ball in my throat tightened so hard I thought I surely wouldn’t be able to breathe. My brain registered his words, but I had a hard time understanding them. What was he asking me? Live with him? This was happening so quickly my brain was struggling to keep up. What exactly did his words mean?</p><p>I had the chance right now to take him up on his offer again. I'd declined once before when he offered to take me home from the bar at Paddy's. I regret not taking it. So here I was faced with the choice again, follow him, stay with him, or refuse and allow my life to remain unchanged. </p><p>“Okay.” My mouth agreed before my brain did. Joji’s face came closer to mine, his nose gently bumping against mine. His hands left mine and fingertips gently ran across my jaw, into my hair. His warm hands titled my face up to his and I felt my eyelids growing heavy with his touch. His soft lips touched mine just a little and then all at once.</p><p>Electricity like I’ve never felt before coursed through me, forcing me to pull back enough to gasp; only to be pulled back by his hands that had knotted themselves in my hair and pulled my mouth fully against his. He tasted sweet, like sin, but God it felt so good. Along with that, the smoky taste of cigarettes that was so closely linked to Joji in my mind that the taste simply made sense and I actually craved it. The taste of him. Our lips glided easily against each other, so gently yet so urgently that it took my breath away. My hands slid up his neck, weaving between his dark locks and gripping tightly as I pulled him toward me.</p><p>A few more heated kisses and he gently pulled me back, his fingers still in my hair and mine in his as he gazed at me under half lidded eyes. Our chests heaved in sync as we looked at each other, struggling catch our breaths before giving up and coming back again. His warm lips separating mine to pull my bottom lip between his own, biting gently before letting it go and kissing me sweetly. His hands finally fell from my hair, dropping down my back and resting on my waist. His fingers brushed against the tiny exposed part of my stomach that my shirt had ridden up to expose and my body was set aflame.</p><p>I pulled him down with me as I laid down on the roof, loving the feeling of his hand sliding up my side from the action. I gasped around his mouth, silently begging for more of his touch but was denied when he pulled away completely, removing his hand from my body. He panted as he reached for my hands that were in my hair and pulled them away. He pulled me back up into a sitting position and we breathed together heavily. Our eyes locked as we watched each other and waited for the other to say something.</p><p>“I’ve wanted to do that for so long.” He breathed, gripping the edge of the roof to steady himself. I nodded, taking deep breaths and struggling hard to breathe normally. My heart was still pounding painfully in my chest, punishing me for all of the extra exercise I’d been putting it through.</p><p>“We should go in.” He suggested as he stood. My focus was even worse right then than it was when my friends had gotten me high. I couldn’t focus on anything except the tingly feeling of my lips that had just been against Joji’s and the trail of fire he left on my skin. He offered a hand down to me, smiling gently. I looked up at the man in front of me. His black hair illuminated by the dim glow of the beautiful crescent moon behind his head. I took his hand, letting him pull me to my feet.</p>
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<a name="section0031"><h2>31. I Feel Like Falling</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I decided, against all of my better judgement, to spend the night with Joji like he’d asked me to. Not like I’ve been making amazingly great choices lately anyway, but I knew this was one of the more defining ones. I’d been struggling with myself for a while, and the choice to accept Joji’s plea was a step towards making an actual decision. I was choosing him. </p><p>I followed him back into the apartment, his fingers intertwined with my own as he walked beside me down the hall. When we stepped inside, Chad was gone and Ian and Max were picking up their mess from the coffee table. Their eyes immediately locked onto mine and George’s hands before shooting up to our eyes, wicked grins spreading their faces.  </p><p>“Well, well, well, what do we have here?” Ian teased, glancing at Max who was grabbing onto Ian’s hand and making an exaggerated mock embarrassed face. Joji’s hand held mine firmly in his, pulling me along with him through the living room and into the hallway. He had small smile on his face when I got a look at his face as we stopped beside two large closet doors.  </p><p>“So, if you were going to stay, we have some extra toothbrushes here.” He said a little quieter, seeming shyer than he had previously been, I assumed because of the mention of my staying. He pulled the doors open, revealing shelves of towels, toilet paper, and small baskets filled with random toiletries. “Help yourself to anything.” </p><p>I nodded gratefully at him, receiving a warm smile in return before he turned and walked back down the hall. I pulled a single, gray towel down, intent on showering tonight to wash whatever sand or sweat that clung to my skin from the day. What a hell of a day it had been. I pulled the first tiny basket towards me, standing on my toes to peek at the contents inside. Irish Spring bar soap, a couple packs of cheap razors, 1 new can of shaving cream, and eye drops for dry eyes. I briefly considered taking a bar of soap but I’d know that brand to be extremely stripping so I held out for something better and looked inside the next basket. Inside of that one was nothing but medicine. Nyquil, Advil, band aids, and rubbing alcohol. I pushed that basket back, and pulled the last one forward, hoping for better results. Extra toothbrushes, some mini mouth washes, an unopened box of condoms, and a DVD for the movie Chef, starring Jon Favreau. What the hell is this doing in here? </p><p>I opted for a single red toothbrush, sample toothpaste and a tiny bottle of mouthwash, taking them, sliding the basket back in place, and closing the closet doors. The bathroom was right behind me so I quietly slid inside, flicking on the light and closing the door. The room was steamy, looking just used as a discarded towel sat on the floor in front of the tub and a hand smear still lingered on the mirror.  </p><p>I locked the door before stripping, removing my clothing and bikini beneath it before turning on the water and letting it get hot. I stepping in the shower, feeling immediate pleasure wash over me as the hot water met my skin. My thoughts began drifting, naturally, and I thought back to the kiss. The wonderful, intoxicating, breathless kiss that I’d just experienced with Joji. My fingertips met my bottom lip where I could still feel the tingles and I squealed as quietly to myself as I could, shoving my face in my hands and drenching my hair under the shower.   </p><p>I thought back to his hand on my waist, sliding up my side and how hot it made my entire body feel. I wanted to feel it again. Wait. Would we...? Tonight? While this day was full of exciting firsts, I don’t think taking that step was appropriate yet. The limitations I put on myself frustrated me. I hadn't been playing by the rules in a good long while, why start now? But...things with Joji were already starting off rough because of me, I didn’t want to completely destroy any chance of making this thing last if I could help it. I wanted, at least, to do this right.  </p><p>I sighed heavily, turning around and letting the hot water pelt my back. There were a few different shampoos and soaps sitting on the small shelves in the shower and the realization that I forgot to grab the soap bar hit me then. I inspected the soaps available to me, turning the bottles around to see the labels and trying to decipher which belongs to who. One of the bottles was nearly empty and had a thick sludge of green liquid covering the bottle and pooling below it. That was likely Max’s, I decided. The shampoo above it was specifically for dandruff and a soap bar that was obviously been used but was neatly tucked in the highest corner of the shower, away from the water. Ian.  </p><p>I looked around, moving the shower curtain and finding the last bottle, a 2 in 1 men’s shower gel. I opened the cap and before I could even think to lean in to smell it, his scent filled the shower. George. It smelled just like him, like his deodorant and his chest when I hugged him. My heart skipped and I bit my lip with a smile goofily when my brain shot back to thoughts of him on top of me on the roof.  </p><p>I finished the shower using Joji’s shampoo, and stepped out smelling like him. I brushed my teeth and rinsed my mouth out with the tiny sample mouthwash, feeling better now that I was clean. Now came a new challenge, getting out of the bathroom in a towel. Also, the fact that I had no extra clothing except the clothes I’d worn over my bikini all day. </p><p>I opened the bathroom door, clutching my towel to my chest and holding my discarded clothing in my other hand. I looked out into the dark hallway, seeing no one and taking the opportunity to tip toe my way to Joji’s room. I opened the door and quickly slid inside, closing the door behind me only to come face to face with Joji who held clothing in his hands as he stood over his dresser. His brown eyes met mine before sliding down my body, setting off a reaction in my brain that I didn’t know I had.  </p><p>“I-I had nothing to wear.” I breathed, watching him watch me. I breathed heavily against the door as he came over to me, never breaking eye contact. If he touched me right now, if he kissed me, I would throw away the stupid boundaries I’d just made for myself. I would let the towel drop from my body and allow him to do whatever he wanted with me. His dark eyes bore into mine and I could feel his equally heavy breath blow across my face.  </p><p>I felt something soft being pushed on me so I tore my eyes away from him and down between us where he was handing me the clothing that he’d been holding when I walked in. I looked back up at his pained face but he was looking at my shoulder. </p><p>“I’m gonna take a shower.” He said lowly, pulling his hands back when I took the clothes and taking a hold of the doorknob beside me. I nodded, dazed, moving away from the door and allowing him to exit the bedroom.  </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I dressed in the clothes George gave me, which consisted of a large white t shirt with a weird drawing on it, a pair of his black boxers, and black basketball shorts. I sat on the edge of his bed while I waited for him, unsure yet of our sleeping arrangements and not wanting to assume or come off forward by immediately climbing under the covers. </p><p>If I would’ve told myself a couple months ago that I would be sitting on Joji’s bed, running my hand across the soft white comforter and basking in the sweet scent of him that surrounded me, I would not believe it.  </p><p>His room was dark except for the tiny light of a desk lamp that sat across the room. I looked around at the images on his wall. Some Japanese characters hand written on scraps of paper and taped to the wall. Small pictures of people I didn’t recognize smiling. A Japanese woman…and Joji. I turned around, facing the wall behind me that the right side of the bed was pressed against to get a better look at the photo in the darkness. </p><p>The image was of an older woman smiling at the camera with her arms wrapped around Joji who flashed metal braces as he grinned. He looked so young, his face covered in acne and just the slightest bit skinnier than he was now. Among the photos, I recognized Ian and Max. One photo had Ian and Joji dressed up in suits, possibly the same one George wore last night, and Max between them wearing a white wedding gown. I smiled at the photo before moving on to the next one. A polaroid of George, Max, and Ian standing completely naked in someone’s backyard, holding up peace signs with one hand while their other held their crotches.  </p><p>I crawled onto the bed, closer to the photos where my eyes focused on Joji. His arms, the same ones that held me earlier tonight, bulged in the photo. He looked strained judging by the appearance of the tendons in his neck. My gaze moved lower, to the grooves of the abs on his stomach and the V-shape that formed on his hips. However, the patch of black hair that started beneath his belly button and traveled down until his hand covered the spot is what made my mouth go dry. </p><p>The bedroom door opened and the living version of the polaroid stood at the door, holding a towel around his hips and looking even more incredible in person. His onyx hair dripped with water, falling down onto his shoulders and rolling down his chest as he moved over to his dresser. I looked away, flushing hard at my gaping. Who the hell am I? </p><p>I gave him privacy as he dressed behind me, looking back at the wall of images and recognizing the familiar faces of my friends. Max, Niki, Ian, Joji and Chad, all together at a table in a restaurant or maybe a bar, smiling at the camera. Warmth spread through me as I looked at their happy faces.  </p><p>“That’s my mom.” Joji mumbled, standing beside the bed and pointing at the Japanese woman in the photo with him, the first photo that had caught my attention. “She lives in Japan. I visit her a few times a year.”  </p><p>“I don’t have a picture of my dad up here but he lives in Australia. I go to see him sometimes too.” He said calmly. My breath hitched at his proximity to me while I sat on his bed but I tried to focus on what he was saying instead of falling to pieces like the pathetic person I was. I looked up at the photos, specifically at the photo of his mother and said a silent apology to her for ogling her son just a moment ago. </p><p>George had shared more about his life with me today than he ever had in the months I’d known him. It was normal, I suppose, waiting until you get to know someone before revealing sensitive information. I was grateful for his openness with me, regardless.  </p><p>“So, I’ll see you tomorrow?” He asked me as he pulled a pillow from the spot beside me. My head turned back away from the photos at his words and I spoke before I had thoroughly registered his words. </p><p>“Where are you going?” I asked like an idiot, but he smiled gently at me.  </p><p>“Living room.” He said simply, moving away from the bed and making an exit for the door. I watched him for a quarter second before I reacted purely on emotion, sitting up on my knees as I prepared to jump off the bed if I had to.  </p><p>“Please stay.” I called to him before he even got a hand on the doorknob. George turned his head, looking at me curiously. I would need to explain for the reasoning for my outburst now, of which I had no idea. My only hope was that I didn’t look completely pathetic at this moment.  </p><p>“There’s lot of space.” Was the only dumb thing I could think of to pass of a valid reason for wanting him to stay. The softening look in his eyes told me that that was all he needed though, as he turned back and set the pillow down at the foot of the bed. </p><p>“Are you sure?” His wet black hair fell down his forehead when he looked at me. I’m positive my offer seemed like more than I’d meant it to, but this was his bed after all, and if anyone should sleep on the couch, it should be me. Regardless, sleeping in the same bed with Joji was more than okay with me, despite being not okay at all.  </p><p>I nodded, sitting back down and taking the spot against the wall, pulling the covers down so I could climb into them. He moved to the desk, turning the light off and a moment later I felt the bed dip beside me with his weight. The butterflies fluttered wildly at the realization that Joji was lying in bed beside me, his body only inches from mine. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to calm my rapidly beating heart and mental cursing myself for acting like such a school girl.  </p><p>He laid down on his back, looking up at the ceiling and I copied him. We laid together, not touching but there was an unmistakable electricity in the air that begged me to do something about it.  </p><p>“I’m gonna be blunt,” He spoke in the darkness. “I want to kiss you again but I won't, cause if I do, I don’t think I’ll be able to stop.”  </p><p>My heart and body reacted to his words and I swallowed down the saliva that began quickly pooling in my mouth. I felt the exact same way, but was glad that he said it first so I only nodded in response, though I’m sure he couldn’t see it. Please do it anyway. Heat gathered between my legs and I closed my eyes, trying to fight the response that he’d elicited from me.  </p><p>“I understand.” I replied shakily, staring into the pitch black of the room. My wet hair gathered on the pillow below me, soaking his pillow. It was turning cold with the air, making me shiver. </p><p>George turned his head just the smallest bit, noticing my shiver and reaching over me to pull the covers higher up my body. I could cry, then. Every little bit of care he showed me etched permanently in my mind. Why was he so nice to me? I didn’t want to think about it because if I did, he would come up and I couldn’t ruin this. I blinked back any tears that threatened to form before he could notice those too and turned over to my side, facing the wall where I looked up again at the smiling faces of my friends.  </p><p>I closed my eyes, listening to Joji’s even breaths behind me and committing the sound to memory.  </p><p>“Goodnight Olivia.” He whispered. I didn’t reply at first, instead savoring the sound of my name on his lips. I leaned back a little, looking at him over my shoulder and holding my hand up in the air between us. His eyes opened, gazing at my hand and then over at me. A smile overtook his face as he closed his eyes again and placed his hand in mine, threading his fingers through mine. I pulled his arm back with me when I turned over again, forcing him to his side behind me and immediately being enveloped in the heat of his body. His chest rising and falling steadily against my back, his hand clutched to my chest as he cuddled me. I’m positive he could feel my heart racing against his hand, but he didn’t say anything.  </p><p>“Goodnight Joji.”</p>
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<a name="section0032"><h2>32. Feels Good Till It Doesn't</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>My eyes opened to bright white light. I closed them again, groaning and wiggling closer to the overwhelming heat that enveloped me from behind. A soft sigh of satisfaction escaped me as I settled against a wall of heat and tugged harder at the warmth in front of me, pulling it closer wanting to be completely encased. I registered a weight on my head and my eyes opened again, peering at the white wall in front of me that was illuminated by blinding sunlight.  </p><p>I inhaled deeply, blinking a few times and stretching my legs. I felt another pair of legs on entangled with my own. The wall in front of me came into focus and I saw a black haired boy crouched by water, looking away from the camera. I didn’t recognize the boy or the photo and I blinked at it in confusion before my eyes moved down to Niki and Joji’s familiar faces, smiling at me. The weight on my head shifted, rubbing against my hair and groaning quietly. I froze at the realization that I was in George’s room. In his bed. </p><p>His arm wrapped tightly around me, his hand curling under my ribcage and pulling me tightly against his chest. His head shifted, resettling comfortably with his face pressed into the space between my neck and shoulder. His hot breath blowing down over my neck and collarbone and sending electricity racing down my spine. My free arm rose up behind me to splay my fingers out and scratch his scalp. </p><p>Joji moaned deeply right into my ear and the electricity in my body immediately turned into flames. My breath stopped at the sound, but my fingers didn’t. I wanted to hear it again. My nails scraped lightly at his scalp. Locks of jet-black hair sliding between my fingers as I pushed from the front of his head to the back. I was rewarded again with another moan; not as loud but just as pleasure filled. </p><p>“Olivia.” He groaned as his arm that was wrapped around me loosened and came to rest on my hip. I pulled my hand back with a laugh as removed his face from the crook of my neck and buried it in my hair instead. “What are you doing?” His muffled voice asked. </p><p>“Nothing.” I replied, turning over so that I was on my back, looking up at him. His hand settled on the bed beside me. Joji peered at me from one eye, his iris catching the light and looking amber, like they were filled with honey. I reached over to touch the bag under his eye that sometimes looked dark or puffy, but today were hardly noticeable.  </p><p>“Hi.” I greeted him, my hand sliding down his cheek and over the tiny black hairs that grew along his jaw. He smiled that gorgeous grin of his and it made my heart pounded so wildly that I was sure he could feel it. I still couldn’t believe what had happened last night but the fact that I was here right now with him was the only indicator that last night wasn’t a dream. It felt so right, like I belonged here with him. </p><p>“Hi,” He whispered in reply. His hand slid up my side and came to rest just below my ribs. “How did you sleep?” He asked as his fingers picked at the fabric of my shirt. I smiled. </p><p>“Great. You?” I rolled back to my side to face him and took his hand in mine. He yawned, facing away politely and stretched our conjoined hands over his head. </p><p>“Best I’ve slept in a while.”  </p><p>His yawn influenced my own and I shoved my face down into my arm as to not bother him with my morning breath, though judging by his kisses a minute ago, I doubted he minded much. When I turned back to him, he enveloped me in his arms, pressing my face against his chest. He hummed, burying his face in my hair once again and sighing. </p><p>“We should just stay here all day.” He mumbled, kissing my forehead. My heart raced. I wanted to say yes because so far every suggestion he’d made had been a good one, but I knew I couldn’t, so stayed silent. We laid there for a little while, in each other’s arms, before a knock resonated at the door. </p><p>“Are you cunts decent in there?” Ian called from the other side, rasping on the door three times before waiting for a reply. I sat up, leaving Joji’s arms. </p><p>“Yeah.” I replied to him, stretching my arms over my head just as Ian pushed open the door and peeked around the edge. He looked at me and down at Joji beside me before pushing the door open fully and standing in the frame. </p><p>“We’re getting food, want any?” He asked. I looked down at Joji who was watching me with the cutest little smile. I laid back down in his arms and was immediately brought back into his embrace. </p><p>“Aw, so cute. So, food or not?” Ian sighed, crossing his arms. Chad’s face peeked around the door behind Ian, his eyes widening at Joji and I.  </p><p>“Oh shit, when did this happen?” He asked incredulously. “Ya seal the deal, mate?”  </p><p>I heard Joji’s breath hitch at the question and I grinned. He sat up on his elbows, keeping one arm around my back while his other pointed at the door. </p><p>“Get the fuck out.” </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I ate quietly beside George and the boys on the couch as they all watched television and talked among themselves. Ian and George split the bill for breakfast, ordering delivery from a local Denny’s because they, apparently, couldn’t cook an egg between the 4 of them.  </p><p>I was happy for the first time in a long time as my sunlight sat right next me, stuffing his face with pancakes and laughing at something on the tv. My heart was full, I had all I needed right here. But it didn’t take away the worry and anxiety inside me as I realized I’d have to go home and face Gavin again. I told myself I would stop the lies and I intended to keep that promise. I wouldn’t tell him I was at Niki’s or that there was an emergency. It was really time to let Gavin go. Joji said yesterday that I wouldn’t be able to fix Gavin and he was right. I knew he was right.  </p><p>Guilt bubbled in my stomach at and I ached at the thought of leaving him. As awful as he could be sometimes, he was my entire life. Every memory I have included him, I had grown dependent on him. Maybe he was a little piece of me that I wasn’t ready to let go of.  </p><p>I looked around the room at the boys as they ate and laughed. George’s barely visible dimples appeared on his cheeks as he laughed with a full mouth. He could bring light to any room and the way he made me feel was unlike anything I’d ever encountered, even with Gavin. Gav was there when I needed him. He took me away from California and gave me an opportunity to stand on my own. I would forever be grateful to him for that, truly. But now he’d become detrimental to both of our health. I was suffocating. My hands shook as my thoughts slithered to a conclusion. I knew what needed to be done but I wasn’t sure I was strong enough in any capacity to do it.  </p><p>Last night I told myself I had made a decision but as I prepared myself to confront it, I chickened out.  </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>After breakfast, Joji drove me back to my apartment. We sat in the car in front of the building, with an unspoken tension lingering in the air. I looked out the passenger window, up at the dark living room window above. </p><p>“You can stay with me, you know,” George said from the driver’s side, catching my attention. “I’ll go up with you to grab some clothes and you can just move in.” He was so fucking sweet it hurt. I smiled gratefully at him. </p><p>“There’s some stuff I need to take care of before any of that.” I told him earnestly, hoping he’d understand. His eyes looked sad but he nodded. I unbuckled my seat belt and went to open the door but his hand caught mine. </p><p>“Please call me if you need anything.” He said gently, his hand moving up to my face to cup my cheek.  </p><p>“I will.” I agreed, pulling open the car door and stepping out into the daylight. The white shirt Joji gave me for bed last night ruffled against my skin as a strong breeze swept past me. I could have put on my clothes from the beach yesterday, but I figured the oversized shirt and basketball shorts George lent me were good enough. I grabbed the bag he’d given me for my discarded swimsuit and clothing from yesterday and brought it with me. He leaned over the passenger seat, coming into view again. </p><p>“I’ll see you tonight, then.” George told me, sitting back as I closed the door. I stuck my tongue out at him, waving goodbye before turning and walking up the steps to my building. He sat in the car, watching me with a frown until I disappeared inside.  </p><p>I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous as hell for what could be waiting upstairs. With shaky hands, I moved the mat in front of my door and picked up the spare key. I jammed the key inside the deadbolt, turning the knob and opening the door slowly. </p><p>The apartment was dim, only being lit by the tiny light in the kitchen and the glow of the television. The curtains were drawn, allowing no natural light inside and I almost huffed in amusement at how appropriate it was if it wasn’t for the fact I was scared shitless.  </p><p>Gavin’s body was slumped against the couch, his eyes meeting mine as I stepped further inside.  </p><p>“Where have you been?” His voice aloof as his eyes raked over my body, taking in my state of dress. I kept the door in my hand, ready to bolt at the first sign of danger.  </p><p>“You know where I’ve been.” I felt silly speaking so cryptically but it was true, I know he knew where I had been. He wiped at his mouth with the back of his hand and that’s when I noticed the bottle in his hand.  </p><p>“Which one of them did you fuck?” He maintained his composure as he looked away from me and back at the tv.  </p><p>“None.” I answered honestly. I didn’t need to lie about that part but he certainly didn’t need to know that I had kissed one of them and spent the night in his bed. Gavin nodded with an amused smirk and took a drink from his bottle.  </p><p>“Then why didn’t you come home again? Or answer my calls?” He set the bottle down on the table and my eyes scanned the floor around him for any other bottles or cans he might’ve gone through but found nothing. I shifted my weight between my feet nervously. </p><p>I wanted to stay with George was the correct answer. I opened my mouth to reply, though I don’t know what I was about to say. I couldn’t keep lying but I didn’t know how well telling the truth would go over with him.  </p><p>“I get it.” He said after I hesitated too long to answer. I watched him sit up and lean forward with his elbows on his knees before speaking again. “You’ve got your new friends and they don’t like me. That’s fine, whatever. That doesn’t mean you’re allowed to stay overnight at their apartment without asking me or wear their fucking clothes home.” He glared at me after his eyes scoured over my clothing—uh, George’s clothing, once again.  </p><p>The bag that held my swimsuit and clothes from the beach yesterday was being gripped tight in my hand. When I realized, I dropped it to the ground by the door and made contact with Gavin again. </p><p>“I’m allowed to do whatever I want, I’m an adult.” I said coolly; the words coming out so strong on their own that I almost didn’t realize they’d come from me.  </p><p>“You are not allowed to do whatever the fuck you want, you’re my girlfriend.” He ground out in reply. I was getting frustrated now, but I tried hard to remain calm. We needed to talk seriously and this argument wasn’t going to go anywhere.  </p><p>“I think we should talk about that.” The second the words left my mouth, his eyebrow perked up in question and he sat up straight.  </p><p>“Oh?”  </p><p>I closed the door behind me finally, deciding to stay by the door just in case but not wanted the neighbors to hear the conversation about to take place. I leaned back against the door and took a deep breath. This was it, the moment I’d dreamed about for years that I only now had the strength to go through with. Thanks to him, my sunlight.  </p><p>I turned on the light switch on the wall beside me and looked back at Gavin. He looked tired, his hair matted to his head and dark bags forming under his eyes like he’d stayed up all night... perhaps waiting on me. Guilt sparked inside me but I pushed it down.  </p><p>“I don’t think this relationship is healthy.” I copied Joji’s words as a start, suddenly wishing I would have let him come up here with me. Gavin’s eyes narrowed into a glare from where he sat. </p><p>“In what way?”  </p><p>I stared at him in disbelief while the anger flared up inside me. </p><p>“What do you mean in what way? You refuse to take your pills, you are an alcoholic, y-you hit me, you--” I was cut off as Gavin stood up and the anger inside me was immediately replaced by fear. I shut my mouth and he maintained his distance.  </p><p>“All I’m hearing is ‘you, you, you’. What about you Olivia? Or are you too perfect you don’t have any flaws?” He challenged me, his fists balling at his sides and I could sense his anger rising as well.  </p><p>“I never said that.”  </p><p>“Of course you are. Saying the relationship isn't healthy and only listing shit I’ve done. You’re selfish and refuse to acknowledge it! Where have you been all night Liv? Or the last few fucking months? Did you ever think maybe I needed you?” He yelling quieted down by the end as he took a step towards me. I grit my teeth in annoyance and frustration as he refused to let me speak. </p><p>“You haven't been taking your pills or seeing your therapist, I don’t see how that’s my fault. Plus, you haven't tried to talk to me about how you’re feeling so why are you acting like it's me who's been ignoring you?” I stood my ground against him and I was proud. I could feel Niki’s voice in my ear egging me on, encouraging me to stand up for myself. He always had a nasty habit of gaslighting me and I refused to let it happen. </p><p>“Ever since you met those fucking people you’ve changed!” He yelled louder and took another step closer to me. </p><p>“What do they have to do with you?” I shot back and watched as his face pinched in anger. “You are completely grasping for straws now. I’m trying to tell you that we are not healthy, this is not healthy. You’re only proving my point by trying to divert the blame onto my friends who have nothing to do with this.” I crossed my arms over my chest, not holding myself for comfort like I normally would during arguments like these, but rather in triumph.  </p><p>“Fuck you and your friends. You’re a selfish bitch.” He spat, turning around and grabbing for his keys that sat on the coffee table. I moved away from the door as he approached and reached for the handle. He paused and turned around as he stood in the doorframe. </p><p>“I’m going to work.” And with that he was gone; the door slammed behind him and his loud footsteps lessened in volume as he descended down the stairs.  </p><p>I let my arms drop as I slid to the floor and exhaled a shaky breath. I don’t know what this meant, but it was good. I could feel in my bones that it was good.</p>
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<a name="section0033"><h2>33. Gimme Love</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“They’re beautiful, Joji.” I smiled as I lifted one of the delicate green leaves with my index finger. Joji had brought me to his private garden in the backyard the next day. I went to work like normal yesterday after my fight with Gavin and told George what happened. He was just happy nothing happened to me and hugged me tight in his booth before letting me return to my work duties. </p><p>Things were awkward between Gavin and I this morning when we saw each other again. He’d gone to bed on the couch and refused to so much as make eye contact with me until he went to work. That’s when he’d shot me a nasty glare as he left the apartment. To be honest, I didn’t really mind it. As soon as he left, I showered, dressed, and made my way over to the boys’ apartment where I was now.  </p><p>George lifted his head to grin at me from where he stood in the sand of his Zen garden. He held a large broom against his shoulder as he smoothed the sand over, erasing the previously drawn patterns that had been distorted by the wind.  </p><p>“It represents water.” he’d told me earlier when I asked what the purpose of raking the sand was. “The ‘purpose’ is to imitate the way water moves. So, for example you’d rake around that rock in the sand to create ripples like waves around an island.” He pointed at the single rock that sat on top of the sand and looked up at me with a beautiful smile. I watched him lift the broom and lean up against the fence before he reached for a large wooden rake and held the tool out to me. I took it from his hands hesitantly. </p><p>“Water is one of the most powerful forces on Earth. It has the power to break down mountains or create valleys...wash away sins.” He looked up with a devilish grin and gestured for me to proceed. I walked around the stone, dragging the rake carefully behind me and trying hard to keep the lines as perfect as possible. </p><p>“But I use it to relax.” He watched me as I completed the circle around the stone and lifted the rake away. I took a step back, admiring my work and returning his smile.  </p><p>Afterward he’d shown me his raised flowerbed where a little tree, tiny plants and flowers blossomed beautifully. I took notice of one of the smaller green vegetations and touched it’s leaves gently. </p><p>“There’s garlic in that pot over there.” George pointed to one of the many large ceramic flower pots in the corner of his patio. “And basil in that little one.” </p><p>I followed him over, letting him show off the plants he’d grown that he was so proud of. The smile never left his face until he started talking about the bugs that were eating his tomatoes. I laughed at his angry but passionate declaration of hatred for the little green bugs that crawled all over his plants. </p><p>“Buy some ladybugs.” I told him. He paused, looking at me in confusion. “Ladybugs eat aphids.”  </p><p>“Where the hell do you buy ladybugs?” </p><p>“They used to sell them at Home Depot when I was a kid. Maybe they still do?” I shrugged. Joji looked back down at his plants and hummed.  </p><p>“Alright.” He agreed as he squatted down beside his potted plants inspected the leaves. I looked up at the sky as the sun was setting and the clouds were turning orange. The string lights above my head were turned off but I wondered how beautiful the space back here would look with them on.  </p><p>“Maybe it was me who should've given you the peace lily.” I mused. He stood up, wiping his hands on his joggers and huffed a laugh.  </p><p>“I think you need it more than me.”  </p><p>“You think so, rat chef?”  </p><p>He laughed out loud, grinning so widely his beautiful creases wrinkled in the corners of his eyes. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I lifted my tray full of drinks from the bar slowly. </p><p>“Got it?” Ian asked, holding his hands underneath as I pulled the tray closer and wrapped both of my hands around the rim. I nodded. </p><p>“Of course.” I smiled cheekily, taking a step back and bumping into one of the bar stools. The tray shook, causing the liquids to slosh around in their glasses and Ian’s eyes to widen behind his glasses. I paused, letting the tray settle and looking down at my feet, carefully moving around the stool and stepping away from the bar.  </p><p>“Amateur.” He scoffed, dropping his hands to the countertop and arching a brow at me. I laughed, turning around carefully and narrowly avoiding a woman who danced right in front of me. I swerved around her, carrying the tray through the crowd of dancing customers as carefully as I could. We were hosting a wedding reception tonight. The bride and groom hauled up in the dining area behind a large white folding table that Niki and I had classied up with a white table cloth and some candles. Their guests filled the room, sitting at the bar, dancing on the floor, drinking at the tables. Niki and I had our hands full to say the least. Well, Chad actually too. We were closed to the public for the private event and so Chad’s bouncer services were deemed ineffectual by Ethan, who’d showed up for the first time since I began working and directed us on how the bride wanted her decorations put up.  </p><p>The reception had been going on for a while now. Half of the guests, including the bride and groom themselves, were wasted. Niki, Chad, and I struggled to keep up with the alcohol demand while also simultaneously cleaning up the messes in the seating area. So far, we’d had 4 incidents of glass being dropped or smashed and 6 spills that required mopping and ‘wet floor’ signs...not like anyone paid attention to them. </p><p>I carried the full tray over to the tables, spotting Niki grumbling angrily on her knees as she carefully picked up large chunks of glass from the floor. Make that 5 incidents.  </p><p>I stopped in front of the bride and groom’s table, reaching up to the tray that balanced between my right shoulder and hand and grabbing a short glass. I placed it down in front of the groom. </p><p>“Whiskey sour,” I reached up again, sliding another short glass closer with my fingertips before getting a good grip and placing it in front of the bride. “and 2 shots of goose. Can I get you anything else?” I asked, lowering the tray back between both of my hands for a better grip. The couple pulled away from their sloppy kiss, the groom taking the drink and sucking it down like it was water in the Sahara and the bride smiling goofily at me through half open eyes. </p><p>“No, tank...oh, thanks. We’re good.” She slurred, grabbing her husband's cheek and forcing his mouth back to hers. Dribble from his drink leaked from between their mouths and I looked away in disgust.  </p><p>I served the rest of the guests, picking up a couple more orders and sighing as I made my way back to the bar with an empty tray once again.  </p><p>“One Manhattan, two jacks, one scotch and something called ‘a quick fuck’?” I peered at my writing on the notepad and slapped it down on the counter top in front of Ian. He leaned over, flipping the notepad around and reading the orders. We were off to the side of the bar, away from customers where I usually came to chat with Ian when business was slow. </p><p>“What the hell is a quick fuck?” He asked in confusion, looking away from the paper and pulling his phone from his pocket.  </p><p>“Usually that’s when you meet a girl, fuck her in the clacker, and rack off, right?” Chad joked, coming up beside me and placing his empty tray down on the bar. Ian and I looked up at him. </p><p>“What the fuck did you just say?” Ian asked seriously, staring at Chad who’s smile fell from his pink cheeks.  </p><p>“I hate Americans.” He sighed. Ian’s brow rose over the rim of his glasses at the comment and he put his phone down. </p><p>“You’re in our country, you Aussie prick. Get the fuck out.” Ian snapped, glaring at Chad who leaned onto the counter, coming face to face with his friend.  </p><p>“I will, and I’m taking Max back with me. Fat American bogan.”  </p><p>“You are fucking fat!” Ian laughed, standing up straight and picking up his phone again. Chad grinned, enjoying the exchange just as much as I was and tossing his notepad onto the counter. Ian scrolled quickly through his phone, before pocketing it again. “Got it.” </p><p>I watched him turn around and begin pulling bottles off the shelves and a spoon out of the cutlery drawer under the bar. </p><p>“Okay, I’m gonna go see George real quick, I’ll be back.” I said, pushing back against the counter and stepping backwards while I waited for a response. Ian rolled his eyes, nodding. </p><p>“Yeah, whatever. Actually come back quickly this time.” He shot at me as he poured dark liquid into a tiny shot glass. I nodded, smiling and turning around to head into the crowd. I pushed through the sea of pink illuminated people, being bumped a couple of times and almost being elbowed in the face by a large woman who swung her arms around wildly.  </p><p>I spotted George in his booth, his figure glowing pink under the overhead lights but his face lit up white by the screen of his computer. Music was pumping from the large speakers in front of his booth, but he didn’t seem to be actively contributing to any of it as he peered at his screen. I was nearly deafened by the speakers as I climbed up the small platform to his box, coming up behind him and lightly touching his elbow. </p><p>He jumped, looking over his shoulder at me and hitting a key on his computer that closed whatever window he’d had open. He turned to fully face me, wrapping his arms around my middle. </p><p>“Hi.” He greeted, keeping his arms around me and hugging me to his chest. My face pressed into his chest, enjoying the warmth of his body and his comforting scent. I looked up at him, his normally messy head of hair was mostly hidden under a black beanie except for the few strands that stuck out around his ears and the back of his head. He wore a gray sweatshirt tonight that was too long on his arms and fell over his hands. </p><p>“Hi.”  </p><p>He swayed lightly with me, resting his cheek against the top of my head and staring at the wall behind us. I glanced over at the bar where Chad was still chatting with Ian and my tray had two of the five drinks I needed to deliver. Niki had approached with an empty tray as well, dropping it onto the counter and looking exhausted.  </p><p>“How’s it going down there?” He asked, flipping his head over to look over the room.  </p><p>“Busy.” I sighed. My feet had been a little sore from walking back and forth all night but I think my arms felt the worst of it. The weight of the tray strained my arms and shoulder, making them hurt by the end of the night, every night. </p><p>A hand came up under my chin, tipping my face up to look at him. His dark eyes looked into mine, and something flickered in his eyes. Maybe it was the lights that spun around the room, that was entirely possible and even more plausible, but I liked to think it was something else.  </p><p>“I’m sorry. Hold on, okay?” He turned away from me, clicking some buttons on his sound board and taking a hold of the silver microphone that sat perched above the desk. The music turned down significantly, catching the attention of most of the crowd.  </p><p>“Excuse me ladies and gentlemen,” Joji spoke into the microphone, his voice coming out over the room through the speakers. I stepped back, letting his figure block mine from view. “The best man and maid of honor have prepared some words for the bride and groom tonight. If I could just have them come up to the booth.”  </p><p>George pulled the microphone off of its stand, stepping back and standing beside me as two drunken people stumbled through the crowd and up to platform. Above the room, Max set a spotlight on the best man and maid of honor. Joji handed the man the microphone, watching with me as the guy cleared his throat loudly into the mic and struggled to pull himself together.  </p><p>“Hey, what's up?” The man pulled at his tie, loosening it and stepping away from us and moving over to the crowd. “My name’s Dylan, I uh, I’m Ryan’s best friend and best man and um....” The man, who looked to be about my age, looked around the room nervously. </p><p>“So anyway, Ryan’s a super cool dude. We went to college together, had lots of crazy fun nights. Oh dude, remember when that fuckin murder happened on frat row? Some dude like murdered a bunch of people at a party and the cops caught him just walking down our street. That was fuckin crazy.”  </p><p>George nudged me with his elbow, grinning and trying hard to contain his laughter. I shook my head in disapproval but was finding it hard to withhold my own smile.  </p><p>“And then there's, like, Katie. Super cool chick, uh... yeah. I just want to wish you guys a chill life and yeah.” Scattered applauses erupted in the room as the man handed the microphone to the girl beside him, setting off the feedback that screeched loudly throughout the room. The spotlight glared down, and I'm almost positive Max had turned the brightness up on purpose to scare the poor girl. My suspicions were confirmed when I looked up and caught sight of Max laughing in the rafters.  </p><p>“Hi, I’m Melissa. I’m the maid of honor.” The girl cleared her throat and wiped at her forehead. A hundred people, more or less, stared at her, waiting for her speech. I felt bad for her as she stuttered and swayed in her spot. “I-I met Katie at summer camp when we were six.” The girl felt around her dress, sticking her hand in front of her dress and pulling a folded piece of paper from her bra. </p><p>“I met Katie at summer camp when we were six,” She said again, focusing hard on the paper while trying to keep the microphone close to her face. Her voice sounded robotic when she read out loud. “We began instant best friends and made macramé wall hangings together. When we were thirteen, we went to the movies and that’s where Katie met Ryan. We stalked him on Facebook and eventually they began dating.” The girl looked up from her paper, scanning the room before continuing her speech.  </p><p>“I’m proud to say I was there since day one. I helped Katie hunt down her soulmate and now here we are, four years later, at your wedding reception. I’m so happy for you both, I... uh I can’t wait until I’m aunt Melissa.” The girl finished, folding up the paper again and shuffling over to Joji, holding the microphone out to him and quickly dashing back down into the darkness of the crowd. The crowd erupted into enthusiastic applause and the spotlight moved to George, blinding both of us.  </p><p>“Alright, cool. That’s it for speeches, please enjoy the rest of the night.” He said into the mic, the spotlight faded out, being replaced by the pink overhead lights that saturated the crowd and us. George clicked a switch on the microphone, turning it off and returning it to its stand. He clicked some glowing buttons on the board and suddenly the music rose back up to the volume it had been before. </p><p>“Let’s go.” Joji turned, smiling at me and taking my hand in his. I looked curiously at him, letting him pull me down from the booth and through the crowd. We stopped at the bar where Ian was shaking a silver cocktail shaker and looking at us disapprovingly.  </p><p>“That was not quick.” Ian grumbled, putting the shaker down and pushing my full tray closer to me. George let go of my hand, grabbing the tray and lifting it up to his shoulder. </p><p>“What are you doing, those are-?” I tried objecting but was interrupted. </p><p>“Where do these go?” He asked, steadying the tray and looking down at me. I glanced at Ian, who looked back at me with a shrug as he poured the liquid from the shaker into a glass. </p><p>“Um, the tables... but-.” Joji started walking away from me before I could continue so I followed him. He moved easily through the crowd, lifting the tray above his head when someone got too close and managing to keep them all from spilling.  </p><p>“Why are you doing this?” I asked as we reached the tables and he finally looked back down at me.  </p><p>“You are tired. I wasn’t doing anything so I came to help,” Joji told me like it was obvious, looking into my eyes and then over at the drinks. “So, who’s drink is who's?”  </p><p>My heart pounded rapidly, spreading warmth throughout my body as I looked at him, stunned.  </p><p>“Um, over there.” I pointed to two men in the corner. His eyes followed my finger, nodding and making his way over to the table. I watched him speaking to the men before reaching up to grab their drinks and place them down gently in front of them. He looked back over at me, mouthing the words ‘help.’  </p><p>Together, we served the last of that tray and another dozen drinks after that until the reception died down as guests slowly made their way out. Niki and I were on the phone for an hour calling taxis and Ubers for some of the more drunken guests as Chad and George finished serving alcohol.  </p><p>It was 2:48 am when the last hammered woman slid inside the back of a yellow cab and I waved her off outside. I watched the taxi drive down the street, the red tail lights finally disappearing around the corner. The inside was a wreck, though not as bad as I could have been if we hadn't been cleaning throughout the night, I supposed. I sighed as I stepped back inside, locking the door to the entrance and turning to face the rest of the work left. Ian was busy rinsing glasses and setting them down in the dishwasher behind the bar; Chad and Joji were collecting leftover napkins and glasses from the tables. Niki was sweeping up more glass from the floor into a dustpan, and Max was...nowhere to be found.  </p><p>I made my way to the bar, bending down to open the drawer behind the counter that held the cleaning chemicals and grabbed a rag and all-purpose cleaning solution. I stood and began spraying the bar with the solution. </p><p>“Thanks, I was about to do that.” Ian mumbled from behind me, turning back around to the sink where he was elbows deep in soapy, steaming water. The dishwasher looked a little less than half full and he still had glasses lined up on the counter beside him. </p><p>“No problem.” I replied, wiping down the bottom counter where Ian usually mixed the drinks and cut lemons and such. I moved the containers that sat on top to the miniature fridge below the bar and sprayed cleaning solution where they had been.  </p><p>“So...” Ian began as I was wiping some discarded olives into my hand and tossing them in the trash can beside him. “You and George?” He smirked.  </p><p>I smiled to myself before looking over to Joji who was laughing hysterically as Chad stood on one of the tables and belly danced. I returned back to Ian who was watching me with interest. </p><p>“Yeah?” I asked prudently as he pushed his glasses up with his shoulder. His arms that rose from the water dripped with water and suds.  </p><p>“Maybe it’s too soon to ask what’s going on with that but we’re all curious.” He was being a good friend to George right now and I knew that, but I couldn't help but clam up. I looked away from him and focused on wiping the counter while I thought of a good answer. </p><p>I don’t really know what's going on with Joji; whatever we were. Well... that’s a lie. I knew what I was doing but I couldn’t bear to make myself say it out loud. I was acting on emotion and accepting the comfort and affection from someone who made my heart race simply with his presence. I couldn’t really blame myself...could I? </p><p>“Don't get me wrong, I think you’re good for him. He hasn’t been this happy in a while.” Ian smiled to himself as he dropped his hands back down in the steaming water and pulled out a glass. </p><p>“Really?” I couldn’t stop myself. He nodded, placing the glass on the top rack of the dishwasher. </p><p>“I don’t know how much of the Frank shit he told you about, but last year he made it public that he was done and it’s been a downward spiral since then. People ripping into him every chance they got, trying to dox him and sending death threats and shit Then that chick breaking up with him when she found out...” Ian shook his head, taking another glass in his hand and wiping it clean before setting it down alongside the others. “It’s been a hard year for him.” </p><p>“Oh.” I guess I understood now what Joji had meant when he said the videos caused him stress. I thought back to the sticky notes on his laptop and how he needed to remind himself every time he opened his computer not to look at the comments. I looked across the room at George and watched him climb up onto the tiny black table with Chad and start dancing. </p><p>“Don’t tell him I said anything. None of us are supposed to, but I figure you should know. Plus, the cunt never listens to anything I say, so fuck him.” Ian joked, laughing lightly. I gave him a half smile in return. </p><p>“Anyway, I don’t mean to get in your business but... you are one of us so you should be used to it by now.” Ian scrubbed at some knives and placed them in the utensils rack inside the dishwasher before turning his body to face me. “I say this as your friend. Please don’t waste his time. He’s a romantic and he’ll wait for you even if it hurts him. So, be with him or don’t, but don’t jerk him around.”  </p><p>Ian’s voice never wavered; he was dead serious as his brown eyes bore into mine behind his thick rimmed glasses. I couldn’t find words to reply with so I simply nodded. I understood him perfectly and he understood me. I didn’t even need to say what it was earlier that I was doing because Ian, George, and all our friends already knew.  </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Ian and I cleaned up the bar together quicker than he would have if he was alone. I was only able to help him because of George and Chad, though. Normally by the time Niki and I finish with the table, Ian was already finished with the bar. I still hadn't seen Max, but I didn’t really think about it too much. I swept the dance floor while Niki was vacuuming the main entrance and the boys were outside smoking.  </p><p>George had left couple’s reception playlist on from earlier and one particularly slow, romantic song filled the room as I swept. I glanced over at Niki who was still too busy vacuuming to notice me so I took the opportunity to use the broom handle as a microphone and mouthed the words of the song into it. I stopped to check my surroundings again, and when I felt sure no one was around to see me I continued, swaying with the broom. I clutched the broom handle between my hands, singing quietly into it. When the singer hit a high note, I mouthed mine, closing my eyes and pulling the broom handle back as if I were actually singing.  </p><p>A familiar laugh stopped me and I turned around quickly to see Joji walking up behind me with an amused grin. My face burned from embarrassment and I looked away. </p><p>“Please don’t stop, that was cute.” He said, stopping in front of me smelling heavily of cigarettes. I shook my head, holding the broom away from me. </p><p>“That was embarrassing. I thought I was alone.” I admitted, looking at his black shoes. He stepped closer, pushing the broom out of my hand and making it clatter on the hard floor. He took my wrists in his hands, pulling them up to his neck and leaving them there as his arms wrapped around my waist. </p><p>“Fine, then dance with me.” Joji demanded, pulling my body against his and smiling down lightly at me. My fingers intertwined behind his neck as I allowed him to sway us. I felt like I was at a middle school dance and almost laughed at it until I caught the look in his eyes. He was watching me seriously, looking deeply into my eyes. Suddenly I felt like I couldn’t breathe, not when he was looking at me like that, saying things to me with his eyes that he couldn’t with his mouth.  </p><p>All of the lights in the room turned out then, shielding us in darkness only for half a second before a dim spotlight turned on above us. George and I both looked up, unable to see anything except for the light but both knowing that Max was behind it. George looked back down at me, grinning and pulling me around with him in small circles. We swayed slowly, my face nestling against his neck and his chin coming to settle down on top of my head. My heart raced the entire time, but I wasn’t alone. I could feel his pulse against my cheek; he was just as nervous as I was.  </p><p>When the song faded, Joji lifted his head from on top of mine and looking down at me. I looked up, still moving with him. His forehead pressed against mine softly, closing his eyes. I watched his mouth open and stay open for a minute before he sighed and closed it.  </p><p>“What?” I smiled. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I registered another song beginning to play around us as we kept moving together. I was trying and failing to glide gracefully, side stepping around his feet as to not trip either of us. </p><p>I felt his fingers flex on the small of my back before he looked back up at me, his dark eyes meeting mine. </p><p>“Beautiful angel. Please be mine.” George mumbled, flashing me a sheepish smile.  </p><p>My face set fire at his words. I opened my mouth to reply but all that came out was a shaky breath of air. He didn’t give me a chance to say anything, however, as his head dipped down to capture my lips in our second ever kiss and it took my breath away. </p><p>I think we stopped swaying, but I wasn’t really sure. All I knew was that I nodded my head in acceptance and Joji pulled his lips from mine. Stars burned in his eyes as he trailed kisses all over my face from my cheeks to my forehead and the tip of my nose before his lips found mine again. He pulled me tight as his mouth moved against mine and the butterflies that once filled my stomach evolved into something else, something stronger. Something so divine and ethereal that it’s mere presence inside me filled me with joy so intense I nearly cried.  </p><p>No, I wouldn’t hurt him... I couldn’t hurt him.</p>
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<a name="section0034"><h2>34. Mr. Miyashiro</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Ariana Grande.” He admitted as he played with my fingers. I tilted my head, getting a good look at his face and fixing him with an odd look. </p><p>“Really?” I asked, shaking my head and looking back up where the sunlight scattered across the ceiling. He stopped fiddling with my hands to glare at me.  </p><p>“What? You fuckin asked.” He turned back; his head rubbing against mine. I giggled from my side of the pillow that we shared. We were in his room again, picking up our game of 20 questions before work. I found myself here every day this week, spending all my time with George and our friends. It was complete heaven on Earth just being in his company.  </p><p>It had been a few days since my argument with Gavin and we were completely avoiding each other. Not that I minded, of course, but it left everything between us up in the air. The closer Joji and I became, the farther Gavin and I grew apart. The choice had never been clearer. Maybe I was just making excuses for myself, but I was scared to take the leap and move out. Leaving it all behind and starting fresh was scary, okay? </p><p>Joji, as generous and sweet as he was, didn’t pressure me. It had only been a week since our first kiss and we were still getting to know each other, but the elephant never left the room. When he kissed me, the question lingered. </p><p>When are you going to leave him? </p><p>Or I was being paranoid as always. Joji never said anything, Ian didn’t say anything again after the first time, and Niki was just happy that all of her ‘hard work’ had come to fruition. I tried not to think about it now, not when he was right here next to me.  </p><p>“Yours?” He asked as two of his fingers walked up my hand. I hummed, thinking and coming up with nothing, so I shrugged. </p><p>“I never really had one.” I yawned, flipping my hand over as it lie on his chest and allowing him to walk his fingers over my skin.  </p><p>“Yes you do, everyone has one.” He challenged me, flattening his hand out on top of mine. I sighed, closing my eyes and shaking my head side to side, bumping into his skull. </p><p>“Ugh, I don’t know,” I groaned, opening my eyes when the image of someone’s face popped into my mind and I laughed to myself. “Well...there is one person.”  </p><p>Joji nodded, waving his hand in the air for me to continue. I tried to hide suppress my smile and be as serious as possible while I answered. </p><p>“I mean, Frank is pretty hot...” I trailed off. Not a second later, Joji laughed loudly, throwing his head back into the pillow and clutching at his stomach. I turned my head to watch him laugh, a grin spreading across my face at his joy. I love his smile so much.  </p><p>His chuckles calmed down a little and he sat up and clearing his throat a few times.  </p><p>“Yeah?” He asked, looking over me from above, his black hair hanging down over his forehead. I nodded, not bothering to hide my smile any longer. He moved over me, hovering directly above my face and bracing himself against the sides of my body.  </p><p>“Listen, if that’s what it takes...” His cleared his throat again, and began speaking in the gruff, Frank voice that he used in his videos. “I’m game, baby.”  </p><p>“Ew, no!” I squealed, turning over and shoving my face into the pillow. He grabbed me by my wrists, flipping me back over to face him and dipped his face down to mine, making that weird, scrunched face.  </p><p>“What’s wrong? You don’t want me to slurp up that li-?” </p><p>“George.” I whined, struggling against his hands that gripped my wrists. He laughed, letting go of me and dropped his elbows to the sides of my head. His head dipped low, his nose skimming mine gently. I smile, closing my eyes and raising my head the tiniest bit as I anticipated his lips. </p><p>“You’re so beautiful.” Joji whispered, his lips coming in contact with the tip of my nose, leaving a tiny kiss. That was the second time tonight he’d made a comment like that. My belly fluttered with butterflies, stirring them up like a small tornado and making me lose my breath.  </p><p>“No, you.” I rebutted as he pressed more gentle kisses to my closed eyes. My fingers shook as I reached up to bury them in his hair. I pushed his onyx locks back, only for them so fall back down into his eyes. We met in the middle, him leaning down and me reaching up, our lips locking before I dragged him back down with me. I scratched at his scalp, pushing locks of hair back between my fingers. His mouth opened, taking a hold of mine a little more firmly than he had before. His lips captured my bottom lip, biting gently before letting go.  </p><p>I was breathing heavily out of my nose, trying to keep up with my body’s demand for air, but honestly, I could die right now and be perfectly happy.  </p><p>His tongue skimmed my bottom lip before pulling away for another kiss and then returning, prodding gently at my lips. I opened my mouth a little, unsure of how to proceed as I’d never actually kissed anyone with tongue before. Joji’s tongue met mine, rubbing gentle against it and sending electricity through my body. Warmth spread to every inch of my being, pooling between my legs and suddenly, I wanted him between them like earlier. </p><p>I moaned quietly as his hands left their places beside my head and his lower body shifted closer, kneeling on top of me. We broke apart finally, his forehead coming to rest against mine as we both gasped for air and panted in each other’s faces.  </p><p>“We should stop.” He breathed, his eyes opening a little before shutting again. I nodded, trying to calm my rapid heartbeat. With one final kiss, he pulled away, crawling back into his spot beside me and lying down. My hands, that had fallen to my side, searched for his, intertwining our fingers together.  </p><p>He took several deep breaths before calming, his chest rising and falling normally once again. I turned to my side, finding a comfortable spot under his arm. My face came to rest against his chest and the scent of him warmed me from the inside out. He smelled clean, like his shampoo, with the tiniest hint of cigarette smoke. George’s hand slid against my back, smoothing down the fabric of my shirt that had bunched up.  </p><p>“Oh, I almost forgot!” He left the bed, moving over to the desk and picking up a tiny sheet of paper before bringing it back over to me. </p><p>“I made this for you.” He grinned at me, flashing his teeth. I sat up on my elbows, accepting the tiny envelope from his hands and feeling something hard inside. I tipped it out into my open palm and watched as a tiny blue key slid out. “It’s a key to the apartment.” He said. </p><p>My eyes were glued to the key, brand new and shining at me, before I looked up at Joji. He looked excited, his wide smile making the tiny dimples appear on his face and making my heart soar. Emotion welled up in my throat, making it difficult to speak. </p><p>“I-thank you. This means a lot.” I said honestly, clutching the key in my hand and returning his smile. </p><p>“Yeah its...you’re welcome. Niki and Chad have one so... you know.” He shrugged, sitting back down on the edge of the bed beside me. I sat up fully and wrapped my arms around his neck, bringing him towards me for a deep kiss. </p><p> </p><p>I was walking carefully toward the bar and had my hands full a tray full of empty glasses when I was suddenly pulled by Niki when her arm hooked in mine as she dragged me behind the counter. She had a sour look on her face as she glared at something behind us. </p><p>“Jesus, Nik, you almost made me drop my tray!” I stumbled when the glasses all began sliding to one side of the tray and I tried my hardest to restore balance. Ian turned his head to look at the commotion we cause beside him as he poured a syrupy brown liquid into a glass. </p><p>“That creep is back.” Niki hissed, her eyes never leaving whoever she was staring at while I gently set my tray down on the counter, my arm still linked with hers. When I was in the clear, I turned to face her. </p><p>“What?” </p><p>“Over there, look.” She mumbled, pointing out beyond the crowd at the tables but as I peered in the direction, I saw nothing but muddied faces thanks to the flashing lights in the room.  </p><p>“Uh?” I looked back at Niki with uncertainty. She groaned and moved to hide behind me before pointing again. </p><p>“That weird kid and his friend that keep coming in here! He always stares at me.” She whined, peeking around my body to glare at the tables where the man supposedly sat. I nodded as realization hit me and the memory of the two men came to mind.  </p><p>“Don’t worry I’ll work the tables until they leave, okay?” I offered, turning around to face Niki and patting her gently on the head. She nodded, crossing her arms over her chest and moving aside so I could unload the empty glasses from my tray into the sink behind her. </p><p>When I finished, I made my way to the tables, searching the area for the men that made Niki uncomfortable until I finally spotted them sitting at a table for two overlooking the dance floor. Finally getting a good look at their faces, I noticed both of the men were Asian and the shorter one was noticeably younger than the taller one.  </p><p>“Hi, how are you doing? Can I get you anything?” I asked them, coming to stand beside their table and catching their attention. The older one looked up at me beneath the brim of his hat and smiled in greeting. </p><p>“Yeah, I’ll take a beer, whatever kind.” He answered before looking at his friend. The younger of the two, the one Niki hated, looked up at me and shook his head no. I left them, moving around the area and picking up another order or two before returning to the bar. Niki stood behind the bar with Ian, helping him pour drinks until she spotted me and set down the bottle she was holding. I set my tray down on the counter to the side and told Ian my order before Niki cut in. </p><p>“You saw him?” She asked eagerly, to which I nodded and leaned my elbows on the counter beside her.  </p><p>“Yep.” I answered, watching Ian grab a beer from the mini fridge below the counter and place it on my tray before he started making the rest of the drinks from my order.  </p><p>“Did you tell him to fuck off and stop staring at me?” Niki grumbled. I laughed at her, holding my cheek with my fist. </p><p>“No, somehow that didn’t come up.” She didn’t find amusement in my joke, however, as she huffed and ran her fingers through her brunette hair. </p><p>“Ready.” Ian called to me as he set the last colorful drink down on my tray and slid it over the counter. I left Niki, picking up the tray that was thankfully lighter than before and carrying it over to the tables. I delivered the other patrons drink first as they were closer to me before I made my way to the two men. I took a bottle opener out of my pocket, cracking the cap off on the beer placing it down in front of the taller one, along with a napkin.  </p><p>“Thanks.” The man said, picking up the beer for a swig while he looked out over the crowd.  </p><p>“Can I get you anything else?” I asked politely, fully expecting to be dismissed so I had already taken a half step back before the younger one called my attention. </p><p>“Do you know who the DJ is?” He turned his head to look at me again but my eyes landed on Joji at the forefront of the room, looking down at his laptop.  </p><p>“Yeah. Why?” I was expecting him to ask me if he could request a song for him, a common occurrence from my end, but when he spoke again, I felt my body stiffen just the tiniest bit. </p><p>“Do you know that guy is Filthy Frank?” The younger one smirked and looked away from me back at George. I suppose I knew now why they came here every one in a while and the thought creeped me out. I shifted uncomfortably, holding my empty tray to the front of my body and preparing to leave again. </p><p>“Um, is that all you guys need?” I asked as politely as I could. The older one eyed his friend before turning to look at me. </p><p>“I apologize on his behalf. My name is Sean,” The older man held his hand out to me and I accepted it warily, shaking his hand before he continued. “I’m actually here talent scouting for my new label and Brian here is a big fan of George. We were hoping you wouldn’t mind asking him if he’d be interested in meeting with us?”  </p><p>I was stunned to say the least, as I stared at the man in front of me and then up at Joji. I wasn’t entirely convinced he wasn’t lying to me to get a chance at meeting Joji, but I nodded anyway. </p><p>“Yeah, I’ll pass it on.” I said quietly, turning to take my leave.  </p><p>“We’ll be here until closing if he’s interested!” The taller one called to me over the noise in the room. I kept walking until I came to a stop at the bar. Niki was still behind the bar, chatting with Ian and serving drinks to customers that sat on the stools. I placed my tray down behind the counter just as Niki noticed me. </p><p>“I’ll be right back.” I told her, leaving the bar and navigating my way through the crowd. On the floor the music was a lot louder and the lights even more blinding. I pushed through the flashing crowd as bodies squirmed around me until I caught view of the front of Joji’s booth. I stepped up on the small platform and took ahold of the booth, watching Joji stare at a program on his computer and puff at the cigarette between his lips. He couldn’t hear me approach with his headphones on, though I’m sure he wouldn’t be able to hear me over the music anyway.  </p><p>I watched him work for a minute, his mouse moving across the computer screen clicking and cutting long strips of audio file that I couldn’t hear, before I had the brilliant idea of swiping the cigarette from his mouth. He turned instantly, glaring at me before recognition hit him and he smiled at me.  </p><p>“Hey!” He yelled and making me wince. I watched him stop and close the program on his computer before pulling his headphones down around his neck. “Sorry.”  </p><p>“That’s okay. So, listen, there are these guys...” I felt uncertain I should even be bothering him with this in case it really was a joke or something, but I figured he should at least get the option to decide for himself whether or not he wanted to entertain it. </p><p>“Mhm?” He pressed, snatching the cigarette out of my fingers and returning it to his mouth. He watched me as he took a drag, lighting up the red tip with his inhale.  </p><p>“One of them said he was a talent scouting or something? The other one though,” I thought back to the younger one and how he had so brashly asked me about Filthy Frank. “He’s apparently a fan of yours.” I finished, watching Joji’s eyes as he watched me in return. He nodded, pulling his cigarette back and breathing smoke away from me. </p><p>“Okay.” He replied, coughing into his arm and looking back at me. His thick black hair was swept to the right of his head, hanging low in his eyes and shining under the lights. </p><p>“They asked me if you’d meet with them. I can tell them no though if you don’t want to be bothered by fans again.” I referred, of course, to the aquarium where George, Max, Ian, and Chad had been bombarded by people and his negative past experiences with his viewers. He shook his head quickly at my words and smashed the last of his cigarette in an ash tray behind him. </p><p>“No, that’s okay, I don’t mind. Tell them to come see me later.” Joji turned back around to face me, smiling gently.  </p><p>“Okay.” I returned his smile, nodding and stepping back. He grinned at me while pulling his headphones back up over his ears and watching me walk back on to the floor. I finished out the night alone while Niki helped Ian behind the bar, but I didn’t mind. There were less dishes for Ian to do by the end of the night as Niki kept pace with him, cleaning and distributing glasses at an even pace. Besides, there wasn’t a ton of work at the tables on Wednesdays anyway and I could easily handle what orders there were on my own. </p><p>True to their word, the two men stayed until closing before approaching Joji at his booth. Niki, Ian, and I watched the men shake hands with him, the younger one smiling widely and making Joji smile in return. The taller one who’d introduced himself as Sean, motioned over to the tables and George nodded, unhooking his laptop and carrying it under his arm with him as they walked toward the seating area. All of us behind the bar turned, trying to make ourselves busy and not look so obvious.  </p><p>When we’d finished the bar and dishes, we debated whether or not we should interrupt Joji’s meeting with Sean to clean the tables but our arguing didn’t last much longer as the men shook hands with George once again and left the club. As soon as the doors closed, Niki was the first to lean over the bar top and shout across the room at him. </p><p>“What did they say?!” She yelled, catching Joji’s attention as he looked at her with a half surprised, half annoyed expression. He stood up, taking his computer with him and walking over to the bar where he set the laptop on the counter. In the distance, I saw Chad coming in from outside and locking the doors behind him. </p><p>“I guess that guy got some investors and is starting his own label of Asian artists or something. He wants me to be a part of it after he heard the stuff on my SoundCloud.” George spoke casually, as if someone just hadn't asked to sign with him and that wasn’t a big deal at all.  </p><p>“Wait, are they looking for more artists?” Niki piped up, looking intensely at George who simply smiled at her and dug around in the pocket of his jeans. He pulled out a thin white card and held it between two fingers in front of Niki. </p><p>“Yep, and I mentioned you too. If you’re interested, he wanted to have another meeting with his investors and us.” Niki squealed at Joji’s words, taking the card from him and throwing her arms around his shoulders in an awkward embrace that pulled him towards her while her legs hung off the bar.  </p><p>“I’ll go with you but I’m not sure about this myself.” He told her, patting her gently on her shoulder before she pulled away completely. Max finally decided to show up then, sidling up beside George and taking a seat at one of the stools. </p><p>“Why not?” Niki asked, sliding off the bar until she landed on her feet.  </p><p>“You know how these things are, Niki. Most of these people want to control every aspect of your music and I don’t want to give up full control like that,” He seemed uncomfortable then, as he picked up his computer and took a step back from the bar. “Anyway, let’s hurry up so we can get out of here.”  </p><p>And with that, George walked back to his booth and I looked at Niki who seemed just as stunned as I was by his lack of enthusiasm.  </p><p>“He says that like he’s actually helping clean.” Max huffed, turning back to face us after watching Joji walk away. I think I can safely say that Ian, Niki, and I all gave him dirty looks at that comment.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0035"><h2>35. Help</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It happened at 2:30 in the morning. I got back to my apartment a half hour sooner than normal since the club was nearly dead that night. We all made the collective decision to close early and went home. I jammed my key into the door and walked into a sight that will be forever seared into my mind. There was a shriek, a crash, and a slam before I blacked out. I suddenly found myself shuffling down the stairs, trying to get out as quickly as possible without falling and breaking my neck.</p><p>“Liv, wait, please!” He called from behind me. I could hear him following me, closing in, so the second my hands touched the door to the outside world I began sprinting. I could hear him calling me but his voice faded so quickly that I don’t think he was following. It had been drizzling all night but the drops that hit my face felt fatter.</p><p>I kept running down the street, still in my work clothing with my bag on my shoulder and my phone in my pocket as the droplets soaked me. I was dripping by the time I finally stopped for air. I bent over, bracing my hands against my knees while I stood under the orange streetlight and panted. Cold air filled my lungs, burning me from the inside out. I stared at the halo of wet light beneath my feet while I caught my breath. My body was shaking from being wet in this temperature but I didn’t really mind. It reminded me of the last time I’d been in a rainstorm.</p><p>I laughed.</p><p>It wasn’t funny, but I found humor in it as the images replayed in my head.</p><p>
  <em>We were both trash.</em>
</p><p>That thought made me laugh harder.</p><p>Thick rain drops continued falling, but instead of being upset, I looked up at the dark sky and thanked whoever it was that was responsible. I had been putting off the inevitable for far too long. I’m ready now. This was a sign, it was time.</p><p>Anyone who caught me in that moment would’ve thought I was insane or on strong drugs by the way I looked; standing in the rain fully clothed and laughing hysterically. I kept walking, ignoring the vibrations in my pocket as I made my way across the neighborhood to my sanctuary.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I hope he didn’t mind that I used my new key.</p><p>I stepped inside the dark apartment and slid my feet out of my soaked sneakers at the door. I didn’t want to track water through the halls so I removed my jacket, my bag and my socks, leaving them in the kitchen sink. My phone was left on the counter before I tip toed quietly towards his room.</p><p>It was so dark that I bumped into the walls a couple of times but eventually made contact with his door. I turned the knob quietly, pushing the door open just enough to gauge the activity in the room before I stepped inside. It was dark and quiet except for the tapping of rain against his window. My heart raced and I almost laughed at the irony of what was happening, but I held it back so as to not wake him.</p><p>I slid inside, closing the door behind me and lightly stepping towards his sleeping body. I could barely make his face out in the darkness but I touched the curve of his clothed shoulder, hoping to not to scare him with my cool fingers.</p><p>He grunted a little and pulled the sheets up higher, covering his shoulder and snuggling further into the warmth of his bed. I smiled but the shiver that overcame me reminded me that I was in dire need of a change of clothing so I shook his shoulder again. If I could have, I would have much preferred to climb into bed with him and let him wake up beside me but that wasn’t exactly an option in my state.</p><p>“Fuck off Max.” He hissed, pushing his face into his pillow and pulling his body further away from mine.</p><p>“George.” I whispered. His body visibly stiffened before his head rose and he looked over his shoulder at me. I could see the outline of his face as he looked up at me and stared before he registered that I was actually there.</p><p>“Olivia? What’s wrong, why are you here?” He jumped out of bed and was suddenly standing in front of me, clutching my arms in his hands. He pulled away quickly when he touched my clothing and looked down at my body.</p><p>“Why are you wet? Jesus Liv, what happened? Are you hurt?” He flicked on the bedroom light, temporarily blinding us both before his hands returned to me, grabbing my face and inspecting me for damage. I laughed again despite myself.</p><p>Probably not the prime time to be laughing though because Joji looked at me like a crazy person.</p><p>“Livia, what happened?” He whispered, staring deeply into my eyes. I grinned in return, undoubtedly scaring him but I was so elated I couldn’t help it.</p><p>“I caught him inside someone.” I laughed lightly and pushed wet strands of hair from my eyes. My hands were freezing on my face and I shivered again. Joji gave me a tight smile, like he was unsure whether my news was good or bad. Or perhaps he was unsure of my mental state, regardless, he grabbed my hand and led me to the bathroom.</p><p>“Take a warm bath, angel. I’ll get you a towel and some clothes.” His voice was so gentle and soothing, I could listen to him talk to me like that forever. I did as he told me, stripping and taking a lukewarm bath as to not shock my system. When I pulled the curtain back, a fresh folded towel and a change of clothing sat by the door for me.</p><p>I left my wet clothing in the tub, mentally reminding myself to do something about them before Ian or Max discovered them in the morning, before returning to George’s room. I found him on his bed, looking through his phone and rubbing at his eyes.</p><p>“I’m sorry.” I told him from the doorway. He looked up at me with the familiar bags under his eyes taking on a purple hue.</p><p>“Don’t be.” He replied, setting his phone down on the end table beside him and patting the spot beside him on the bed. I obliged, sitting cross legged on his white comforter and rubbing the towel against my hair.</p><p>“What happened?” He asked again. There was no trace of amusement in his eyes and I knew he wasn’t in the mood for any kind of joke or deflection so I took a deep breath before I answered.</p><p>“I got home, opened the door, and they were right there on the couch.” I looked away from him as pain shot through me. I furrowed my eyebrows as I recalled the images once again. The look on his face, the way his body moved, her cries.</p><p>I was angry.</p><p>Not because of what I had just seen, not because Gavin cheated on me, but because I felt any pain at all.<em> What kind of psychotic bitch am I?</em></p><p>This was good! In fact, I had laughed only 45 minutes ago on my walk here but now I had the audacity to...start crying? Tear slid down my cheek and I immediately wiped them away. No fucking way I was doing this. Absolutely not.</p><p>“Are you okay?” He asked me, running his soft, warm hand on top of mine. I had everything I wanted. I had Joji and I was free of Gavin, so why the hell was I so upset? I met George’s sweet brown eyes and smiled in assurance.</p><p>Another traitorous tear slid over my cheek and I huffed in frustration, wiping at that one too. They started falling from both eyes and I became overwhelmed as the pain tore through me. I refused to meet George’s eyes and looked at his door instead.</p><p>Can you believe this? If I wasn’t crying, I’d be laughing at how ridiculous-</p><p>“Hey, it’s okay to be upset.” George shushed and suddenly I was wrapped in his warm embrace. The floodgates opened and I was sobbing into his chest. I was embarrassed, to say the least. Embarrassed that I was crying in George’s arms <em>again.</em> Embarrassed that I was crying over Gavin at all let alone to the person I was technically cheating on him <em>with</em>. And embarrassed at how disgusting of a person I was but yet Joji couldn’t see it. I hate myself.</p><p>“No, no, sshhh...” He whispered as his hand slid through my damp hair and he rocked me softly in his arms. I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve him. It’s truly no wonder why I had never left Gavin, we were two peas in a fucking pod. Both traitorous manipulators. Gavin was right about me all along.</p><p>I don’t know exactly how long we were there but by the time I had stopped crying, the rain had stopped knocking at George’s window. I tried to catch my breath but only ended up hiccuping like a child.</p><p>“Wanna hear a song?” Joji asked. I nodded against his chest, wiping the remaining tears from my eyes while he pulled away. He opened his closet that was messy with clothing all over the floor and boxes that looked to still be sealed and dug around before pulling an instrument out.</p><p>He pulled himself up on the bed beside me and nestled a ukulele on his lap. His fingers glided over the strings a couple of times before pulling back and adjusting the tightness and trying again.</p><p>His fingers strummed the cords again and created an upbeat melody that went on for a little bit before he began singing softly to me.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I wake up in the morning sinking halfway to the bottom</em>
</p><p>
  <em>There's a loud, distorted screaming in my soul</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Everything is dark and empty and I don’t know how to fix it</em>
</p><p>
  <em>So, I curl up in a ball and cry in the comfort of my home</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I don’t know why I feel like shit</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I say I’m fine but I'm not fine</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I’m dying insiiiiiide</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And all I see are demons</em>
</p><p> </p><p>He grinned when I cracked a tiny smile.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I try to hiiiiiide</em>
</p><p>
  <em>All my deepest feelings</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I’m dying insiiiiiide</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And all I see are demons</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I try to hiiiiiide</em>
</p><p>
  <em>All my deepest feelings</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I think there’s something wrong with me cause all I see is death</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Every time I go outside, I look like I’ve been doing meth</em>
</p><p> </p><p>I couldn’t stop the laugh that escaped me but I tried to, covering my mouth with my hand and watching him laugh along as he continued singing the next line.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>And I sleep for nineteen hours on a Thursday afternoon</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Every now and then I cough up blood and I don’t know what to do</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I don’t know why I feel like shit</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I will not see a therapist</em>
</p><p> </p><p>I watched him as he kept up with the melody on the ukulele for a minute before letting it fade out and placing the instrument down against his legs.</p><p>“There’s more but I’m trying to make you laugh, not suicidal, so...” He laughed at his own joke. I had nothing to say so I offered a grateful smile and dried the tears that lingered with the back of my hand. I let him embrace me again and indulged in the comfort he provided, but it didn’t make me feel better. If anything, I felt worse. I’m constantly a burden to him, bringing tension to his life and everyone else. I truly didn’t mean to cause any of it and I wish I could tell him that but I already knew what he would say. He’d tell me it's not my fault but that's because he doesn’t understand. Gavin is my fault; the drama is my fault.</p><p>Maybe I could make it up to him, somehow.</p><p>I drew in a shaky breath as my body calmed against his. The grief died down after a bit and soon I was drowsy and desperate for sleep. My eye lids felt heavy and I yawned into his chest. I felt the rumble of his chuckle and his arm around my body tighten before pulling me down with him. Warmth encased me from every direction physically, mentally, emotionally. In every way possible. George was warmth. My sunlight.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0036"><h2>36. Joji's Garden</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“You’re so fucking insecure, Olivia, she’s a friend and we were just messing around.” </p><p>“I think you’re overreacting a little bit, honestly.” </p><p>“You’ve made it so hard to be around you and it’s been a while since we.... “ </p><p>“Okay it only happened once, I swear, and it meant nothing.” </p><p>“I promise you it will never happen again; I made a mistake.” </p><p>“Please honey, I’m sorry. I’ve been so stressed.” </p><p>Snippets of my conversation with Gavin rang through my head all day no matter how desperately I tried not to think about it. It was nothing but crap anyway, and I had much more to look forward to but it didn’t take away the sting. George asked me how I was feeling when I woke up in his arms this morning but I simply shrugged. I wasn’t feeling great, but I couldn’t bring myself to burden him further by talking about Gavin, so I let it fall to the wayside and simply went on with my day.  </p><p>Gavin called all night and all morning, even going as far as to come here and stand outside for me to talk to him. In an effort to maintain the peace, I obliged... a little, and stood behind the locked apartment door while Gavin expressed his regrets. I barely spoke.  </p><p>He screwed someone but I kissed George, so really, how much of a right did I have to be upset? I'm sure if I asked Niki she’d tell me the two were incomparable but she's biased. I think the hurt I felt was fine, but I couldn’t stand there and be angry at Gavin. </p><p>When he had his fill, he eventually left with promises of proving himself and making things right. I should have ended things right there but I’m a goddamn coward. </p><p>So, I spent the afternoon with the boys, playing video games, watching television and being brought to tears when Ian and Max tried and failed to cook boxed mac and cheese. I’m sure it could've been better had they not started throwing tide pods and thumb tacks in the boiling water with the noodles. Needless to say, I had an apple instead.  </p><p>I sat with George in the garden tonight rather than up on the rooftop. He had a lit cigarette between his lips as he watered his plants with the green garden hose that usually sat rolled up alongside the building. He hummed to himself sometimes, I noticed, and tonight was no exception. He told me once that they were melodies he was working on, so I listened to his soft humming and tried to imagine how the songs would sound.  </p><p>My toes skimmed the top layer of the sand, mindlessly drawing patterns of my own alongside Joji’s.  </p><p>He didn’t pressure me to talk about last night or this morning, but I knew he would want to talk about it eventually. If his talk with me at the park gave me any idea of how he felt, I knew he’d soon encourage me to run with this opportunity to end my relationship with Gavin. Not for his own benefit, probably, but because the relationship wasn’t a healthy one, like he’d said. He’s right, of course, and I do need to end it. I’m scared though, and I feel like explaining that is easier said than done. </p><p>There’s one thing I knew for sure, at least. If I ever wanted anything with Joji, I would need to let go of Gavin.  </p><p>I looked up, finding him still preoccupied with tending to his plants and careful not to breath smoke directly on them. His cheeks hallowed as he took another drag and his eyes met mine. I looked away quickly, embarrassed at having been caught staring, but I knew he didn’t mind. Why...why did I have the feeling he was an angel on Earth? Too good for not only me but this godforsaken planet. Sometimes I wished we could know who our soulmates were so I could know if he was mine or not. I wish he could be, but what a shitty deal for him, huh? </p><p>“What are you thinking about?” He asked from across the yard. I looked up at the Italian restaurant esque string lights that hung above my head. Joji told me he’d hung them himself “for a vibe.” He plugged them in just for me tonight, and they were gorgeous indeed. </p><p>“Soulmates.” I blurted. My eyes shot to his at my inadvertent confession. A tiny smile pulled at the corner of his mouth before he hid it. His black hair, shiny as ever, glistened under the lights, reminding me of how he looked under the street lamp.  </p><p>“Oh, I like that topic. What exactly about soulmates?” He grinned, setting the hose down and moving towards the valve to shut off the water. I think normally I would’ve been a bit embarrassed by such a silly, girly topic, but I felt so comfortable with him that I gave it a chance. </p><p>“If there was any way to tell when you’ve met them.” I murmured when he came to sit on the wooden bench beside me and sunk his bare feet in the sand. I let one leg dangle over the sand, skimming it lightly while my other leg curled beneath my body. </p><p>“Hm.” He considered what I’d said and stared at the fence that separated us from his neighbors. “Have you tried asking the astrologists?” He teased.  </p><p>“Oh, fuck off.” I laughed, shoving him in the arm and throwing him a little off balance. He caught himself on the bench and laughed. </p><p>“Okay, okay. In all seriousness, I think it there’s a lot of ways to tell. I think, maybe, there’s electricity when you touch. Or you feel like you can be completely yourself around them. And the person can make anywhere feel like home as long as they are around. You want to be around them all of the time and you can’t stop thinking about them.” He took another drag from his smoke as he stared at the fence and I watched him, fascinated. </p><p>“You can feel their pain. When they hurt, you hurt, even if it's got nothing to do with you. And It feels weird to even consider loving this person already because you’ve just met and you don’t want to look like a fucking weirdo. But at the same time, it’s this gut feeling. You <em> just know </em> which is fucking cheesy and stupid but it's true. You look at he--them, and, uh, you think ‘Fuck this is it. This is the person I’ve been waiting for.’”  </p><p>It was silent for a minute while we both absorbed his words before he looked back down at me. </p><p>“It sounds like you know from experience.” I commented, watching him curiously as the far away look in his eyes faded away. </p><p>“I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately.” He admitted, exhaling hard and looking at the fence again. My foot swung in tiny circles, grazing the sand with the most delicate touch. What he’d said reminded me about how I felt for him, honestly. I don’t know much about soulmates, nor had I put much time into thinking about them but I couldn’t have said it any sweeter than Joji did.  </p><p>“What about you?” His attention returned to me once again.  </p><p>“I don’t know, I kinda like your definition.” I leaned into him, bumping his arm with my own but he didn’t reciprocate the playfulness. </p><p>“Well, what do you think about soulmates though? Do you think you know who yours is?” He piped, now watching me as curiously as I had been watching him a minute ago.  </p><p><em> Yes </em> </p><p>“No.” I lied, not meeting his eyes. “I mean, I don’t know. Who does though, right?” I tried to make up for it by joking around. I promised Ian I wouldn’t hurt George and telling him I thought maybe he was meant for me sounded like an extremely mean, selfish thing to say when you’re an emotional train wreck like me. If there was ever a time for this conversation, it wasn’t now. The place was nice, though. </p><p>“Right.” He gave me a half smile in return and looked away. I looked up at the lights above us, twinkling like stars and swaying lightly with the breeze. I listened to the sounds of him inhaling and exhaling as he smoked. We sat in mostly silence while I thought about what to say next. I wish I could tell him I was lying and that I was having these feelings about him but I felt like it wasn’t the right time yet. I think we were both hovering around the same conclusion but we hadn't had the conversation yet and I had so many conflicting emotions about my feelings for him along with other things that... it was just a little too messy right now.  </p><p>Very soon though... because as I looked over at him and felt my heart race just at the sight, I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold in my feelings for much longer. </p>
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<a name="section0037"><h2>37. Earthly Comfort</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Explicit content warning for this chapter. If you prefer to read the tamer version, please head on over to the Wattpad version. Username and story title is the same.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>George’s birthday was steadily approaching and he refused to tell me what he wanted I could give him.  </p><p>“Just your presence is gift enough.” He said, earning an eyeroll from me in return. He smirked at me, returning to his computer where he’d been making beats all morning. I was lying on his bed, browsing online for a gift for him on my phone but coming up with nothing. He was no help either, I quickly learned. I watched him for a moment as he sat at his desk in the corner of the room and fixated on the screen in front of him. He seemed to really enjoy working on his music, and although I didn't know him during his YouTube days, I’m glad to see that he’s no longer doing something that made him so unhappy.  </p><p>Every once in a while, he’d pull his headphones off and play a loop for me, asking for my opinion. Bright eyes, wide grin, excitement clear in his voice like kid on Christmas morning. <em> Beautiful human, how you make my heart go wild. </em> </p><p>I couldn’t think of anything Joji had told me recently that he wanted that could be suitable for a birthday gift. I scrolled through my phone, mentally eliminating the choices, when the idea hit me. I left the tab I was on in favor of looking for a website that had what I needed and discovered the perfect gift for George. It wasn’t much, but I think he would like it especially since it <em> was </em> technically something he told me he wanted a while back.  </p><p>After I placed the order, I smiled to myself and dropped my phone to the bed. I turned my head to look at George as he worked on his music. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to have met him. I don’t know what I did to deserve this person in my life, and I would never really be able to ever pay him back for everything he’d done for me but I could at least try. </p><p>I sat up on the bed, tucking my legs beneath me and crawling to the end of the bed where I could be closer to George. He was working on the same program I always saw him on, Garageband, I believe. I watched him, trying to gather my nerves and summon the confidence that had overtaken me at the beach. I took a deep breath and slipped off the end of the bed. He still hadn't noticed me, too distracted by his work and the headphones he wore blocking out any noise I made. </p><p>I used it to my advantage as I got closer, bending over behind him to gaze at the screen over his shoulder. Luckily, he couldn’t see my reflection as I pressed my lips to the side of his slender neck. His body stiffened briefly before relaxing and he pulled his headphones off. </p><p>“You scared me.” He laughed, pushing back lightly from the desk. I moved quickly, not trusting myself to not completely wimp out and acting in the moment. I swept a leg over his and sat myself on his lap, facing him and attacked his neck again. I pressed kisses to his jugular and along his jaw, all the while scooting closer to him so that our bodies were flush against each other. His breath hitched and his body stiffened again but until he told me to stop, I would keep up my assault. My hands slid under his t-shirt, climbing over the skin of his stomach and chest. My nails lightly drug down his skin as I switched to the other side of his neck and flipped my hair out of the way. </p><p>He didn’t say anything, he simply allowed me to appreciate him and settled his hands on my hips. His head tilted ever so subtly to grant me more access to his neck and I accepted gratefully, dragging my tongue up his neck from collarbone to jaw. He groaned quietly, his hands tightening on me. I felt myself flush at the sound, but for once it wasn’t from embarrassment, I was turned on by the sounds he made. </p><p>I shifted closer again, getting as close as the computer chair would allow me, which honestly wasn’t much. My hands left his shirt and moved to my favorite spot in his hair, gripping thick black locks between my fingers and bringing his face to mine. Our lips met without hesitation and moved eagerly, with purpose. My body was on fire, burning at his touch and begging to be quenched. His hands moved up my sides, under my tank top. I shivered as his hands continued, moving all the way up my body and taking my top with them until I pulled away from his kisses. I lifted my arms overhead, allowing him to pull my shirt off and was immediately brought back to his embrace. His warmth kept me comfortable, hands resuming their place on my back as he continued kissing me.  </p><p>One of his hands ran up my spine until he met the clasp of my bra. His fingers toyed with it, hooking a finger in and tugging it down lightly.  </p><p>I pulled my mouth from his to nod and meet his eyes. He gazed at me intensely, making sure he had my permission before he dipped his head and took my lips again. His mouth was sweet and minty, like his toothpaste. His lips, puffy and soft, I could kiss for the rest of my life.  </p><p>The bra took a little bit of work for him, but he eventually got it, unhooking the clasps and dropping his hands back to my hips. I kept my chest pressed against his, not letting the cups fall from my chest yet. </p><p>Joij was very eager, his mouth moving quickly and passionately over mine until my head was swimming and I had to pull back. My hands left his hair, coming to hold my bra to my body and sitting back in his lap. We watched each other, breathing heavily and both trying to calm our ragged breaths. I watched his eyes move downward, taking in the sight of me nearly topless in front of him for the first time.  </p><p>“Fuck.” He breathed out, looking back up and meeting my eyes. “You’re gorgeous.”  </p><p>His hands left my hips to cup my face and pull me back in for another tender kiss. His lips caressed mine like velvet against my skin, so softly and delicately I felt like he was holding me like a precious gem that could break at any moment. His touch so soft and gaze so affectionate that I actually believed him. I felt gorgeous; he made me feel beautiful.  </p><p>My hands left my bra, causing the garment to fall between us, so I could grab his hands. My fingers pulled his hands from my face and trailed them down my collarbone, over the curve of my breasts and cupping his hands around them. I bit back a moan at the pleasure that came with the action and watched his face instead. He looked ready to vocalize his satisfaction as well, as his hands squeezed at the handfuls in his palms and his thumbs played with my nipples, bringing them to attention. </p><p>I allowed him to massage me, bracing my hands behind me on his knees and observing him closely. His breathing was heavy, his eyes darting to meet mine every minute or so before returning to my chest. His touch felt so damn good, I wanted more.  </p><p>As if he could read my mind, his arms wrapped around my middle swiftly, pulling me closer so his lips could attack my neck. His tongue darted out, sending sparks down my spine and eliciting a moan from my throat. He nipped at the skin of my neck, kissing it and trailing kisses down my chest.  </p><p>“Is this okay?” He asked me, gazing up as he placed tiny kisses between my tits.  </p><p>“Yeah.” My voice sounded foreign to me, strangled and breathless. He accepted my consent regardless and suddenly my nipple was engulfed in the warmth of his mouth and his tongue was gliding over it. I hissed in pleasure, arching my back to press myself closer to him. I could feel his arousal beneath me, he wanted this just as much as I did and there was nothing stopping us anymore. I gave myself permission to enjoy this and it was almost as pleasurable as his mouth.  </p><p>His tongue rolled over my nipple, sucking and teasing while his other hand played with my other breast.  </p><p>“Joji.” I whined, rocking lightly in his lap and making the chair creak with the movement. He switched to my other breast, tasting and sucking on my nipple before he decided to entertain me.  </p><p>“What do you need, baby?” He whispered in my ear, his arms wrapping around my back and holding me close to his body. My breath hitched and I’m not sure if it was because of the deep, sultry tone of his voice or because he called me baby but either way, I was beyond turned on.  </p><p>“You.” I replied in a shaky voice as his hands skimmed down my naked back and his lips left hot kisses on my shoulder. He groaned quietly and held me tight as he stood up from the chair. My legs instinctively wrapped around his waist as he carried me back to the bed. He set me down gently, laying me back and standing to gaze down at me.  </p><p>I’d never been touched by anyone but...the other guy. No one else had seen my body, until now. The thought used to scare me. My mother always told me that no one would want me if I was used and that any more than 1 man made me a slut, but as I lie here beneath Joji who was staring me like I was the most beautiful creature he’d ever seen, I felt proud. I couldn’t do anything to change my past, but I could revel in the way this man made me feel, which was so very different from the way the other one made me feel.  </p><p>I felt beautiful, despite the names I’d been called by <em> him, </em> or the fact that I was already “used.” I stretched my arms over my head, grinning up at George and pulling him closer to me with my legs that were still wrapped around his waist.  </p><p>He obliged, leaning over my body and bracing himself on either side of my head as he ducked to kiss me again.  </p><p>His warm hands roamed my body, caressing my breasts and the skin of my stomach. His mouth kept mine busy, but not enough to contain the cries that ripped from my throat when he pinched my nipples between his fingers.  </p><p>“God…” He sighed as he buried his face in my neck and swept a hand up my thigh, hitching it higher on his waist. I could feel him hard and ready between my legs, pressing into me. He ground ever so lightly against me, sending waves of pleasure up my body like an electric current connected to every nerve ending.  </p><p>My fingertips ran over his jaw, down the budding black stubble that emerged from his cheek and over his pale milky skin. He was clenching his jaw as he moved against me, biting back sounds of his pleasure I’d assume because I was doing the same. I leaned forward to press my lips to his neck again, the same action that had started all of this. </p><p>Joji's fingers toyed with the button of my jeans, silently asking permission and I was forced to come back to reality enough to ask myself how far I would let this go.  </p><p>I took a deep breath, opening my eyes and looking up at the white ceiling above me. His dark hair was messy, sticking up in every direction from the corner of my vision. His warm body covered mine and his mouth moving lightly against the skin of my shoulder and neck as he kissed me lovingly. This was right, this was okay. This is how it should have felt. I had been missing out. </p><p>I nodded, accepting his request to unbutton my jeans and he came through quickly, unbuttoning and pulling the fabric down. My pants were pushed down my legs as far as he could get them and lifted off of me so I could kick them off the rest of the way. He returned to his position between my legs when they were gone, his hands now gripping and roaming my thighs. </p><p>Annoyed that I was the only one missing clothing, I tugged at the bottom of his shirt and he obliged.  </p><p>My breath caught in my throat as I watch Joji pull his black t-shirt over his head and the gravity of what we were doing hit me. I hadn’t seen him shirtless in person since the beach and he looked even better than the photo on his wall. Finally alone, I took the opportunity to touch him like I had dreamed about. I sat up and ran my hands up his stomach, over the patch of black hair below his navel and up the ridges of his muscles.  </p><p>“I want you.” I looked into his eyes that were half open and already glazed over.  </p><p>“I want you, too.” George replied, leaning down to press his forehead against mine and kiss my nose. My face flushed at the sweet name he’d called me and I hope he kept it. I’d certainly never been treated as tenderly as he treated me, not by anyone.  </p><p>Joji’s fingers threaded through my hair, pushing away loose strands from my face and cupping my cheek.  </p><p>My hands wrapped around his shoulders, pulling him back down to the bed with me and using all of my weight to flip us so he was below me. I straddled him, shifting on his lap so I sat on his thighs, just below the bulge in his pants.  </p><p>“Is this okay?” I asked as my hands drifted over the button of his jeans. </p><p>“More than okay.” His face read eager, but as I watched his Adam’s apple bob when he swallowed, I got the feeling he was just as nervous as I was.  </p><p>I made quick work of the button and pulled the zipper down slowly, keeping eye contact with him the entire time. I delighted in the way his breath hitched and caught when my knuckles skimmed over him. He was rock hard and straining against the confines of his underwear.  </p><p>I wouldn’t free him yet, no matter how much I wanted to. Instead I climbed over his lap, hovering above him momentarily before sitting flush against his stiff member.  </p><p>An instant response from him in the form of a hiss and two strong hands that gripped my hips tight.  </p><p>“Jesus Christ.” He groaned, his eyes closing as he absorbed the pleasure that came with the heat of my body pressed directly against him. Our most intimate parts were separated by the cotton of our underwear, of course, but it still felt amazing. This was the closest we’d ever been to each other and I reveled in the intimacy.  </p><p>I braced myself against his chest, leaning slightly forward to find a comfortable position before I began rocking again him, sliding over his hardness back and forth. My panties that were slick with my arousal from our actions helped me glide easily over him. My clit slid over him and I had a full body shiver at the intense carnal pleasure that crawled up my spine. </p><p>“Ah, George.” I whimpered when his hands began aiding me, sliding me across his cock with ease. He jerked his hips up in reaction, drawing another cry from me.  </p><p>“Fucking shit I’m not gonna last.” He hissed, thrusting up into me and pressing repeatedly against my clit with his length. </p><p>“Faster.” I cried, leaning down to surrender control to him and pressing our bodies together. My nails dug into his shoulders and lips met the lobe of his ear, pulling it gently between my teeth.  </p><p>“Olivia you're gonna make me- ugh.” Joji groaned, bracing his feet against the bed and using it as leverage to begin pummeling into me, thrusting as if we were making love. My sensitive bundle was met with so much wet heat and friction that I couldn’t take it anymore and I fell over the edge, scratching Joji’s skin on my way down.  </p><p>I briefly registered the mumblings of a language I couldn’t understand in my ear before the rocking stopped and the body below mine dropped back down to the bed. </p><p>His chest heaved as he struggled to catch his breath and I removed my body from his, rolling over and coming to rest against his side. I curled into him, nuzzling my face against his hot skin.  </p><p>I listened to his heavy breaths become softer before eventually returning to normal.  </p><p>George rolled onto his side, hovering above me and staring down into my eyes, never breaking eye contact as he leaned in for another sweet kiss.  </p>
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<a name="section0038"><h2>38. Calm Before the Storm</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><span>"We shouldn't be doing this, Joji." I tried to reason, but my words held no weight. His grip on my waist tightened, pulling my body down to his so I was now straddling his hips. He gave a pleased smile as he pulled the straps of my top down my shoulders.</span> <br/><span>"You're mine, remember?" He mumbled, sitting up just enough to scatter hot kisses on my neck and I knew I was done for.</span></p><p>
  <span>I let him pull me down to the bed against my better judgement and indulged in the pleasure his lips brought me as they met my collarbone. I gasped when his hands moved to my waist and his hands moved up, taking the bottom of my tank top with them. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“This is wrong.” My voice was muffled by his when our lips found each other again. I felt the touch of his tongue as it slid across my bottom lip, teasing me. He knew what we were doing was fucked up, but I think that’s what he liked about it. I could feel him from where I was sitting on his lap; he was pressed flush against me and I ached for him. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Mhm.” His tongue plunged into my mouth when I parted my lips for him, granting him permission to deepen our kiss. He tasted so fucking good it made my head spin. I would never get enough of the taste of George Miller. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>His hands finally met my bra and he played with the clasps, hooking them under his fingers but not daring to undo them. My hands fisted on his stomach, gathering the fabric of his t-shirt between my fingers as our kisses grew more heated. His tongue was sliding against mine, tasting me, drinking me in, and I did the same to him. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I moaned into his mouth when my hips shifted against his hardness and pleasure shot through me from the bottom up. I had meant to only tease him but I ended up teasing myself.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Joji groaned, his hands abandoning my back and returning to my hips where he dug his fingers into my flesh. He held me tight as he slid my hips against him, allowing me to feel everything he had to offer. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck.” He hissed, closing his eyes. My entire body went up in flames as my desire for him grew but I forced myself to end this. As badly as I wanted to continue, we were here for a reason and wouldn’t have long before Gavin returned. I grabbed Joji’s wrists, pulling them from my waist and pushing them down beside his head. I leaned over his body and met him with a smoldering kiss before pulling back completely. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“We need to hurry up, there’s not much time left.” I reminded him with a smirk. His hair was disheveled against my pillow as he gazed up at me and pulled his mouth into a wicked grin. His mouth was pink from all of the attention I’d just paid him and I briefly worried if it would be obvious what we’d done here if we were caught. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Would you like to continue this in </span>
  <em>
    <span>my</span>
  </em>
  <span> bed?” He grinned as he tried to run his hands up my body again.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe.” I laughed, climbing off of his lap and stepping down from the bed. “Let’s get out of here first.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I readjusted my top and tried not to notice as he readjusted himself in his pants before standing up. We had packed a good portion of my things already including my clothing, toiletries, personal paperwork, and photos. All that was left really were whatever random belongings I had around my old apartment like my peace lily and….</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I opened the drawer of the nightstand beside my bed and dug through junk like cords and cough drops before I found what I was looking for.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s that?” Joji asked from behind me, leaning his head over my shoulder as I held the book in my hands. I answered by opening the book from the back and letting every page fly past until it stopped on the bookmarked page. The thing I was looking for wasn’t the random book in my hands, no, it was the bookmark itself. Or to be more specific, the photo strip that held images of George and I from the arcade at Max’s birthday. I stared at his face in the picture now like I did sometimes at night while I pretended to be reading. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The goofy face Joji made in the 5th photo now looked more familiar and I realized it was one of the faces he made in many of his thumbnails when he dressed up as his pink character. He looked in pain or constipated…or both. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Joji chuckled lightly as he gazed down at the photo. I pulled the strip from the book and handed it to him to hold and set the book back down on the table.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Let’s get the last of these boxes out and leave.” I urged him as I moved to my closet where 4 cardboard boxes full of my clothing sat waiting for me. George’s car was on the street outside already three quarters full of my belongings. We had been here for about an hour and a half and I was started to get worried the closer we inched closer to 8pm when we’d both need to leave for work and Gavin would discover my missing belongings.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I had left a letter on the kitchen counter for Gavin which was dramatic, I know, but I felt it was better than a text and safer than breaking things off face to face. I refused to see him alone or with George. I couldn’t risk what would happen if we were within his reach while I broke the news. I thanked him for everything he’d done but tried to explain that I couldn’t keep living in the hostile environment that he almost convinced me was normal. Along with other things, it was a goodbye and the assurance that I would always love him.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Hell was sure to break loose, but Joji assured me nothing would happen. I don’t know how much I believed that but I put my trust in him. The boys had my back too which brought me a little comfort. I had a place to stay for now and if I decided to take Niki up on her offer, I had a place to stay with her as well. I was making the right decision; I knew it like instinct.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Together Joji and I loaded the last of my belongings into the car and left my old residence. I sighed with relief as soon as we pulled away. Not only had we avoided conflict with Gavin that undoubtedly would’ve ended badly, but I also felt like everything that had been weighing on me fell away all at once. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I’ll admit I felt somewhat guilty at how I’d left as I watched the building in the mirror disappear from view. I constantly reminded myself that this was the right thing to do, even if it felt selfish. Sometimes you need to be selfish for the sake of your health. The way Gavin and I had been going, leaving was the best thing I could’ve done for </span>
  <em>
    <span>both</span>
  </em>
  <span> of us. I need to be selfish right now, and I really can't feel guilty about it. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Besides, I’ve recently come to discover that what I thought I had was fake. Now that I have the real thing right next to me, nodding his head to the music on the radio with a lit cigarette between his lips, I knew I was lying to myself for so long. I owed it to myself, to Gavin, and to George, to be as genuine as possible. In that, being real with myself. No more lying.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I want Joji.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I took his free hand, lifting it to my face and kissed his rough knuckles. The action seemed to startle him as he looked away from the road briefly enough to show me his expression. I smiled assuredly, hoping to convey my gratitude to him without words. I think he understood, when his eyes softened and he pulled my hand to his mouth in return, peppering tiny kisses all over the back of my hand as he watched the road.</span>
  
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I had to stand on my own two legs for the first time in my life. I had help, of course, from my friends that had honestly become more like family since everything happened. I successfully removed my name from my old apartment lease and the title of Gavin’s car. Anything that connected me to him, like my phone bill and bank account was quickly handled with Ian’s help. He was really good at life stuff like that and helped me with everything. I was free to be my own person. I paid for my bills and bought what I wanted without anyone putting me down. Niki was my biggest supporter, and if anything, she was my biggest enabler. If I saw a purse in the window I liked, Niki was right there pumping me up until I caved. I l love her so much, though. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Her old closet room had been transformed into a bedroom for me thanks to the boys. They moved all of her clothing and furniture out, cleaned, and put my new furniture in. Hell, they even put the furniture together for me. It was a fun night watching Joji and Max scratch their heads over directions for an IKEA desk. I couldn’t have been more grateful. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Niki helped me decorate because I honestly have no real sense of style or direction. Together, we chose all white sheets and pillowcases, much like George’s, and the softest throw blankets I’d ever felt in my life for decoration. Beside my bed, closest to the window, was a wooden chair with a white cushion that I sat in in the mornings when I had coffee and looked out over the street. My peace lily sat on the floor beside the chair, reminding me of Joji each time I looked at it. I’d say it did well in providing peace that I desperately needed. Across the room was my dresser where my makeup and mirror sat. Every day when I woke, the picture of Joji and I greeted me as it sat pinched between the mirror and the frame. At night, a child’s projector lit up my ceiling with slowly spinning stars and cast the entire room in beautiful purple and blue hues. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I blocked Gavin, successfully cutting off communication with him from my phone or social media, although we were all prepared in case he decided to show up at the apartment or work. Chad in particular was extremely great about making sure no one got in to the club without his knowledge. He’d even bought a tazer to bring to work with him and made sure to see everyone’s face before allowing entrance. He’d been there when the blow up happened outside the apartment and knew what my ex looked like. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Max became my new archrival when it came to game nights as it always seemed to come down to him and I. Wii bowling night a week ago was particularly fun because it was between him and I. Everyone else had fallen behind in points and the winner would be determined by the last round. I had rolled a spare in my last frame and received extra points, putting Max on edge even more. When it was his turn, the pressure must have gotten to him because his wrist strap came loose and the force of his throw sent his controller straight into the TV. Max’s screams of devastation are something I will never forget. I declared myself the winner by default but he insists on a rematch to this day. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>My relationship with Joji had steadily grown as well. We haven't actually had sex yet but the progress towards it has been fun. The things two people could discover about each other in 2 weeks was mind boggling. It was fun being with him, intimately and otherwise. My feelings for him grew stronger with each passing moment, though we never really spoke about it. He’s honest to God my best friend, and at this point I really couldn’t imagine my life without him in it. We eat almost every meal together, slept over at each other’s apartments, laugh, talk, and share stories about our lives.... I have to look back and laugh at myself for thinking I loved Gavin or that he loved me. No, that shit wasn’t love.</span>
  
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ah, George!” I cried when he lifted my leg over his shoulder and spread my lips with his fingers, thumbing my clit and rubbing in slow circles. My head fell back against the desk and I panted hard because he had knocked all the air out of me. His tongue slid against me again, taking another long lick and sighing, blowing hot breath across my sensitive flesh.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You taste so good. I could eat this sweet pussy all night.” His dark eyes met mine from between my legs as he thumbed my clit with one hand and teased my entrance with his other. Two fingers slid up and down, covering themselves in natural lubricant and pushed gently at my pussy. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I laughed dryly, one single huff as I looked back up at the ceiling and bit back another moan. Joji’s fingers teased me, his tongue running over my clit, flicking and sucking between his lips. At the same time, he pushed in, curling his fingers and softly massaging my inner walls. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>We both groaned together and my back arched lightly, eyes sliding closed.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck, you’re tight.” His fingers began pumping, rubbing against me and sending pleasure straight through my body. His lips never let up as they continued licking and sucking at my clit until I was on the edge of orgasm.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh my god, Joji.” My toes curled as he went into overdrive, pumping his fingers in and out of my pussy and lapping my sensitive flesh. My fingers reached weakly for his head, wrapping around inky black locks and holding tight as my body began its descent. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes baby, oh god yes, cum for me angel.” His encouragement brought me over the edge, and I tumbled. My toes curled, and back arched as I called out his name. My body shook lightly as the remnants of my orgasm faded and I came back down, loosening my grip on his hair. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>George stood, my legs falling from his shoulders as he wiped at his mouth and chin, cleaning his face and fingers off against his shirt. When he finished, he braced himself on the desk beneath me and leaned over to tease my exposed breasts with his tongue. His hands pushed my breasts together and he buried his face in them, groaning lightly. I giggled, running my fingers over his red tipped ears and down to the soft lobe. He had pierced ears that I </span>
  <span>hadn't</span>
  <span> noticed until recently when I caught myself staring at him whenever we were in the same room. I began studying every detail about him, noting and dedicating his face to memory. The sound of his voice, the shine in his hair, every wrinkle and spot. I never wanted to forget anything about this man, not a single feature. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I cupped his jaw with both hands, pulling him up from between my breasts and leaned forward to kiss him. When our tongues met, I could taste myself, which honestly wasn’t as bad as it sounded. He groaned, pulling my body lower on the desk so he could press himself against me. Clearly, he was very hard and probably aching in his jeans as he ground into me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What can I do for you, Joji?” I whispered when I pulled away from his lips and forced him back until I came to a sitting position. My hands trailed down the front of his pants until it met his </span>
  <span>bulge</span>
  <span>. I palmed him through the fabric, rubbing over the hard length as I looked up at him innocently.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Joji’s hooded eyes stared down into mine and he opened his mouth to say something before the office door swung open and the light turned on. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“There you two—holy fuck! Oh shit, my fuckin’ bad, uh...” Max’s wide eyes stared at both of us until they met mine and trailed down. I was almost completely naked, my shirt abandoned on the floor </span>
  <span>somewhere</span>
  <span>, my bra pushed down to my stomach and my skirt rolled up so high it was practically a belt. George, on the other hand, was completely dressed and used his body to block mine from Max’s prying eyes.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>To make matters worse, Max’s outburst called the attention of Niki who peeked around the corner and caught sight of us. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“On Ethan’s desk?!” She yelled and began laughing hysterically before taking her leave.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry.” Max apologized, closing the door and leaving us in mostly silence, except for the sounds of the music and jabber from people in the club. Joji turned around and we stared at each other for what I’d say was a solid 5 seconds before we collectively broke out in laughter. </span>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0039"><h2>39. Sincerity</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The flight from New York City to Buffalo was about an hour and 15 minutes. Not bad and well worth the money considering the alternative was a </span>
  <span>7 hour</span>
  <span> drive in a rental van big enough to accommodate all of us. We only had our days off: Monday and Tuesday, so 3 days and two nights, but Ian, Max, and Chad seemed to have filled our agenda with enough fun to make the trip worth it. George didn’t seem to mind whatever plans they told him they’d made. He seemed far too interested in touching and kissing me at every available opportunity. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Our hotel had a gorgeous view of the falls and was well within distance of every bar, club, and casino in town. I pulled back the curtains in my room and took in the stunning view. Cerulean blue water stretched from miles away, until it met the edge of the falls where rocks broke up the water into streams. White mist and rolling water looked like a beautiful painting from where I stood, tumbling over the cliff and spilling out below into the calm water. Boats tugged up to the mist slowly, touting tourists just close enough to get sprayed before turning around and heading back to the docks. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I stared for a bit longer, entranced in the sight before a knock resounded at my door. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, we’re meeting up in my room to talk about what we’re doing today.” Ian said as he stood in the hall in front of me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, let me get my key.” I turned around quickly to grab the little plastic card from the tabletop beside my bed and followed Ian out the door and down the hall. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“So, things are going well?” He inquired, pushing his glasses up as he glanced at me. I nodded, trying to fight the smile that threatened to overtake my face as the excitement of talking about George built up inside me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Things are great, actually.” I grinned at the carpeted floor. I felt like a lovesick fool, but I really couldn’t find the effort to care; I</span>
  <em>
    <span> am</span>
  </em>
  <span> a lovesick fool. Ian’s brown dress shoes scuffed the floor as he walked beside me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s good to hear. I just wanted to check in with you and make sure you were okay with the plans we made.” Ian cleared his throat and slowed his pace. I slowed as well, coming to a slow walk so we wouldn’t reach his room before we could finish our conversation. I looked up at him and nodded for him to continue, so he did.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, as you know, we’re going to a strip club and I don’t really know what you and George got going but...</span>
  <span>er</span>
  <span>, Max and I were going to buy him a few lap dances for his birthday.” Ian looked away at the framed art on the walls. I laughed; I couldn’t help it. His attention turned back to me and he smiled sheepishly, apologetic for even having to have this awkward conversation with me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Believe me when I say I really don’t mind. I’ve been to a strip club once before and it wasn’t as uncomfortable as I thought. Besides, his birthday is tomorrow, he should have as much fun as possible.” I assured him as we came to a stop in front of a door that I assumed to be his. He scratched at the back of his neck before meeting my eyes.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I agree but I wanted to be respectful and shit, you know?” His mouth turned up into a nervous half smile and I nodded my head. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Well thanks, I appreciate it.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Ian nodded at me before he opened the door with his card and turned the knob. Inside, our friends were already drinking the mini alcohol bottles from the mini fridge and laughing loudly. I let the door slam shut behind me and was instantly bombarded by </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> who wrapped her arm around me and led me over to the others. Her hair was dripping wet, a white robe wrapped around her body, and a tiny bottle of vodka in her hands.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>Livya</span>
  <span>, we’re doing pregame shots. You need to catch up.” She grinned, pulling me to sit on the edge of the king-sized bed in the middle of the room beside Chad. Ian leaned against the dresser, folding his arms across his chest and flashing a thumbs up at Max who was lounging against the headboard behind me. </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span> was sitting in an armchair in the corner by the window, his hands wrapped around a glass filled with honey colored liquid and ice. The butterflies swirled like they were swept up in a mini tornado when I saw him, sending chills all over my body and a smile to creep onto my face. He was looking out the window at the falls and I desperately wanted to know what he was thinking in that moment. I might've asked him if </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> hadn't shoved a shot glass in my hands and brought it up to my mouth.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> you know I don’t drink.” I frowned, struggling against her grip as she tried tipping the glass into my mouth. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, so we’ve meticulously planned out every minute of our time here, so listen up.” Ian spoke up, calling everyone’s attention except </span>
  <span>Niki’s</span>
  <span> as she huffed angrily at me and took the shot herself instead. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re going to lunch; I don’t know about you guys but I’m pretty hungry. Max?” Ian asked his friend who was nursing a mini bottle of whiskey and focusing on the Gameboy in his hands. Max looked up and nodded.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, yep.” He hummed, looking back down at his game. Ian sighed.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, so lunch, we booked a boat ride at two, casino after that, dinner at 7, and then the real fun at the strip club.” Ian finished, earning a lone cheer from Chad.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“With that being said, we need a DD for the night. Volunteers?” Ian asked and nearly everyone, George included, looked away from his gaze. I lifted my hand weakly.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll do it.” I offered before </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> snatched my hand out of the air and clutched it between hers. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“No! You’re going to party and have fun with us.” </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> growled, although she wasn’t nearly as menacing as she thought she was. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span>-” I started to argue with her before Ian cut me off.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s alright, I’ll do it.” He sighed. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re always the DD, someone else should do it.” </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span> chimed in, setting his drink down on the window sill beside him. Ian’s hands slid into the pockets of his pants as he leaned back against the dresser in front of me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Well it’s not </span>
  <span>gonna</span>
  <span> be you.” Ian told George, which was obvious enough. It was silent for a minute before Chad spoke up from my right.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, alright, I'll fuckin do it.” He grunted in annoyance, making Ian’s face light up. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah?” Ian grinned at his friend, looking excited at the prospect of being able to have fun with everyone for once. Sure, Ian drinks occasionally at work but not to the level George, Chad, Max, and </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> do. I’ve personally witnessed Max and Chad black out at work before and while it was entertaining, it was definitely owed to Ian. Always the mother of the group, he deserves the chance to let loose too.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, your scrawny ass can’t carry me anyway. But no one better fuckin vomit on me or I’m going home and leaving you to sleep in the gutter.” Chad joked. Ian smiled gratefully, patting Chad on the shoulder.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll make special sure to vomit on </span>
  <span>ya</span>
  <span>.” Max quipped.</span>
  
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lunch was great. We went to a local burger place and sampled craft beers and the most delicious garlic French fries I’d ever had. I took tiny sips of each beer before I decided I really genuinely dislike beer, which Niki accepted but made sure I knew that didn’t mean I was off the hook. The boys sure enjoyed the beers though, as they guzzled the samples and orders full size pints of each sample. Between the four of them, the beers were gone in 10 minutes flat. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>When 2 o’clock rolled around, we made our way to the dock for our boat ride to the waterfalls. </span>
  <span>Ian had prepaid for our group so we, along with </span>
  <span>a few</span>
  <span> dozen</span>
  <span> other tourists, </span>
  <span>stepped onto the </span>
  <span>rickety tug boat and were immediately called to attention by the tour guide.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Welcome folks, welcome! </span>
  <span>So,</span>
  <span> few rules before we get going: no running on the deck! The boat does get wet and thus slippery. If you fall and slide off the boat, well, can’t say we didn’t warn </span>
  <span>ya</span>
  <span>. With that being said we </span>
  <em>
    <span>will </span>
  </em>
  <span>get hit with water; you </span>
  <em>
    <span>will </span>
  </em>
  <span>get wet. We encourage you to wear one of our free protective coverings but it's not enforced. Just know if your electronics are damaged during the ride, we are </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> reliable!” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“They’re not playing around, huh?” George joked as he saddled up beside me, </span>
  <span>nudging my arm gently with his and smiling down at me. My heart raced when he looked at me like that and it took everything I had not to kiss him right there in front of our friends and these strangers and cause a scene. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>No,</span>
  <span> I guess not.” I replied easily, returning his smile and fidgeting with my fingers in an effort at keeping them off of him. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“-so we’re going to have you sign </span>
  <span>these liability releases stating that you have been made aware of the risks and are taking full responsibility for any damage to your </span>
  <span>person </span>
  <span>or property. If you do not wish to sign you may head back out to the main desk and we’ll refund you the price of your ticket!”  </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>After the brief introduction and safety advisory we finally started out into the water. We had all opted to wear the red plastic coverings as none of us were interested in walking around the casino soaking wet after this. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I held on to the rail as the boat pulled away from the dock and slowly began chugging down the river and towards the giant horseshoe shaped cliff. Joji stood beside me, bracing himself against the rails as well and looking out over the beautiful azure water. An automated voice began spitting out facts about the falls over the loud chugging of the boat and rumbling of the falling water. People on all sides of us had their phones out, taking photos of the scenery and laughing amongst themselves. I was excited, admittedly. I never really cared too much about Niagara, it wasn’t a place I thought I’d ever visit or check off my bucket list, but as we grew closer to the waterfall the imposing natural beauty took my breath away. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The wind picked up heavily, as did the thunderous rumbling from the crashing water and tiny drops began assaulting me, landing on my plastic poncho and sliding down. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“-the white foam floating on the water is </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>dissolved</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span> limestone and is created naturally due to the massive erosion forces of falling </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>wa</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>-”</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“This is amazing!” Niki shouted over the noise, smiling widely from further down the railing. The hood of Ian’s covering flew off and flopped wildly in the wind. Max and Chad were on Ian’s other side, further from me, obstruct from my view. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>With the heavy wind and mist combination, we were getting faces full of water now. White mist emerged from the bottom of the waterfall, flying up into the air and landing on everyone on the surface of the boat. Delighted screams and laughter from our fellow </span>
  <span>passengers</span>
  <span> filled the air as we were unanimously doused in cold water.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“-Canadian falls is 170 feet or 52 meters-”</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Even Niki, who I would have suspected to be the biggest griper about getting wet, was laughing and holding her tongue out to catch the droplets of water. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The water below the boat turned white with foam as we steadily grew closer and all around me, screams of excitement grew louder. I looked away from the water to George beside me who had the widest smile plastered on his face. The barely </span>
  <span>there</span>
  <span> dimples making an </span>
  <span>appearance</span>
  <span> and looking more stunning than the landscape around us. He looked down at me and his smile grew even wider as we were pelted with ice cold water. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“-and the depth of the river at the base of the falls, 184 feet or-”</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Niki shrieked with glee from Joji’s other side as she was hit with water and all around us, other people were screaming as well. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>We were there, as close to the falls as we would get and being </span>
  <span>assaulted</span>
  <span> with the water droplets that fell down from the mist that erupted at the base of the falls. It was stunning and gorgeous and I had never been happier to be here right now, with my friends and this amazing person I absolutely did not deserve. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>George took me in his arms, his entire face and plastic covering slick with water. I held onto him, letting go of the railing and wrapping my arms as far around him as I could. He was laughing when I looked up at his face.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>This is </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>it;</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span> this is him</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>My mouth opened and the words began spilling as soon as the realization hit me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Joji, I l-…" </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He looked down at me, his eyes wide and searching mine. My chest constricted painfully, for what reason I wasn’t sure. Maybe it was the way he was looking at me, desperate, pleadingly. Maybe it was embarrassment at having said such a thing here, surrounded by strangers. Or maybe it was fear that I was about to massively cross a line and ruin everything but...</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I couldn’t do it.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The words faltered in my throat and my heart squeezed anxiously. I swallowed the lump of </span>
  <span>disappointment</span>
  <span> and looked into his softening eyes. I like to believe he understood. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He answered me with a kiss, cold and slightly damp from the water that was hitting us. His arms held me tight to his body, keeping us both steady as the boat began to turn around and the mist stopped pummeling us as heavily as it had been a minute ago. I felt the urge to cry in my frustration, but I pushed it down. I’d had enough of that, and he didn’t need to see more of it either. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I knew what I was feeling because it was </span>
  <span>everything</span>
  <span> he described a few days ago during our conversation about soulmates. He’s home, he’s comfort. I want to be with him, go where he goes, if he’ll allow me. He’s on my mind every waking minute. I know... </span>
  <em>
    <span>I just know.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span> It swirled inside me. I had once referred to it as warmth, then butterflies, but now I recognized it for what it truly was. Love. I love him... </span>
  <em>
    <span>fuck</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0040"><h2>40. Cancer Crew</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Alright, we fucking get it! Are you two </span>
  <span>gonna</span>
  <span> be eating each other all night?” Max groaned from his seat at the bar just as Joji and I pulled away from each other. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“With any luck.” George grinned wickedly, making me blush and avert my eyes from anyone’s gaze. We had all left the boat ride an hour or so ago dripping wet and returned to our rooms to change for the casino and dinner later. I got ready with Niki in my room, where I confessed to her what I almost said to George on the boat. She squealed loudly, nearly bursting my ear drum in her excitement and shook my arms aggressively until I gave her more details. By the time we had done our hair and makeup, she was already crying it off, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue when I told her how much I truly loved George and how I felt so stupid for how long it took me to realize. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I </span>
  <span>can't</span>
  <span> wait to start planning the wedding. You’d look amazing in a mermaid style dress with a long train-” She gushed before I cut her off.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Let’s relax.” I rolled my eyes and hugged her as we sat beside each other on the large bathroom counter tops where we’d been doing our makeup. She looked at me in the mirror with a devious smile but nodded regardless. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>When we met up with the boys at the bar downstairs, George and I were </span>
  <span>inseparable</span>
  <span>. I can only assume he’d told them about our confessions on the boat but I wasn’t sure. If they didn’t know </span>
  <span>now,</span>
  <span> they’d figure it out eventually, anyway. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I wiped at my bottom lip, trying to fix my lipstick that had undoubtedly been ruined by Joji’s lips. His own were red and smeared with my lipstick but he didn’t bother to wipe away the evidence like it did. He grinned dopily as he lifted his whiskey to his lips and threw back the last of it. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Not one for alcohol, I allowed Niki to order me the </span>
  <span>girliest</span>
  <span> fruity drink on the menu, something frozen and made of pineapple juice, vodka, cranberry juice and </span>
  <span>maraschino</span>
  <span> cherries. I could barely taste the alcohol, so I sucked the entire drink down. The bottom of the glass is where I tasted the bitter vodka but by that </span>
  <span>point,</span>
  <span> I already had a light buzz going so the taste was more bearable. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, let’s go lose our life savings!” Chad called from the end of the bar where he had been moping about having to order soda instead of drinks like the rest of us. I pushed back my empty glass and groaned as it sat heavy in my stomach.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ll be fine. We’ll eat soon and it’ll suck up all the alcohol.” Niki assured me from my left as she hopped off her bar stool and followed Chad out into the casino. I let Joji take my arm and lead me out into the main room where my senses were flooded with loud ringing and the strong </span>
  <span>stench</span>
  <span> of smoke. All around us were machines playing little melodies and people talking and laughing. Niki made sat down at the penny slots, Chad and Max went to the blackjack table and Ian found a triple double machine to sit at.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Anything catch your eye?” George asked me, leaning down to speak in my ear so I could hear him over the volume in the room. I shrugged, looking around at the colorful machines that called my attention. Every machine in the room is literally designed to pull you in, playing music and jingles, flashing lights and promises of ‘winning big.’ </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I walked hand in with Joji, following him as we walked through the </span>
  <span>aisles. Honestly, I could care less about gambling, I was content simply being near him.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Feeling alright?” He asked as we strode past the monopoly machines. I nodded, feeling only a tiny bit dizzy but otherwise relatively normal. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes.” I replied, lifting his arm up to duck into his side and pressing my face against his ribs. He laughed at me and pulled me tight. I sighed in content as the warmth and comfort he provided reminded me I absolutely made the right decision that day on the rooftop. I couldn’t imagine life without George in it at this point. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>We decided on a slot machine named Angel’s Touch which Joji joked was ‘fitting’ and I rolled my eyes as I sat on the stool beside him anyway. I watched George slip some coins into the machine and press on the touch screen, placing his bet before pulling down on the oversized lever. Lights lit up his face as he </span>
  <span>grinned</span>
  <span> at me and we watched the screen spin. One by one, the images stopped, landing on losing icons and the lights stopped flashing. I looked at Joji who was offering me a handful of coins and looking at me expectedly.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh no, I’m fine just watching.” I waved my hands in front of my body, declining his offer. His mouth pulled up in a smirk as he took one of my hands gently and dropped a few coins into my palm.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on, it’s fun.” He assured me, pulling me up out of my seat and into his lap. I sat on his thighs and faced the machine that teased me to feed it money. I sighed, slipping a few dollar coins into the machine, placing my bet for the minimum of 5 dollars on the touch screen and pulling hard on the level. It was actually a lot harder than I thought, so Joji had to help me pull it down.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Before our eyes, the screen began spinning and the jingle started up again, blaring loudly. I squinted at the machine in distaste, not at all impressed at how manipulative the game was, but watched anyway as the spinning slowed and the icons stopped one by one. As the last picture fell into place, a louder jingle played and the tinkling of coins was heard by our knees as the machine dispensed gold coins.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey you won 20 bucks!” George said excitedly, scooping up the coins and holding them up to me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“15, really.” I </span>
  <span>murmured</span>
  <span>, closing his fist around the money. His arm wrapped around my waist, holding me from behind as he leaned in to kiss my exposed shoulder.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You look amazing.” He whispered, pushing my hair over my shoulder so he could place more kisses on the back of my neck. His lips tickled, making me squirm in his lap.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you.” I grinned, shying away from his kisses and turning in his lap just enough to press my lips against his.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hello, sorry to interrupt. Can I get you two anything?” A woman said from behind George. We pulled away from each other to look at the waitress who was waiting on our answer. Joji turned back to look at me with a raised brow.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Um, a frozen bay breeze please.” I told her. She nodded, writing on her notepad and looked expectantly at George.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Jack neat.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you have a hotel key, sir?” She asked after she wrote down his order. George dug </span>
  <span>around</span>
  <span> in his jacket pocket before he pulled the little plastic card out and handed it to her. The waitress took his card and swiped it on a little electronic box that she held in her other hand. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Damn, we need those at the club. That’s much more efficient than having Ian ring up the customers.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“</span>
  </em>
  <span>Thank </span>
  <span>you, </span>
  <span>Mr.</span>
  <span> and </span>
  <span>Mrs.</span>
  <span> Miller, I’ll have your drinks right out.” The waitress smiled at us, handing a stunned Joji his card back before taking her leave. I laughed dryly, slipping off his lap and adjusting my dress, pulling them hem back down my thighs.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Well that’s awkward.” I joked, pulling on his hand for him to get off the stool. He gave me a weak smile in return and dropped the coins that he’d been clutching in his pant pockets before standing and following me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>We walked around the room, playing machines here and there and sipping on our drinks. We ran into Max and Chad and watched them play blackjack for a while. Chad actually won a couple hundred bucks while Max lost money. The ensuing cursing fit was entertaining to say the least.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>We moved on to the craps table and I watched George play, blowing on the dice in his cupped hands for ‘good luck’ before he rolled the dice out onto the green table. Someone behind us called George’s name and I realized it was a fan who recognized him. The man smiled widely at Joji, shaking his hand and asking for a picture while the dealer pushed Joji’s dice back over to him for another roll.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I used to watch your videos in high school, I’m so sad you quit.” The man said to George, who shrugged and apologized. I didn’t feel the need to listen any further, but I didn’t nudge him on the arm to take his next shot. The man and George took a quick picture together and said their goodbyes before he turned back to me with an apologetic smile.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Roll, sir.” The dealer called for the second time, quickly becoming impatient. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry.” Joji apologized, taking the dice in his hand and holding them out to me. I leaned forward, making eye contact with him as I blew air onto the dice and he shook his closed hands. He let the cubes fly, watching as they rolled across the tabletop and hit the wall before landing. The dealer pulled the dice back again and handed George some black chips that totaled 100 dollars each. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“My good luck charm.” He grinned down at me, pulling me closer to his side and kissing the top of my head. I closed my eyes, feeling a little dizzy but irrevocably</span>
  
  <span>happy at the same time.</span>
  
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At a quarter to 7, we regrouped, taking cabs and meeting at a fancy restaurant a couple blocks down from the hotel. Niki had obviously had a few more drinks than everyone else as she stumbled out of the taxi, holding onto the door frame for dear life.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You alright, there?” I asked her when I stepped out of the car behind her. I wrapped my arm around her waist, helping her balance on her heels and leading her to the front door of the restaurant. She nodded with a sloppy grin and pushed her shiny, sleek hair behind her ear. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I feel </span>
  <em>
    <span>great</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” She slurred, hanging onto me so I was practically dragging her. I looked around at the men for help and thankfully Chad answered me, scooping Niki up in his arms and carrying her through the doors. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You certainly look great, mate.” Chad laughed, angling himself so that Niki didn’t hit her head on the door frame. She laughed, failing about before </span>
  <span>disappearing</span>
  <span> from my view as Chad carried her through the dark entrance of the restaurant. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“She’ll be fine.” Ian assured me as he walked past, stopping to hold the door open for the rest of us. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>We were seated in the corner beside a large glowing art piece that dripped water. The restaurant was incredibly busy but the voices inside were hushed, each table speaking lowly among themselves in the semi-dark room. I sat across from Joji, Max on his left, Niki on his right. Chad sat on my left and Ian on my right. I looked through the extensive menu as the waiter took our drink orders.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Max ordered 3 bottles of sake, a bottle of tequila and beers for everyone except Chad, who sighed heavily and ordered iced water. When the alcohol was delivered, I slid my beer across the table to Max, who accepted gratefully, but pushed a cup of sake towards me.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Try it, it’s not that bad.” He told me. I peeked over the rim of the cup and looked down at the dark liquid. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t smell it, trust me.” Joji laughed, picking up his cup and tossing the drink back like a shot. I frowned, pinching my nose with my finger and drinking the sake like Joji had. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>Blegh</span>
  <span>!” I coughed, sticking my tongue out and grimacing in disgust. My friends laughed and drank, speaking animatedly at the table while we waited for our dinner. Niki sucked down her beer and I worried about how she’d be able to handle herself for the rest of the night but Chad reassured me he would look out for her. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Olivia! Loosen up, have another drink!” Niki shouted across the table as she poured herself another sake shot and downed it in one quick movement. Max chuckled as he finished his first beer, lifting the glass to his lips. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I rolled my eyes but listened to her, taking another sake shot and shaking my head in repulsion as the bitter liquid slid down my throat. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Kamikaze shots!” Max yelled, pouring tequila into everyone’s empty shot glasses and passing them back out.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck no.” Ian and George said in </span>
  <span>unison</span>
  <span>, both men glowering at Max who plucked the limes from his water and began dumping salt generously onto an empty plate. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t really...” Niki mumbled, watching Max begin spreading the salt into a thin line with his fork. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait, what the-” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“George, would you like a go?” Max pushed the plate towards George and handed him an unopened straw. Ian snickered, shaking his head in </span>
  <span>disapproval</span>
  <span>. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You first.” Joji pushed the plate back to Max who huffed his annoyance.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine, pussy.” Max pushed on the straw, peeling back the protective paper and sticking the end of it up his nose.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Max...” I muttered, refusing to believe what was about to happen.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“No, no, let him do it.” Ian laughed, leaning his elbows on the table to watch excitedly as Max snorted salt into his nostril and quickly picked up the lime between his fingers. I watched in horror as he squeezed the citrus into his eyes and began groaning in pain. The groans turned into cries before he quickly dropped the lime and reached for the tequila, tossing it back in one fluid motion. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You fucking dumbass!” Chad giggling hysterically, along with everyone else who were laughing at Max who was rolling his fists against his eyes and borderline screaming in the quiet restaurant. Joji was tearing up, nearly falling out of his chair. Niki is the only one who looked as shocked as me, and even then, she simply shook her head as if she’d witnessed stupidity like this before.</span>
  
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>By the time dinner arrived, we were all –except for Chad- pretty fucked up. I’ll admit I am a lightweight when it comes to alcohol and after the 2</span>
  <span>nd</span>
  <span> shot, I was nearly gone. I felt silly as I used the fancy metal chopsticks to pick up the first piece of sashimi and struggled to bring it to my mouth. The sushi slipped from my grasp and back onto the plate, nearly knocking over a small bowl of soy sauce.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck.” I giggled, giving up on the sticks and picking up the sushi with my fingers instead. Max was absolutely obliterated, the drunkest out of all of us, as he ignored his dinner and settled for emptying his glass instead before starting on the second one. </span>
  <span>Guaranteed</span>
  <span>, he would be sick by the end of the night.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>George sat across from me, lazily chewing on some pieces of sushi and laughing with Ian over some memories between them I had no idea about. Something about rainbow trout, cigarettes, and John Cena? I don’t know. It all sounded like gibberish to me anyway as I hopped in my seat, happily munching on delicious raw fish and rice. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I looked across the table at Niki who was leaning over the table and pushing her breasts up with her arms as the waiter refilled our waters. She looked up at him, smiling slyly and twirling her hair between her fingers. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The waiter grinned down at her in return, completely ignoring the pitcher in his hands and overfilling Chad’s glass. Ice water spilled all over the table, spreading out onto the floor before the man noticed. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on man.” Chad sighed, taking his fabric napkin and cleaning up the spill. The waiter apologized and tore his eyes away from Niki enough to clean up the mess. I nearly choked when Niki picked up a stray piece of ice and brought it to her lips, making eye contact with the server and rubbing the frozen cube across her bottom lip. Her tongue darted out, catching a drip of water and running the ice down her cleavage, into the valley of her breasts. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>"Jesus fucking Christ, Nik.” Ian chastised through a mouthful of food. Her eyes barely glanced at him, gifting him a hard glare before she returned her attention to the man waiting on us. I decided to chime in for once, smacking Ian lightly on his arm and leaning in to whisper my </span>
  <span>disapproval</span>
  <span>. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Leave her alone, she’s an adult.” I </span>
  <span>scolded</span>
  <span> him and shoved another piece of sushi in my mouth with my fingers, completely abandoning my chopsticks. Ian huffed, returning to his meal as well. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I watched Niki flirt with the man, exchanging numbers and smiles before he left us again. The girl is strong and beautiful and I admired her deeply for her the human being she was. She knew what she wanted, and for a long time I couldn’t say the same. Any woman as confident and </span>
  <span>self-assured</span>
  <span> as Niki had my reverence.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I'm sobering up as the rice soaks up all the alcohol in my belly, but not entirely. By the time it was time to leave for the strip club, I was feeling loopy and finding it hard to focus on any one subject at a time. Chad took my hand, lifting me from my seat and guiding me with his hand on my shoulder over to Niki, who he was also chaperoning towards the door. The men followed behind us as Niki and I skipped down the street hand in hand, singing and making complete and utter fools of ourselves. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The strip club was down the street, lit by neon pink signs visible in the short distance. Niki held my hand as we crossed the street and when we reached the other </span>
  <span>side,</span>
  <span> she shoved me roughly up against the nearest brick building and pointed her finger in my face.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You </span>
  <span>listen</span>
  <span> here, bitch. You </span>
  <span>gotta</span>
  <span> fuck him tonight, no buts...wait...lots of butts. Give him that ass.” I think she was trying to sound menacing but I burst into laughter instead. She grinned widely, gripping the front of my dress in her fist and doubling down on her act.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m serious! Have you heard of the rusty </span>
  <span>trombone</span>
  <span>?” She slurred, stumbling a bit on her heels and nearly toppling over onto the street.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, alright, break it up.” Chad sighed, catching Niki’s upper arm and pulling her off of me. I giggled, watching my friend get pulled down the street like a child by our nanny. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>An arm wrapped around me, pulling me close into a warm body and pulled me along with him. I looked up and smiled dopily at Joji as he gripped a lit cigarette between his index and middle finger and pulled it away. Smoke poured from his mouth and it felt like the air was completely knocked from my lungs at the sight of him. I wish I had a photo in that moment. </span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0041"><h2>41. XXNX</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The music inside the strip club thumped hard and loud, reminding me of work, except for the smell. Sweat and fog </span>
  <span>permeated</span>
  <span> the air as we walked through the entrance and into the large room. There were multiple stages around the room, some small and private and one large one in the center of the room where there was currently a gathering of men. They stood by, cheering and throwing cash onto the floor of the stage as a stripper hung upside down on the pole in front of them. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I was escorted to a small booth in the back of the room along with Max and Niki and told to sit tight by Ian, who </span>
  <span>disappeared</span>
  <span> with George and Chad. Max slid into the booth beside me and dropped his head to the table with a loud bang. I winced and wiggled his shoulder to ask if he was okay. </span>
  <span>Incoherent</span>
  <span> gibberish slipped from his mouth so I pulled back and let him sleep.... I think. On my other side, Niki was singing along and swinging her hips with the song playing. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I looked around the room, watching scantily </span>
  <span>dressed</span>
  <span> and completely naked girls walk around, sitting on and grinding their bodies against men in chairs. I looked in the opposite direction, where the guys had walked off to and </span>
  <em>
    <span>oop</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span> there were women getting lap dances here too.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It was a more intimate vibe than we had at work, which felt more like a party atmosphere than a sexy one, even when Niki walked around without her top on.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Max groaned, lolling his head to the side and pressing his cheek against the tabletop when he turned to look up at me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Water.” He </span>
  <span>murmured through dry lips. I nodded, patting him on the back gently and leaning over the table to look for the others. I spotted them in the distance, standing at the bar. George was laughing as he talked to -one of the more clothed- strippers. Beside him, Ian was speaking to the bartender and Chad had a comically oversized handful of cash. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I patted my dress without thinking, searching for my cell to text them before I realized I left my phone turned off in my hotel room. I’d been so afraid of ruining the trip that I had decided to ditch it for a few days. Everyone I cared about was here with me, anyway. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I sighed, rubbing Max on the back gently. I looked over to Niki who was rapping to the song and completely lost in her own world. Before I had to resort to climbing over the table, Ian turned around, I assume to check on us, and I waved at him to come over. He held up a finger and turned around to lift a couple glasses from the bar as he made his way towards us. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Ian reached the table and placed two large mugs of beer in front of us. Max looked up and groaned but pulled the glass towards him anyway, taking several large chugs of the honey colored liquid. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Max wants water.” I told Ian, watching as Max swallowed down more alcohol. Ian sighed, turning around to head back to the bar just as Joji and Chad returned. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Your cut.” Chad announced happily, thumbing through the cash wad in his hands and offering me a small chunk of it. I grinned, accepting the bundle and counted the money. It was at least 200 dollars in cash. Some 20s and smaller bills but mostly ones.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Jesus, how much money did you cash out?” I asked him, aghast. He chuckled, tossing a stack towards Niki and shoving the largest one into Joji’s hands. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t worry about it. Happy birthday, cunt.” Chad grinned at George and with that, he left the table and over to </span>
  <span>one</span>
  <span> of the stages where dancers were twirling around on glittering poles. Ian returned quickly, placing a large glass of water in front of Max, who immediately began sucking it down.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Well this is going great.” Ian laughed as water dribbled down Max’s chin and onto the glossy tabletop beneath. The song ended and Niki slipped out of the booth, disappearing into the crowd. Behind Joji’s head, Niki’s drunken ass pulled herself up on stage and joined the stripper, hooking her leg around the metal pole spinning. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh my god.” I laughed, covering my mouth. My reaction captured Ian and George’s attention and they turned around to look at what I was staring at. Niki lifting up the hem of her tiny black dress and shaking her ass as the stripper slapped it and cheered her on. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What the fuck.” George </span>
  <span>murmured</span>
  <span>.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Dear God.” Ian sighed.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I laughed out loud and joined in the encouragement for Niki, along with several creepy old men that howled from the pit below the stage and threw dollars her way.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“George?” A woman in a </span>
  <span>bejeweled</span>
  <span> bra and panties asked when she stopped next to Ian. He looked away from Niki, checking the woman out and pushing his glasses up his nose before he answered.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh, no. This is the birthday boy right here.” Ian pulled on Joji’s arm, jerking him towards the dancer. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Follow me.” She smiled, brushing past Ian and wrapping her fingers around George’s arm, pulling him along with her.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait-” Joji’s eyes met mine as he planted his feet firmly on the ground, halting her. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s fine, go on!” I urged him, smiling encouragingly and making a shooing motion with my hands. My eyes met Ian’s and I could see the </span>
  <span>conciliatory</span>
  <span> look on his face as he sat down on Max’s other side. I’m glad he’d given me a heads up about the dance he and Max had bought for Joji so I was prepared for this moment.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“B-”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Your girlfriend can come along, I don’t mind.” The woman interjected. Joji looked at her before smiling at me and grabbing onto my hand. He tugged, plucking me sideways out of the booth.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh no, I-” </span>
  <em>
    <span>H</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>ad absolutely no interest in seeing Joji get another woman’s tits shoved in his face.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t worry, </span>
  <span>hun</span>
  <span>, I do </span>
  <span>couples</span>
  <span> all the time. You’ll like it.” The dancer assured me when Joji pulled me to my feet and I trailed behind the two towards a dark hallway. I looked over my shoulder at Ian for help but he simply shrugged as he sipped his beer and slung his arm over Max’s unconscious body. A second later, my view of him was blocked by a black velvet curtain.</span>
  
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Alright go ahead and have a seat for me right here.” The lady said, pointing at a black leather loveseat, the only piece of furniture in the room aside from the glowing pink neon sign hung on the wall that read “XXX.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Joji and I sat, sinking into the couch. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“My name is </span>
  <span>Jade</span>
  <span>. After your dance is over, I’ll need you to head back out the way we came. Please no touching unless I tell you to, and keep your hands on your knees or at your sides.” </span>
  <span>Jade</span>
  <span> stated firmly as she strolled up to us and ran her nails through George’s hair. He flinched away at first before calming and smiling awkwardly, running his hands up and down his thighs.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m just waiting for the next song to start,” She explained, twirling one of his raven locks between her fingers before dropping it. “In the meantime, how long have you two been together?” She moved over to me, repeating the actions with me. Her nails ran over my scalp, pushing all of my hair to the side and over my ear.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not exactly-”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“We aren’t-”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>George and I both awkwardly fumbled our words as we looked at each other and then away quickly. Embarrassment rose to my cheeks and I stared at </span>
  <span>Jade</span>
  <span>’s shoes instead, noting how cute they were. Red heels with tiny charms hanging off the straps around her ankle. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh. I get it. Friends, hm?” </span>
  <span>Jade</span>
  <span> teased, letting my hair fall and stepping away from us. I couldn’t look back up at her in my embarrassment so I didn’t answer and apparently neither did Joji. “You seemed pretty anxious leaving her back there. I’m sensing...</span>
  <em>
    <span>more</span>
  </em>
  <span> than friends?” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Damn </span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Have you slept together yet?” </span>
  <span>Jade</span>
  <span> asked, pulling my chin up and scratching my neck with her nails. My eyes met her blue ones before I glanced over at George who was just as red in the face as I probably was. “Mm... nope.” She laughed lightly.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not trying to make fun, I promise. We’re </span>
  <span>gonna</span>
  <span> have fun.” She said, brushing her thumb against my cheek before standing up just as a new song started up. The slow, intimate music started and </span>
  <span>Jade</span>
  <span> stopped joking and looked serious. She started dancing, swinging her hips and touching her body from thighs to breasts. I looked away when she bent over, feeling uncomfortable.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>When I looked back, she was on the floor, sliding up with her hips in the air and spreading her legs as she flipped her hair over her shoulder. </span>
  <span>Jade</span>
  <span> rolled onto her back, spreading her legs again and exposing her panties to us before closing them again and pushed herself up to a standing position.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>She stalked back over, </span>
  <span>driving</span>
  <span> her knee in between mine and pushing my legs apart. With one swift motion, she was sitting on my thigh and grinding along with the music. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I looked away from her and Joji, too embarrassed to make eye contact with either of them. </span>
  <span>Jade</span>
  <span> didn’t have that though, as she brought her palm to my cheek and forced me to look straight at her cleavage. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Joji watching.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Jade</span>
  <span>’s hands ran down my cheeks, to my neck and collarbone where she pushed the straps of my dress down my shoulders. My hands flew to my chest, holding my dress in place in case she tried to pull it down, but thankfully she didn’t. Instead she stood briefly, turning her back to me before sitting on my thigh again. Her head laid back against my shoulder as she ground her hips into me, rocking my body back and forth with hers.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Relax.” She whispered in my ear. I put in a </span>
  <span>conscious</span>
  <span> effort to relax, loosening my shoulders and taking a deep breath. “There </span>
  <span>ya</span>
  <span> go.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The grinding stopped as </span>
  <span>Jade</span>
  <span> sat up and looked over her shoulder at me.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Help me with this?” She purred, reaching for her bra straps. I looked at George for help, but he was too busy adjusting his pants. Typical.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I unclasped her bra and returned my hands to my lap while </span>
  <span>Jade</span>
  <span> pulled the garment off. Her attention turned back to Joji and she exchanged my lap for his. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“How old are you this year, birthday boy?” She breathed, pressing her breasts against his chest and rotating her hips against his groin.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Twenty-” She interrupted him when one of her breasts pressed against his face and his voice was merely a mumble. A pang of jealous shot through me that I hadn't anticipated. Up until now I’d managed to chase away all the weird feelings about this situation and I’d even ensured Ian that I would be okay. Yet here I was, watching a stripper named </span>
  <span>Jade</span>
  <span> shove her huge tits in Joji’s face and feeling anger rise up in my chest. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I slid the straps of my dress back up and tried to reel myself in. It’s George’s birthday trip, not the time to start this. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t get shy now,” </span>
  <span>Jade</span>
  <span> called to me, leaning over to run her hands over my arm. “Come join me.” She patted Joji’s </span>
  <span>other</span>
  <span> thigh and I blushed.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>She stood up, lifting herself off of his lap and stepping over to me once again. Joji took a huge breath of air once his face was free and if I wasn’t feeling a certain way right </span>
  <span>now,</span>
  <span> I might’ve laughed at the comical look on his face. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Come. I’ll show you.” She smiled softly at me, reaching for my hands to pull me up. I allowed it, taking her hands and stood in front of her.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“May I?” She asked as her nail picked at the thin strap of my dress again. I think she wanted to drop my dress. I swallowed, not daring to look at George, and nodded, against my better judgement. It was for Joji’s birthday... and besides I’d never ever have this experience again so I might as well have fun with it while I could. </span>
  <span>Jade</span>
  <span> pulled the straps of my dress down again and tugged at the fabric, letting it drop and pool at my feet. I stood half naked, in only my panties in front of Joji and a complete stranger. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Was now an appropriate time to begin reconsidering every life decision that led me here?</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I didn’t have time, however, when </span>
  <span>Jade</span>
  <span> spun me and walked me over to Joji. The look on his face was indescribable, truly. He was stunned, uncertain, and aroused at the same time as he stared at me with glazed eyes.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>She walked up to me, turning her back to George and swirling her hips to the beat of the music lower and lower until her ass touched his knee and she bent over. When she stood back up, she pushed me back until my knees hit the couch and sat me down on his lap. One of her legs flew up to the couch, pressing the sharp heel of her shoes into the soft leather as she moved her body on top of mine and Joji’s in a circular motion. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>She slid against me and in turn I slid against George. The quite breaths that left his mouth behind my head didn’t escape me and I wondered what the hell was going through his head right now. I, for one, was stunned silent.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Jade</span>
  <span>’s foot fell from the sofa and she spun around, planting herself on Joji’s thigh and leaned back, pushing her breasts out as ground into him slowly. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Do as I do.” She instructed me, letting her head fall onto Joji’s shoulder and closing her eyes as she danced to the slow, tantric rhythm of the music. I scooted over, straddling his open thigh between my legs and mimicked her as best as I could, arching my back and feeling my nipples harden from the cool air of the room. I swayed my hips side to side, grinding my ass into his leg like </span>
  <span>Jade</span>
  <span> did.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Jesus.” Joji hissed when my head fell back against his shoulder, making me smile. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Very good.” </span>
  <span>Jade</span>
  <span> praised, standing and reaching for her bra that lie abandoned on the floor. “Have fun tonight, you two.” She giggled and stepped out of the room when the song finished. I let out a breath of air, and burst into hysterical laughter.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Me too.” George laughed beneath me. I sat up and turned to face him, swinging my legs over his lap. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What the fuck was that?” I whispered so low only he could hear. He grinned in return, shaking his head. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I have no fucking idea but it was the best thing that has ever happened to me.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I laughed, pushing his inky black hair away from his eyes and off to the side like he normally kept it. No longer feeling the need to be half naked in a random strip club, I hopped off George’s lap and reached for my discarded dress, slipping it on over my head and adjusting the hem. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Joji stood and took my hand, spinning me backwards into his chest. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Impeccable. A fucking masterpiece.” He told me with a wicked look in his eyes. I nodded, wrapping my hand against the back of his neck and pulling him down to my level.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“My shitty, half assed dance?” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“No, you.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Shitty, half assed me?”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Shut up.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Joji kissed me with a wide smile across his full lips and led me back out into the public area of the club.</span>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0042"><h2>42. Delicate</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“How did the lap dance go?” Ian questioned as we returned to the table. Max snored quietly beside him, his face pressed against the table and a small puddle of drool pooled beneath his open mouth. I glanced at George, curious if he’d say anything and he seemed to think the same of me as he eyed me from the side.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Weird.” I answered first, taking a seat and scooting in so </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span> could slid in next to me. He nodded in agreement, his lips quivering in the corners as he fought back the smile that threatened to overtake his face. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Great,” </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span> added, looking at Ian excitedly. “Thank you so much.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Ian’s face registered confusion for brief moment before smiled and nodded at George.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Glad to hear that, man. Happy birthday.” Ian took another sip of his half empty beer as the conversation ended and he looked away, towards the stage. I spotted </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> sitting in an armchair in the corner, speaking with 3 dancers and gushing excitedly. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Get a load of fat cunt over there.” Ian laughed, putting his glass down and wiping the beer that spilled from his lips from smiling. My eyes followed Ian’s pointed finger towards a leather chair beside one of the smaller stages where Chad puffed on a cigar as he watched a topless stripper shake her ass in front of him. I covered my mouth to hide my giggle at the sight. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span> and Ian laughed too loudly which roused Max awake for a minute. His tired eyes opened, glaring at the boys before he yawned and dropped his head back down to the table. </span>
  
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When we left the strip club an hour or so later, we all packed into the back of an Uber on the way to the hotel. Chad carried Max through the lobby and over to the elevators when I pulled </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span> aside. We were already trailing behind the pack and everyone was speaking so loudly that I hardly think they noticed when we went missing. I pulled his hand down the hall, past the reception area and gym until I spotted what I was looking for: the hotel pool. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The pool had closed nearly 5 hours ago but the door was unlocked when I twisted the handle. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you doing?” George looked around as I slid around the door. I shushed him, tugging on his hand. He stepped inside looking up at the full white moon above us. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span> The door had led to a fenced in, outdoor pool area, complete with plastic lounging chairs and umbrellas. I used the fence as leverage while I peeled my shoes off and threw them onto the nearest lounger. One of them fell from the chair, clacking again the concrete and making me wince.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re not-” He murmured as he watched me. I stepped away from him, towards the dark water of the pool and shrugged my shoulders. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>My hands gripped the metal ladder that led into the murky water and looked back over at him in question. His hands pat around against his pockets, pulling out his phone, hotel key, and wallet and placing them on the lounger beside my heels. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re crazy.” </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span> shook his head as he slipped his feet out of his black sneakers and pulled off his jacket. There he stood, half concealed by the shadows in a t-shirt and jeans. His face and hair painted in moonlight. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Probably.” I grinned </span>
  <span>in</span>
  <span> reply,</span>
  <span> waiting for him to come closer. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He</span>
  <span> strode toward the edge of the pool, taking </span>
  <span>my</span>
  <span> hand in </span>
  <span>his. I</span>
  
  <span>t</span>
  <span>r</span>
  <span>ied</span>
  <span> hard to ignore the butterflies that bounced around with the way he looked at me. </span>
  <span>T</span>
  <span>he pitch-black water served as a dark mirror, casting our reflections back at us.</span>
  <span> Two human figures, holding hands and staring </span>
  <span>straight back at us.</span>
  
  <span>Moonlight scattered across the rippled surface like floating white flower petals.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I lifted my head to confirm he was ready and the eager grin on his gorgeous face told me all I needed to know. Our hands clasped tightly together as we jumped into the darkness and were engulfed in the frigid depths with a resounding splash.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I let go of his hand, needing both of mine to paddle my way to the surface. I broke through and took a large breath, gasping for air. </span>
  <span>Goosebumps</span>
  <span> immediately rose over my skin and my entire body shivered with the chill of the water. </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span> came up not even a second later, sputtering and coughing. His head whipped around until he found me behind him and he laughed aloud.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Its fucking freezing!” He cried, wiping the water from his eyes.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>Ssshhh</span>
  <span>! You’re </span>
  <span>gonna</span>
  <span> get us in trouble!” I warned, swimming the small distance between us to clamp a hand over his mouth. His brown eyes met mine, shining with an energy so delicate I’d only seen on him once before. I let go of his mouth, pushing the soggy black hair that was stuck to his forehead up and away from his face. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Beneath the surface of the water, his hands found my body. The hem of my dress floated up, moving with the water like the jellyfish we saw at the aquarium did. His hands held my waist, pulling me until I was flush against him. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I dipped my head back, re-wetting my hair to give it the slick appearance that was preferable to the rats nest I undoubtedly sported when I resurfaced. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m so deeply in love with you,” George whispered hoarsely, sounding almost like he was on the verge of tears. “that it hurts.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Alarmed, I stared back, making sure the crack of his voice didn’t mean he was upset. It was hard to tell considering we were soaking wet and his face was covered in water droplets.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you...” my hand lifted from the water, trembling lightly from biting temperature of the water and absolutely no other reason. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“There’s no way I’ll ever be able to repay you for everything you’ve done for me.” I stated firmly, to which he opened his mouth in protest but I held a finger over his lips.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Ever.” I reiterated, dropping my finger from his lips and onto the soaked fabric of his t-shirt. “But I’d like to try.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>His brown eyes bore into mine, intensity burning in their depths like a flame that had been rekindled. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“So, we’re…?” He whispered slowly. The water lapped around us, still shaken from our dive. My arms waved around his neck, pulling his face nearer to mine. I felt the golden hand pendant that hung around his neck press against my sternum from beneath his shirt.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“If you want to…” I murmured in reply. Both of us danced around the words but it didn’t need to be said, we knew what we were talking about. His face and body paled under the luminescence of the moon, making his sleek black hair stand out in comparison. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>We pulled each other close at the same time, lips meeting in a loving embrace and moving steadily together. There was no rush, no fear, no guilt.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The sky above our heads nothing more than a canvas blanketed in trillions of stars. Each one appearing to have come out just for us and twinkling in approval. </span>
  
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The curtains of the hotel room were already wide open, staring straight across the river at the waterfall we’d visited earlier today, except now they were illuminated with every color of the rainbow. The mist that lifted off of the rocks below was tinted pink as it lifted into the air. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Wow.” I breathed as I stood beside the window, trembling faintly in my soaked dress that clung tightly to my body. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>We couldn’t find towels anywhere after we pulled ourselves out of the pool so we opted to running through the lobby with our belongings, trailing small puddles of water behind us and into the elevator. It was late enough that no one was around except for the woman at the reception desk, but we dropped low to sneak around her, and I think successfully pulled it off. We broke into laughter in the elevator, accusing each other of being too loud and wondering out loud if we’d get in trouble for breaking in to the pool before we got distracted...</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I had given my hotel key card to Chad for safe keeping, but seeing as it was late and he was more than likely asleep in his room, I took George up on his generous offer to share his room for the night. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>A weight on my shoulders pulled my attention back to the present where </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span> had wrapped a towel around my shoulders.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you.” I pulled the towel closer around my body and turned to catch a glimpse of him. He had a towel around his shoulders and was using a corner of it to wipe the inside of his ear as he stared out the window. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“No problem.” The corner of his mouth lifted up in a polite smile as glanced at me and back over to the horseshoe falls. I looked out the dark window, my eyes skimming over the beautiful scenery in front of me and focusing on the full moon high above it that was being wrapped in thin blue clouds. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I have some extra clothes </span>
  <span>in my suitcase </span>
  <span>you can </span>
  <span>borrow</span>
  <span>.” </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span> turned around, but I stopped him, taking his forearm in my fingers. Our eyes met and my heart raced, beating hard against my ribcage.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t need any.” I breathed. Normally I would’ve been embarrassed at how bold I was being, but the look on his face gave me every bit of confidence I needed. I hand dropped from his arm, reaching up to slide the straps of my dress down and pulling the sodden garment down. The cool air in the room hit my newly exposed skin, making goosebumps erupted and my nipples harden. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span> was on top of me before I had a chance to even look up. His lips pushing against mine, desperately as he walked me backwards toward the bed. I sat, never breaking the kiss, as he hovered over me. My hands ran up his stomach, rolling the wet fabric of his t-shirt up his body and feeling his cool skin under my fingertips. He complied, finally pulling away to pull the shirt off and toss it onto the floor before returning to me. My fingers knotted in his wet hair, forcibly pulling his mouth back to mine and slipping my tongue between his lips. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He made a small noise of pleasure, climbing further up the bed with me until we were lying down. My legs wrapped around his waist just above his jeans. My feet pushed the fabric on his thighs down, hoping he’d understand. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He’s anything but dumb.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Pulling back from the kiss again, he reached down to fumble with the buckle on his belt. I sat up, watching him undo the metal clasp and sliding the leather out. His fingers reached the button of his pants when I stopped him.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I want to do it.” My fingers replaced his, pulling the metal button from the jean fabric and pulling the zipper down. George pushed his pants down, struggling like I did as the soaked clothing stuck to his legs. I giggled as I watched him sit back and tug the pants down each leg. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Dumb fuckin pants.” He cursed when he finally kicked them off and they fell into a pile on the floor. I pushed the covers of his bed back, sliding my legs underneath the soft sheets. </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span> turned around, stopping to stare at me. The corner of his mouth pulled up slowly before growing into a breathtaking smile. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m waiting.” I whispered as I hooked the lacey fabric of my panties under my fingers and pulled it from my body. I held the panties up, letting them dangle from my index finger before throwing them at him. A second later he was on top of me, pulling a squeal from my throat that turned into a moan soon after.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Our bodies pressed against each other, creating their own heat and quickly warming the both of us under the covers. He was everywhere, nipping gently at my neck, his hands skimming down my inner thighs, spreading my legs. His dick was rock hard in his underwear, sliding and grinding against me</span>
  <span>, </span>
  <span>teasing</span>
  <span>, </span>
  <span>as he got</span>
  <span> his</span>
  <span> revenge for earlier.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span> please.” I begged </span>
  <span>breathlessly</span>
  <span>, trying to kick his boxers off with my feet again. I felt him nod against my neck and his hands left my thighs. His hips shifted away, leaving me a wreathing mess beneath him as he pushed off the last barrier left between us. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I gasped when his fingers ran through my lower lips, wetting themselves and rubbing the lubricant over himself. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>This was happening. </span>
  </em>
  <span>My heart raced at the realization.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>A softness rubbed against my clit, sending pleasurable shocks through my body. It moved down, sliding across my slick center before settling in front of my entrance, right where I needed him. My chest was heaving already, my body rigid with anticipation and excitement. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span> leaned down, taking one of my nipples between his lips as he pushed forward, sliding inside and filling me up. I cried out, feeling overwhelmed by both the pleasure and the emotion that overcame me. Sex unquestionably felt better when you’re in love. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Shit,” He hissed around my nipple, lapping at the bud with his tongue before pressing his face against my breast. “so fucking tight.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He moved, pulling </span>
  <span>out</span>
  <span> and pushing back</span>
  <span> in, eliciting</span>
  <span> moans from the both of us. My eyes closed of their own accord as the </span>
  <span>feelings</span>
  <span> enveloped me. His hands, his tongue, his cock,</span>
  <span> all </span>
  <span>ripping sounds</span>
  
  <span>from my </span>
  <span>throat I didn’t know I could make</span>
  <span>. He moved steadily at an even pace as we both enjoyed the sensation and grew accustomed to each other. The wet, suckin</span>
  <span>g and skin slapping sounds</span>
  <span> coming from between us drove me</span>
  <span> closer to the edge</span>
  <span>. My body heat was tenfold from where it was just a few minutes ago; I was burning up now.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, fucking God.” </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span> moaned, his eyes closing as well as his movement picked up. I answered him with a moan of my own and gripped his forearms that had a tight hold of my hips. His pace picked up,</span>
  <span> thrusting</span>
  <span> his hips </span>
  <span>faster which rubbed</span>
  <span> my clit each time his pelvis met mine. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah, ah, </span>
  <span>yesss</span>
  <span>.” I whimpered as his movements grew more intense and the pressure against my clit increased. One of his hands left my hip and trailed up my body, over my bouncing breasts until he reached my chin. His thumb rubbed my lips, fingers sprawling over my cheek in a loving gesture. I opened my eyes to look up at him as he moved above me. The sight was exquisite. </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span> naked and panting, his lower body pushing into mine, rocking me with the force of his movements. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I planted my hand on top of his that rest on my cheek</span>
  <span>, pulling</span>
  <span> his </span>
  <span>fingers</span>
  <span> away</span>
  <span> and</span>
  <span> bringing </span>
  <span>them </span>
  <span>to my mouth where I slipped his middle finger between my lips, sucking and running my tongue along the digit.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I- I’m </span>
  <span>gonna</span>
  <span> fucking cum</span>
  <span>…</span>
  <span> shit.” </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span> groaned as his thrusts became even more frantic. I grinned around his finger, sucking hard as I bobbed my head up and down and maintain</span>
  <span>ed </span>
  <span>eye contact. I felt evil</span>
  
  <span>in the best way possible as I watched him be</span>
  <span>gin </span>
  <span>to fall apart. He was losing it quickly, I could see, as pleasure distorted his features. His eyebrows pulled together in a worried sort of look as he stared back down at me. His dark eyes flicking from my mouth down to where we were joined. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Cum, baby.” I cooed around his finger, popping it from my mouth and pulling it down my body, over my nipples and down to where our bodies met. I used his finger to rub my clit, guiding him in small circles over the bud. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Not like he needed any direction;</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span> I knew firsthand </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>he was good all on his own.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Olivia...” He grunted, rubbing his saliva slicked </span>
  <span>finger</span>
  <span> over my clit without my help. My body reacted instantly, pleasure shooting through me and making me cry out. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Cum inside me, </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span>.” I begged, shaking below him as my orgasm crashed over me. His body pummeled into mine, knocking me against the wall with each thrust. I might’ve gotten a concussion if it weren't for the barricade of pillows behind me to soften the blow.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Jesus fucking shit!” </span>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0043"><h2>43. Too Damn Filthy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Sunbeams in my eyes forced me awake. Squinting, I rolled over, away from the ray of light and into his warm embrace. I couldn’t resist getting a peek at him, glancing up with one eye open to capture the sight of </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span> sleeping peacefully beside me. His onyx hair scattered out on the pillow beneath him like a halo of spilled ink. His chest rose and fell with his steady breaths, a quiet snore barely audible. I smiled, unable to withhold the glee that filled my heart at the sight of him in front of me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>We were both still naked from last night’s activities; skin pressed against skin. It was hot under the covers, but I really didn’t want to have to pull away. Waking someone so beautiful from their slumber should be a cardinal sin. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>However, I couldn’t ignore the urge to use the restroom, and that’s what forced me to pull away from him. I tried hard to be quiet, removing my legs from the entanglement they were in with his, and scooting away. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Joji’s</span>
  <span> brown eyes opened and his deep breathing ceased as he blinked at me, gaining consciousness. Sadness overcame me at the fact I’d woken him, while simultaneously replaced with excitement at getting to see his gorgeous eyes again. He squinted, raising his hand to shield his face from the light of the rising sun as it slithered across the bed. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Happy birthday.” I greeted him, leaning down to kiss the top of his head before I left the bed. George sat up slowly, looking down at himself and rubbing his eyes before he replied. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you.” His voice was deep and gruff and sexy. I about melted at the sound, but I couldn’t yet. I excused myself to the restroom where I did my business and splashed my face with some water. I looked in the mirror, examining my body. The flare of my hips, the curve of my waist, the ridge of my collarbone... all had been touched by </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span>. I blushed, touching my lips with my fingertips and grinning at my reflection. My hair was a wreck, absolute chaos. I slept all night with </span>
  <span>unbrushed</span>
  <span>, chlorine filled hair—not to mention the friction my head received last night when I was rammed into the pillows over and over.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>Livvy</span>
  <span>?” George’s voice called from the other side of the door, startling me. I turned away from the mirror, towards the door.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah?” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I </span>
  <span>gotta</span>
  <span>... um, I </span>
  <span>gotta</span>
  <span> use the--” He mumbled behind the wood. I opened the door, coming face to face with him. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry, go ahead.” I stepped aside, letting him in so I could slide out, closing the door behind me. I opened the closet across from the bathroom, pulling one of the hotel provided white robes from the rack and slipping my arms inside. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Thank God for them, honestly, I didn’t feel like putting my damp dress back on. </span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I tied the robe closed in the front and started picking up our belongings from the floor. My dress was still significantly wet when I lifted it up, leaving a small wet spot on the carpet. My next task was closing the windows, blocking out the blinding light that had woken me in the first place. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>When the bathroom door opened, I held </span>
  <span>Joji’s</span>
  <span> boxers out to him and he smiled gratefully. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks.” He pulled them on behind me as I had turned away to give privacy. As if I hadn't already seen all of him last night. I sat on the edge of the bed, replaying last night over again in my head.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you smiling at?” </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span> laughed, coming to sit beside me. I bit back the smile, looking at him in the eyes and smiling even harder when I realized he was as well. I shook my head, covering my cheeks with my palms. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>Nothin</span>
  <span>.” I countered, looking away before he got the chance to read it on my face. His hands ripped mine from my face, wrapping around my wrists and pulling </span>
  <span>them</span>
  <span> down.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“No, what is it?” He grinned excitedly, moving closer to my face. My head was facing as far away as it would go, but he climbed over my lap until I caught sight of him in my peripheral. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing!” I giggled, closing my eyes.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Tell me.” George urged, letting go of my wrists to grab onto the sides of my face. My eyes shot open and I stared up at him, feeling my cheeks flush. “</span>
  <span>Ohh</span>
  <span>.. I think I know.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t.” I quipped, grinning up at him. He nodded, smiling knowingly. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, yes I do,” His hands released my face, instead moving to brace his body against the sides of my head. “You’re thinking about last night... aren't you?” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>My face lit up in embarrassment. I know we were joking, but everything was still so fresh between us that I couldn’t hide the bashfulness that came so natural to me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I </span>
  <span>dunno</span>
  <span>.” I rasped.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, you do. You were thinking about last night.” He teased with an amused grin that lasted only a few seconds before it dropped from his face completely.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What exactly about last night was making you smile like that, huh?” George continued the joking, or so I though. His voice shifted, sounding slightly slower and deeper than normal, more like it did this morning...or last night. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I shifted beneath him, curious as to where he was taking this, but it didn’t take me long to figure out. He went on when I didn’t answer.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Was it... when I touched you here?” </span>
  <span>Joji’s</span>
  <span> hand dipped into my robe, pushing the plush fleece aside. </span>
  <span>My breath caught in my throat</span>
  <span>, halting any incoming airflow until his fingers grazed my nipple and I </span>
  <span>let out a harsh breath.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“No? Maybe here...” His whispered, </span>
  <span>sliding his hand lower down my rib cage and pulling open the entire </span>
  <span>top half </span>
  <span>of the robe with him. </span>
  <span>His knuckles skimmed the side of my waist, feeling the curve of my body</span>
  <span>. His breathing audibly picked up, sounding louder and </span>
  <span>shaky now. </span>
  <span>He held himself up on his knees, using his other hand to </span>
  <span>pull</span>
  <span> the </span>
  <span>strings of the robe at my waist</span>
  <span> until they fell by the wayside, exposing me to him. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>George’s hand</span>
  <span>s </span>
  <span>slid over hip</span>
  <span>s</span>
  <span>,</span>
  <span> caressing </span>
  <span>my skin</span>
  <span>, until he came to a stop at my thighs. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>Actually, I’m positive it was </span>
  <em>
    <span>here.</span>
  </em>
  <span>” </span>
  <span>His hands spread my thighs apart</span>
  <span> and a single finger dipped into my heated flesh. </span>
  <span>I </span>
  <span>whimpered as the desperate need for him overwhelmed me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Tell me, am I correct?” </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span> smirked as his finger continued massaging me, </span>
  <span>circling my clit but never actually touching it. </span>
  <span>I was a mess. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes.” I gasped, hoping he’d relieve me soon. I could see he wanted me too as his dick strained in his boxers, </span>
  <span>pushing against the fabric. There was no need for more needless torture, we’d been through is so much already. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on, baby. You can do better than that.” He was teasing me and not in the </span>
  <span>fun</span>
  <span> way</span>
  <span>. I huffed, trying to close my thighs together but he blocked me, moving to sit in between them. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“George.” I whined, </span>
  <span>hoping the pout on my face would appeal to him in any way. He pulled his finger away completely.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It did </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Alright fine</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I was smiling </span>
  <span>because I was thinking about the way you </span>
  <span>swore</span>
  <span> when you came and the </span>
  <span>way you looked when you were </span>
  <span>fucking</span>
  
  <span>me</span>
  <span>.” I admitted, staring straight into </span>
  <span>his eyes. The smile reappeared on his face</span>
  <span>.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>Oh Liv,” </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span> whispered,</span>
  <span> moving his hand back and circling my clit with his thumb. “I haven’t fucked you yet.</span>
  <span>” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I gasped. At his words, at the </span>
  <span>stimulation to my clit, I wasn’t sure.</span>
  <span> My head tilted </span>
  <span>back as his thumb increased in speed, pressing </span>
  <span>firmly against me and making my body tremble.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Two fingers teased at my pussy</span>
  <span> but before he pushed them in, I caught his gaze. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Please.” </span>
  <span>I moaned</span>
  <span>.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you want baby? Please say it.” </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span> groaned, his eyes hooded and dark. </span>
  <span>His thumb stopped</span>
  <span> its motions </span>
  <span>completely. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>You, I </span>
  <span>want you</span>
  <span>.” </span>
  <span>I pushed myself up </span>
  <span>into a sitting position, forcing him </span>
  <span>back.</span>
  <span> I reached into his boxers, gripping his hard cock and pulling it from its constraints. </span>
  <span>He was </span>
  <span>hot and silky smooth in my hand as I pumped him. </span>
  <span>He moaned quietly</span>
  <span>.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck me, </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span>.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ve got a filthy fucking mouth.” </span>
  <span>His thumb ran across my bottom lip</span>
  <span> as he looked down at me</span>
  <span>. </span>
  <span>My heart thumped harshly at his words</span>
  <span> and I had to actively catch my breath. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Only for you.” And it was true. I’ve never been so bold or used such language in bed before. He grinned genuinely before the serious look overtook his features once more.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“On your hands and knees.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I did as I was told, letting go of his cock and slipping my arms out of the robe, leaving it a puddle beneath me. Getting on my hands and knees in front of him was slightly embarrassing. I felt my face flush, likely turning beet red. His fingertips caressed the curve of my ass, running down the cheek before cupping it and squeezing. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“So pretty</span>
  <span>.” He mumbled to himself </span>
  <span>before I felt him shift behind me, the bed lifting as he stepped down. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Before I knew what was happening, his hot tongue was sliding through my folds and a shriek erupted from my throat. His tongue flicked at my clit and I spread my legs to give him better access. I cried out, looking down between my legs at the sight of </span>
  <span>Joji’s</span>
  <span> jaw moving with his performance. He took my clit between his soft lips, rubbing it between them, playing with me. Working me until I was on the verge. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes baby, cum for me.” George encouraged, teasing the sensitive nub until I couldn’t take it anymore and my thighs clamped shut while I shook. My head buried into the comforter beneath me as I came down from my high. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He shifted behind me again, his mouth leaving me as he stood and I heard the sound of something hitting the floor. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The soft, bulbous head of his penis ran through </span>
  <span>my folds</span>
  <span> and I moaned both at the feeling and the anticipation. I spread my legs once again, curving my back as I prepared for him and was rewarded by </span>
  <span>Joji’s</span>
  <span> cock sliding inside me, filling me to the hilt. We moaned together, enjoying the feeling of each other for a moment before he moved. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He started slow, like last night, sliding out and pushing back in. His hands ran over my ass and down my back, tracing the curve of my spine with his finger while he picked up the pace. My face was pressed against the comforter, rocking back and forth into the bed and enjoying every single second of it. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The pace steadily grew faster and harder until I was a blubbering mess, borderline screaming out my pleasure. George drew my arms behind me, gripping my wrists in his hands as he rammed into me. I delighted at the cursing and moans coming from him, hell, I lived for them. The sounds of </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span> in the throes of pleasure were my new favorite sounds in the world. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Your tight little pussy is </span>
  <span>gonna</span>
  <span> make me...agh.” He let go of my wrists as he opted to wrap his hand in my hair instead. He pulled my head to the side, forcing me to look at him and leaned over me to whisper in my ear. “I want you to cum all over my cock, beautiful girl.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, yes, yes.” I hissed in agreement as he drove into me faster. His words invoking a new wave of arousal in me that I could feel dripping down my inner thighs. The wet suction sounds coming from where we were joined along with his quiet groans were quickly getting to me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>So</span>
  <span> fucking good.” I moaned, closing my eyes and indulging in the pleasure that shot through my veins, rocketing up and down from my head to my toes. He felt so good, so goddamn good. My body accepted him, taking every inch and griping like it was made for him. His free hand ran over the curve of my ass, feeling the soft skin before pulling back and slapping me. The swift movement left me with a small sting and a slight tenderness but I liked it. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>George’s hand left my hair,  trailing down instead to grip my upper arms. He pulled me up against his chest, lips immediately finding the skin of my neck and nipping at it. The angle of his thrusts changed to account for the new position and he ended up hitting me at an angle that felt so good it took my breath away. I stepped even closer to the edge. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>His lips nibbled at my ear lobe, moving up to graze the shell of my ear. I could hear his soft pants even better now and I moaned out for him. His hands met my breasts, holding them while he bounced us. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you </span>
  <span>gonna</span>
  <span> cum, baby?” He groaned into my ear, pressing his face into my hair. I nodded, unable to make any coherent words at the moment besides the whimpers and cries that escaped me now. </span>
  <span>Joji’s</span>
  <span> hand trailed down, over my belly and towards my wet pussy. His finger massaged my clit again, pressing firmly as he worked me.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Let’s make sure of that.” His words pushed me over, finally. I cried out, dropping my head back against his shoulder and pressing my ass back against him as I shook, </span>
  <span>cumming</span>
  <span> all over his cock like he wanted me to. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck.” George grunted, pounding into me for a few more seconds before his body became rigid and I felt him fill me up. He let out a harsh breath beside as he struggled to calm himself. I shifted, coming back down to the bed and sliding off of his softening cock. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He</span>
  <span> hissed when I removed myself from him before sitting beside me and grinning like a fool. I couldn’t judge, I was too.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I would kiss you but... morning breath.” I beamed at him, sliding off of the bed on weak legs. He laughed and nodded.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Understandable.” George fell back on the bed, collecting himself, while I slid my robe back on and stepped into the bathroom to clean myself up. </span>
  
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span> texted Chad for me to see if he was awake and if I could get my hotel key. Chad responded quickly, agreeing to bring the key to George’s room and told us to meet him and the others downstairs to breakfast in a half hour. Apparently, some of my friends were having a rough morning and Chad had already been thrown up on twice today. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>George walked me back to my room, clad in the other hotel robe instead of his clothing because he didn’t want me to be ‘the only one walking the halls without clothes.’ My heart melted for him. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>We embraced at the door, holding each other tight. He kissed the top of my head, nuzzling me with his cheek and we said our goodbyes.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll come get you, okay?” He pulled away from our embrace and backed away, stepping out of the threshold. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay.” I agreed, watching him walk back down the hall before I shut the door of my room. My back pressed against the door and I slid slowly down to the floor. “Holy shit.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>A second of realization passed before I squealed and buried my hands in my face.</span>
  <em>
    
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I had sex with </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>Joji</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>. Twice.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I bite my finger to make sure I was dreaming; the stinging pain reminding me that I was not. I sighed, resting my head against the door and smiled to myself. I’m so completely and utterly happy, nothing could ruin this.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Eventually I stood and opened my packed bag, digging around for my clothing and toiletries when I spotted my discarded cell phone sitting at the bottom.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>No one could ruin this.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I grabbed my things and made my way to the bathroom without another look back. </span>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0044"><h2>44. Yours</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Two short stacks, eggs medium well, and bacon please.” Chad handed the waitress his menu as we sat around the table at the nearest diner. Max burped and immediately covered his mouth with his hand, looking pale. Niki sat beside him, holding her head in her hands and groaning with the pain of her migraine. The waitress left the table after taking everyone’s orders, except for Niki and Max, who refused to order food.  </p><p>“So,” Ian started, eyeing me and Joji beside me with a knowing smile on his face. “How was your night?”  </p><p>I glanced at George, who returned my look and decided to answer for us. He cleared his throat, sitting his elbows up on the table and began playing with the salt shaker. </p><p>“Fine. We took a swim.” George answered nonchalantly. I took a sip of my coffee, trying to look as inconspicuous as possible.  </p><p>“Oh, I’m sure you did.” Chad chimed in, the comment catching me and Joji both off guard. I covered my mouth with my hand, nearly spitting out my coffee and Joji stopped spinning the salt shaker in his hands. Ian laughed out loud, slapping his palm against the table and inciting groans from the two hungover people that sat with us. </p><p>“Dude!”  </p><p>“Fuck, my head.”  </p><p>Max and Niki complained, whimpering in unison. I swallowed the coffee in my mouth, clearing my throat and averting my gaze from any of the men at the table.  </p><p>“I just can't help but notice the subtle glow of your skin today, Olivia.” Ian teased, bringing his mug of coffee to his lips and watching me. Chad was also watching me, amused at the conversation topic and likely at how uncomfortable George and I seemed to be. They delighted in the torture, but I wouldn’t let them have it. </p><p>“Yeah, they say cum does that.” I stated, switching between Ian and Chad’s faces as they went blank and then dropped in shock. Even Niki and Max looked up. </p><p>A shrill ringing interrupted the moment and we all looked at the source, Joji. He pat his jeans, pulling the cell phone from his pocket just as Niki and Max began whining again. </p><p>“Thank God. Good luck with this conversation.” Joji quipped, pushing back from the table and walking away as he answered the call. Niki’s gaze caught my attention, looking tired and slightly sick.  </p><p>“Is it big?” She asked. Even while hungover, her personality managed to shine through. I grinned, ignoring her question and the laughter of the boys –except Max—as I took another sip of my coffee. </p><p> </p><p>When George returned, our breakfast had already been served and I looked up from my eggs to greet him but I stopped short at the look on his face. </p><p>“What’s wrong?” My questioned pulled the others’ attention and they stopped the clanking of their silverware. George looked stunned as he sat down beside me and looked into my eyes. </p><p>“That guy from the club. Sean. He just called to offer me a contract.”  </p><p>“Joji that’s amazing!” I beamed, setting my fork down to hug him tight. The table agreed, erupting into cheers and congratulations. I pulled back to see his face and there was the smile, finally beginning to make its way to his lips as the realization set in.  </p><p>“What did he say?” Ian asked curiously as he shoved a forkful of pancakes into his mouth. I rubbed Joji’s back before letting him go and picking my fork back up. He still looked stunned, but elated now, as he gave Ian his attention. </p><p>“He said he wants to offer me a contract with his record label if I can perform in front of his investors.” George spoke slowly, the grin spreading across his face and creating the wrinkles in the corners of his eyes I love so much.  </p><p>“He also wants Niki to perform,” He glanced over to the girl in question, who’d been listening quietly to the conversation until her name was said. Her eyes lit up. “if they like you, they want to sign you too.”  </p><p>Despite the migraine she claimed to have, Niki screamed... like gave an ear piercingly loud shriek and began hopping in her seat.  </p><p>“Bloody fucking hell!” Max clamped his hands over his ears and cringed away from Niki beside him. When she stopped, she huffed excitedly for a moment, catching her breath before the pain returned to her face and her head dropped to the table. I looked out over the diner where people were glaring at us and staring.  </p><p>“Alright. Well congratulations to both of you. When do they want you to perform?” Ian awkwardly tried to keep the conversation moving, looked away from the strangers watching us and back at Joji.  </p><p>“Um, he’s gonna call and let me know.” Joji replied, dropping his eyes to his likely cold breakfast and unraveling his fork from its bundle. I returned to my eggs as the stares in the room finally died down and the clattering of silverware resumed.  </p><p>“I feel like I’ve been dreaming all morning, now this only adds to it.” George laughed, stabbing at the hash browns on his plate. Ian’s wide grin caught my attention before I looked away and smiled to myself.  </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I cannot<em>  believe  </em>I missed you guys having sex for the first time!” Niki groaned, popping an Advil in her mouth as we sat on the bed in her room. We were supposed to get dressed for the rest of the activities the guys had planned for the day, but Niki and Max were still so messed up from last night that I doubted they’d come along. </p><p>“What, were you gonna watch?” I shot her a look over my shoulder as I straightened my hair in the bathroom. She sat on the floor behind me, leaning up against the wall and watching me get ready.  </p><p>“Of course not, you know what I mean.” She huffed, rubbing her fingers against her temples to rid her head of pressure. I brushed through my hair, ridding myself of any knots before running the flat iron over the strands. “So, how was it?”  </p><p>“You sound like Ian. Perverts, all of you.” I laughed, catching her smile in the mirror. She pushed herself up from the ground and walked into the bathroom.  </p><p>“We’re just curious. He doesn’t talk about stuff like that so we have to get our clues from <em> somewhere </em>.” Niki teased, coming up beside me to lean against the bathroom counter. She picked up my hairbrush, examining the handle. </p><p>“Was he...?” She asked, holding up the brush between her index fingers. I scowled at her before looking back at my reflection. </p><p>“I’m not doing thissss.” I sang, picking another piece of frizzy hair from my head and running it through the iron. Niki nodded, scooting her fingers lower down the brush. </p><p>“I get it, he's more like this?”  </p><p>“Niki! George is your friend, you are sick!” I laughed, pushing her away gently with my shoulder. She set the brush down, hopefully giving up on the joke, and spun around behind me. </p><p>“George is your friend too and you fucked him.” She countered, taking the flat iron from my hands and helping me with the hair at the back of my head.  </p><p>“Well... actually...” I murmured, feeling a blush creep up my neck and into my face as I remembered our agreement in the pool last night. Niki’s hands froze just before she began straightening a piece of my hair.  </p><p>“No... are you guys...?” She looked at me in the reflection of the bathroom mirror, her face registering shock and hope. I nodded, feeling her emotions begin to infect me. She put the iron down on the counter and spun me to face her. I looked into her brown eyes and realized she was crying. </p><p>“Niki, why-?’ </p><p>“I’m just so happy! This is the best day of my life.” She cried, wiping at the quickly falling tears that rolled down her cheeks. I smiled, pulling her in for a hug.  </p><p>“For now. Just wait until you get signed.” I embraced her tight as she laughed and began crying harder.  </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Max and Niki did end up coming with us, wearing sunglasses and popping painkillers like they were M&amp;Ms but it’s fine. We to the observation tower first, a structure that stood tall enough to see over the top of the waterfall. The view was indescribable, it took my breath away. We took a group photo for George’s birthday, courtesy of some kind tourists.  </p><p>We returned to the casino after Max started complaining and Ian decided to ditch the rest of the plans since Max and Niki weren't up for being outside much longer and we’d already done all the fun stuff anyway. We spent a couple hours gambling, though no one won very big. A couple hundred bucks gained and lost before we called it quits. Somehow during our discussion about where to have lunch, Joji and Ian had the genius idea to convince Chad to get a tattoo. So, we spent another couple of hours at a tattoo parlor downtown, watching Chad squeal in pain as he got a giant design on his ass cheek with some writing around it. </p><p>To be honest, I didn’t close enough to try to read the words. </p><p>Joji and Ian laughed hysterically the entire time while Max filmed the entire thing with his phone. Niki and I waited a few feet away in the front of the shop, talking about how stupid the idea was.  </p><p>It was a quarter to 6 when we left the shop, just in time for dinner.  </p><p> </p><p>“Ow, my ass hurts.” Chad whined, adjusting in his seat at the dinner table. Ian had made us a reservation at this Italian restaurant not too far from the hotel. The ambiance was nice as we sat down at a candlelit table and were handed leather bound menus. I sat beside George, holding his hand under the table as I read through the menu.  </p><p>“I haven't anything all day, I’m fuckin starving!” Max commented as he flipped through the pages of his menu. Chad immediately took offense, glaring daggers at the smaller boy beside him. </p><p>“Yeah, I know! I had your last meal all over my fucking shirt last night, cunt!” Chad griped angrily. Max looked incredulously at Chad and then around the table. </p><p>“As if I haven’t had your vomit all over me at my wedding!” Max snapped, pulling a laugh from Chad. Niki groaned in disgust, keeping her eyes pointed at the menu in her hands. I looked at George who was also laughing.  </p><p>“Wedding?”  </p><p>“Don’t ask.” He grinned, shaking his head and taking a sip of water. <em> Damn, I feel so left out of all these inside jokes.  </em>I wondered if George would care if I watched his old videos when the waiter approached the table and distracted me from the thought. We ordered, joked, and I watched the back and forth debate flow between my friends with a smile on my face. The food arrived shortly into the horrid conversation. </p><p>“-the problem with having a corpse in the basement,” Max spoke over a mouthful of pasta while everyone listened intently to what he had to say. “is if you wake up in the middle of the night and you think you hear-” </p><p>George was laughing too hard to continue his dinner, covering his mouth as to not sputter tomato sauce all over the table in front of him. </p><p>“Why would—why would you put him in the basement?” He laughed, struggling to get the question out as Chad cackled from the other side of the table. Ian looked amused as he rolled his fork in his spaghetti and watched the exchange in mostly silence. </p><p>“It’s like an out of sight out of mind sort of thing. ‘Like oh, Chad’s requested this, he’s requested we stuff his corpse so we had to do it because he’s dead. When he was living it was his final wish.’ But I don’t wanna see it and I don’t wanna have guests over and have to explain this shit every time they come over so I stuff him in the basement. But my problem with the basement is-” Max spoke seriously, earning giggles from Chad and sputters of laughter from Joji.  </p><p>Niki looked mostly unconcerned by the subject they were on, as she ate her pasta and skimmed through her phone.  </p><p>“Big storm coming to Brooklyn this week.” She noted as she continued scrolling.  </p><p>After dinner was over and the plates were taken away, Ian pulled a gift from under the table. He handed the thin box covered in black paper over to Joji, who took it gratefully. </p><p>“Aw come on, you didn’t have to.” Joji grinned, inspecting the package while we all looked on. He tore the paper off the top, break open the box and stared dumbly down at the contents. </p><p>“What is it?” Chad asked, leaning over the table a little to try to get a better look. From the angle I was sitting at, it looked to be a white box. George lifted the gift and held it up for everyone to see.  </p><p>“This is my favorite album, thanks man.” Joji’s smile gleamed as he and Ian stood for a quick hug and everyone else pushed their gifts towards him. I felt kind of stupid about mine, considering what a great gift Ian gave him, but I added it the pile anyway.  </p><p>“It’s a new mic, ya know, since that shitty one you carry around all the time is all rusty.” Niki smiled, resting her chin on top of her folded hands. Max gifted George with beautiful bottle of whiskey from Australia. Chad’s gift came in the form of a coupon book for couples that had fake coupons for stuff like ‘anal sex’ and ‘blow job’. George laughed hysterically at the gift, thanking Chad and promising never to put any of the coupons to use.  </p><p>Finally, the last gift that sat in front of Joji was a small box, the smallest of all the gifts. I felt a little embarrassed, but watched as he pulled the ribbon and slid the top of the box off gently. My gift met his eyes and he blinked.  </p><p>“I would’ve gotten something fancier if I knew what the competition was.” I joked, rubbing my arm nervously. His fingers plucked the silver gadget out of its protective encasing and held it up to the dim light of the candles on the table. He flicked the top up, spinning the gear and pressing down on the pad, igniting the flame. </p><p>“You know, cause you kept pestering me about carrying a lighter at work. I got you your own.” I explained as George noticed the engraving. He cupped the flame, using its light to read his own name that was carved into the silver.  </p><p>“That’s funny.” Ian chuckled. Joji lifted his finger off the pedal, letting the flame go out.  </p><p>“It’s the best gift I’ve ever gotten.” He smiled sincerely at me, flipping the top back over the lighter and tucking it into his jacket pocket.  </p><p>“What the hell?” Max complained, earning a smack from Niki. I felt hot embarrassment creep into my cheeks and I looked away from my friends until I felt warmth surround me, encasing me. Joji was hugging me tight and my heart, that hasn’t been the same since meeting him honestly, exploded. He kissed my temple, whispering ‘thank you’ into my hair.  </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0045"><h2>45. Promises</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Joji hissed, his fingers threading through my hair and keeping a tight grip on me as my mouth took the length of him in and out. I looked up, struggling to keep my eyes open as water pellets attacked my vision. His naked body stood over me, leaned up against the slick shower wall for balance. From my view, I watched the droplets roll down his shoulders and chest, over the ridges of his stomach and down past me. He was breathing heavily, eyes opening every minute or so to catch a look at me before deciding it was too much and shutting them again. I love the way he struggles to keep from coming. I could torture him like this all day.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>Agh</span>
  <span> yes.” He moaned, guiding me to move fast, so I did. Two hands wrapped around his base, moving in time with my mouth. Twisting and tugging gently on his sensitive skin, using my saliva as lubrication. His legs shook a little and he widened his stance in response. I could tell he wasn’t very far. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I closed my eyes, cutting off the gorgeous sight of him so I could focus on my task: making George feel good. An addition to my birthday present to him that I couldn’t deliver in front of our friends. I switched between sucking, hallowing out my cheeks to provide a nice suction, and taking him as far in as I could. I took a deep breath, relaxing my throat and trying to take him down while holding my breath.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh fuck, Liv.” His cursing, especially combined with my name, made heat pool between my legs. I could be patient though, until our next love making session. This was for him. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I was able to taking him deep for a few strokes before the need to breath overwhelmed me and I was forced to pull back. I gasped, water pelting my face from the shower overhead. George noticed and shifted, moving to shield me from the stream of hot water. I wiped the water from my face and went back to work, taking his length in my hand and lifting it up so I could run my tongue flat over the large vein underneath. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh my God, baby.” He moaned as his arms caught the sides of the shower walls to brace himself again. I smiled. A few kisses and licks to his cock and I was back to taking him in my mouth. He whimpered and groaned as I worked him, cursing </span>
  <span>every once in a while </span>
  <span>and even throwing some Japanese in here and there. Despite not knowing what he said, it was incredibly sexy. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>When he was ready to cum, he pulled away and took himself in his hand. His body shifted away from me as he prepared to finish on the ground but I crawled in front of him, opening my mouth and holding my tongue out in invitation. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck.” Joji hissed, sliding his fist quickly over himself and causing his tip to bob against my waiting tongue. I looked up at him, taking in the sight of his pleasure twisted face and heaving chest. One, two, three more strokes and he came, spilling onto my tongue and face. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>We spent the rest of the shower with our hands on each other. He offered his services, but I declined. I was far more interested in shampooing his hair for him, and was elated when he allowed me. I massaged his scalp, trailing my fingers through the soapy black locks and rubbing in small circles. I formed a mohawk on top of his head that fell flat, refusing to sit up right but making me giggle anyway.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I need a haircut.” He commented as he held me against him. We were chest to chest, pressed firmly against each other. I discarded of the mohawk, opting for a nice coconut shaped dome with a center part instead. Pieces of his hair that weren't accustomed to being parted that way, shot up, sticking out and making him look crazy.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe. I like your long hair, though.” I replied, bringing my soap covered hands down to his cheeks and pushing them together to create a puckered pout with his lips. He grinned through it, the muscles of his mouth too strong for my hands and breaking the pout. He looked into my eyes. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You won't like it when I look like Asian Jesus.” He joked, stepping forward and delivering us to the hot stream of falling water so he could rinse his hair out. I squinted, trying to avoid water falling into my eyes.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t know that; Asian Jesus happens to be my favorite Jesus.” I quipped as I helped him rinse the shampoo out. He shook his head like a dog, scrubbing the back of his neck and cheeks until he was sure the soap was all out. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Dummy.” He laughed, pulling me out from under the water and watching me as I collected myself. I wiped my eyes and glared at him, sticking my tongue out. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I let him wash my body, an assignment he delighted in. He took his time, playing with me, and insisting that bringing me over the edge was indeed a gift for him as well. I cried out his name when I came and was attacked by his eager mouth almost immediately afterward.  </span>
  
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>We made love before bed on our last night and again in the morning when we woke up together, naked and tangled in each other’s embrace. He looked so beautiful in the morning; I think he deserved the angel nickname more than I do. I pushed his jet-black hair back from his pale forehead as he smiled lazily at me. My heart pounded when he looked at me that way. The adoration in his eyes nearly killed me. I didn’t deserve it, but at the same time I’m too selfish to do anything but absorb it. I tried to commit the look on his face to memory just in case I fucked up and never saw it again. Knowing me, it wasn’t too far off. I rubbed his jaw with my hands, feeling the hard bone that was covered in scratchy stubble. He swallowed, making his Adam's apple bob and drawing my eye towards it. I caressed the skin with the back of my fingers. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>My eyes refocused on his that were still watching me. It was quiet but peaceful. We didn’t need to speak. I think there was an unspoken sadness in the air about the fact we were headed back home today. Our little honeymoon period away from the city was coming to an end and soon we’d be forced back to the real world. This trip was many firsts for me and I’d remember it for as long as I lived. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>My fingers drew upwards, toward his thick black brows. I rubbed my thumb over one and focused on the out of place hairs that could stand to be plucked. He didn’t mind me messing with him, he simply closed his eyes and huffed in amusement.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I wrote something for you.” He said suddenly, halting my actions. I pulled my hand away, letting it settle on his bare chest over his cherry blossom tattoo.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah?”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It was silent again as I waited for him to continue, but he didn’t. He watched me with an unreadable expression on his face so I jabbed him in the chin.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>Gonna</span>
  <span> leave me hanging?” I teased, finally earning the hint of a smile as the corner of his mouth lifted. His hand settled on top of head, rustling my hair. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes.” He grinned as the smile grew and a mischievous look sparked in his eye. My smile, however, dropped as I frowned at him.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“W-”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m thinking about performing it for Sean and his investors. You’ll need to be there to hear it.” He said. I beamed.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>Of course</span>
  <span> I’ll be there.” I replied, feeling heat creep towards my cheeks as I imagined George performing a song written for me in front of me. He seemed pleased by my answer as he leaned down to kiss me. I accepted him eagerly, holding his jaw in my hand and sliding my fingers back into his hair. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Unfortunately, our time together came to an end when Joji’s phone rang and Ian told us we needed to get going if we wanted to catch our flight back home. I was sad, but I let Joji pull me out of bed with him and we got ready together. </span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0046"><h2>46. Digging Through the Scars</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Niki was bouncing in her seat over breakfast that morning. Joji and I sat at the small table together in Niki’s dining room, eating normally as we watched our friend buzz with excitement and anxiety.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Chill out, just eat.” He grumped at her, taking a spoonful of cereal into his mouth. Niki rolled her eyes, holding her stomach tight with one arm.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I can't, I’m afraid I’m </span>
  <span>gonna</span>
  <span> throw up again from the nerves!” She whined, pushing her bowl away from her. When we returned home from the Niagara trip, George had gotten a call back from Sean to let him know that his and Niki’s audition had been scheduled for the following day, leaving no time for rehearsals or practice as the investors were apparently flying in from the UK and had little time to waste.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>A shrill ringing caught her attention as it came from her bedroom and she gave us a nervous look before running to grab it. When she left, George sighed, dropping his spoon into the bowl with a clatter.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s freaking me out.” He complained, eyeing the hallway that she had just disappeared down. I rubbed my hand down his arm, hoping the gesture was soothing to him in any way. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t worry about it, you’ll both do great.” I assured, feeling confident in my words. He gave me a halfhearted smile in return, like he didn’t fully believe me but appreciated my attempt anyway. Niki came back into the room and began pacing in front of us, breathing rapidly like she was going into labor. George glared at her.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Nik, why don’t you try to relax?” I asked her, standing from my seat to grab her. I led her out of the room and into the living room instead, where I sat her on the couch. “Let’s talk about it, yeah? That’ll probably make you feel better.” I suggested. Niki nodded, huffing rapidly. I grabbed her by the shoulders.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“First, breathe.” I took a deep breath in, making direct eye contact with her as she copied me. I held the breath for a minute before exhaling and letting my shoulders fall into a relaxed position. Niki did the same, letting out a gush of air and visibly relaxing her shoulders. I let my arms fall from her petite frame. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright. Do you feel prepared?” I asked her just as Joji stepped out of the dining room and strode past us, catching my eye for a minute before he disappeared into the kitchen with all 3 of our bowls.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know! I think so... maybe?” She whimpered, clasping her hands together. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you going to sing?” I asked her, pulling my legs up on the couch with me. She bit her lip and looked past me, out the window. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Something I wrote a couple years ago.” She admitted, looking lost in thought now. A good start. At least she wasn’t freaking out anymore. I nodded.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you know what you’re wearing?” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Niki’s eyes caught me again and she smiled lightly. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, this super fucking cute two piece patterned outfit.” She answered excitedly. I smiled at her in return. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“So, then what’s the problem?” I countered, watching her face drop back into one of distress. She sighed, leaning her head against the couch and looking up at me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m scared I won't be good enough.” She whispered too low for anyone but me to hear. Joji stepped out of the kitchen out of the corner of my eye, but I paid him no mind for now. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“If they don’t sign you, Niki, then they are the ones missing out. I’ve heard you sing and you sound like an angel.” I looked her in the eyes the entire time to make sure she knew I wasn’t bullshitting her. I picked up her hands in mind and held them up in the air.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Look at you! Are you kidding me? You’re talented, hot, and smart. You’re the next Douglas Bubbletrousers!” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Really?” She perked up, a smile forming quickly on her lips. I set her hands back down on her lap and pulled her body towards mine for a hug.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Duh, idiot.” I teased, wrapping my arms around and smiling when she returned the hug. She laughed into my hair, squeezing me tight and rocking us side to side. I opened my eyes when we pulled back from the hug to spot George sitting in the armchair across the room, watching us the entire time with a look of utter confusion on his features.</span>
  
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The storm was here. Rain beat against the windows of the car, coming down in fat, heavy drops so fast and loud that it sounded like someone beating on the outside. Joji drove us to his apartment to pick up his laptop and some other equipment he needed before we left for to meet with Sean and the investors. Ian, Max, and Chad were meeting us there. From my understanding we were heading to a private club that one of the investors owned somewhere in the city that was closed during the day, much like ours. It was nearly time and both of my friends were on the edge. Joji stepped outside, being immediately pelted by the rain as he ran to his building. I could barely see him through the heavy rain that slammed into us and slid down the window. Niki was having another panic attack in the backseat as she tried to take deep breaths. I turned around in my seat to look at her. She looked stunning, that’s for sure. Her hair and makeup all done beautifully, and the outfit she chose really tied it all together. She had the look and she had the talent. All she needed now was the confidence she usually toted. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“It </span>
  <em>
    <span>had </span>
  </em>
  <span>to be today, right?” She rasped, looking out the window. Unfortunately, she was right. The storm had to come at the absolute worst time on the biggest day of her and George’s lives. Figures. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, it’ll be alright,” I tried to calm her again. “I’ve got towel, extra makeup and clothes. You’ve got nothing to worry about.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Niki nodded, breathing slowly and squeezing her eyes shut tight. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Do your vocal exercises.” I reminded her. She did as </span>
  <span>instructed</span>
  <span>, taking a deep breath and stretching her vocal cords with a series of raspberries and ‘ma-me-mi-mo-mu' singing exercises. When George returned, he eyed Niki warily and then looked at me. He was puffy coat was slick with water droplets that slid down, but his baseball hat wasn’t so lucky as the rim dripped water onto his body.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Did you bring a change of clothes?” I asked him as Niki continued humming in the backseat. He grinned, flashing that smile of his I love.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Nope.”</span>
  
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“George, Niki, this is Mr. Kjellberg and Ms. Bisognin.” Sean smiled, clasping his hand on Joji’s back as we met with the investors. Niki shook hands with the brunette woman as Chad, Ian, Max, and I stood back. I held a bag for Niki and Joji each. I spotted Brian sitting on a couch overlooking the stage area, sipping on a drink. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s great to meet you, George. We heard a lot.” Said the blonde man Joji had been shaking hands with. Joji visibly cringed before wiping it away in an instant and thanking the man for his time. The four of us moved to the back and out of sight, pulling some extra chairs off of the tabletops and setting them down on the floor. I set down Niki and Joji’s bags by my feet as I took a seat around the table beside Ian. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck, I’m nervous and this shit doesn’t even involve me.” Max huffed, tapping his fingers against the table. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Could go for a fuckin drink, that’s for sure.” Chad added, sitting back in his chair and sighing. I watched Niki and Joji speak to Sean and the investors for another minute before they broke apart and the Niki came rushing toward me.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s time! It’s time! I’m up first, what the fuck do I do?” She cursed in a hushed whisper directly in my face. Joji came up from behind her a lot </span>
  <span>calmer</span>
  <span>, but I could tell by the look on his face he was feeling the pressure of the situation as well. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Breathe! Focus on the music and nothing else. Stay loose, sing with your heart, all that shit. You got this!” I encouraged her. The investors and Sean took their seats on the couch in front of the stage beside Brain, who was grinning over at us and waving excitedly. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, fuck. Okay, fuck! I got this.” Niki gulped, walking away from me and taking the steps up to the stage in the corner of the room that burned red with neon lights. Niki was cast in its brilliant hue, making her skin look smooth and flawless. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>She grabbed the mic, holding it close to her lips. The music began, slow and steady guitar strumming echoing from the speakers at the base of the stage. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You’ll forever be, the boy in my polaroids</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You’ll forever be the reason why I am void</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Niki sang softly into the microphone, shutting her eyes and concentrating on the lyrics to her song. Joji sat beside me, pulling up a chair and watching Niki sing.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You’ll forever be, my first love</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And the reason why nobody else ever seems enough</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I’ll forever be scarred and weary</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ill forever know love as hard and scary</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And I'll forever be the girl you first kissed</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But I'll never be the one you miss</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Niki’s eyes opened as she took in her surroundings again. She was doing amazing, hitting every note perfectly and on key. She seemed to be growing more confident by the second as she began her chorus.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You hurt me</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You hurt me</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>When I loved you </span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>So selflessly</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Well I wish you well</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But on nights like this, I wish I never fell</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I wish I never fell</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Niki cooed into the microphone, swaying lightly as she shut her eyes again. Below her, Brian was sitting up in his seat and staring in amazement at the girl on stage. I grinned. Niki continued her song, singing beautifully and completely entrancing all of us. Well, most of us. Beside me, Joji reached for his bag that sat by my feet and pulled out his laptop. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Niki ended her song gorgeously, earning an applause from me, the investors, our friends, and especially Brian who clapped the loudest. Niki grinned as she stood the microphone stand upright and bowed graciously before stepping off the stage. Beside me, Joji took a shaky breath and stood with his laptop in his hands. I noted the tight line of his lips and quick shift of his eyes as he watched Niki walk from the stage, toward Sean. They spoke to her, taking her hand and making her smile with what I’d assume was praise for her performance. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ll do great.” I stood as well, rubbing my hand up and down his back, though I’m sure he couldn’t feel it underneath his puffy jacket. He pulled his attention away from the group in front of us and looked at me. His eyebrows pulled together with worry.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I hope you like it.” Was all he said before he stepped away from me and made his way to the crimson stage. Niki took his place, meeting me at the table with the rest of our friends and wrapping her arms around me in a tight hug. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you think?! Was I pitchy?” She pulled back, wrapping her hands around my arms and forcing me to look into her eyes. I laughed lightly, pulling her down into the seats beneath us.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Perfect. I told you you had nothing to worry about.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span> George set his laptop down at the sound system table off to the side, speaking quietly to the technician who was in charge of providing the music for him and Niki. We waited patiently before Joji finally stepped onto the platform and cleared his throat. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The ruby lighting illuminated his body, surrounding him like a glowing aura. His cap, the same one he wore the day I met him, cast a shadow on his face, hiding his forehead and eyes from my sight. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The music began, a thumping beat with can tapping sounds before guitar took over and George closed his eyes and began crooning into the mic so easily you wouldn’t think he was ever nervous at all. I was instantly memorized by the sight. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Here I am</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Torn into a thousand shapes and folds</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Torn into a thousand ways, I know</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Fornicate inside your broken homes</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Before I throw a smile your way, no more</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He harmonized, holding the mic in one hand and the stand in his other. I could only stare in awe as he sang, sounding just as beautiful as he looked.</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I can’t tell</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>If all my answers correlate at all</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I’m telling you a thousand things, I know</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> <br/><em><span>I’ve been missing a long time</span></em></p><p>
  <em>
    <span>To know I had to move</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I’ve been waiting my whole life</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>To know I wanted you</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>His eyes opened and stared directly into mine, making my heart skip a beat. </span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Are you feeling me slowly?</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You can take your fucking time</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He grinned from behind the microphone, keeping me in his gaze as he sang the words. I felt like that line was a direct reference to me and my indecision about my feelings for him. He was poking fun at me and nothing could stop the smile that conquered my face when I realized.</span>
  <em>
    <span> I’ll let him have that one</span>
  </em>
  <span>. His closed again as he concentrated. His shoes tapped against the ground with the beat, keeping him on track.</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And I promise I won't lie</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>We’ll make it out alive</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The double doors to the room opened, catching my attention.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>My heart dropped, sitting heavy in my stomach as panic quickly set in and I felt like I might vomit. Or cry.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Gavin stood at the threshold for merely a moment, taking in the room before his sights landed on Joji, who’d stopped singing at that point and was staring back at him. The music kept playing in the background as it happened. I blinked and Gavin was on the stage, coming straight for George. I registered screams and gasps, but not much else. My brain couldn’t move fast enough to process it all. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What the fuck?!” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh my God.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, stop!” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Cries from everyone in the room, including the investors, rung in my ears. I saw Gavin’s fist fly at Joji, taking them both to the ground at the same time everyone else stood up. From my spot all I could see was a pile of two people on the ground, one on top of the other and pulling his arm back again. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Call the police!” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“George!”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The last few seconds had moved in slow motion for me as I struggled to keep up with what was happening. I stood from my seat, barely registering my friends moving quickly around me, scrambling in different directions. Niki grabbed me, pulling me towards the door as our friends rushed toward the stage. Sean was there, pulling Gavin off of Joji. Gavin’s face was covered in deep crimson blood that gushed from his mouth. The lights surrounding the scene already casting everything in a bloody hue. Gavin was being pulled backwards by Sean, still swinging and screaming. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I pushed Niki’s hands from my arm easily as she had also been watching the chaos. I ran to Joji, pushing past the investors and Brian who were looking on, horrified. From there I had a view of Chad and Ian grabbing Joji, holding his arms back and struggling to pull him back. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Motherfucker, I promised I’d kill you! I will fucking kill you!” Gavin screeched as blood poured from his open mouth and onto the floor beneath him, forming a puddle. He kicked, scraping the blood around. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Come here you pathetic piece of shit, I’ll put you out of your fucking misery!” Joji screamed back, pulling one arm free from Ian’s hold and using it to try to leverage himself against the floor to break free from Chad. Joji had blood on his face as well, albeit not as much as Gavin. His lip looked busted open and a noticeable gash leaked blood above his eye. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Jesus fucking Christ dude, stop!” Ian yelled, flailing to grab onto Joji’s arm again. Chad looked incredibly stressed as he tried pulling Joji away. Gavin kicked again, barely making contact with Joji’s shoe but that was enough to set them both off. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Joji broke free from Chad when Chad slipped and fell back. George punched Gavin in the face, right in his eye. Sean backed up, looking absolutely bewildered by the scene unfolding in front of him. Joji saw his opportunity and took it, hitting Gavin so hard again that the blow knocked the bigger of the two men to the ground. I watched in horror as George continued repeatedly beating on Gavin until blood coated his knuckles when he pulled back for another strike.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Stop!” I screamed, climbing up the stage and tripping over the stairs. Ian was yelling at Joji to stop as well and pulling on his friend as hard as he could. Chad was stumbling back to his feet and Sean was trying to catch Joji’s pulled back fist. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Fucking stop George! You’ll kill him!” I finally made it to Joji’s side where Gavin lay beneath him, his arms weakly shielding his already beaten face. I forced myself in the space between them, hovering over Gavin and shielding him from Joji’s vision. His eyes met mine, wild and full of fire. Without much thought, my attention turned back to the man beneath me as thick crimson blood continued pouring from his mouth. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Someone call an ambulance!” Someone behind me yelled. Sean quickly appeared in my peripheral as he knelt down to sit Gavin up.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re </span>
  <span>gonna</span>
  <span> defend him?” An enraged George shouted to my right. I looked up at him being held back by two of his friends and the sound system guy. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you crazy? You could have killed him!” I snapped back in a way I’d never imaged myself speaking to him. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“He tried to fucking kill </span>
  <em>
    <span>me</span>
  </em>
  <span>!” He growled back in anger. Sean held Gavin as he sat up and wiped the blood from his mouth with the back of his hand. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I fucking knew it!” Gavin growled, kicking his feet against the shiny stage floor as he found his footing and stood unsteadily. He shook Sean off as he stood at his full height. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ve been fucking him behind my back. I knew it, I always knew it. I asked you and you</span>
  <em>
    <span> lied!</span>
  </em>
  <span>” He was glaring directly at me, taking a step forward and towering over me. Sean was yelling for someone to call the police and trying desperately to push Gavin away from me.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>You </span>
  </em>
  <span>cheated on her, you piece of shit!” Joji snarled, straining against the three men holding him back. “Get the fuck away from her!” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Gavin laughed, stepping closer until I backed away, right into George.  </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you </span>
  <span>gonna</span>
  <span> do? Dirty chink.” Gavin snarled over my shoulder, right in Joji’s face. I snapped. My fist connected with Gavin’s nose and blood poured all over the floor like a horror movie. A crunch and a cry came from Gavin as he held his face. Ruby red blood poured from between his fingers and spilt onto the ground, forming a dark puddle below his feet. Pain seared in my knuckles as I gripped my hand against my body. I shook my hand out, noticing small dibbles of blood crawling down my fingers. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I think I fucked up that punch... I’m not exactly well practiced.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck!” Gavin screeched, bowing over as the blood continued pouring from him. He looked up at me from beneath his furrowed brows. The look of utter hatred that crossed his face normally would’ve scared me. I’d seen it before, at night after he’d been out drinking. When I woke to see him standing over me, his hand wrapped around my throat as he took all his anger out on me. Reenacting the way his mother died with me in her place and him playing the role of his father. “Bitch!”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The sound of sirens rang through the air, growing louder as the police grew nearer. I worried about retaliation from Gavin until Chad and Sean restrained him together, forcing his arms behind his back and pushing him onto his knees. A considerable amount of blood came from his nose alone, slickening the floor with it. Gavin keened over the pool, groaning in pain and cursing at every soul in the room.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Commotion erupted all around me. Police invaded the room and everything went by in a blur. I registered the sight of Gavin and Joji in handcuffs; Niki crying in Brian’s arms. Sean talking down the investors in a heated conversation, and Ian, Chad, and Max, fighting for Joji with the officer who was pushing him toward the door. </span>
  
  
</p><p>
  <span>Joji didn’t hear back from Sean after that day.</span>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0047"><h2>47. Feel My Rage</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Joji suffered four joint dislocations in his fist, a gash in his bottom lip, several cuts and bruises covering his face, neck, chest, and stomach. He needed 27 stitches total. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I sat by his bedside as the doctor injected local anesthetic and carefully sewed dissolvable stitches into his lip. I cringed at the sight of the doctor pulling tight on the string and yanking Joji’s lip with it. I watched quietly, my gaze shifting from the doctor’s work to George’s face. He had bandaged knuckles and deepening purple bags beneath one eye. His lip was the worst of it, but he hadn't complained. In fact, he hadn't said more than two words to anyone since we arrived at the hospital. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I couldn’t bring myself to say anything first. What could I say? What happened wasn’t necessarily my fault but I couldn’t help but blame myself regardless. None of it would've happened had I not brought Gavin around in the first place.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>When the doctor left and the nurses settled George down in bed with pain killers, an uncomfortable tension fell between us. The door closed and the low volume of the box television mounted on the wall was the only sound in the room. I stared at it, unhearing, as I tried to think of something to say to him. Two women strode around a rotating display of shiny jewelry. Big red numbers flashed at the bottom of the screen, along with the price and an obnoxious ‘CALL NOW!’ banner. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Slowly my head tilted to the side, taking in the sight of George as subtly as I could. His eyes were closed as his chest rose and fell with his even breaths. I couldn’t imagine how worn out he must be. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Joji.” I whispered, testing for a response. A single eye cracked open, gazing back at me as he awaited my next words. I grabbed my injured hand, feeling the gauze that was wrapped around my knuckles that I’d cut punching Gavin. The injuries were miniscule compared to Joji’s. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m so s--” I began before he cut me off by holding up his hand. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t,” His voice was rough and gravely, similar to his morning voice... or his Frank one. “It wasn’t your fault.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>My throat tightened. It was exactly what I expected him to say and I hated it. His record deal was gone. His chances with Sean and the investors were gone. Because of me. I refused to accept anything other than the fact that his life would be better off without me. It’s the only thought I had on the drive here and the only thought I had now. I just wondered when he would see it too.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you want some water?” I asked, standing from my seat and moving over to the rolling table by the foot of his bed where the nurse had left a jug of ice water and cups for George. I poured a cup of water and brought it to him, where he took it and sat up with a grunt. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks.” He mumbled as he rose the cup to his lips and took heavy gulps until it was all gone. I took the empty cup, placing it back down on the table and walking back around to my seat. We sat in mostly silence except for the tv chatter. We would eventually need to talk about what happened and my role in it. What I was going to do about Gavin now to ensure he stays out of mine and my friends’ lives. Where he and Niki go from here as far as their careers. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>God, Niki.</span>
  </em>
  
  
</p><p>
  <span>I haven't spoken to her since the audition. She must be devasted. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Joji’s soft snores filled the room and I looked over at him. He didn’t have that peaceful look he normally sported while sleeping; instead his brows were furrowed and a slight frown covered his face. I copied his look, saddened at the events of the day that caused him to look anguished even in his sleep. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I stood from my seat and left the room, closing the door softly behind me. Hoping to speak to Niki before she went to bed for the night, I pulled my phone from my pocket and put in my password. My finger slid over the screen as I scrolled through my contacts.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Excuse me, Ms. Copeland, right?”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I looked up at the nurse who was attending to Joji earlier. He smiled at me, holding a clipboard and clicking on the top of his pen.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” I confirmed and waited for him to continue. He shifted to the </span>
  <span>nurse's</span>
  <span> station in front of me, placing his clipboard down on the desk.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry to bother. Mr. </span>
  <span>Jowes</span>
  <span> in room 212 has been asking for you.” He pointed down the hall at the rooms that led down the 200s. I sighed heavily.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“No thanks.” I grimaced, looking back down at my phone again as I continued on my walk to the waiting room where I could sit and have some coffee at least while I spoke to Niki. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I tapped lightly on her contact and held the phone to my ear as I strolled down the hall. The phone rang and rang and rang but no answer. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Olivia!” The sound of his voice made the hairs stand up on the back of my neck and I grit my teeth together. I turned my head to the source where I stood in front of room 212 and spotted Gavin sitting up in his hospital bed, staring straight at me. I could see his wrists and feet were bound to the bed as he pulled </span>
  <span>against</span>
  <span> the desperately. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I cursed quietly, looking back at my phone as the call to Niki went to voicemail and I hung up. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Olivia please,” he cried from inside his room. “Just let me apologize!” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>That took me by surprise. I looked in his direction again where he was watching me, leaning forward. My lips pressed in a tight line and against my better judgement, I made the decision to pocket my phone and step inside his room.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The room was a clone of George’s. The crappy little box tv mounted on the wall across from the bed, the large window overlooking the dark city below, and the rolling table at the foot of the bed. The only difference was the men in the rooms and the fact that Gavin was bound to his bed by restraints. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>My eyes raked over his face, taking in the sight of his bloodshot eye, missing teeth, and purple nose that was covered by a splint. His face and neck, much like Joji’s was covered in cuts and bruises. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Honey, I--”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not your honey,” I corrected him harshly, watching him frown. “Get it over with.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The frown never left his face, even as he took a deep sigh and looked at his bandaged hands.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You broke my nose.” He said casually, as if we were simply talking about what we had for lunch today. I crossed my arms across my chest and scoffed.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“And? You attacked my boyfriend, you fucking psycho!” I shouted too loudly, already at the end of my patience limit for him. Pain shot across his face, evident in his expression and his eyes. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You... you left me...” He mumbled, his eyes searching my face. My eyes narrowed.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“For good reason.” I spat, glaring at him. Behind me, the nurse entered the room and looked between Gavin and I.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh sorry, I’ll come back.” He hurried back out of the room and I wondered how much of our conversation he’d heard. I shifted my weight, looking down at my shoes briefly before returning to his eyes.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“If that’s all...” I grumbled, pulling my arms tighter around my stomach. It came to my attention in that moment that I hadn't held myself like that in a while, not since becoming close to my friends. The action always made me feel like I was keeping the two halves of myself together, but I hadn't felt the need to do it in so long.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“No! Wait, please. It’s not all.” Gavin said, reaching out before his restraint pulled tight. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“So... the note. You said you’d always love me.” He frowned, lips quivering. I waited for his point, keeping my composure despite my deep desire to laugh out loud in his face. “I don’t understand. If you love me, why did you do this?”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>At one point in time, I used to have unlimited patience for this man, but as the last of his words tumbled from his mouth, I felt nothing but immediate anger. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Why did I do what, leave you? You really can't figure it out on your own?” My temper exploded and I was once again yelling. He just sat there, staring at me with a dumb look on his face. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You betrayed me in every way. Not only did you fuck someone in our apartment, which is reason enough on its own! But you have consistently treating me like shit for </span>
  <em>
    <span>years</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” I growled at him, struggling to keep my voice down and not disturb the other patients next door. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, well you were cheating too!” He shouted back, dodging blame like usual and redirecting it. I clenched my fists against my body.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t sleep with him. I fell in love but it wasn’t on purpose and I do feel bad about it, so does he.” I sighed deeply, feeling embarrassment redden my face. I wasn’t sure how much to give him right now. I’d fallen in love and kissed someone else while in a relationship and that was wrong, there’s no denying it. Gavin’s actions didn’t justify my own; we both betrayed each other.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Anyway, you wanted to know, there you go. I thought you were going to apologize.” I hissed. He looked taken back before his wide-eyed stare narrowed.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>I</span>
  </em>
  <span> deserve an apology. You cheated on me and broke my nose and your boyfriend broke my fucking rib!” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you fucking kidding me?!” I screamed, unraveling my arms as I approached his bed. I wanted to hit him again, so fucking bad. “Remember that time you crushed my windpipe from choking me so hard and I passed out? How about the time you slammed my hand in the car door when you were drunk and angry? Or when you threw me down the stairs and I got a concussion? Remember when you stripped my top off and tossed me outside the apartment? No? Well I do.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t do half that shit, you’re a liar!” Gavin screamed back, his face getting closer to mine. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You did all of it, you drunk piece of shit! Just because you don’t remember doesn’t mean it didn’t happen! I have the fucking memories!” I screamed at the top of my lungs, tears prickling the corners of </span>
  <span>my eyes</span>
  <span> before I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned my head, catching sight of the nurse and a large security guard standing behind me.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I think you should leave now, Ms. Copeland.” The nurse said with a grave look of worry on his face. I clenched my teeth together, letting the anger subside before I returned to Gavin. He glowered at me in return. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Goddamnit, I fell for his games again. I should have known there would be no apology. </span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You need help, like real, actual mental help. I’m filing a restraining order; I can't take this shit anymore.” I turned my back to him, going with the security guard as Gavin and the nurse watched me walk away.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey!” Gavin called after me but I didn’t turn around. “It’s only a matter of time, you hear me? You’re nothing but fucking trouble and when he dumps your ass you’ll regret ever leaving--!”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The door slammed behind me as I was led out of the room and down the hall to the elevators. I wasn’t allowed to stay even with George, so I took a ride back to the apartments. I didn’t sleep that night as nightmares plagued me.</span>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0048"><h2>48. Growth is Betrayal</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Pfft, oh <em> please </em>! Kissing isn't cheating.” Niki rolled her eyes before lifting the rim of her mug to her face and taking a sip of the piping hot coffee inside. My fingers gripped the handle of my own mug, my bandaged knuckles brushing against the ceramic.  </p><p>“It’s not being faithful.” I countered, my eyes sliding up to her brown ones. She put her cup down. </p><p>“Yeah well neither is fucking some rando on the couch.” She shrugged. “Don’t stress yourself over what that flaming pile of shit has to say anyway.” She waved her hand, dismissing the subject over conversation. I couldn't really blame her; we’d been talking about him for almost 45 minutes now as I expressed my regrets and guilt to her.  </p><p>“Yeah but if it wasn’t for me--” </p><p>“His actions are not <em> your </em> responsibility.” She glared deeply at me, her focus unwavering as she looked me straight in the eye. She’d uttered the same words to me earlier in our conversation and now ground them out for me again. The frown that had been etched on my face the entire conversation, remained.  </p><p>“Please just let me say how sor--” She cut me off again, waving her hands in front of my face until I stopped. She shook her head back and forth. </p><p>“No. I won't accept any form of apology from you because you have nothing to apologize for. Shit happens. It won't be my last audition so don’t stress!” She flashed me a smile and tucked her brunette hair behind one ear before picking up her mug again and taking a sip.  </p><p>My coffee remained untouched despite the fact I hadn't slept more than a couple hours last night. Guilt weighed so heavily in my gut and I couldn’t shake it. George and Niki didn’t blame me but I couldn’t let it go.  </p><p>Max had texted me an hour or so ago to let me know that he and Ian picked up Joji from the hospital and that he was sleeping safely at home. Understandably, Joji wouldn’t be working with the rest of us tonight.  </p><p>Niki and I went to the boys’ place with a few hours left before work. I still had yet to speak to the guys and apologize, but based on Niki and Joji’s reactions, I doubt they’d allow me to anyway.  </p><p>I used my key, letting myself and Niki into the apartment where the strong, distinguishable odor of marijuana wafted to my nose. In the living room, Ian, Max, and Chad were getting baked, passing around a pipe and lighter and coughing out smoke. Niki waved the smoke away from her face as she moved around the couch to take a seat. </p><p>“I see you nerds have been busy.” She commented, taking a seat beside Ian and pulling out her phone. Chad was hacking up a lung, holding his closed fist over his mouth and doubled over. Ian let his finger off of a hole in the pipe and handed it to Max beside him, looking at me and Niki.  </p><p>“Can you blame us?” He asked when he finally let out his breath and smoke billowed from his mouth and nose like a dragon. Max lifted his head to look behind him at me. His eyes red rimmed and lazy. </p><p>“Oy, how’s it goin?” He greeted me, lifting the small green pipe up in offering. I shook my head no and looked down the hall at George’s closed door. </p><p>“Hey guys.” I gave a sad smile in return, not completely willing to put up the façade of making the smile look more genuine. “He sleeping?”  </p><p>Max shook his head, setting the pipe down on the cluttered coffee table in front of him and picking up a bottle of soda. </p><p>“Nah, he should be awake. I just talked to him 20 minutes ago.” Max said before taking a large swig of his drink and turning away from me. I made my way to his room, knocking lightly on the wood and leaning closer to the door to listen for a response. </p><p>“Come in.” His quiet voice called from the other side. I opened the door, my heart clenching at the sight of Joji lying in bed covered in bruises. A gash that had been stitched above his right eye was covered in a bandage. His lip was very swollen and purple, the stitches kept the bulging skin together. The thin skin under his eye was bruised, leaving a reddish-purple ring where his puffy pale bags used to be.  </p><p>“Hey.” He smiled lightly, the corners of his mouth pulling up before he winced and the smile fell. <em> Fuck. </em> </p><p>“Hi.” I responded, shutting the door behind me and coming up to his bedside. He lifted the covers, looking up at me expectantly and smiling weakly again. Pain radiated in my chest. God, he doesn’t deserve this, he’s pure light. </p><p>I kicked my shoes off before crawling under the covers with him and burying my face into his side. My arm wrapped around his middle, holding him to me as he smoothed the covers over us. I inhaled deeply, taking in the familiar scent of his cigarettes and deodorant and allowing it to soothe me. My anxiety that had a tight grasp on my lungs, loosened just enough for me to relax. His arm came around me, wrapping around my shoulders and holding me against him. </p><p>“I missed you.” I mumbled into his body. I tangled a leg around one of his, wrapping myself around him. His body shook lightly and I looked up at his face.  </p><p>“I never left.” He looked amused. His hands ran gently through my hair.<em>  I know, but I still missed you.  </em>I didn’t reply, instead opting to close my eyes and focus on his scent, his warmth, and his hand in my hair.  </p><p>“I’m surprised you’re not out there numbing the pain with the guys.” I said, rubbing my face into his shirt.  </p><p>“Yeah, I was thinking about it.” His fingers ran gently over my scalp, combing through my hair. I hummed in acknowledgment of his words and sighed. I registered someone speaking in Japanese behind me and I didn’t even have to look to know what it was. </p><p>“You watch too much anime.” I commented, earning another shake from his chest when he laughed quietly.  </p><p>“There's no such thing as too much anime.” He quipped. I grinned against his body, my hand clutching at his t-shirt. “Wanna watch with me?”  </p><p>I looked over my shoulder at his television where a green haired boy zipped around on screen and screamed in Japanese. I turned back to George who was watching me and waiting for a reply. </p><p>“Maybe next time.” I’ve watched more anime since becoming involved with Joji than any normal person should ever have to... but if I’m being honest, I didn't really mind. Any time spent sharing his interests was fine by me.  </p><p>As I thought about his interests, I thought about his music, and whatever smile that had been on my face quickly dissolved. I settled back down into his arms, pressing my face flush against his chest and sighing.  </p><p>I didn’t want to bring it up again, it wasn’t fair to him to have to continuously reassure me so I kept my thoughts to myself but he sensed it. His hand moved from my hair to my back, sliding slowly up and down.  </p><p>“You doing alright?” He asked. My face shot up from his chest immediately as I narrowed my eyes at him. </p><p>“Am <em> I  </em> alright? What about you, are  <em> you </em> alright?” I scoffed, shaking my head. He rolled his eyes at me. </p><p>“I heard you were escorted out of the hospital last night.” He smirked, watching for my reaction. My face flushed with embarrassment as I remembered the screaming match with Gavin last night.  </p><p>“Uh... yeah.” I admitted, looking away from him and over at his wall of photos. I felt him shift, pushing himself up to sit against the headboard of his bed.  </p><p>“What happened?”  </p><p>Hesitantly, my gaze returned to him, scanning over the budding bruises on his neck. I felt a spark of anger erupt deep inside me as I stared at his wounds. </p><p>“I’m sure you know.” I replied, looking over his face at every lesion. He snorted a laugh. </p><p>“Yeah but I just wanted to hear you say it.” He was teasing me. I looked into his eyes, watching the amusement sparkle in them. <em> How could he be finding any of this funny?   </em> </p><p>“It starts with a G and ends with an N.” I murmured.  </p><p>“Goblin?” </p><p>I stared at him for a solid five seconds before I laughed out loud. He tried to smile again, pulling at the corners of his mouth in a weak smile before it grew too painful for him. I dropped my head to his pillow and closed my eyes.  </p><p>“Yes, goblin.” I agreed. He chuckled and waited for me to continue. </p><p>“He uh... he said he wanted to apologize and I made the mistake of believing him. That’s all.” My fingers splayed out over the sheets, toying with the cotton fabric.  </p><p>“You seem down. I’m just wondering if it has anything to do with him.” George hummed. I sat up with a sigh and leaned against the headboard beside him.  </p><p>“I don’t think it’s something you really wanna hear about right now.” I looked into his eyes, feeling the humor in the air quickly dissipate. His lips pursed together.  </p><p>“Why do you think that, love?” </p><p>My heart skipped a beat at his sweet nickname for me.   </p><p>“Cause you already told me it wasn’t my fault but... I can't shake the guilt. I mean, Christ, look at your face!” I gestured to him and clutched my arms around my body. His eyes softened and pulled my arms from my body, sliding his hand down until he met mine.  </p><p>“My face was a small price to pay for the opportunity to beat the shit out of him.” He smirked.  </p><p>“George please, I’m serious.” I frowned, squeezing his hand.  </p><p>“I don’t know what I can say, Liv.” His face dropped as well. “I’m sorry you’re feeling this way but you have nothing to feel bad about. It was him, not you.” </p><p>“He wouldn’t even be a problem if I had grown some balls and broken it off face to face.” I said seriously, looking him in the eyes and watching the tiny grin sneak onto his face. </p><p>“I don’t know if I’d like you all that much if you grew balls, Livvy.”  </p><p>“George.” I glared at him to which he held up his hands in surrender. “I just wish I would’ve met you first.” I admitted sadly, toying with my fingers. His fingers hooked under my chin, turning me to face him. </p><p>“As pretty as that idea is, its wholly unrealistic.” He said sternly, his thumb rubbing across my bottom lip. “If you hadn’t met him first, I never would’ve met you and I wouldn’t trade you for anything.” </p><p>His words made my blood pressure rise and I smiled shyly at him.  </p><p>“I would kiss you but it would kinda hurt.” He pointed at his stitched and swollen bottom lip. I leaned towards him, kissing him on his cheek and nuzzling into his neck. </p><p>He had a point, I suppose. Gavin brought me here from California. I doubt I would’ve ended up here on my own, but still, I couldn’t help but regret my decisions. Every decision… except Joji, that is.  </p><p>I stayed with him, eating dinner together after Max ordered in for everyone and we parted ways when it came time to leave for work. I kissed Joji goodbye on the cheek and promised to come see him tomorrow. I left for work with the others with a pit in my stomach. No one I talked to about how I was feeling knew what to say to me. I didn’t know what I even wanted them to say. All I knew was I felt guilty and I needed to find a way to make it up to them. Not just George and Niki but Ian, Max, and Chad too since I’d brought nothing but drama to their lives since I met them. </p><p>I was distracted at work and felt completely drained having to return and pretend like everything was normal. No one else seemed bothered but me.  </p><p>When I gave someone the wrong order and spilt my tray for the second time, Ian stopped me.  </p><p>“Hey, hey, hey, put that down for a minute.” He called to me as I was picking chunks of glass up from off the floor and placing them on my serving tray. I stood, resting it on the bar top and looked at Ian. His lips were drawn in a tight line as he looked at me with uncertainty.  </p><p>“What’s going on?” He asked, leaning both hands against the bar.  </p><p>“Nothing.” I mumbled, shifting my eyes away from his and down to the floor beside me where a puddle of alcohol was glistening on the tile. I hauled myself over the countertop, stealing a rag from behind the bar and dropping down to the floor to continue cleaning up the mess I made. </p><p>“Somethings obviously up, I’ve never seen you so distracted.” He called to me, leaning over the counter and watching me. I scooted the chunks of glass aside and mopped up as much of the liquid as I could before someone slipped and broke their neck on it.  </p><p>“Is it about…?” He drew out, knowing damn well what it was. I’d apologized to the boys already, and as expected, none of them put the blame on me. I had only told George and Niki how I felt but I didn’t expect anything different from anyone else so I left it at that.  </p><p>A tiny, irrational part of me was starting to become paranoid. The thought crossed my mind that all actually <em> did </em> blame me and were upset with me and my bullshit. I wouldn’t blame them. If Joji and Niki hated me secretly, I would understand.  </p><p>Maybe Ian hates me too. I complain to him enough. Maybe he thinks his best friend can do better. </p><p>He wouldn’t be wrong. </p><p>Joji could do way better than me. I don’t deserve someone as beautiful and kind and talented and intelligent as him. Maybe he has started to realize it too… </p><p>“Olivia?” </p><p>Ian’s voice ripped me from my intrusive thoughts and I looked back up at him as he looked down at me from the bar. His brows were pulled together as he stared at me with a mixture of concern and contemplation. </p><p>“Sorry.” I replied too quietly I wasn’t sure he would hear. The music wasn’t too loud tonight as there was no George to piss Ian off by blasting it. Instead we temporarily replaced him with an R&amp;B playlist at a reasonable volume. </p><p>“Do you want to talk about it?” He asked gently. I stood, bringing the soaked rag and glass bits with me before dropping them on my tray. </p><p>“It’s alright. I’m fine.” I tried to assure him. If he really does hate me, he wouldn’t want to hear my shit again and would only ask out of courtesy.  </p><p>“You’re not. Sit.” He ordered, pointing at the stool in front of him.  </p><p>“I have to get those drinks to--" I began objecting before he held his hand up to me to stop.  </p><p>“I’ll have to make them again anyway, so sit.”  </p><p>I sighed, pulling the stool put and sitting like he told me to. I watched him start pulling out glasses and bottles again as he remade the order.  </p><p>“Is your weird little mood because of what happened the other day?” He asked as he threw some mint leaves and lime wedged into a glass and began crushing it. </p><p>“I don’t have a weird little mood.” My words made him look up with an eyebrow raised. “Okay fine! I wouldn’t call it that but yeah it is.”  </p><p>Ian dropped a couple sugar cubes into the glass and smashed them down into the glass again.  </p><p>“No one ordered a mojito.” I frowned, looking behind me in case there was a customer waiting that I didn’t see.  </p><p>“Its for you.” He said as he scooped some ice into the glass and poured a couple shots of clear rum over it. </p><p>“I—no thanks, I really don’t want--" </p><p>“Just drink it, its good.” He rolled his eye at me before pulling the soda sprayer out from beneath the bar and filling the glass up to the top with carbonated liquid. When he was done he pushed the glass over to me and began working on his next drink. I sighed. </p><p>“Thanks.” I took the tiny red straw between my lips and sipped in the drink. Drinking alcohol still felt strange to me, like a dirty habit I wasn’t supposed to be indulging in but it was pretty good, he was right. It was refreshing and minty. </p><p>“Alright, go on now. Tell me what’s bothering you.” He instructed, pushing his glasses up his nose with one finger and began scooping ice into a shaker. I pulled one last swig in before I began. </p><p>“I just… I feel overwhelming guilt inside of me. Not just about the audition but for everything. Ever since I met you guys, and even before that, I’ve caused so many problems. Gavin is just… well, you know. If I had just told him straight up then none of this would’ve happened.” </p><p>Ian nodded his head as he poured liquor into a measurer and into the shaker.  </p><p>“Right but if you would’ve done that he probably would’ve killed you.” Ian said, clasping the top onto the shaker.  </p><p>“I mean… probably not <em> killed </em> but…” I stopped there as I thought about what might’ve happened had I broken things off with Gavin face to face. I might have died, actually, yeah.  </p><p>But if I brought George! </p><p>… </p><p>Well I suppose it would be like the audition except no one to back us up. Perhaps even worse… </p><p>“Ugh.” I dropped my head to the counter with a solid thunk.  </p><p>“Listen, you did what you had to. There’s no point in saying ‘should’ve, could’ve, would’ve’ because you can’t go back and change it. All you gotta do now is move forward.” Ian shook the mixture in his hands, making the ice inside rattle loudly.  </p><p>“I know that but it doesn’t change how I feel. I look at Joji and Nik and I can see through their fake smiles. They’re upset and it's my fault.”  </p><p>“Maybe you should talk to someone about that then because no one is blaming you. You’re holding on to guilt that isn’t yours and its weird.” He frowned at me. He removed the top and replaced it with a strainer lid, pouring only the cool liquid into a glass.  </p><p>“I’m talking to you.” I mumbled with my face still pressed against the bar top. Ian rolled his eyes. </p><p>“No, like a professional, idiot.”  </p><p>“I <em> am </em> talking to a professional idiot,” I quipped, watching his expression change right before me from annoyance to confusion and back to annoyance. “Besides, I’ve had bad experiences with shrinks.” I lifted my face from the bar and took another sip of my drink.  </p><p>“I don’t know a lot about your life before us but from what I’ve seen, you could really use it. You need to work past the guilt and whatever else that relationship instilled in you.” He began working on the next drink as I thought over his words.  </p><p>“I don't know.” I said slowly. </p><p>“Think about it. If not there's other options but I see therapy working out for you.” Ian finished pouring the second drink into a chilled glass and leaned over the bar. I shook my head. </p><p>“Therapy is for definitely not for me. I’ve tried it and it was extremely uncomfortable. All it did was bring up bad memories and I felt like I was being judged the entire time.” I explained, looking down at the counter. </p><p>“You had a bad shrink then, it happens. Don’t give up on it though.” He encouraged, resting his body on his folded arms and watching me.  </p><p>“I don’t need another person to remind me what I did was wrong, I do that enough to myself.”  </p><p>He was quiet for a little bit and I refused to meet his eyes. Instead I worked on my drink, sucking it down until there was nothing left but bits of mint leaf and lime pulp.  </p><p>"Growth is betrayal. There is no getting somewhere without leaving somewhere." Ian said suddenly, drawing my attention back up to his face. </p><p>“What?” </p><p>“Or something like that, I don’t remember the full quote. Either way, it applies here and you should remember it.” He tapped my forehead once before moving away as a customer approached the bar. I pulled my phone from my back pocket and typed the words into Google while they were still fresh in my mind. </p><p><em> Growth is betrayal. There is no other route. There is no arriving somewhere without leaving somewhere.  </em>Was the full quote Ian meant to say. I reread it a couple of times, thinking deeply about the words and how they applied to me like Ian said they did. </p><p>Growing beyond Gavin, beyond the ‘relationship’ if you could even call it that. Arriving somewhere else, somewhere better. With Joji.  </p><p>I guess the quote holds true. No matter how I would've ended the relationship, it would have hurt Gavin regardless and I’ll never really know if breaking up face to face would’ve ended his attempts at retaliation. Likely not, knowing him. There would never be a peaceful way to leave.  </p><p>I made a decision unknowingly, choosing George over Gavin. I accepted the terms, I knew what I was doing, but I would never be sorry for it. I would never regret George, even if some day he ended up regretting me.  </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0049"><h2>49. Please Go Back to Sleep</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>At Ian’s </span>
  <span>insistence</span>
  <span>, I went to see a shrink. </span>
  <span>I could at least give it one more try before I let him know it wasn’t for me. </span>
  <span>I took the train alone, not really wanting to bother anyone to drive me</span>
  <span>. My stomach had been hurting all week and I found it hard to eat or sleep. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>I saw </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span> every day. His face was looking a lot better and the swelling had gone down a lot. Ethan told him to take as much time off as he needed but </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span> insisted on coming back next week, when the doctor said it was alright. He just needed to be careful eating</span>
  <span>, drinking alcohol </span>
  <span>and avoid</span>
  <span> getting into</span>
  <span> any more fist fights. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was in high spirits though, which was both shocking and simultaneously expected. George had his days, sure, but he was an optimist at heart. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>A couple times I’d spend the night at his apartment, staying up late watch scary Japanese psychological thrillers and </span>
  <span>delicately feeding him goldfish snacks. Being around him was the highlight of my day.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>So, for him, I’m doing this. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>I got off at the train station in lower Manhattan and came face to face with a gusty breeze of cool New York air. I could have chosen a place closer to home, sure, but after I spent all night online looking up therapists, I found this one at the corner of Broadway and Walker. Supposedly this </span>
  <span>man</span>
  <span> was the best around and just so happened to be one of the few available in my insurance network. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was </span>
  <span>October</span>
  <span> 2</span>
  <span>nd.</span>
  <span> Fall was unofficially here and I honestly couldn’t be happier about summer being over. It was bittersweet. While this summer brought me a new job, new friends, a new apartment, and the love of my life; at the same time, it brought with it a lot of bad memories, pain, trauma, and heartbreak. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Losing Gavin wasn’t as easy internally as I thought it would be. Yes, I dropped off a lot of stress and abuse, but I lost my childhood best friend at the same time. My only hope for him is that he gets help for his alcoholism and childhood traumas and gets back on his medication. I may never see him again, in fact, I nearly guarantee it, but I still wish the best for him. I suppose that kind of well-wishing is the only kind you understand if you’ve been in a similar position with someone.  </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was a short walk down the street from Canal street station to the shrink’s office. Everyone I passed by was bundled up as if it were already winter. Hats, gloves, scarves, coats. I’d never seen so many people walk past me looking like high fashion clothing ads. New Yorker style was one I would never understand, yet always remain envious of. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Pushing through the glass doors into the small office was like stepping into a spa. Lit candles surrounded the room, flickering with warm light. Music so low that I could barely register it played from overhead through speakers in the ceiling. The receptionist greeted me from her seat behind a fancy, glossy wooden desk.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hi there, how can I help you?” She called to me. I recalled my attention back to her after staring at the </span>
  <span>framed photographs of </span>
  <span>vibrant </span>
  <span>green hills and </span>
  <span>cliffsides</span>
  <span> overlooking</span>
  <span> the </span>
  <span>ocean.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hi, sorry. Um, my name is Olivia Copeland, I have an appointment with doctor... uh...” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Shit. I forgot the shrink’s name.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s alright, what’s your date of birth?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“May 19</span>
  <span>th --</span>
  <span>” I was cut off by a vibration in my pocket. The receptionist clicked away on her keyboard </span>
  <span>distractedly </span>
  <span>so I used the opportunity to pull my phone out and check the notification.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <b>
    <span>JojiVlogs</span>
  </b>
  <span>: </span>
  <span>H</span>
  <span>ey where you at?</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I found you. Please take a seat, she’ll be right out to come get you.” The woman said, pointing me to the small seating area behind me. I nodded and thanked her before taking my seat and slid my phone open to reply to George.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <b>
    <span>O: </span>
  </b>
  <span>I</span>
  <span>dk where </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> at?</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>It didn’t take long for him to reply as my phone buzzed once again.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <b>
    <span>JojiVlogs</span>
  </b>
  <span>: </span>
  <span>L</span>
  <span>aying in bed </span>
  <span>thinkin</span>
  <span> bout u :P</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>I laughed quietly, making the phone screen rumble as I typed my reply on the keyboard. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <b>
    <span>O</span>
  </b>
  <span>: </span>
  <span>O</span>
  <span>h yea? </span>
  <span>Like what?</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>I sent the text, knowing damn well where we would be taking this conversation but I was completely okay with it. </span>
  <span>Ever since the audition we hadn’t… yeah. So he was frustrated and I could tell. Our scary movie nights were</span>
  <span>, unfortunately, very platonic. With his </span>
  <span>mouth still causing him pain and everything, it just seemed like a weird thing to </span>
  <span>do. But he’d subtly been hinting at it for a bit by rubbing his hands up and down my thigh, smacking my ass, or </span>
  <span>letting his fingers trail under my shirt. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <b>
    <span>JojiVlogs</span>
  </b>
  <span>: </span>
  <span>That shower we took together </span>
  <span>at the hotel</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ah yes, </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> shower. I blushed as I recalled the events of that shower</span>
  <span> and how boldly I’d acted in front of him. </span>
  <span>It was </span>
  <span>something that took the confidence that George had given me to be able to pull off. Not to mention how</span>
  <span> incredible</span>
  <span> it was</span>
  <span> to watch such a gorgeous man fall apart in front of me at the mercy of my lips and tongue. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <b>
    <span>O</span>
  </b>
  <span>: By far my favorite shower I’ve ever taken</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <b>
    <span>JojiVlogs</span>
  </b>
  <span>: Same… maybe you should come over and we’ll take another?</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>I grinned at my phone.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <b>
    <span>O</span>
  </b>
  <span>: Can’t right now but maybe soon</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hello there, </span>
  <span>it's</span>
  <span> nice to meet you</span>
  <span>! Call</span>
  <span> me</span>
  <span> Kevin.”</span>
  <span> A</span>
  <span> brunette </span>
  <span>man</span>
  <span> with </span>
  <span>slight scruff across his jaw and a heavy Irish accent</span>
  <span> said as </span>
  <span>he</span>
  <span> approached me and pulled my attention up from my phone. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Olivia. Nice to meet you.” I replied, </span>
  <span>taking his</span>
  <span> hand in a shake before </span>
  <span>he</span>
  <span> turned to lead me past the receptionist desk and down the hallway. My phone buzzed again.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <b>
    <span>JojiVlogs</span>
  </b>
  <span>: Aw ): what are you doing?</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>I pocketed my phone instead of replying as the doctor pushed open the first door on the left and </span>
  <span>gestured for me to enter. Inside was a couple of gray couches, a rug, a coffee table,</span>
  <span> framed photographs of scenery </span>
  <span>and a single </span>
  <span>armchair. I immediately cringed at the chair, </span>
  <span>relating it to the cliché therapists chair. I most definitely would not be lying down either.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Have a seat anywhere you’d like.” </span>
  <span>He</span>
  <span> encouraged me. </span>
  <span>He</span>
  <span> walked </span>
  <span>over to the furthest wall in the back of the room and </span>
  <span>pulled a coffee cup from a mug rack.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Would you like some coffee, tea</span>
  <span>, </span>
  <span>or water?</span>
  <span>” </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>I shifted over to the couch, planting myself against the arm on the right side and </span>
  <span>sinking into the seat.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No</span>
  <span>,</span>
  <span> I'm okay, thank you.” I replied. The </span>
  <span>man</span>
  <span> worked on pouring </span>
  <span>himself</span>
  <span> a cup of hot water </span>
  <span>when my phone buzzed again.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <b>
    <span>JojiVlogs</span>
  </b>
  <span>: </span>
  <span>I</span>
  <span> was liking where this conversation was going D:</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>I smirked, </span>
  <span>quickly typing out a reply before the </span>
  <span>man</span>
  <span> came back.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <b>
    <span>O</span>
  </b>
  <span>: I’m sorry! I’ll come over tonight, no promises </span>
  <span>on that shower </span>
  <span>tho</span>
  <span>!</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Kevin</span>
  <span> returned with a piping mug of tea and set it down on the coffee table before </span>
  <span>sitting directly across from me on the other couch. I let out a little sigh of relief when </span>
  <span>he</span>
  <span> didn’t choose the armchair</span>
  <span>.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>So</span>
  <span>,</span>
  <span> Olivia, what brings you in?” </span>
  <span>He smiled kindly, pulling a clipboard up to his lap and clicking the top of his pen. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh well, my friend Ian said I should come see a </span>
  <span>sh</span>
  <span>—uh, a </span>
  <span>therapist, to talk about some stuff that’s been going on in my life.” I started relatively simple so </span>
  <span>he</span>
  <span> could follow along.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay that sounds good. Tell me about it then, what's going on?” </span>
  <span>He held the clipboard to the side as he </span>
  <span>reached down for </span>
  <span>his</span>
  <span> tea</span>
  <span> and blew</span>
  <span> on </span>
  <span>the steam.</span>
  <span> I </span>
  <span>thought</span>
  <span> about where go start.</span>
  <span> Should I start with when I met Gavin? Where we moved out together at </span>
  <span>18, or when he started drinking? </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ultimately</span>
  <span>,</span>
  <span> I decided on </span>
  <span>telling </span>
  <span>him</span>
  <span> about present day. I told </span>
  <span>him</span>
  <span> about how I met George, Ian, Max, </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span>, and Chad. I told </span>
  <span>him</span>
  <span> about our friendship and my relationship with </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span>; the</span>
  <span> trip to Niagara and </span>
  <span>the extraordinary talent my friends </span>
  <span>had.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>When </span>
  <span>he</span>
  <span> asked about </span>
  <span>how the audition went, that’s when </span>
  <span>the heavy feeling in my chest came back again. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>That’s when I brought up Gavin. It was surprisingly a struggle the get through that subject. I’d </span>
  <span>studder</span>
  <span> here and there and come up with a loss for words midsentence. I struggled a lot with trying to keep the pain from my voice when I spoke about the fight. When it came to the fact that </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span> and I danced the line of cheating, I grew ashamed and couldn’t look him in the eyes. I didn’t feel judgement from him, only myself. I purposely skipped over a lot regarding Gavin.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Before I knew it, 60 minutes was up. I didn’t through everything, in fact, I’d barely scratched the surface.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It sounds to me like there's a lot of trauma there that we need to work through. I understand how you feel about the audition, but I think your response to it was a trained one. You’ve immediately gravitated toward the role of blame because that is what you're conditioned to, even though it wasn’t your fault. So, next week we will talk about ways to help you overcome that instinct and soothe your guilt.” </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“In the meantime, I’d like you to try making the changes on a smaller scale. I’ve noticed that you have a tendency to jump completely into everything you do. So, little by little, start forgiving yourself. Start treating yourself like you treat everyone else, be patient, be forgiving, be encouraging. Alright?” He smiled, encouragingly. I nodded. I wasn’t positive how well that would work out but I could at least try. So far so good.</span>
  
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I sat on the train on my way home, staring at the grimy floor beneath my shoes. I started my homework, which was thinking over the events of the last few months and trying to find ways to forgive myself. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>The loss of my promotion to Rebecca. </span>
  <span>God, it felt like a million years ago, but at the time it was devastating. That wasn’t my fault though. Losing my job wasn’t my fault.</span>
  <em>
    
  </em>
  <span>That one was easy to forgive when I realized that if it weren't for that lost position, I never would’ve gotten the chance to know George. I moved on.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>The sex shop incident. If I had just stayed with the boys and not wandered off, none of it would’ve happened. My stupid mistake forced Ian, Max, and </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span> to stay in the dirty parking lot, listening to me try like a bitch until 4 in the morning. Not to mention I was wearing slutty lingerie in pervert Disneyland; of fucking course I would get touched. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Wait, fuck.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>No. That’s Gavin talking, I can literally hear his voice in my head. No. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>It wasn’t my fault. </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span> said it wasn’t my fault. I believe him over Gavin. Retrain. I had George’s hoodie on, no one could even tell what I was wearing underneath! I should have been free to walk alone without being assault. That was not my fault. It wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t my fault. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>I arrived at the station closest to </span>
  <span>Joji’s</span>
  <span> apartment and got off the train. A short walk through the station and I stepped outside. The wind was still wild, pushing me lightly and making my hair fly around my face as I walked down the street towards his apartment. I passed </span>
  <span>Joji’s</span>
  <span> favorite pizza place and grinned at the memory of him bringing me down here at 2am for a single slice as large as my head. My hand clutched in his, feeling safe and loved... even though that was well before our confessions to each other. The warmth that spread inside me I now knew was the budding affection I held for him. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>I refocused, pushing my cold hands into the pockets of my hoodie and thinking again about how I could learn to let go of my mistakes.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cheating.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Even just the word sent a sharp knife through my chest. I didn’t want to consider what we did cheating cause I mean... it wasn’t, was it? We kissed. I-- </span>
  <span>I</span>
  <span> fell in love. But it’s not like we had sex while I was with Gavin... right? </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>I thought about it. I wanted to. I'm sure </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span> did too. But that doesn’t necessarily mean cheating. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>I felt like I was fooling myself, lying to make myself feel better despite the clear answer right in front of me. </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> told me I was off the hook. She said kissing isn't cheating, and I guess to some people it isn't but the feeling in my gut that plagued me with guilt told me it was. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>How was it so easy to forgive myself for my lost </span>
  <span>coffee shop</span>
  <span> job on the basis of George, but this wasn’t? I don’t want to apologize or feel bad for falling for him, especially not to Gavin. Maybe to myself. I don’t know. None of it was making sense anymore and I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t forgive myself for cheating and I couldn’t blame myself for it either, but it still caused me pain both ways. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>I reached the apartment and let myself in, trudging up the steps to the boy’s door. I used my key, pushing open the door and smiling as the sounds of laughter and screams filled my ears. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You fucking cunt, I hope your mother gets cancer!” Max’s voice wailed from the living room. I kicked my shoes off by the door and made my way down the hall.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, fuck me, fuck me, fuck me, YES! Ha </span>
  <span>ha</span>
  <span>, fuck you, you </span>
  <span>slanty</span>
  <span> eyed bastard!” Ian screamed, cheering and throwing his hands up with a controller clutched in them as I rounded the corner. The four boys sat lazily on the couch, staring up at the TV and clicking wildly on their respective controllers. I watched the television and repressed my laughter at the fact that they were getting so worked up over Mario Party of all things. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Peach, you fucking whore, run FASTER!” George screamed, rapidly slamming his thumb down on the controller as poor Princess Peach on screen ran away from a giant rolling ball and was promptly crushed beneath it. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>The rankings appeared on screen with Peach in 4</span>
  <span>th</span>
  <span> place, holding her face in her hands in disappointment. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fuck!” Max screamed and threw his controller down on the floor as Ian and Chad laughed hysterically. George dropped his controller as well, sitting up from his lying position on the couch to turn and glare at Ian.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fuck you man, I would've made it if your fat ass Yoshi cunt hadn't gotten in my fucking w--” He stopped short when he noticed me from the corner of his eye watching him. His expression changed from one of anger to one of happiness and he lit up. My heart ached at the smile that pulled at his face, still not quite the same as his normal one as the stitches healed, but still devastatingly gorgeous. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hi baby, when did you get here?” He called to me, standing from the couch as the rest of them turned around. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey Liv.” Ian waved, grinning with what I assume was satisfaction from his recent victory. Max held up his index finger in greeting, and Chad lifted his head to smile as at me as well. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Just now. Hey guys.” I replied just before </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span> rounded the couch and pulled me into a tight hug.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I missed you.” He whispered into my hair, his arms wounding around my waist and pulling me against him. I giggled, wrapping my arms around him in return and letting him sway us both.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I missed you too.” I turned my head to kiss his cheek, making him pout. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Aw come on.” He whined quietly so only I could hear. I kissed the corner of his mouth in response but his pout didn’t lessen.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How is it doing? Still hurt?” I asked, raising my hand to gently poke at his lip. The stitches were thin and black but a lot less noticeable from last week. They faded a little bit every day but still looked gnarly.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Barely. It hurts like a bruise at this point.” George replied, smiling down at me. I nodded, letting my hand fall from his face and wrap back around his middle. I pressed my head to his chest, listening to his heartbeat flutter wildly.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Geez get a room!” Max called out jokingly. </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span> shrugged, pulling me along with him to his room.</span>
  
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Sorry for not updating on the weekend like a normally do. Um, honestly the next chapter is extremely personal to me and is based on a very real experience I had. I wasn't sure whether or not to post it and I tried to rewrite it but given that most of this story is written from real things that happened to me, I felt maybe it was okay to let my characters experience it too. </p>
<p>There is a trigger warning before the next chapter and if it disturbs you, I beg you to simply skip it. There is a "too long; didn't read" (TL;DR) provided on the chapter after the next. </p>
<p>Thank you.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0050"><h2>50. Loud</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Trigger Warning: Rape/Mentions of Rape </p><p>This chapter may be skipped; I will provide a TLDR on the next chapter.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>He kissed me gently as his hands held my hips, pushing my back up against his closed bedroom door. I kissed him back but didn’t apply any pressure as I was afraid of hurting him. He didn’t complain, but moved his lips down to my jaw and neck, pressing soft kisses down until he reached my collarbone. His hands slid under my shirt, his scorching touch leaving a trail of heat as his hands moved up and brought my shirt with them.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>My shirt was pulled up over my head and he hummed his satisfaction in my ear. Hands that were gliding up my sides suddenly found their way to my back before playing with the clasp of my bra. His lips left small, gentle kisses against my shoulder before moving back up to my neck. His tongue dipped out, tasting my skin and making me shiver. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>My hands gripped onto his arms, fisting the fabric of his sweatshirt. When his tongue dipped into the hallow space of my collarbone in front of my neck, I titled my head back. My eyes closed as I enjoyed his work. His body pressed closer to me, pushing me flush against the door. His fingers worked on the clasp of my bra, unhooking the </span>
  <span>garment</span>
  <span> and pulling it away. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I opened my eyes to watch his reaction as he stripped the bra from my body. His eyes going slightly wide before hooding again.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“God, did I miss you.” He murmured as his hands found my breasts and held them in his palms. His head dipped, his tongue abandoning my neck for my tits instead. I closed my eyes, pulling my lip between my teeth and fighting the smile that threatened to overtake my face. His tongue swirled around, pulling the small bud inside his mouth. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Can we move—ah, to the bed?” I quivered, standing on already shaky legs. George pulled away from me, standing and smiling.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course.” In one swift motion, he lifted me, his hands gripping the backs of my thighs and holding me to his body. I squealed, holding on to the back of his neck as he walked us over to the bed. I placed a kiss on his forehead before he dropped me. I bounced as I landed on the mattress and he groaned.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I need to see you bounce topless more often.” Joji grinned, leaning over me and resuming his ministrations on my chest. I laughed, threading my fingers through his hair. It had gotten so long that it began curling in some places like the back the neck and around his ears, but I liked it. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah, Joji.” I sighed as he massaged me, taking handfuls of my breasts and palming them. His tongue swept up the valley between my breasts all the way up to my neck, making my back arch and a low whine escape from my throat. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck.” He groaned in reply, bringing his lower half between my legs and pressing flush against me. I could feel him, hard and ready right up against where I needed him. He ground into me, his hands releasing a hold of my tits to wraps around my waist instead. He pulled me against him, holding me still as he thrust into me. We were both still clothed on our bottom halves but the feel of his hard cock in his pants against me drove me crazy.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Please.” I panted, clawing at his sweatshirt and trying to pull it up. He obliged, sitting back enough to pull the shirt up and off. My eyes immediately fixated on his lingering bruises scattered across his chest and stomach. The last time I saw them was in the hospital when they were large, purple and pink. They’d shrunk significantly and their color had improved, now looking pink and yellowish. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Still, the sight pained me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He must have noticed as he picked my chin up and redirected my gaze to his gorgeous chocolate eyes.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I know what you’re thinking,” he breathed, his thumb grazing my bottom lip. “but please don’t worry about it, I’m fine.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I forced myself to nod even though I didn’t agree. I didn’t want to ruin the mood even if I was just slightly taken out of it. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay.” I whispered before his lips came down on mine again, kissing me once before pulling away. I tried not to mind his bruises or his purpled lip, but something was swirling inside me, something that made me feel a little sick. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ignore it, </span>
  </em>
  <span>I told myself. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I watched Joji’s fingers play at the button of my jeans before his eyes lifted to mine, silently asking permission. I nodded, lifting my hips for him. He backed off the bed, standing between my legs as he undid the button and pulled the fabric down. I watched him work on his own pants, unlacing the drawstring of his joggers with bruised and scraped knuckles.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Nausea came up in my throat, hot acid rising slowly and threatening to spill out. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Get your shit together.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He’s fine.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It’s </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>fine.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>When I opened my eyes again, George was pulling his boxer briefs down, dropping them to the floor. My underwear joined his on the floor soon enough and he was pushing into me. His fingers working me to make sure I was slick enough as my body took over for my mind. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The feeling was familiar to me, but not with him, and that scared me. I began panicking and my breaths turned heavy. I think he mistook that for excitement because he began speeding up, thrusting into me faster and harder. His groans sounded like echoes in my head, like we were in a tunnel. The nausea intensified as I realized I was not in my own body anymore. I felt like I was floating, watching from above as we made love. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Baby, I love you so much.” His voiced called out, making my heart ache. He doesn’t deserve this. I’m so fucked up. Tears stung at the corners of my eyes. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Please don’t do this, Olivia. Not now.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Pain spread throughout my chest and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I sucked in a deep breath.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>His thrusts grew wilder and his hands wandered. One held on to one of my tits, the other reached for my shoulder. His thumb played with my nipple, twisting it between two fingers. My eyes dropped to his fingers. The joints red and scabbed. The same hand he... the same joints he’d dislocated.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I watched him pulling that arm back and sending it flying down again, smashing right into Gavin’s face. I remember blood and teeth on the floor. Shiny, slippery, crimson. Blood on his knuckles.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Joji’s fist flying into Gavin’s face over and over and over and over.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Gavin’s fist flying into my stomach over and over and over and over.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Joji’s hand wrapped around my throat. His body pushed into mine, hot and sweaty. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Gavin’s hand wrapped </span>
  <span>around</span>
  <span> my throat. His body pushed into mine, hot and sweaty. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>No, no, no, no.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>They’re not the same.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You’re okay, think about fishing, remember the beach, you’re--</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Gavin moaned my name. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I screamed. I was suddenly back in my body. I could now feel everything, my racing heart, the tears that I could no longer contain sliding down my face, him inside of me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“No! Please stop, please stop!” My scream shocked him and his movements stopped immediately. My body moved away instinctively, pushing him away from me and kicking him in the stomach. I ran to his window, lifting the sill as quickly as I could and leaning out so I could release the bile that filled my mouth. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Olivia?” Joji called out to me. I felt his hand on my back but I flinched away as I gagged and a second wave of vomit left my stomach. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What the fuck was that?!” Max’s voice registered behind me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What did you do to her?!” Chad screamed. I cried, slumping over the window as screams erupted behind me.</span>
  <em>
    <span> I told you not to do this! I hate you! I fucking hate you!</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I sobbed and fell to the floor, wrapping my arms around my body and pressing my face into the wall. He’d done it before; it was just like this. I’m so sorry. I didn’t leave the bathroom for days... or weeks. I don’t know. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>A light weight wrapped around me but I refused to look. I heard someone’s voice in my ear, speaking to me urgently, but I couldn’t make sense of it. I shook my head.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Please stop.” I sobbed. I buried my head against my knees. It was so loud. So much screaming. I tried to stop but I couldn’t, this was it. The last time I broke down like this was the last time it happened. I couldn’t even remember it until now. Gavin would never do that.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Joji would never do that.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I was picked up but I refused to open my eyes. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It’s only a matter of time, you hear me? You’re nothing but fucking trouble and when he dumps your ass you’ll regret ever leaving--!</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0051"><h2>51. Mosaic Broken Hearts</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TLDR from the last chapter: Olivia experienced disassociation during sex with George and suffered a panic attack and psychosis.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><span>I'm so weak in every way. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I could never protect myself, someone always needed to fight my fights for me. </span> <br/><span>I looked out the window over the tops of the neighboring buildings, watching pigeons gather on telephone wires. The sun was going down and the beautiful New York sunset I loved so much was quickly approaching. I pressed my cheek against my knee and sighed. I’m so tired.</span></p><p>
  <span>My eyes dropped.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>A soft knock sounded at my door.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>Livya</span>
  <span>?” </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> called out to me quietly. I lifted my head and turned to look at her. She held a plate as she entered my room and brought it over to me.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey babe. I made dinner,” She showed me the plate filled with fried rice, sliced cucumbers, and chicken. “I don’t know if it’s any good, but I tried.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I smiled weakly, taking the plate from her and looking up at her face.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks Nik.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>She gave me a tight smile in return and rubbed my arm before leaving, closing the door softly behind her. I set the plate down on the table beside me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I was told I needed to eat with my medicine or I would get sick, but I didn’t feel like eating lately. I looked out the window as the sky began turning pink. The clouds in the sky held a dark purple color, only turning orange at their linings. They drifted away from me; some fading into nothing, others ripping in half down the middle. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I moved to lay on my bed when the show was over and the sky turned from pink to purple to black. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m more of a sunrise person,” </span>
  </em>
  <span>He’d said once.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I wasn’t allowed to see him since I completely lost my mind. The doctor said it might be too stressful and despite my protests, Niki and Ian agreed. So, we were separated. I saw my shrink, Kevin, every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at 10am. We were working on a plan to get me back to a mentally stable place since I apparently couldn’t be deemed healthy right now. With that, I also wasn’t allowed to return to work. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I was told what happened wasn’t my fault, and that made me angry. Why is nothing ever my fucking fault? I argued with my doctor but that got me nothing except another prescription. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Extreme stress and trauma can cause a mental break in some people.” The doctor had said. </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> sat beside me, holding my hand. I could remember bits and pieces of what happened, but the rest was blurry, especially anything afterward. I remember having sex with George; staring at his knuckles and the bruises on his body. I remember throwing up out his window and the ensuing fight as the boys rushed into the room after I’d screamed bloody murder. I remember nothing after that. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Anyway, I walked out with prescriptions for antipsychotic, antidepressant medicine and a new collar around my neck.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> accompanied me to the therapist. I wasn’t allowed to go alone anymore. At first, she said it was only temporary and merged that with a tight smile. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I’d become a burden to my friends even more than I had before. I told her she should just lock me up and she gave a dry laugh. I felt terrible for her, but she wouldn’t accept my apologies. After the first week I felt really bad about it. After the second week it just became our new routine. By the third week I stopped caring. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>We were family, </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> and I. She was my sister and she treated me as such. Her fragility with me from the first and second week had settled into </span>
  <span>comfortability</span>
  <span>. She expected me to do as she says and for the most part I did. When we fought, she didn’t hold back, but we always made up right after like sisters do. At this point, she was simply my caretaker and I’d come to accept it. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>She is truly the most amazing person I’d ever met, second only to George, and I appreciated her deeply. She told me she would never abandon me and even though I could no longer afford to pay her rent, I always had a home with her. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Speaking of George... the incident felt like it happened years ago. Four weeks passed without a word from him. Not saying that he didn’t try, he just wasn’t allowed by Ian. </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> told me that when I was ready, </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span> was eager to see me. She said he’d written me letters but that we would need to wait until the doctor said it was okay before she gave them to me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Doctor Cunt said to give it another</span>
  <em>
    <span> month</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> held the door open for me as we entered Kevin’s office.</span>
  <span> It was decorated with </span>
  <span>jack-o-lanterns and cheap plastic bats. </span>
  <span>The receptionist already knew the drill and signed me in without us having to ask. Nik and I sat in the waiting area as we waited.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You </span>
  <span>gonna</span>
  <span> work on the breathing exercises today?” She asked, making small talk. I shrugged. My hands fiddled deep in the pockets of my jacket, scratching at the cuticles on my fingers. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“They worked really well last time.” She said, continuing the conversation with or without me. I sighed.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey Olivia, come on back.” Kevin said, appearing in the hallway in front of us. I stood, leaving </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> behind as I followed him. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I took my usual spot on the couch, pressed against the right side, and Kevin took his, directly across me on the other couch.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“How are you doing today?” He asked with his thick Irish accent. It reminded me of Max and Chad. Not because it was in any way similar, but because I hadn't heard their accents in a while and I missed it. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright.” I replied, still scratching at the cuticle that I had undoubtedly ripped from my middle finger. A small, searing burn spread from the finger; my only indication that I had succeeded. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Is there anything in particular you want to talk about today?” He asked, lifting his usual mug of hot tea from the coffee table and blowing on the steam. The swirling steam reminded me of </span>
  <span>Joji’s</span>
  <span> cigarette smoke and my heart ached. I missed the smell of him and those damn, disgusting cancer sticks.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“When can you write that referral for my doctor?” I asked, watching him taking a small sip of his tea. His brow piqued over the edge of the mug and he set it down.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“When </span>
  <span>can</span>
  <span> you </span>
  <span>s</span>
  <span>tart actually talking to me?” He countered, making me glare at him. We’d been dancing around several subjects including G—Goblin, </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span>, my parents, and the abuse I experienced</span>
  <span> for the last decade</span>
  <span>.</span>
  <span> Since the ‘breakdown,’ I found it hard to relive most of those subjects and skirted around them for insignificant topics of conversation instead. Last week I told Kevin about a really good double fudge brownie recipe I </span>
  <span>tried. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I crossed my arms </span>
  <span>over my chest and eyed him. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t want to see me any more than I want to see you</span>
  <span>, so come on. I just want </span>
  <span>everything to go back to normal. I want to go to work, see George again, and move on. You can make that happen.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It was a tactic that I’d tried with him before, in fact almost every </span>
  <span>visit, but that never worked. Kevin sighed, pulling on his necktie to loosen it</span>
  <span>.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You know I can’t do that. </span>
  <span>It</span>
  <span> wouldn’t be fair to you or your friends</span>
  <span>.</span>
  <span>” he explained to me</span>
  <span> for the </span>
  <span>umpteenth time. “</span>
  <span>W</span>
  <span>hat happened to you wasn’t normal. Common, yes, but certainly not normal</span>
  <span>. It</span>
  <span> can happen again if you don’t </span>
  <span>fix it.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The upsetting part was that I knew he was right. I just couldn’t bring myself to experience that fear again.</span>
  
  <span>So much pain, hatred, darkness. I needed my light back, but they wouldn’t let me see him.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t we continue our </span>
  <span>composure exercises again? Have you been practicing from last time?”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“How did it go?” </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> asked, sounding like a mother </span>
  <span>asking her kid how school was today.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine.” I sighed. </span>
  <span>We left the office and walked down the sidewalk towards the parking garage. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The sky was cloudy and gray. </span>
  <span>It was supposed to rain and the weather really showed it.</span>
  <span> Thick, dark clouds swirled above our heads</span>
  <span>. They might be menacing if I didn’t love rainstorms so much.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Halloween was tomorrow but we had no plans. I liked to think that in another </span>
  <span>reality we’d be dressing up with the boys and partying </span>
  <span>at work</span>
  <span>. What would I be dressed as? What would </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span> be dressed as? </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I think Ian would make a convincing vampire. Max could pull off a werewolf costume. His hair is long enough.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I wondered how </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span> was doing every single day. Was he happy? Was he miserable like me? Has he cut his hair yet?</span>
  <span> Was he writing any new music, or did I kill his creativity? </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Every time I asked </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> she would always say the same thing.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“He’s doing fine.” </span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It was vague enough to not mean anything</span>
  <span>; </span>
  <span>it simply means he’s alive. Not if he’s happy or </span>
  <span>angry or… if he’s moved on. I wouldn’t blame him if he had. </span>
  <span>The thought hurt though.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>We passed by a liquor store and a large man nearly bumped into me on his way out.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Watch it!” He snapped at me, his dark eyes meeting mine and glaring coldly.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Suck my dick.” I sneered in return</span>
  <span>. His glare deepened as he walked away down the street </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Jesus Liv, that was rude.” </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  
  <span>grabbed onto my arm and pulled me along.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“He started it.” I rolled my eyes and let her pull me before the smell of cigarettes filled my nostrils. </span>
  <span>It was distinct, the brand he smoked. I would know it anywhere. My head whipped around, looking for him. Was he here?!</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>My eyes caught sight of the same man</span>
  <span> who bumped into me </span>
  <span>holding a lit cigarette between his lips. He was older</span>
  <span> and taller than </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span>, it couldn’t have been him. </span>
  <span>But the brand he was smoking was the same.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>My heart constricted painfully, making me</span>
  <span> wince. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s wrong?” </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> asked, stopping beside me to inspect my face. I tore my eyes from the man to look at her and I had an idea.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>Oh, I was just wondering if we could go in the store really quick?” I asked</span>
  <span>, gesturing the liquor store a couple steps behind us. Her eyes moved behind me to see what I was pointing at.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Why?” </span>
  <span>She frowned. I had to think of a good excuse that wouldn’t raise any red flags. </span>
  <span>I would not get the chance to do this again, not with </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> shadowing me like she does.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Chocolate? I’ve been cramping a lot today. I feel like I might start my period soon. Can I just get a couple </span>
  <span>Reece's</span>
  <span> or something? Please?” I felt like an idiot but if it got me what I </span>
  <span>wanted,</span>
  <span> I didn’t care.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Niki’s</span>
  <span> frown disappeared instantly and was replaced by understanding. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah sure! I’ve been craving some chocolate covered pretzels</span>
  <span> anyway.” She agreed and led us back to the store. I didn’t have a lot of money </span>
  <span>left since I stopped working but always carried cash in case of emergencies and right now, I considered this to be an emergency. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> made her way toward the candy aisle a few rows into the store and I followed slowly, pretending to browse </span>
  <span>the chips and snacks by the front before I knew she was far enough away. </span>
  <span>I approached the register, my eyes flicking over to the aisle where I could see the top of </span>
  <span>Niki’s</span>
  <span> head.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Pack of smokes please</span>
  <span>. C</span>
  <span>amels</span>
  <span>.” I hurriedly </span>
  <span>said to the man behind the register. He turned around to look at the rows of cigarettes behind him.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>The </span>
  <span>Newports</span>
  <span>?” He asked tiredly. I looked back over at him and huffed.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“No, the </span>
  <span>C</span>
  <span>amels!” </span>
  <span>I whispered harshly. </span>
  <span>My gaze shifted back over to </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> who dipped down to pick up something from a low shelf. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hurry!” I half yelled, </span>
  <span>reaching for my wallet in my back pockets and </span>
  <span>tossed a ten at him. They weren’t nearly that expensive</span>
  <span>, maybe a five and some change but I didn’t care. When he turned back around to ring up the carton, I snatched it from his hand. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks, keep the change!” </span>
  <span>I shoved the box in the pockets of my coat and strolled over to </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> who was now looking around for me. </span>
  <span>I discreetly grabbed the first thing in my path, a bag of chips, as I walked towards her.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, there you are! Did you find the </span>
  <span>Reece's</span>
  <span>? Cause there’s some right--" </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>Yeah I did but I actually changed my mind. I want </span>
  <span>something salty instead.” </span>
  <span>I cut her off, holding up a bag of jalapeño potato chips.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh okay, cool.” She smiled</span>
  <span>. We paid for our stuff, the cashier eyeing me suspiciously the entire time, before leaving. </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> showed me what she purchased and it was nearly the entire candy aisle. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I nodded and smiled at her, listening to her recount the treats she picked as we continued toward the parking garage, but inside I was dying. I had a carton of </span>
  <span>Joji’s</span>
  <span>—well not </span>
  <span>Joji’s</span>
  
  <span>personally—cigarettes in my pocket. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> would never let me</span>
  <span> have them if she knew. I’m sure it would be something about how traumatic it could be for me or how it would simply make me miss him more which is probably true but I didn’t care.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>If I could just close my eyes and smell his scent again, I could die happy. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I sat on the fire escape outside our apartment, holding a match underneath one of the cigarettes. Niki would kill me if she knew how often I came out here, or how often I considered walking to George’s apartment and begging him for forgiveness. If I weren't a woman walking alone on the streets of Brooklyn at 2 in the morning, I might actually do it, but I would be no good to Joji dead. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I fantasized about it instead. Tossing pebbles up at his window, waking him, and urging him to meet me outside like he did for me. I sighed when the strong stench of smoke emitted from the cigarette and filled my nostrils. It smelled just like him. It smelled like nights on the rooftop, watching sunsets together, falling in love. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I held the stick between my fingers and let the smoke seep up into my face. My back against the black metal railing, legs outstretched as I looked out over the city lights. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I wish he was here.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Stars filled the sky overhead, twinkling lazily. The moon was half full, one side glowing with brilliant pale light while the other side cast in black shadows. One half of the moon provided light and beauty, the other half darkness and isolation. Fitting. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He really was too good for me. I always knew it but I guess I hoped I could prove I deserved someone like him. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>All I've done is prove that I don’t. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The cigarette burned quickly, leaving a quarter of blackened ash. I flicked it with my thumb like I’d seen George do a million times and sure enough, the dead end crumbled and fell between bars beneath me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It's funny how the harder I tried, the harder I failed. I wondered why that was. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe it wasn’t meant to be and it was the universe’s way of telling me to stop trying. I guess that would make sense. I’m lucky to have gotten as far as I have. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Cars honked on the street below, pulling my attention down to the orange cast streets. Homeless people walked down the street, pushing grocery carts full of trash bags and beer cans. I watched a car run a red light and a man stumble down the street with a liquor bottle clutched in his fist. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The sight reminded me of Goblin and I frowned. Who was that man going home to, drunk off his ass like that? I stopped there; I didn’t want to think about it.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The cigarette was a little more than halfway burnt through. I flicked the ash off lit another match under the stick when I noticed the embers inside weren't burning that much anymore. Without someone to pull the heat through, it was dying out. I briefly considered trying to smoke it before just as quickly dismissing the idea. Not only did I not want Niki to be able to smell it on me, but I also didn’t feel like developing a nicotine addiction. I love the taste of Joji’s mouth, but only secondhand. Smelling it was good enough for me.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>When the smoke ran out completely, I smashed it against the brick of the building and brought it inside with me. I climbed back inside my window, making my way as quietly as I could to the bathroom so I could flush the remnants in the toilet. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I took a shower and changed my clothes so Niki wouldn’t be able to smell anything on me and laid in bed when I was finished. The bed was cold. I turned my head and stared at the peace lily beside the window. It was supposed to purify the air, maybe even bring some inner harmony. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>If that was true, it was doing a shit job.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I couldn’t be mad at it though; it was gorgeous like him. I rolled over to lie on my stomach, spreading my arms out beneath my pillow as I kept staring at the plant. I watched it until my eyes closed on their own and I dreamt of Joji.</span>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0052"><h2>52. The Hope of It All</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“The doctor said you’re not supposed to drink, it’s a depressant!” Niki hissed, snatching the bottle from my fingers. I glared at her from my </span>
  <span>curled up</span>
  <span> position on the chair by the window. It was dark outside, almost 9 when she’d be leaving for work and I had found a way into Niki’s poorly secured liquor cabinet. I let her take the whiskey, I had more stashed in my closet anyway for after she left.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Life is a depressant.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Niki rolled her eyes at my response and left my bedroom with the nearly empty bottle in her hands. I sighed, unfurling my legs from beneath me and standing to follow her. She made her way to the kitchen and returned before I could even make it there. She breezed past me, ruffling the top of my head as she made her way the bathroom. I turned to follow when she left the door open and turned on the water in the sink.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re not working tonight?” I asked, watching her through the mirror as she brushed her teeth. She shook her head, scrubbing her teeth and spitting the foam of the toothpaste from her mouth into the sink.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“No, who’s </span>
  <span>gonna</span>
  <span> stay home with you?” She asked as if it was an obvious answer. I watched her cup water in her hands to swish around and spit back out before she leaned forward to inspect her work.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Who’s </span>
  <span>gonna</span>
  <span> work the tables?” I questioned, leaning against the doorframe. She pulled open the medicine cabinet and reached for the floss. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“They’ll figure it out. I don’t want to leave you alone on a holiday. Especially not if you’re planning on drinking again.” She said as she pulled a piece of bright turquois string from the tiny floss box and ran it through her bottom front row of teeth. I rolled my eyes.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Who cares about Halloween?” I scoffed. Me, I did. I love holidays, but I tried not to let the pain of being without the rest of my friends tonight show on my face. </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> shrugged and turned to face me.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I dunno, but we can make it a fun night! Want to watch scary movies and eat junk food? I have all those sweets still.” She grinned, leaving the bathroom and turning off the light behind her. She was referring, of course, to the mostly full bowl of candy she purchased for trick or treaters.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“No, not really.” I grumbled to myself, too low for her to hear. I missed watching scary movies with </span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span>. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I followed her out into the living room where she sat cross legged on the couch in her pajamas and used the remote to turn the TV on. She caught my eyes and patted the seat beside her. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you like? I’ll let you pick.” She was trying her hardest, that much I could tell. I knew she’d much rather be at work right now, dressed in a cute costume, dancing and drinking and possibly finding someone to spend the night with. Instead she was stuck babysitting her psychotic adult friend. I sighed.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know, Nik. Whatever you want.” I sat beside her and let my head drop down to the arm of the couch. She scrolled through the menu, occasionally stopping on a title to ask my opinion before continuing on. Eventually she decided on possibly the least scary movie available to watch: Hocus Pocus. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know about you but this movie always scared me when I was a kid.” She teased getting up from the couch to grab her bowl of candy from the kitchen. I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around myself. I wish Joji were here, I bet he’d have a smart comment to say to this. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>A knock at the front door caught my attention and I heard </span>
  <span>Niki’s</span>
  <span> rustling in the kitchen come to a stop.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Must be trick or treaters.” She said out loud as she made her way to the door with her jack o’ lantern shaped bowl of treats. I kept my eyes closed and tried to focus on my breathing like Kevin told me to whenever I was feeling this way. Every time I felt like I was being torn in two. Niki was at the door for a few minutes, speaking quietly but I ignored it. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“-no, he said a month.” Niki whispered harshly; the tone of her voice pulling my attention. I opened my eyes, staring blankly at the movie in front of me as I strained to hear her conversation that obviously wasn’t with any trick or treaters. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>A male voice spoke quietly on the other end and my heart raced. I reacted before I could think and jumped up from the couch, running over and almost slipping on the hardwood floor. Niki turned her head and saw me merely a second before I reached the door and threw it open.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>Joji</span>
  <span>--?” I gasped, staring at a man dressed as a chef with a fake moustache and a concerned frown on his face. His brown eyes hidden behind glasses stared at mine. The wrong shade of brown. My hopes fell to the floor as I realized it was Ian and not George. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey Liv.” He greeted me sadly, his eyes darting to Niki’s before back over to mine. I’d seen Ian only once in the last few weeks after everything happened. He was caring for George like Niki was caring for me, supposedly; though I’m sure George was a lot less work since he’s not a basket case.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh. Hi... Ian.” I tried not to let the disappointment seep into my voice though I'm positive it already betrayed me with the look on my face. I let go of the door and folded my arms around my body instead, trying to hold it together.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry to interrupt your night, ladies. I was just wondering if </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> would be coming to work, that’s all.” He apologized, returning his eyes to </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span>. She shook her head.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“How is he?” I whispered, hoping for a better answer than one Niki could give me. Ian bristled at the question, his gaze shifting to Niki with a question in his eyes. I couldn’t see her expression or decipher the answer she’d given but he returned to me.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, you know, hanging in there. You </span>
  <span>gotta</span>
  <span> get better so he can come see you!” He gave a halfhearted smile but my own face fell. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hanging in there? </span>
  </em>
  <span>Was he upset? That sounds like something you say when someone isn't okay but is coping. Fuck. I did this to him. He was okay before me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay ha, yeah everything's alright. It was nice seeing you, Ian!” </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> threw on an obviously fake laugh and wrapped an arm around me. Ian mouthed an apology at her and waved goodbye at me before she shut the door in his face. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, don’t overthink this,” She whispered to me, pulling me back over to the couch. “he’s fine. I promise.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>She sat us both down and rubbed her hand soothingly across my back. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>We watched the movie in silence until it was time for bed. It was pouring rain outside, so loud that each droplet rapped against my bedroom window like pellets from a BB gun. It came down violently, demanding to be heard and acknowledged. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I see you.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I curled up in a ball under my covers, lying on my side and staring at each droplet that slid down the glass. I never stopped thinking about what Ian said, despite </span>
  <span>Niki’s</span>
  <span> insistence that I let it go. He was </span>
  <em>
    <span>hanging in there. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Coping. I hurt him like I promised I wouldn’t. A </span>
  <span>blunt </span>
  <span>pain </span>
  <span>ripped </span>
  <span>through my chest </span>
  <span>like </span>
  <span>being sliced with </span>
  <span>dull blade </span>
  <span>at the realization and I sobbed, burying my head in my pillow. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I’m so sorry.</span>
  
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How did yesterday go?” Kevin asked, watching me with interest as he bobbed the tea bag in the hot water.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine.” I stared at the framed photos behind him on the wall. He said they brought memories of Cork to him, soothing his homesickness on bad days. I couldn’t really relate. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s all you’re </span>
  <span>gonna</span>
  <span> give me?” He pressed, lifting his mug to his lips and taking a cautious sip. I peeled my eyes away from the photos to glare at him.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you want me to say, man? Shit fucking sucks.” He had little to no reaction to my words, likely already too used to them by now. I’d developed a bad cursing habit lately, maybe to make up for the lack of George and the other guys around me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Kevin pressed his lips in a tight line and looked at me over the rim of his cup.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You know I don’t like that kind of language. You may say ‘feck’ instead.” He scolded before taking another sip.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Kevin, I </span>
  <span>fecking</span>
  <span> hate you.” I rolled my eyes, my nails digging into the arm of the couch. He smirked and I wanted to smack it off his dumb face.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re angry, let’s talk about that.” He set his mug down on the coffee table in exchange for his clipboard full of notes about me instead. He clicked the end of his pen and held it to the paper, looking at me expectantly.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay fine, we’ll talk about it. I hate seeing you 3 times a week, I hate being monitored and cared for like an actual fucking toddler. I hate not being allowed to see Joji. I hate that everyone is so fucking delicate with me, afraid I’m </span>
  <span>gonna</span>
  <span> snap again! I just want things to go back to normal.” I ended with a huff, feeling the sting of tears advancing but pushing the instinct back down. Sometimes I cry when I’m angry and I hate that too because it makes me look and feel weak. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s the most you’ve expressed yourself since we started meeting. Very good, we’re making progress.” He smiled, scribbling on his notepad. I waited quietly, watching his pen move around the paper as he wrote down his observations on me. When he was done, he looked up at me and set the pen down on the board.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you want to start with how you feel about being monitored?” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I just told you it sucks.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He nodded, waiting for me to continue the thought but I didn’t. I crossed my arms and we stared at each other for a solid minute before he sighed.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You know, I understand how you feel, but all you’re doing is making the process take longer.” He picked up his tea again and took a drink. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“How am</span>
  <em>
    <span> I</span>
  </em>
  <span> making this take longer?” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Well,” he said in between sips before lowering the mug down once again. “you want to see George but you refuse to talk to me. The doctor isn't going to let you see him or let things go back to normal without my clearance.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Or you could just tell the damn doctor I’m fine and stop torturing me. I’ve been taking my medicine, and I haven't had any more attacks. Why isn't that good enough?” I questioned him. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Because that’s just not how it works. You need to be signed off after passing your mental health evaluation so we can ensure it doesn’t happen again. You wouldn’t keep driving a car with flat tires, would you?” Kevin smiled, probably internally laughing at his own joke. He did that sometimes, laughed at his own jokes. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t you have some Irish </span>
  <span>equivalent</span>
  <span> to that metaphor?” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You wouldn’t eat meat without potatoes.” He corrected himself, grinning widely. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I can't talk about some things, I just can't.” I admitted, holding my arms close to myself. “It’s not fair I should be punished for not wanting to re-live them.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have to talk about them if you don’t want to, but remember I told you? You need to accept, recognize, face them, feel them, and let go.” His voice was slow and calm. No pressure. I took a deep breath.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“How many?” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He picked up his clipboard and flipped through the sheets of paper tucked behind his current page until he found what he was looking for and he held up four fingers.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Your parents, George, the abuse, and... Gavin.” He said the last name slowly, knowing I physically cringed every time I heard his name now. The incident brought up buried memories that I couldn’t push down again. Kevin gave an apologetic smile and set the clipboard back down on the table.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine.” I gathered myself and started with arguably the easiest topic on my list first. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“My parents were really religious. No drugs, no drinking, no sex before marriage, you get it. Church on Sundays, getting dressed up and praying to God or whatever.” I couldn’t believe how cliché it all sounded, I hated it.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“At home it was different, of course. Dad hits me and mom, sleeps with other women from church, drinks like a fish. You know how it goes.” I eyed Kevin but his face showed no emotion as he waited for me to go on, so I did.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“They were both racist. They told me all the time not to get with someone from outside our race, except not so nicely. You get it. They’d have a conniption if they saw George.” I laughed, thinking about my mom’s reaction to me bringing home a half Japanese man. The corner of Kevin’s mouth piqued but he said nothing.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I hate the hypocrisy. It’s a sin to fuck before marriage, it’s a sin to be gay, it’s a sin to love someone of another color. Oh, but beating your family, fucking other women, and hating people for things they have no control over is okay.” I seethed. I remember the conversations like they were yesterday. The fights, the screams, the violence. But hey, we went to church every Sunday. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I like to think I’ve moved away from a lot of that, both literally and physically. That’s why we left. I wanted to go somewhere with a bigger mindset, experience new people and different perspectives. Being stuck in a town like that keeps you from growing, you know?” I asked rhetorically but he nodded anyway. I looked down at my hands. Almost all of my cuticles had been ripped off and were now red and stinging. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“My mom isn't a saint for putting up with it like she thinks she is. She’s an idiot.” I fidgeted with my nails as I began digging into the raw, exposed flesh around the nailbed. It hurt but I persisted, not really thinking of the pain.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I always told myself I wouldn’t be like her, but I did just that. Then one day I met someone in a bar who told me the way I was being treated was bullshit and it was like breaking the surface of the water. I realized what was happening, who I was, who I looked like, and it scared me.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“So, I clung to them, to him. Like a life raft in the middle of the ocean. I grew stronger, I think, thanks to them. I stood up for myself but</span>
  <em>
    <span> he</span>
  </em>
  <span> didn’t like that, and yeah, you know how it went.” I lifted my eyes to Kevin’s. He nodded solemnly. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Is that enough?” I asked him. He took a deep breath in response, glancing down at his clipboard before back up at me.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“If you want it to be.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. I don’t have anything more to say about them.” I nodded, folding my arms over my stomach and trying to ignore the pain from my fingers. I watched Kevin pick up the clipboard once again and start writing something before he spoke.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You faced it. Now do the rest.” He said, eyeing me over the top of his clipboard. I groaned.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I accept them for the pieces of shit they are. I recognize the significance they had on my life which was not at all how they </span>
  <em>
    <span>intended</span>
  </em>
  <span> but overall, I grew beyond them. I feel nothing other than shame and </span>
  <span>embarrassment</span>
  <span>--”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Olivia.” Kevin scolded, halting his pen to stare at me.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I feel nothing, what do you want me to say? I wish they were different, but I’ll probably never get along with them and its fine, I don’t care anymore. I used to when I was with Goblin because I thought they were all I had but I don’t anymore.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve let them go. I have a family now, a better one.” I finished with a huff just as Kevin finished writing and set the clipboard down on his lap. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Congratulations. That’s one down.”</span>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0053"><h2>53. Equilibrium</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“I know Halloween </span>
  <span>kinda</span>
  <span> sucked and I’m really sorry for it, but maybe we can do something fun today.” Niki smiled gently at me as she drove us back over the bridge. I looked out the window at the slowly moving clouds that filled the sky. I swear, every day so far was as dreary as I felt. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure.” I agreed halfheartedly. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay... what are we thinking? Maybe bowling? Or dinner somewhere nice?” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I tilted my head toward her, watching her tuck her brunette locks behind her ear as she focused on the road in front of us. Her ears held many piercings from the lobe to the upper helix. Tiny diamonds and butterfly jewels stuck in her skin, sparkling at me.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I know you don’t want to hear it, but I'm genuinely sorry for everything. You deserved that record deal, not to get stuck taking care of me.” I said, catching her off guard. Her smile faded and her real feelings flashed across her face. She looked sad. She pushed it down quickly, looking away from me.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re right, I don’t want to hear it cause you have nothing to be sorry for.” She said, lifting her hand from the steering wheel to reach over for mine. I held her hand and squeezed to let her know I meant it. She squeezed back but didn’t look back over at me again. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Anyway, what are we doing?” She changed the subject just as we got off the bridge. I knew she wouldn’t linger on the subject, but as long as she knew how I felt, I would let her move on.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“My nails are kinda fucked up,” I frowned, holding my hands up to my face and inspecting the torn skin around my nailbeds. “Maybe we can--?”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes!”</span>
  
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There wasn’t much the poor nail tech could do for me. Any kind of product too close to the wounds on my fingers hurt like hell so she painted as gently as she could, often times not even covering the entire nail for fear of getting the polish too close. I went with gray for the gloomy weather outside and my newly found emo phase. Niki chose neon yellow. My fingernails were cut short to prevent me from fucking with my cuticles again and the nail tech scolded me viciously about it.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>When we got back to the apartment, we agreed on take out and a movie. She ordered pizza and I picked out the movie. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It went alright. I tried to focus on the movie but my thoughts kept getting pulled back to earlier this morning when I was telling Kevin about my parents. I remember not so long ago missing my mom and wishing I could fly home to see her, but that was only in comparison to life with Goblin. Anything would've been a better option. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I was watching a guy get cut in half by a chainsaw on screen when Niki groaned beside me.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck, I’m out.” She grimaced, looking away from the TV and picking up her plate to take to the kitchen.  I grinned at her reaction and continued chewing on the crust of my 2</span>
  <span>nd</span>
  <span> slice. Joji didn’t have a weak stomach, he could handle stuff like this. He’d probably laugh.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Niki returned, plopping down on the couch beside me and turning away from the TV to scroll through her phone instead. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“So, I was thinking...” I began slowly, watching Niki’s eyes shift up toward my face.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“No, you can't have a dog.” She glared at me and then back down at her phone. I scoffed at her reaction before sitting up and tossing the rest of my pizza crust on top of the box. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s not what I was going to ask, but go ahead and keeps scarring me!” I feigned hurt, jutting my lip out. “You know, for some people an emotional support puppy--”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Niki looks utterly unamused as she pulled the phone away from her face and held her hand up in the space between us.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What were you actually thinking?” She rolled her eyes at me. I smiled a little at the banter, it reminded me of the boy’s frequent squabbles.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve been thinking about my parents a lot and how I wanted my life to be when I first moved out here.” I watched her eyes staring into mine as she listened to me. “I tried to go to school but... shit happened and I dropped out after my first year. I always wanted to back but I felt stuck.” I admitted, feeling embarrassed by the confession. Of course, she probably knew exactly what ‘shit’ I meant, but she didn’t linger on that detail. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“That sounds like a good idea, Liv. What were you going for?” She asked curiously. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I was taking courses for a business major. Finance, microeconomics, ethics... shit like that.” I folded my arms over my pulled up knees. “I wanted to maybe own a store of my own or something.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>At one point, after I’d given up on school and was working at the coffee shop, I thought maybe I could still achieve my goal by moving up within the company. I wouldn’t own the store, exactly, but I could at least move up to a management position and thrive there. Maybe I’d be happy with that.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Dude that’s so awesome, how come you never told me?” She grinned, looking genuinely excited by my words. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I kinda gave up on it for a bit. But, now that my main deterrent is gone, I was thinking about going back.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s an amazing idea, please, yes, do that!” She threw her arms around me, pulling me into a tight, loving hug, despite the brutal screams and chainsaw sounds on the TV in front of us. I nodded against her shoulder and hugged her back. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I felt like I might cry—always cause I'm a big baby—because her attitude towards school was so different than what I was used to. I wondered what Joji would think. I mean, I’m sure he’d be alright with whatever I wanted to do but... would he be as genuinely excited at Niki seemed to be?</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Niki pulled away from me and began talking rapidly about college and how we could begin enrolling as soon as possible since the fall semester had already started and I was behind. I smiled because I felt her energy radiating through the room.</span>
  
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I guess Kevin was right, unfortunately. I was the only one keeping myself from George. I would need to prove I’m stable again before they reintroduce the ‘stress’ that caused it in the first place. It hardly made sense to me considering it wasn’t necessarily George who upset me, but rather the recent events that already sensitized me, making me feel guilty, anxious and paranoid. Then combined with something as intense as sex when I was already going through a lot mentally. I don’t know, that’s just what they told me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I don’t want to be away from him anymore, so I will do what I need to in order to see him again. Kevin said I wouldn’t need to talk about certain things if I didn’t want, just as long as we could work them out so they aren't bothering me anymore. I don’t see how that’s possible but then again, I’ve never seen a 6-foot man shriek at a spider before until I met him. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The next day I looked up nearby colleges and found one 20 minutes away on the West side that supposedly had a good business program. It was a pain in the ass gathering all of my paperwork; digging through my stuff for my birth certificate and calling my old college for my transcript so I could </span>
  <span>transfer</span>
  <span> my credits, but I got it done with. I applied, submitted all of the paperwork I needed, and made an appointment with an advisor to enroll me in classes. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It was all very exciting and at the end of the day I felt like I really accomplished something I’d been putting off for a really long time. Like scratching a decade long itch.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“While we’re working on those sore spots, we’re also going to work on self-improvement.” Kevin said as he sat down with his usual mug of tea. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I actually did something!” I sat up on the opposite couch from him. He sat down, looking at me curiously.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I decided to go back to school.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Really? That’s great! That’s exactly what I’m talking about.” He smiled and wrote it down on his clipboard. I nodded.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“If it’s alright, Olivia,” Kevin said as he finished up writing and looked up at me. “I’d like to talk about your goals for the future.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Surprisingly, I was eager to talk about my hopes and goals. Probably because I knew what else we could be talking about and I greatly preferred this. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I left Kevin’s office with Niki that morning feeling really good. I talked his ear off for an hour about school and the possibilities for jobs that I could have with a degree. If I never ended up owning my own business, I could at least be hired immediately as a manager or an accountant or a financial analyst. Those careers are only ever going to keep expanding and the idea had me excited and hopeful.  </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I could do this; I could turn it around and see George and even help myself in the process. You can't love someone else until you love yourself, right?</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Niki and I were driving back home and I was feeling pretty alright about today. I sat in the passenger side, thinking about the bookstore idea I had earlier this year. A cute little bookstore on the corner that buys old books, refurbishes them, and sells them back for a couple quarters. That sounds really nice. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I’d have to quit working for Ethan eventually... but it’s not like I’d never get to see my friends or Joji again. It would just be sad to say goodbye to that job that brought me so much. I mean, getting it literally changed my life so... </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I frowned as I realized I was here thinking about myself and not about anyone else. I’m sure Joji and Niki would love to quit their jobs if they’d gotten that deal, which they most definitely would have. If only there was some way I could fix all of this and rid myself of some guilt in the process. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe instead of a bookstore I’d open my own record label? I don’t know anything about music or the industry... in fact, would I need music background instead? Maybe Joji would be willing to co-own it or something. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I wish Sean would just--</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Ugh. Again?” Niki clicked her tongue in annoyance after glancing down at her ringing cellphone. I returned my attention to her, catching the look of distaste on her pursed lips as she stared straight ahead at the road. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What? Who is it?” I asked her, glancing at her still shrilling cell phone that had an unfamiliar phone number on the screen. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“That douchey guy Brian. I hung out with him that one night and now he calls all the damn time.” She shook her head and slowed to a stop at a red light. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Brian like Sean’s Brian?” I urged her as soon as the lightbulb in my head lit up. I grabbed onto her arm, catching her off guard at my sudden energy.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Er... yeah. Why?” Niki pulled back a little and her eyes shot from mine to my hands on her arm and back over to the red light in a single second. I let go of her arm and looked at her seriously.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I need you to do me a favor.”</span>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0054"><h2>54. Modus Vivendi</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Are you sure this is a good idea?” </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> pulled her seatbelt off, letting it fly back before she stepped out of the car. I followed suit, getting out of the passenger side swiftly and shutting the door behind me. I looked up at the three-story brownstone in front of us and squinted.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course I am.” I nodded confidently, walking up the small stoop to the door and buzzing for the only apartment on the top floor. The tenant was quick to reply, sending a buzz back down that opened the front door of the building. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> and I made our way inside, climbing the stairs until we met a door on the third floor and knocked. A pause and two heartbeats later and the door swung open. The kid moved smoothly, immediately leaning all of his weight against one side of the doorframe and slapping on a slick smirk.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve </span>
  <span>gotta</span>
  <span> be honest, honey. I’m not surprised to see you here </span>
  <span>tryna</span>
  <span> get you some more Rich </span>
  <span>Ch</span>
  <span>--” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I sighed, pushing on his tank top covered chest and forcing his eyes open. I moved past him and </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> followed, grinning wickedly. Brian looked confused to see me there as he was only expecting </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> but his shocked expression smoothed over easily.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh hey. </span>
  <span>Joji’s</span>
  <span> girlfriend, right? What are you doing here?” He spoke normally, dropping that fake hood accent he was trying to appropriate. I </span>
  <span>visibly cringed, clamping my teeth together </span>
  <span>but </span>
  <span>nodded</span>
  <span>. I </span>
  <span>look</span>
  <span>ed </span>
  <span>around at his apartment</span>
  <span>, unable to make direct eye contact anymore</span>
  <span>. It was large, certainly larger than the boys’ or </span>
  <span>Niki’s</span>
  <span>. I doubted Sean was already making any headway with his record label so I wondered why Brian was already so well off.... unless it was daddy’s money.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry to ambush you like this, Brian, but I need to get in touch with Sean.” I watched him shut the door of his apartment and scratch at his scrawny, pale chest as he listened to me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Sean Miyashiro? Oh shit... uh... </span>
  <span>hm</span>
  <span>, I haven't heard from that dude in a couple weeks. I think he might be in Japan.” Brian’s eyes left mine to wander </span>
  <span>Niki’s</span>
  <span> body beside me and his serious expression was taken over by a slight smirk. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you have his phone number? Or an address for his office? Anything?” I urged his attention back and he looked back up dumbly. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh yeah, for sure. Let me go find my phone.” He turned around and disappeared around the corner. I looked at </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> who rose an eyebrow at me. She wasn’t very confident but I was. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>A minute or two later he returned with his phone and stopped in front of us again.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah so here it is, ready?” He asked. I actually didn’t have my phone since Niki took it after the doctor suggested keeping me away from any way of communicating with George or being able to listen to or see him in any of his ‘mediums’. </span>
  <span>AKA YouTube</span>
  <span> or Soundcloud. I looked at Niki expectantly and she rolled her eyes but pulled her phone out anyway.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Brian relayed Sean’s phone number and address to us and thanked him for his help as we made our way out the door.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait! Uh...” Brian called, looking longingly at </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span>. I glanced between the both of them and decided to keep walking down the steps to give them some privacy. I heard quiet whispers and a sigh that was undoubtedly </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> before she eventually joined me downstairs.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What was that about?”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I have a date on Friday.” She hissed, furrowing her brows as she grumpily pushed open the doors to the outside world but I knew she was secretly excited when her mouth twitched in the corner, struggling to form a smile.</span>
  
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m </span>
  <span>gonna</span>
  <span> go in alone.” I told her outside </span>
  <span>of Sean’s office building. I looked up at the </span>
  <span>red brick building that looked like any other apartment and then back at </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span>. She pursed her lips.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You really don’t have to do any of this, you know. He might not even be there.” She tried to persuade me the entire drive over to just let it go. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Sean had stopped calling for a reason, he obviously wasn’t </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>interested</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>, </span>
  </em>
  <span>George had said to me once</span>
  <em>
    <span>. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Well I was going to make him interested. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Trust me, this is as much for me as it is for the both of you</span>
  <span>. I have to try.”</span>
  <span> I assured her. And it was. If I could somehow renegotiate a deal with Sean</span>
  <span> and get </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> and George’s </span>
  <span>ruined opportunity back, it would be a </span>
  <span>massively curative feat</span>
  <span> for me.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>She nodded as she watched me leave her car and approach the building. Outside the door was a</span>
  <span> directory </span>
  <span>for the businesses inside and under office number 4 was Sean’s name. I entered without the need for a buzz in and took the </span>
  <span>elevator up. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It felt like any other professional office building, complete with framed inspirational quotes and fake potted plants at every corner. I walked down the hall until I saw a door with number 4 on a plaque outside of it. I wasn’t entirely sure if I should knock or just walk in like it was any other business so I tried the handle first and to my surprise it was indeed unlocked.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I pushed the door open and was immediately met with a receptionist desk but no receptionist. I looked over the edge expecting to see a computer, files, anything, but there was nothing. I moved around the desk to step into the main ‘waiting room’ area around the corner. There were a couple black leather couches, a water cooler, some framed art, and a record player that was not being currently used but that was it. The office was so bare at the moment I briefly wondered if Sean really </span>
  <em>
    <span>was </span>
  </em>
  <span>even here. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The sound of a muffled voice behind one of the doors down the hallway both spooked me and made me sigh in relief, however. I made my way down the hall, listening to the voice as it grew in volume until I had stopped right in front of the door that had ‘Sean Miyashiro’ decorated in peel off gold letters on the wooden door. I knocked twice with my knuckles and the voice abruptly stopped.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It was quite for a moment and an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach made me want to rethink this entire idea but there was no going back now. It was just the anxiety talking; I could do this. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The door creaked open and a pair of dark brown eyes met mine from around the door frame.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I help you?” he sounded genuinely confused and I knew then that he didn’t recognize me from the club or the audition. Maybe that was a good thing. I plastered on a smile.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi, Sean, right? My name is Olivia and I just w--” I was interrupted by the sinking look on his face that went from confusion to recognition in a single second.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, yes. I remember you.” He said, looking at me with narrowing eyes. I kept the smile on my face. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah… so I just came to talk. I know things </span>
  <span>kinda</span>
  <span> ended on bad terms last time but I really think--"</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Bad terms? I lost </span>
  <span>two</span>
  <span> of my </span>
  <span>elusive </span>
  <span>business partners! They had never seen anything so unprofessional and </span>
  <span>I can’t even imagine how damaged my reputation among the music industry is now.” He moaned, </span>
  <span>a look of sadness crossing his features.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Right. That’s actually my fault. The entire thing was</span>
  <span> because of me </span>
  <span>and I’m so incredibly sorry, sir. </span>
  <span>I take full responsibility for what happened so please don’t blame yourself or anyone else.” I pleaded with him, </span>
  <span>trying to </span>
  <span>declare how genuinely sorry I was. He eyed me warily and pulled the door back a little more though not </span>
  <span>completely.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re George's girl, aren’t you?” He asked me, unknowingly sending an arrow piercing through my lungs. I tried not to flinch again like I did at Brian’s but </span>
  <span>pursed my lips and nodded.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes sir.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Did he send you here?” </span>
  <span>He didn’t seem mad or suspicious as he asked the question, more just curious. I shook my head.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“He has no idea I’m here.”</span>
  <span> I answered honestly. He nodded, looking contemplative before finally opening the door wide. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Come in. I’m just finishing up a very important business call.” </span>
  <span>Sean said, leaving the door open for me as he walked into his office. I followed excitedly, taking a seat in one of the armchairs in front of his desk. I watched him pick up his phone and turn around to face </span>
  <span>the window behind him.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, this is Sean. I’ll have to call you back.” He said into the receiver of his cell phone. I tapped my fingers on my lap</span>
  <span> and looked around while I waited for him to finish.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes….</span>
  <span>y</span>
  <span>es….</span>
  <span>o</span>
  <span>kay….alright….</span>
  <em>
    <span> Love you too mom, </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>buh</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span> bye</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
  <span> Sean whispered not quietly enough into the phone before he put it back down on the desk. He looked a bit red in the face but moved on quickly. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>I must admit, I’m a big fan of George’s. After Brian introduced me to him I began listening to some of his work </span>
  <span>and I really like </span>
  <span>his style.” Sean said, taking a </span>
  <span>seat</span>
  <span> behind his desk and lifting up </span>
  <span>the lid of his laptop. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“He is extremely talented.” I agreed, </span>
  <span>sitting up straight. </span>
  <span>Sean typed into his computer before looking back at me</span>
  <span>.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Which is why I was so upset by how the meeting with my investors went.” He said </span>
  <span>grimly; his mouth pulling into a tight line. </span>
  <span>My face dropped a little and I nodded. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I understand that, me </span>
  <span>too. But </span>
  <span>that’s why </span>
  <span>I’m here to ask you to give him and </span>
  <span>Niki</span>
  <span> another chance. They don’t </span>
  <span>deserve to lose out on </span>
  <span>signing</span>
  <span> to </span>
  <span>your record label</span>
  <span> because of me.” I plead</span>
  <span> desperately. Sean sighed, looking back at his computer and squinting at it. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>I’d be taking another huge risk.”</span>
  <span> He slid his hand down his face, letting his cheek come to rest </span>
  <span>smooshed against his p</span>
  <span>alm. </span>
  <span>“If I did manage to find another investor and George blew it, I’d be completely screwed.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“He won't, I promise!” I teetered on the edge of my seat, looking at him with a wide smile. He furrowed his brow into a grimace.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t say yes.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>My smile faded quickly. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m trying to start my own label. I want to bring Asian artists to mainstream America, you know? I’m going to make the Vice for Asian culture! That’s never </span>
  <span>gonna</span>
  <span> happen though, if I get involved in controversial, problematic personalities like George. I have Brian, he’s a good kid.” The bullshit that spewed from Sean’s mouth made my face completely fall. I let out a single dry laugh and sat </span>
  <span>forward </span>
  <span>in my seat.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You were willing to sign George knowing his past before. What’s the difference now?” I squinted my eyes as I peered at him. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“That was before he ruined my relationship with two of the most powerful investors in the industry!” Sean’s head fell in his hands as I frowned at his response. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>I’m sorry for that but I </span>
  <span>told you it--" </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“With any luck we’ll make a big name out of Brian and he’ll go mainstream and on radio waves in the next two or three years.” Sean said, mostly to himself, as he went back to his computer to type something. In a childish display of irritation, I puffed my cheeks and glared at him. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Listen, Brian is nice and all but he doesn’t have the talent or the audience Joji does and you know it.” My words recaptured Sean’s attention and he looked at me with wide eyes. “Working with George would be the best decision you’ve ever made in your life because I promise </span>
  <span>you,</span>
  <span> he’s going places with or without you.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I stood, </span>
  <span>maintaining eye contact with Sean.  </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“So, if we’re being honest, you need him more than he needs you. Good luck with your label.” I stepped around the chair, finally breaking eye contact with him as I turned to leave. The conversation was over. I didn’t expect anything further from Sean as I made my way to the door so I was taken back when he called out to me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait!” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I turned with my hand on the door knob, already halfway out of his office. My eyes met his </span>
  <span>wide</span>
  <span>, frantic ones. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, okay! Fine.” He held his hands up and waved them wildly in the air. “I know you’re right, I’m just nervous, alright? That audition was a big deal for me too and it went so fucking badly that I’m afraid any more incidents like that will completely ruin my reputation.” Sean sighed, dropping his hands to his head and pulling off his scruffy beanie. My hand left the doorknob and I turned to face him fully again. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Joji will make a huge name for himself and if you’re the one working with him when he does, I can only imagine your reputation will flourish.” I noted, watching him scrub at the scattered black stubble on his jaw. He nodded, looking lost in deep thought. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>As I was about to turn to leave again, Sean spoke up. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I might know of another couple of investors.” It sounded almost as if he was speaking to himself rather than me but I listened anyway as my hope spiked. He looked at me, pushing his cheek up with his fingertips. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“So, you’ll consider offering him another chance?” I asked slowly, not trying to jump the gun again but feeling elation at the prospect that I’d somehow convinced him. Sean tilted his head to one side and hummed.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Ye--”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Niki too?” I interrupted, holding my hand out in front of me cautiously like I was approaching a wild animal. Sean sighed and closed his eyes before nodding. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure.” He agreed, opening his dark eyes again to look at me. I grinned, sitting back down in the chair in front of his desk. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You will not regret your decision, Sean.” I pressed three fingers to my head in a scout’s solute and watched a smile slowly rise to his face. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I know I won't, I’ve always had a good feeling about George.” He nodded, sitting up straight in his chair and extending his hand to me.</span>
  
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well? How did it go?” Niki urged me when I hopped in the passenger seat. I shrugged, refusing to look at her as I slid my seatbelt over my body. She waited until I was done but when I didn’t reply further, her wide, curious eyes turned sad.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I figured.” She sighed, looking away finally. The engine roared to life and Niki was just about to shift into drive when I grabbed her hand. She looked at me with a small pout and sadness in her eyes.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“He said yes.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>One... two... three...</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” She mumbled, looking me in the eyes. The smile I’d struggled to contain was released onto my face as I watched the realization hit her. Her eyes widened and mouth dropped open, letting out an </span>
  <span>ear-piercing</span>
  <span> shriek so loud I jerked back and covered my ears with my hands.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re lying!” She screamed, grabbing both of my arms and forcing them down. I shook my head. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not lying. I gave him your number and email, he said he’d be in contact with you and Joji by tonight.” I held her arms as she held mine and we stared at each other in silence. Tears flooded her face as she began to cry and laugh at the same time.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I-I can't believe it.” She sobbed, dropping her head in the space between us. I shook her lightly, calling her attention back.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, we’re </span>
  <span>gonna</span>
  <span> nail the next audition, right?” I grinned as I watched her raise her head with closed eyes. Her eyelashes stuck to her face, soaked with tears that kept pouring down. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>She nodded frantically and gave a shaky laugh. </span>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0055"><h2>55. Pull Me Under</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Early Friday morning I met with an advisor at my chosen school and signed up for second half of the fall semester starting mid-November. Classes were broken down into 10 week periods per semester so although I’d missed enrollment for the first half, I still had time for the second which would be starting in the two weeks. As exciting as it was, it was equally as nerve wracking. Getting your shit together has a way of making you feel good and bad at the same time. Yes, I was going back to school like I’d always wanted but on the other hand, the anger and guilt associated with letting myself fall behind rose in the background.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I battled those emotions and every other one that rose up this week in therapy. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I realized not long after breaking the exciting news to Niki in the car that I would not be present for Joji’s reaction to it. That killed me inside and I did cry about it in bed that night. As promised, Sean called Niki to begin planning a makeup audition and while I was ecstatic for her, I only wished I could be with Joji during his call. I’d been sitting on the couch with her when her phone lit up not long after the call with Sean and her called ID read ‘George Miller’. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>That sucked too.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>She’d glanced at me and gave a sympathetic smile before carrying her phone to her room with her and closing the door. All she told me afterward is that he was happy. I gave a halfhearted smile in an attempt to seem okay but my arms moved to wrap themselves around my body without me even noticing and sold me out. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>But... anyway...</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The same day as my meeting, Friday, at 10am I met with Kevin. I told him about my success with Sean and school. As silly as it was, having someone to tell other than Niki was kind of nice. Kevin cared, of course, since it was his job and praised me for my hard work. I didn’t care so much about his approval so much as I did about his notes on my achievements that would be handed over to the doctor along with his recommendation that I could see George and be finished with therapy. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Does George know you were behind it?” He asked as he sat across me in his usual spot. I shook my head.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know but I doubt it.” I shrugged, leaning into the arm of the couch. “I don’t care for him to know it was me anyway, all that matters is that he got a second chance. I’m hoping the distance between us right now helps him focus, if anything.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Kevin nodded, raising an eyebrow and scribbling notes onto his clipboard.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s interesting. Are you accepting the distance as a positive right now?” He questioned as he dropped his pen in exchange for his cup of tea. I sighed, staring at the cliffside photo behind him.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I know what you want to hear but I don’t want to give it to you so I’m </span>
  <span>gonna</span>
  <span> say no.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s fine, I already know the answer.” He retorted, setting the cup back down after taking a cautious sip of the steaming liquid. I nodded, letting him humor himself so long as I didn’t have to admit to the fact that I did recognize the positives of distance. There weren't many and if I could, I’d end it right now, but for the moment, it was okay. Giving Joji peace to work on his music and ready himself for the audition is probably the only thing I can give him right now, and that didn’t make me feel so bad. No one would be there to ruin his chances again. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you want to keep going with the rest of your tribulations?” Kevin asked quietly, knowing full well I didn’t. I groaned, pulling the sleeves of my sweatshirt over my fists and wrapping my arounds around my body. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“No.” I frowned. I could easily avoid this today if I really wanted to, but it only meant putting off the inevitable and that I was not okay with. He waited patiently, giving me time to think before giving him my real answer.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess.” I swallowed hard as I thought about my last three topics and whether or not I should pick a difficult one next or allow myself an easier day. I chose to talk about Joji, in theme with the rest of my news today and the easiest of the three.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Whenever you’re ready.” He said calmly, setting his clipboard down on the coffee table. I stared at the steam that rose from his cup and thought about George. The steam reminded me of smoke. My heart clenched when I thought about just how much I missed him and his stinky cigarettes. Granted, I had the pack I hid in my room but it was like getting a drop of water compared to the real thing. I missed watching him smoke on the rooftop. The way he looked out at the shining city lights while he inhaled and the bright red tip of the cigarette glowed briefly. The beautiful smoke that curled and rose when he exhaled before drifting into the sky and disappearing altogether. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I miss his tired eyes and the crinkles when he smiled and laughed. I miss his laughter, short and lively, that always put a smile on my face. His sarcastic quips to a stupid question and his disturbingly extensive knowledge on disgusting internet treasures. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Most of all I think I missed his warmth, both inside and out. The way he could turn anything horrible into something funny and positive. Joji is good with that. I remembered the night I found Goblin cheating and how Joji had wasted no time pulling out his ukulele to play a song that would make me laugh. I remember his face at the aquarium when we were bombarded by teenagers that interrupted our would’ve been kiss. He was disappointed and hurt when one of them broke the news about Frank to me, but still he showed kindness by taking photos and talking to anyone who wanted his attention. That light that radiated from him in his actions and words was what I missed more than anything. It was bright and warm, and that’s why he is sunlight. A bright, hot, ball of rambunctious fire that lights my life and keeps me pulling me around his orbit. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I love him more than words could describe and the heartbreak I felt in that moment nearly tore me apart again because I know how much I hurt him. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It’s only a matter of time, you hear me? You’re nothing but fucking trouble and when he dumps your ass you’ll regret ever leaving--!</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Nothing but trouble.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I growled and squeezed my eyes shut when those torturous words filled my mind for the millionth time. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He wasn’t right. George didn’t leave me and I’m not trouble. Trouble just followed me, but now it was gone. My being here on this couch was my commitment to ridding my life of the trouble for good.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I started with a deep breath.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not so much the person as it is what I did with them.” I wrung my wrist with fingers nervously before I moved to tugging at the hem of my sweatshirt. The guilt still lingered inside me but I hoped talking it out would rid me of it or at the very least, lessen it. I shouldn’t feel guilty anyway but it was against my nature to not feel bad about something I did wrong.  </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I started an affair with George while I was with someone else.” I admitted out loud. Kevin already knew this, of course. I’d told him about it before but it still hurt to say the words. When he didn’t respond, I continued.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I harbor a lot of guilt even though I feel like I shouldn’t. He did the same thing if not worse and he doesn’t feel bad so why should I?” It was a rhetorical question of course. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“All the things Goblin ever called me feel true now. Maybe I’m a self-fulfilling prophecy but I feel like a whore.” I frowned and pulled at a string that poked out from the fabric of my sweatshirt. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I think the first step you need to take is coming to terms with your actions. You need to accept that you did what you did and you can't take it back, right?” Kevin asked gently. I nodded while I stared at the never-ending string I was pulling on. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I know.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Finding peace with our decisions can be extremely difficult, but on the bright side, those actions led you to finding something really great.” He said as he clicked at the top of his pen over and over again. He’s referring to Joji and he’s right. I nodded in agreement. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“So, forgive yourself. You did something wrong but it was a human mistake. Take it and learn from it.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>When he finished, we sat in silence. I thought over his words and tried to apply his </span>
  <span>5 step</span>
  <span> walkthrough to my mistakes. Accepting my mistakes was easy; I knew that despite it only being a kiss, I still betrayed someone emotionally as well. I wouldn’t linger on the details of his betrayal to me because that wasn’t important right now. I can't take back what I did but I can move on from it. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I thought on the feeling of guilt. How it felt as it sat inside me, feeling like a ball that weighed me down and weakened me. Shame and regret swirled around with it. I never wanted to feel this again. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>My eyes slid closed and I took a few deep breaths while urging myself to feel the full extent of my hurt. I knew how it felt to be on the other end and it was the shittiest feeling in the world. He would've been hurt too. We hurt each other.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The final step was to let go or </span>
  <em>
    <span>find peace,</span>
  </em>
  <span> as Kevin put it. My decision to give in to my interest in Joji hurt someone but at the same time, I would never take it back. He’s the love of my life and I met him while I was with someone else. I probably could’ve handled the situation better but I wouldn’t regret the decision to kiss him or love him. My heart fluttered as the memories of our first kiss on the rooftop under the stars came to mind. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I don’t know if it was okay to do because Kevin didn’t say to do it, but I silently apologized to Goblin for the hurt I caused him. I would soon need to delve deep into how he hurt me but for now, I took the moment to make peace with his imaginary self in my head.</span>
  
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I actually feel better, Nik.” I told Niki when I left Kevin’s office. She stood from the chair in the waiting room, tossing her magazine to the side and smiling widely at me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m so happy to hear that!” She rubbed my arm and led me outside to the car. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The feeling was completely gone, not even mostly, but the little relief from the weight I felt actually made a difference. I could breathe just a little easier. </span>
  
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I took two pills with dinner. Two in the morning and two at night as needed. Niki made sure to watch me every time to make sure I wasn’t fake swallowing, to which I rolled my eyes. We sat together over a spaghetti dinner that Niki almost burnt. The ground turkey was a tad overcooked and a little bland but it wasn’t bad in general and I thanked her gratefully for the meal. She was still practicing and the only reason she even bothered was for me, so I couldn’t complain. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>We were halfway through dinner when a knock at the door halted our conversation. We looked at each other and while her eyes showed concern, mine shone with excitement. I grinned </span>
  <span>mischievously</span>
  <span> at her before bolting from my chair and racing to the door.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Olivia, </span>
  <span>godddamnit</span>
  <span>! Ow!” Niki yelled. I looked back when I made it to the door to see that she had tripped over her chair and was crawling towards me with a glare. I stuck my tongue out at her and unlocked the door while she protested in the back. I wasn’t allowed to answer the door in case it was George, but that’s only if she could beat me to it.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I pulled the door open eagerly and was met with two familiar faces. I felt two strong emotions at once. Joy at seeing Max and Ian standing in front of me because I missed them greatly over the last month; as well as disappointment when I realized the missing component to their trio was missing. The one I wanted to see the most. I’m sure my smile dropped from my face and that was what made Max glance over at Ian and Ian clear his throat.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey Liv. How </span>
  <span>ya</span>
  <span> doing?” He smiled kindly, like he was greeting a stranger. I struggled to put the smile back on my face but it wavered. Niki finally came up behind me, moving to stand to my right. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Good.” I replied simply as the sadness overcame me again. I took a deep breath and looked over at the shorter boy beside Ian who looked just as nervous to be there as his friend did. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi Max, long time no see.” I smiled at him, which he returned. His hair was shorter than last I saw him and actually looked combed through for once. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re telling me. Game nights </span>
  <span>ain’t</span>
  <span> the same without you.” He looked cautious and sympathetic but I chose to ignore it, instead pulling him into a hug that he didn't hesitate to return. I moved to Ian next, wrapping a single arm around his scrawny body and hugging him. He pat my back three times.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, it’s not nearly as fun kicking Max’s ass over and over in Mortal Kombat as it is yours.” Ian agreed. I pushed him away playfully.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You won literally once! I could destroy you, try me.” I challenged him with a grin which he and Max both returned. The familiar comfort I felt around my friends returned so quickly it almost made me emotional but I pushed that shit down. We </span>
  <span>weren't</span>
  <span> about to start that right now.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Dude, mashing the buttons as fast as you can in random order does not count as skill.” Ian scoffed at me, making Max laugh out loud. I grinned.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, yeah, you’re just mad my technique works even though it shouldn’t.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Niki pulled Ian and Max inside before sticking her head out into the hall and looking around. I followed them to the living room as we continued our conversation but kept my eyes on Niki behind Ian’s head. She closed the door and rejoined our conversation, though I didn’t miss the look of uncertainty in her eyes. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“--yeah and they released a new pack with a new killer and survivor.” Max pulled out his phone and typed quickly before shoving the screen in my face. I took it, taking in the information he’d just </span>
  <span>provided</span>
  <span> me and </span>
  <span>examining</span>
  <span> the proof. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Freddy Krueger?” I asked in surprise, looking up at the boys who nodded excitedly. I looked back down at Max’s phone at the photo once more before handing it back. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yep! He can put you to sleep and you have to either fail a skill check or have someone wake you up to get away. You should’ve seen how Ian screamed like a little girl when Freddy fucked his ass up right at the gate!” Max was practically bouncing in his seat meanwhile Ian shot him a dirty look. I laughed.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck you! I didn’t scream.” He grumped, shrinking further into the couch. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, oh! And it comes with a new map!” Max added, taking both of my arms in his hands and shaking me until I was dizzy. I giggled at his excitement and for a brief moment, everything felt normal again. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Niki came around the couch to stand behind me with her arms folded like critical parent. From the corner of my vision, I caught Ian looking up at her from behind me and nodding slightly. Max continued speaking about his game frantically, but my attention was focused more on reading Ian’s changing facial expressions. It was obvious Niki was communicating silently to him, likely mouthing her words. Ian’s brows furrowed and he nodded once more before dropping </span>
  <span>his gaze</span>
  <span> to the floor. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I wonder if she told him to leave. I didn’t want them to leave.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“--fucking memento </span>
  <span>mori’d</span>
  <span> me two feet away from the hatch!” Max screamed bitterly. I laughed lightly, shifting my focus back to him. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“That sucks man.” I offered my condolence while Max shook his head and grimaced. Ian slapped Max on the back.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Get over it. So anyway, I think we should be heading out. It’s almost time for work.” Ian sighed, standing from the couch and looking expectantly at Max who groaned. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine. I'm really looking forward to the next game night, O.” Max ruffled my hair and gave me a thumbs up after he stood and followed Ian around the couch. I stood as well, glancing at Niki who was watching the boys head toward the door. I had a chance so I took it. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey wait,” I called to Ian, following him up to the apartment door. “I know I’m not supposed to ask, but--”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s alright, I promise.” Ian interrupted me with a weak smile. Anxiety seeped through my body, creeping up from the bottom of my stomach to my throat. I swallowed thickly and nodded. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Just hanging in there?” I questioned, reciting his words to me the last time I asked. He looked confused for a </span>
  <span>brief</span>
  <span> moment before realization met him and the corner of his mouth twitched.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Right, I should be more careful with my words around you, huh?” He teased lightly. I swayed my head from shoulder to should to say ‘more or less’. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He looked up at Niki who was standing behind me and sighed. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t see any harm in relieving you of your worries about George so I’ll say this: he really is doing alright. No, he’s not the greatest he’s ever been, just like you, but he’s channeling a lot of how he’s feeling into his music right now and let me tell you, it's pretty incredible. Much better than some of the garbage he’s put out before.” He smirked and reached for the doorknob. His words brought a small smile to my face and I nodded.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, Ian. I just... I also just want to tell you how sorry I am for breaking my promise to you. I told you I wouldn’t hurt him but … I did.” I watched him warily. His mouth pulled a tight line and he shook his head. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I meant it more in a ‘maid of honor’s’ speech sort of way.” He huffed a laugh. “Shit is going to happen and hurting each other is unavoidable but you didn’t break his heart; he’s still annoyingly obsessed with you and waiting for you like a fucking puppy.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah like the bloody fucking dog from Futurama.” Max added with a laugh. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Jesus fucking Christ, please never say that again!” I cried, shoving both boys away while they laughed at me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“But seriously, don’t hold onto it. None of us are.” Ian concluded, clapping his hand on my shoulder and waving goodbye to Niki as he and Max took their leave. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I felt a small weight lift from my shoulders along with their departure. No one was mad at me and they still wanted to be my friend. I broke my promise but no one cared about that more than they cared about my wellbeing and I honestly don’t know why I ever questioned them in the first place.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>More importantly, I knew Joji was waiting for me and working on his craft. I couldn’t wait to be able to see him again and apologize for everything; though I had a feeling he’d be just like our friends and have already forgiven me. </span>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0056"><h2>56. Run</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><b> Trigger Warning: Self Harm </b> </p><p><b> -------------------------------------------------------------- </b> </p><p>“Are you ready?” </p><p>“I can't confidently say I am, no.”  </p><p>Kevin walked back to his chair across from me with his hot mug of tea in one hand and his clipboard in the other. He smiled wryly as he sat down and settled into his seat. The steaming mug was placed on a coaster on the table between us.  </p><p>“Well you said you were ready to get this over with but if you want to wait another month then be my guest.” He said jokingly, making me frown.  </p><p>“No, no, I want to get it over with but I don’t know if I’m ready to talk about this in particular.” I admitted, looking to the left where the window of Kevin’s office let in a ton of light. I could see the blue sky peeking out between thin clouds that moved slowly across the sky. </p><p>“You don’t have to talk about certain things but in order to ensure none of this happens again, we need to work through most of it. We can go back to simpler exercises again if you’d like.” He offered to which I shook my head. </p><p>“This isn't going to go away just by me talking about it.” I mumbled, looking back at him. </p><p>“You’re right, but it’s one step closer to getting better.” He nodded in agreement as he picked up the mug once again and blew on the steaming surface. I knew he was right but it didn’t make how I felt about talking about Goblin any better. I let out a deep breath through my nose and nodded as well. I brought my legs up on the couch with me, tucking one under the other and getting myself comfortable before we got into this. </p><p>Kevin sipped quietly on his tea, the sound of his sips being the only noise in the room for a minute as I thought about where to start. He knew a fair amount of it already of course, but there was so much I kept to myself, pushed down and hidden away in the hopes of forgetting.  </p><p>“It doesn’t need to be all today.” He reminded me. My eyes moved from the cup in his hands to the wall behind him. Nearly every session I stared at the photos on the wall and I really wasn’t sure why.  </p><p>“So um,” I sighed, gulping down the initial nerves that overcame me as the dread slowly inched up. “I mean, you know the story. We met when we were kids, we ran away together, and history ended up repeating itself.”  </p><p>When I didn’t continue, Kevin looked down at his clipboard and shuffled through his notes before looking back up at me.  </p><p>“Do you want to talk about your adolescent time with him?” He asked gently, unclipping the board so he could keep whatever notes he’d been looking for front and center. I shrugged as my eyeline drifted away from the clipboard and back over to the décor of the room. </p><p>“I don’t know what there is to say. We both had fucked up families and gravitated toward each other because of it. I guess we felt like since we both understood that we could make it out together. The problem was he channeled all of it into anger and I guess he didn’t know how to manage it so he took it out on me.” </p><p>“Did you ever take your anger out on him?” Kevin readied his pen and held it to the paper awaiting my answer.  </p><p>“I mean, not in the same way but yes. I’m not perfect obviously, I was mean to him and started a lot of fights when I was angry. It was wrong, but at the time I didn’t know how to deal with my feelings. We’re two kids living on our own with mental issues, shit was bound to pop off.” I rolled my eyes as I recounted just how unhealthy our lives had been in general in the last few years.  </p><p>“Granted, I’m still not sure how to deal with my emotions but at least I cry all the time instead of yell so that’s better, right?” I joked, making the corner of Kevin’s mouth twitch in response but he didn’t reply as he scribbled notes down.  </p><p>“Still not an excuse though for me or him.” I concluded, watching his pen swipe quickly from one side of the page to the other before he stopped and looked up at me.  </p><p>“It’s good you acknowledge that. Identifying our mistakes can be hard but that’s how we grow.”  </p><p>I agreed quietly with a single nod of my head.  </p><p>“So, when you say history repeated itself, you’re referring of course to his behavior towards you?” Kevin asked, leaning forward to pick up his mug.  </p><p>“Yeah.” I rubbed my hands together awkwardly. After taking a quick sip, Kevin put his cup back down and cleared his throat.  </p><p>“Do you want to expand on that?” He urged. I hummed for a minute and averted my eyes toward the window.  </p><p>“I just mean he had a really bad father and we both always promised never to be like our parents but as we get older, we realized we’re exactly like them. He hated his dad for his drinking and now look.” I frowned and Kevin nodded as he listened intently.  </p><p>“It’s just... inevitable, I guess. Especially when you’re young and living in a brand new city so far away from home. No one to ground you but each other. It’s like the blind leading the blind.” I gave a laugh and shrugged. I watched him jot down notes on that before he looked up again. </p><p>“Do you have any feelings of resentment for moving here? Or ever miss home?” He inquired.  </p><p>“Ah... no. I would've said yes to both of those last year or even earlier this year but no, I don’t anymore. If I never moved here, I wouldn’t have met George or my friends and realized what actual love and kindness is. I honestly don’t have anything for me back home. My parents are there, yeah, but they are like Goblin. And anything I could share with them in my life right now, they’d find a way to ruin it so I'm good. I don’t have any siblings and my grandparents are all gone so... nah.” I let out a deep breath and smiled genuinely as I felt confident with the answer I shared.  </p><p>“Sometimes the families we make mean more than our blood relatives.” Kevin affirmed, making me smile even wider.  </p><p>“Exactly.”  </p><p>It was silent for a moment as Kevin, assumingly, waited for me to continue but I left that thought there to dwell on. My friends were, without a doubt in my mind, more like family to me than my actual family. I wish I could see them soon. </p><p>“Well,” Kevin finally broke the silence while scratching at his reddish-brown beard, “It seems like you are pretty content with your blood relative's situation.” </p><p>“Oh, I am.” I confirmed, knotting my fingers with each other and setting the entangled digits on my lap. He gave a tight smile and inhaled through his nose and that’s when I knew the next part of our conversation wasn’t about to be pleasant.  </p><p>“So, how about your thoughts on Gavin?” He looked apologetic in the eyes immediately after asking and I knew it was simply his job but even with his hesitation, I hated him for making me talk about this. I groaned quietly and felt pressure in both my hands as they began squeezing each other without my permission. I felt an ache around my entire body and slight nausea. </p><p>“I--I don’t really have any thoughts.” I weakly answered, looking away from his face once again.  </p><p>“I’m sure, but since he was er... <em> is  </em>such a huge trigger for you, we have t--” </p><p>“I know.” I cut him off, pulling my mouth into a tight line. My nails dug into my hands, creating a small but sharp pain. He was silent after that as he gave me some time to gather my thoughts. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath while counting to ten, like he’d taught me. I listened to the sounds of my breathing and tried to focus on the mental images in my mind I’d chosen as my sanctuary.  </p><p>It used to be memories of the pier and the beach. My grandfather teaching me how to fish and listening to the waves and the seagulls.  </p><p>Now, its visions of Joji’s grin and crinkled eyes. His musical laughter and the way his eyes look like warm, melting honey under the sunlight.  </p><p>My shoulders fall and I feel the smallest twitch at the corner of my mouth when I remembered the time he climbed onto the basketball game machine at the arcade and cheated to get more tickets. Idiot. </p><p>When I opened my eyes, Kevin was sipping quietly on his tea and observing his notes. If I’m being honest, I greatly appreciated him giving me the privacy I didn’t know I needed in that moment. I cleared my throat and rubbed the small, crescent shaped digs I left in my hands so they would go away. </p><p>“Okay. Please lead me through this, I can't just... ugh.” I sighed defeatedly but he nodded in understanding. After setting his cup down, he flipped through his papers on the clipboard again and stopped near the end. </p><p>“Right. So, if it gets to be too much we can stop, alright?” He eyed me seriously, making sure I understood before he continued.  </p><p>“What triggered your episode?” He asked gently. I sucked in a deep breath and blew it out slowly as a mild bout of anxiety filled me.  </p><p>“Um,” I swallowed the saliva in my mouth and looked back down at my hands that were fidgeting with my cuticles, “I don’t know. I think it was going to happen eventually but w-when I saw Joji’s knuckles, I... I...”  </p><p>My chest restricted suddenly, making breathing difficult and I knew it so I tried to calm down again by taking as many deep breaths as I could. The air came in tiny amounts at a time but eventually I managed to relax once again and continue.  </p><p>“I felt guilty. Everything all at once, it was so overwhelming. I remember his bruises and how tore up his beautiful face looked. I had flashbacks of the fight and knowing it was all because of me... just...he lost his biggest opportunity and was acting like it was no big deal while lying in bed with a busted fucking lip and a black eye!” I exclaimed, frustrated.  </p><p>“You realize that if he said it wasn’t a big deal, he might have meant that?” Kevin inquired, making me frown. </p><p>“He said it to make me feel better. He and Niki were both disappointed. Granted, it doesn’t matter now that they got the deal back but I still messed it up in the first place.” My finger nails scratched at the back of my hand senselessly.  </p><p>“Listen, I feel like you’re a bit in your head right now. It’s kind of like an echo chamber where all you hear is your own negative thoughts bouncing around and everything else is drowned out, but let me tell you seriously what is actually happening.” Kevin cleared his throat and clasped his hands together. I listened intently. </p><p>“I don’t know George, but it sounds like he means what he says when he talks to you. I don’t think he would lie to make you feel better, especially if you said he’s already done things like outright admitting he didn’t like Gavin or the way he treated you,” Kevin paused, watching me take in his words before proceeding, “so I think when he says it was not a big deal or not to worry about it, he meant it. Listen to him when he tells you what he’s thinking, don’t make up things on his behalf.” </p><p>His words hit me in a weird way. On one hand I was a bit insulted by his bluntness and on the other I felt like an idiot for not seeing it that way sooner. Of course he’s right, and I struggled for a moment to accept that fact before eventually giving in and agreeing.  </p><p>“That... you’re right. I’ll work on it.”  </p><p>He gave a small smile before scribbling in his notes.  </p><p>“So, back to his injuries. They were a trigger for you?” He asked as his pen moved sharply across the paper.  </p><p>“I don’t like the word trigger; can we not use that word?” I begged, scratching at my neck. He looked up at me and his eyes widened just a little. </p><p>“Sure, yeah. Sorry. What upset you about his injuries?” He corrected himself. </p><p>“Well I just never thought I’d ever see George like that, you know? It was fucked up.”   </p><p>Kevin hummed as he looked on thoughtfully.  </p><p>“That’s fair. You witnessed a traumatic ordeal go down right in front of you and saw someone you loved get hurt.” </p><p>I nodded in agreement. He had a better way of putting it than I did and I appreciated that too.  </p><p>“However, you became overwhelmed with it later and not so much at the actual fight. You mentioned his knuckles... can we talk more about that?” </p><p>Just like moments prior, my chest tightened and my oxygen intake suddenly became restricted. I sucked in a breath in an attempt at gaining more air, but the sharp pain shooting through my chest made it difficult.  </p><p>“His knuckles.” I mumbled, looking down at my own. His hands were rough; his knuckles boney and hairy. A stark contrast between my smooth, smaller ones. I kissed his knuckles before... a couple times actually. To see them bloodied and scarred hurt me a lot, and made me feel pain for the injuries I’d brought upon him but if I'm being honest, that wasn’t the reason I lost it.   </p><p>“They reminded me of Gavin’s.” I whispered his name for the first time in a month. I wasn’t sure Kevin could hear me so I waited. When he spoke up, his voice was soft and slow. Delicate like approaching a baby deer so as to not frighten it. </p><p>“What about George’s knuckles reminded you of Gavin?” He prompted me. My fingernails slid over the back of my opposite hand, leaving a red trail in their wake. </p><p>“His knuckles used to look the same way after.” I left my thought there. It was enough for Kevin to understand without me needing to outright say it. I glanced up to catch a glimpse of his solemn expression while he nodded.  </p><p>“I see. So, the guilt that was living inside you coupled with the sight of George’s knuckles brought on your panic attack?” He sought clarification that half of me wanted to correct while the other half wanted to just nod and accept so we could get this over with. But I knew I would never actually make any real progress if I didn’t put forth my full effort and honesty.  </p><p>“We uh... God,” I grimaced as I felt my face turn hot in embarrassment at what I was about to say, “we were engaging in... yeah. I got in my head so badly during it that I felt like I was watching from outside of my body.”  </p><p>“At a certain point I saw Gavin on top of me instead of George. I heard his voice instead and it felt too much like... Well after that I blacked out, the rest is gone. I have a vague recollection of sounds and being picked up but that’s it.” </p><p>It was silent. I was staring at the mug of tea that sat on the coffee table between us that was no longer steaming. My throat felt dry and I nearly asked for water but I didn’t want to bother him so I remained silent until he spoke.  </p><p>“I’m sorry you had that experience; I cannot fathom the pain.” Kevin replied quietly. A single warm droplet fell on my hands that were now thoroughly dug into. Specks of blood were rising to the surface beneath my skin that I’d tore up with my nails without realizing. I shook my head and wiped my face quickly. </p><p>“No, it’s fine, I’m fine. I just can't imagine what it looked like to George or my friends. I scared the shit out of them, I know that much. I feel so bad.”  </p><p>“Our time is almost up and I think that is good enough for now.” Kevin sat his clipboard down on the table gently. I looked up from the damage I’d caused to my hands and noticed his gaze lingering on them as well. Immediately, I pulled the sleeves of my sweatshirt down to hide the searing scratches from his view. </p><p>“Sorry, nervous habit.” I smiled before standing and bidding him goodbye.  </p><p>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- </p><p><b> More than half of the next chapter contains a graphic trigger, so if you’re sensitive to it please skip to the bottom! Thank you. </b> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0057"><h2>57. Nightmares</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><b> Trigger Warning: Rape </b> </p><p><b> You may skip to where the numbers end. </b> </p><p>________________________________________________________________________ </p><p> </p><p>I looked up at his shadowy silhouette in the darkness of our bedroom. I couldn’t make out many discernible features so sometimes I liked to pretend it was a hot celebrity or something. His figured thrust into mine, rocking me into the mattress. The creak of the bed and his shallow breaths with the occasional grunt were the only audible sounds in the room.  </p><p>Right now was the best time to let the tears fall because he couldn’t see them, so they slid freely. Over his head I watched pewter colored clouds swirl like the vortex of a storm. Small flecks of lightning zapped across, lighting up the top of his head and face for just a minute.  </p><p>Gavin’s face twisted in that sickening way I knew too well.  </p><p><em> He’s drunk. He doesn’t mean it. He doesn’t know what he’s doing. </em> </p><p><em> I’m supposed to be his girlfriend after all, this is normal. </em> </p><p>It continued. His movements got more violent as he grew closer and closer to the end. It was bittersweet, actually. He would leave me alone soon but I would also need to endure his anticipated aggression.  </p><p>His hand roughly grabbed one of my tits, ceasing its bouncing and kneading it. When he groaned, his breath caught my nose and I cringed. The intense stench of whiskey and beer made his mouth smell like it was rotting.  </p><p>I took a deep breath and held it as I stared at the storm on the ceiling. It would be over soon. Maybe a minute or two. Each minute is 60 seconds. </p><p>60 </p><p>59 </p><p>58 </p><p>57 </p><p>56 </p><p>“Fuckin whore sh’you like that, yeah.” </p><p>55 </p><p>54 </p><p>“You really fuckin pissed me off today.” </p><p>53 </p><p>52 </p><p>“You do it on purpose don’t you? Fuckin bitch.”   </p><p>51 </p><p>50 </p><p>He stopped momentarily to back out and spit his filthy saliva into the space where we were joined before pushing back in. </p><p>49 </p><p>48 </p><p>“Ah that’s better. Nice n’ wet now.” </p><p>I whimpered as more tears slid down the sides of my face, falling into my hair. His body jostled against mine, hitching me up before moving at a rhythm again but this time harder. </p><p>47 </p><p>46 </p><p>45 </p><p>44 </p><p>He moaned out loud, letting his head fall forward.  </p><p>43 </p><p>42 </p><p>41 </p><p>“Ugh fuck yeah, Natasha.”  </p><p>I let an audible sob escape as my being became unraveled at the sound of his ex girlfriend’s name. He didn’t even notice; too caught up in his own pleasure. Cracks began to show in my armor and the awareness threatened to rip me open.  </p><p>40 </p><p>39 </p><p>I looked to the clouds.  </p><p>The sun was no where to be found but I knew it was here somewhere, maybe on the other side of the planet, just far away from me. I would see it someday. Just hold on. </p><p>38 </p><p>37 </p><p>36 </p><p>“M’ gonna bust, Tasha.”  </p><p>35 </p><p>34 </p><p>33 </p><p>32 </p><p>31 </p><p>His movements were sloppy and downright violent. His hips slapped into mine recklessly creating a loud clapping noise that battled his drunken moans in volume. </p><p>30 </p><p>29 </p><p>It’s almost done. </p><p>28 </p><p>27 </p><p>26 </p><p>25 </p><p>24 </p><p>“You like it, you want it!” </p><p>23 </p><p>22 </p><p>21 </p><p>“Oh yeah, here we go...” </p><p>20 </p><p>19 </p><p>Please let this end. </p><p>18 </p><p>17 </p><p>16 </p><p>His hand made contact with my face, slapping me hard across my cheek and leaving behind a sharp sting. I cried out in pain and grabbed onto my cheek. </p><p>15 </p><p>14 </p><p>“Oh hell yeah, you like that! Bitch! Fuck, fuck, fuck!” </p><p>13 </p><p>12 </p><p>11 </p><p>10 </p><p>9 </p><p>His hands wrapped around my throat, squeezing hard. I gasped and choked, letting out half baked cries that sounded more like the gurgles of a drowning person.  </p><p>8 </p><p>His thrusts sent my head into the headboard behind me, slamming my skull against the wood. </p><p>7 </p><p>6 </p><p>I saw white spots flashing like fireworks in my vision. My nails clawed at his fists but there was no real use. He’s stronger.  </p><p>5 </p><p>“Ugh!” </p><p>4 </p><p>The white spots grew larger and larger, taking over my sight before turning black. </p><p>3 </p><p>“Oh fuck...” </p><p>2 </p><p>I couldn’t see or hear or feel anymore.  </p><p>1 </p><p><b> TRIGGER SCENE OVER </b> </p><p>________________________________________________________________________ </p><p>I screamed the first available opportunity, when my lungs filled with air once again and his heavy weight was lifted off of me. I gasped and clawed at my neck, wanting to rid myself of his hands but instead scratching the skin from my jaw to my collarbone.  </p><p>“Olivia?!” Niki screamed as she stood at my door in her pajamas. Her eyes were blown wide as she stared at me. I heaved a breath, hyperventilating as the need for air began to transform into cries. Pathetic cries that racked my entire body and made me double over in pain. I screamed as I cried and buried my face in the mattress beneath me.  </p><p>I could feel her on me, her arms wrapped around my body, holding me tightly to her own. Her small hand ran up and down my back, trying to soothe the complete and utter hysteria that she was not cut out for.  </p><p>I felt so fucking bad. </p><p>She soft voice came through my cries, assuring me I was safe and that she was here beside me. I allowed them to absorb in my head like life support. I needed the words.  </p><p>“It was just a dream, Livya. Shhh, it’s okay, I’m here. You’re okay.” </p><p><em> I know  </em> <em> Niki </em> <em> , thank you. I’m so sorry. </em> </p><p>“It will be okay just breathe. In and out slowly.” </p><p>I tried, letting out stuttering breaths that were more like hard exhales and sharp intakes that were more akin to wheezes.  </p><p>It continued like that for a while until my sobs turned into whimpers and then small hiccups. I think we sat there on my bed together in the darkness for an hour or more.  </p><p>By the time it was over I was lying on my side and Niki was on hers, facing me; running her fingers through my hair. Occasionally she would wipe away the tears falling onto my nose.  </p><p>“I’m sorry.” I whispered hoarsely. My voice was wrecked, completely ripped raw from the screaming and crying.  </p><p>I could see little of Niki’s face as there seemed to be no moon out tonight to aid my vision, but I could tell she was smiling. </p><p>“Don’t be.” She replied quietly as her nails softly scratched my scalp and she pushed strands away from my face. I closed my eyes and let the final stuttering breaths escape me as my body calmed. </p><p>Before I knew it, I was asleep again and mercifully left dreamless for the remainder of the night. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I greatly considered completely deleting and rewriting this one, its the peak of the trauma so I felt it was important but fuck, at the same time, it's awful. I'm sorry.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0058"><h2>58. Love, George</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A fat stack of envelopes hit my thighs as I sat on the couch in the living room, drinking some hot lemon water Niki made me that tasted absolutely dreadful. I looked at the envelopes that had my name scrawled messily across each one and up at Niki’s towering form in front of me. </p><p>“What’s this?” I asked curiously before setting my cup down on the coffee table. She side stepped out of my way and back around the couch toward the front door. </p><p>“George’s letters.” She answered quizzically before grabbing her keys off the hook and stepping out of the apartment. My eyes widened at the door where she stood a second ago. The sound of the key turning in the lock and retreading footsteps told me she was trusting me with whatever the letters contained. Perhaps she figured after last night that I needed George in any way I could have him right now and that’s why she finally allowed me to have them. Either way, I was forever grateful to her... for everything. </p><p>I pulled myself up, taking the stack in my hands and jogging to my bedroom. I opened the curtains, letting in the morning light to aid me before curling up in the chair beside my window. I crossed my legs beneath me and balanced the letters on my thigh. My fingers skimmed his chicken scratch handwriting across the surface of the envelope. Despite being barely legible, I immediately adored the way he wrote my name. </p><p>I carefully thumbed through the letters, trying to decide where to start. There were no dates on the outside, but surely the first letter would be the very bottom one, right? </p><p>I pulled it out and flipped it around, carefully nudging my index finger under the flap of the envelope and scooting it across, breaking the seal. </p><p>My anticipation created an odd mixture of butterflies and anxiety in my belly, just like it feels to be near him. I grinned when the task was finished and I could finally pluck the folded paper out from inside. </p><p>I hunched over inadvertently, unfolding the paper under the light of the sun so I could read it. </p><p>
  <em>Liv I dont really know what to say </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Im so sorry  </em>
</p><p>
  <strike> <em>I don’t know </em> </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike> <em>I didn’t realize </em> </strike>
</p><p>
  <em>I fucked up and I am so fucking sorry. I will do anything to make it up to you if you’ll let me. I love you so much, I am so sorry. Please forgive me. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>-George </em>
</p><p>My hand that held the paper trembled as a wave of grief washed over me again. I bit back a sob, digging my top teeth into my bottom lip as hard as I could to stop the cry I wanted to release.  </p><p>He thought it was his fault.  </p><p>Hot tears slipped down my face and my body shook with contained whimpers. I closed my eyes and dropped my head, allowed the emotion to overcome me.  </p><p><em> That’s okay, you’re allowed to feel sad. Process the emotion, feel it, surmount it.  </em>I could practically hear Kevin’s voice in my head, coaching me through this. I let out a laugh through the tears at my own stupidity.  </p><p>I wiped the tears away after a little while and sniffled. Gotta be tough, you can do this.  </p><p>Next letter. </p><p>I gently set the first one down on the small table beside me and opened the second letter from the bottom that, if placed in order, should be the next letter he wrote me. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I guess I'm not allowed to see you. Ians being really serious about all this but wont tell me why. No one will tell me anything. Im sorry I shouldn’t even be bitching with all youre probably going through right now. I hope these letters are getting to you, Ian said he’d pass them on to Niki but we’ll see I guess. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I love you so much. I hope I can see you soon. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>- George </em>
</p><p> </p><p>The second letter was easier to digest but still painful when I think about the fact this was probably written at the very beginning of our separation and we wouldn’t be seeing each other soon at all.  </p><p>I continued to move through the letters, being sure to take my time to notice every scribbled out word and crumple to the paper.  </p><p>
  <em>Ian said we might be able to visit if the doctor says its ok </em>
</p><p>Each letter had its own clues between the words as to how he was doing.  </p><p>
  <em>Kinda feels empty without you around </em>
</p><p>His handwriting became sloppier and his words became less hopeful.  </p><p>
  <em>I see your face everywhere </em>
</p><p>Unfortunately, I found him to be in as dark of a place as I had been despite Ian’s “hanging in there” assurances. </p><p>
  <em>I miss you so much </em>
</p><p>I got through about half of the stack by the time Niki got home. She found me sitting on the floor now, surrounded by a sea of opened envelopes and folded letters. I looked up at her where she stood in the door way of my bedroom with her arms crossed. </p><p>“Please tell me I didn’t make a mistake in letting you read those too early.” She mused, a tiny trace of humor in her voice as well as worry. I smiled and shook my head. </p><p>“This is just what I needed, thank you Nik.”  </p><p>She laughed quietly before turning and leaving, shutting the door behind her. I looked over the letter I’d read at least a million times before she entered the room. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I dream about you most nights. I’d love to tell you what kind of dreams they are but I’m afraid of scaring you away. Lets just say you have a round belly.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Anyway, works been<strike> good</strike> shitty. Im just on autopilot all night long, playing stuff from playlists and I'll admit, sneaking alcohol from behind the bar when Ian’s back is turned. I hope youre doing better than me. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I love you and miss you. Lets talk about that dream when we see each other, ok? I cant get you it out of my head. Get well soon, little angel </em>
</p><p>
  <em>-Love, George  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>I bit my lip and held the paper to my chest like a schoolgirl in love. I could picture him in my head, grinning wickedly and using those words to make me blush. He’s so smooth when he wants to be.  </p><p>It seems like he wrote a letter for every single day we are apart and I laughed out loud at how corny he is. I just know he saw The Notebook at some point in his life and had been waiting for the opportunity to pull some shit like that.  </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Niki gave me Joji’s letters and they’ve been both a blessing and a curse.” I joked. Kevin smiled lightly, blowing the steam off of his tea.  </p><p>“How so?” He murmured. I had my hands folded in my lap against but this time I did not feel the need to mutilate my skin like I did last time. No itch or twitch or unnerving need to claw at myself.  </p><p>“Well it’s amazing to be able to hear about what's going on over there. I haven't been able to see Max, Ian, or Chad very much so hearing stories about their antics always makes me laugh. On the other hand, I can tell that Joji isn't doing as well as everyone said he was. Maybe he’s putting on a brave face for them but in the letters, he mentions feeling empty and not being able to sleep.” </p><p>I grimaced as I recalled the words, he’d written himself, detailing his first experience with sleep paralysis due to his exhaustion. I wish I could’ve been there to comfort him through it. </p><p>Kevin hummed after taking a sip and set his mug down.  </p><p>“I told you he didn’t seem like the type to lie to spare your feelings.” Kevin stated, clicking at the end of his pen before he began scribbling down some notes. I titled my head side to side as I considered his observation. Yeah, I suppose he wasn’t wrong.  </p><p>“Do you feel like the letters are more of a benefit to you though than a depressant?” He eyed me carefully and I instantly knew what he was implying. <em> Say yes, so I don’t have to order them to be taken away. </em> </p><p>“Undoubtedly.” I replied with a smile, earning one from Kevin in return as he nodded and wrote my response down.  </p><p>“Have you been reflecting on any of the stuff we talked about last time?” His tone was somber this time, likely because he knew the subject was going to instantly wipe away the smile from my face. Once again, correct. It dropped in a split second. </p><p>“Yeah.”  </p><p>“How has that been?” </p><p>I scratched at my neck nervously. My eyes darted around the room to the painting of the cliffs and over to the window before I realized the state I was in and tried to concentrate on him again. I had a nasty habit of becoming distracted by my surroundings when I’m uncomfortable but I wanted to try to make an effort to stop. </p><p>“Not very good. I’ve had a few nightmares.” And by a few, I mean one almost every night. Sometimes two, one right after another. Sleep has become a source of anxiety for me lately.  </p><p>“Can we talk about those nightmares?” He probed curiously, readying his pen. I sighed. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0059"><h2>59. Last Night Was the Last Time</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“No!” I screamed, shooting up in bed in a cold sweat. It was still dark in my room with the small exception of the dim orange glow from the streetlights outside. My chest heaved, trying to keep up with the rapid pace of my heart that was squeezing painfully in my ribcage. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck.” I breathed shakily. Another nightmare plagued my dreams after a day of reliving the worst experiences of my life with Kevin. Talking about it was bad enough, but seeing the living images again was like being trapped in a </span>
  <span>never ending</span>
  <span> loop. I couldn’t break out of the nightmares on my own and was forced to let them play out. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I sniffed as I caught my breath and wiped at my forehead with the sleeve of my shirt. A soft gust of night air blew into the room from the open window. The entire room was on the colder side, yet my bed and body were sweltering. Beside me sat my favorite letters so far, the ones with words I’d committed to memory. I moved the ones I accidentally slept on so as to not further ruin them and set them on my nightstand. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I huffed while I pulled myself out of bed. My hair and the back of my neck that were wet with sweat instantly cooled, making me shiver. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The sill of the window slid shut beneath my fingers, sealing the air in the room. One deep breath, inhale and exhale to calm myself. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It was all a part of the process and I knew that but fuck if it didn’t suck. Like cleansing all the toxins from my body, it was a slow and painful development. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>His face was slowly being purged from my mind with each passing day. I knew it would take more time, maybe years, but the slightly distorted facial features of the figure in my dreams gave me some hope. I might never be rid of the permanent damage done to me but I could look forward to the healing process that would bring some numbness to it. </span>
  
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did you have another one?” Niki asked me at breakfast that morning. We sat at the dining table after preparing breakfast together. I made the pancakes while she cut some fruit and mixed some oatmeal. I wasn’t hungry, and as expected, she caught on when I stabbed at the food instead of actually eating it. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I nodded. My cheek rested on my fist, holding my head up on the table. This morning I looked in the mirror and noticed the deepening of the bags beneath my eyes. The fact I hadn't gotten decent sleep in a while was clearly visible on my face. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry. Do you want to try those melatonin pills I bought?” She offered sweetly but I shook my head no. Melatonin, while effective, only sent me into a deeper sleep that became more difficult to wake from. My only saving grace right now was that I could at least wake up halfway through the night to recover. I didn’t want to have to suffer through the entire night. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Getting to sleep isn't the issue. I just need to get through this, I know it </span>
  <span>won't</span>
  <span> last forever.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I know but it's still hard to watch you go through. Try some chamomile before bed.” She replied, cutting a corner of her pancake with her fork and bringing it to her mouth. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Kay.” I stared at the plate in front of me, feeling my </span>
  <span>stomach</span>
  <span> rumble with hunger but feeling absolutely no desire to eat. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The only sounds in the room came from the clinking of forks against plates and glasses being set down on the table. It wasn’t uncomfortable but the nudging feeling inside me bothered me to no end. I sighed quietly.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I feel weak,” I confessed, allowing the growing discomfort inside me to be vocalized. “Going to therapy and stuck on pills.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>My head dropped to the table on front of my plate and I closed my eyes. I was embarrassed to admit how I </span>
  <span>was feeling</span>
  <span> even though I knew Niki would be nothing but supportive.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not weak to seek help, Liv.” She said gently, reaching out to rub my head in a display of affection. I groaned.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s never going to end. I’ll be doing this forever.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Listen,” she called my attention so I lifted my head to gaze at her. “You’re doing great right now. I’ve seen a major change so far and it hasn’t even been very long. The way you talk about yourself, the way you carry yourself... it's all very different from the Olivia I first met. I know you can't see it now, but you will someday. And look, sometimes people need to go to therapy for a while but there's nothing wrong with that.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I was tired. Just so tired. I replied to her through a single nod of my head and looked away. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You are very self-less, Liv. You’re always thinking about someone else first and yeah sometimes you go about things a little backwards but hey, your intention is good. You’re my sister and I love you. I promise you will be okay.” Niki added seriously. Her nails tapped at the dining table with every important point she wanted to make sure I understood. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks Nik, that means a lot, genuinely.” My hand slid under my chin again, holding my head up. She snorted a laugh and resumed her meal before her eyes went wide and she looked at me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh! So, Sean called and told me he found some new investors. Some old buddies of his or something? Anyway, they’re working on rescheduling a new audition for next week.” Niki announced excitedly. I watched her with renewed interest.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Really? That’s great.” I offered her the best smile I could muster and she returned it.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yep! I’m so excited. I don’t know if I should perform the same song or not though...” She trailed off, lost in thought. The first question that popped into my head lingered, waiting for me to vocalize it but I couldn’t.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Can I come? </span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I already knew the answer, but a little piece of me hoped since she’d loosened up with the letters that she’d say yes. Still, I wouldn’t pressure her into providing an answer right now and make breakfast awkward. She simply wanted to follow the </span>
  <span>doctor's</span>
  <span> orders and provide the best for me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I wonder if George would perform the same song as last time too. Maybe something I haven't heard before... Would he be expecting me there? Would my presence throw him off too much and ruin his performance?</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Probably.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe it is better if I didn’t go. I want the best possible opportunity for George and Niki to succeed and their second chance audition was </span>
  <span>definitely</span>
  <span> not the place for a reunion. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Damn.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>We finished our breakfast and cleaned up together. I tried to eat a little, choosing mostly fruit since it would sit light in my belly, and packed the rest away in Tupperware for later. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>At ten, we met with Kevin for my appointment. I told him about my latest dream and we discussed ways to cope with them but the entire time I felt somber knowing I would surely be experiencing another one tonight. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Niki offered to take me to lunch in the city but I declined. I just wanted to go home and lie down. The exhaustion I felt mentally and physically was overwhelming. I had no energy. I think she understood that because she didn’t push it.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I spent the rest of the day in bed, resting lightly and taking small naps that I refused to let fall into anything deeper. Niki woke me when she was on her way to work, wishing me well, and telling me something about dinner in the fridge. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>When she left, I got out of bed and spent some time outside on the fire escape with myself and the cigarettes. I lit one and set it down beside me, just basking in its cancerous smoke that brought me comfort. I stretched my bare legs out in front of me and thought about the rooftop at Joji’s apartment. I wish I could be there right now with him. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Music from my earbuds drowned out the loud ambiance of the city below me, allowing me to create a world of my own. I closed my eyes and let the music distract me. The </span>
  <span>stench</span>
  <span> of the smoke wafted up to my nose and for a little while it felt like he was here with me. </span>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0060"><h2>60. Catch the Sun</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“We’ve got a date!” Niki cheered, waving the paper in front of my face. Baffled, I pulled back, my eyes shifting between her excited grin and the wildly flapping paper in her hands. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, you got another date with Brian?” I smirked, making her brows furrow in confusion and then annoyance.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“No! The audition date! Look!” She cried, hopping from foot to foot and making it even more impossible for me to read. I huffed, snatching the paper from her fingers quickly and holding it steady for my inspection.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Indeed, she was correct. The paper directly addressed Niki and provided details for her upcoming audition with the new investors. This Friday at 7pm at the Blues Hall in New York City. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Please decide on a set list of one to three songs that boast the different ranges of your vocal and/or production talent.” I read out loud from the letter. Niki squealed and grabbed onto my arms. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Exactly, do you hear that?! What do I pick? You have to help me decide!” She was ecstatic, bouncing around the room with joy I hadn't seen from her in a while. Despite how I have been feeling, my smile was genuine. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>Of course</span>
  <span> I will.” My answer delighted her and that delighted me. </span>
  
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Today, I called Ethan to let him know I wasn’t coming back to work. The conversation went about as expected. He was surprised but wished me the best and that was that. I had no desire to go back to work at the club anymore, honestly. As fun as it was working with my friends and as entirely grateful as I was to them and Ethan for even allowing me to have that experience, I knew it was over now. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It was time to move on, career wise. I would be starting school soon and sort out my plans from there. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Niki was sad but supportive. It wasn’t like I’d be leaving her apartment any time soon so she moved on quickly from the news but it definitely was strange for the both of us. Long were the nights serving alcohol to people already drunk off their ass. Tearing dancing patrons off of the bar counter and getting creepy comments about the tightness of our shirts. I would miss working with my friends but they were working on their futures as well and all good things come to an end eventually, right?</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It was a little uncomfortable having the conversation with Niki about the audition only because we both knew I wouldn’t be able to attend but she said she would call the doctor to ask. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s alright dude, just do your best and let me know how it went.” I assured her with a hug. She gave a weak smile in return but nodded in understanding. She had no reason to be sorry or feel uncomfortable, all of this was temporary anyway. </span>
  
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Any more dreams?” Kevin asked curiously when we sat down Friday morning. I blew air out of my mouth with a rumble and nodded while plopping down on the couch. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You know it.” I pulled my legs up onto the couch and tucked them underneath me, making myself comfortable. He crossed his legs, letting one rest over his knee and jiggling his foot. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Have you been handling them well?” He meant, of course, using the techniques he taught me at our last meeting that included journaling the dreams, instituting a sleeping schedule that allowed me to get enough rest, and sleeping with comfort objects. I shrugged.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“As well as I can, I guess.” I answered nonchalantly. I was finding it hard lately to really care about much, especially not about myself. It just felt empty, like I was watching life happen through hollow eyes. All of my anger and sadness faded until there was nothing left.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Good. Well, I actually had a plan for today, if that’s alright.” He announced, leaning toward the coffee table for his clipboard. It did not escape my attention that he had not yet filled his cup of tea, which was traditionally done right before we began our talks. I watched him observantly as he flipped through the papers on his clipboard before finally settling on one and clipping it down.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“So, I’d like to work on </span>
  <span>your self</span>
  <span> image for a bit, yeah?” He looked up, making sure I was paying attention and I nodded. His eyes lowered back down to the paper as he read off what was printed below. “Every day I want you to repeat affirmations to yourself like ‘I am a good person,’ or ‘I am worthy of love’ easy enough, right?” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I chuckled a bit, too deeply devoted to doing the exact opposite to be able to take this seriously.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Here is a list that can get you started,” Kevin leaned over, handing me the paper of ‘positive </span>
  <span>self affirmations’</span>
  <span> that he’d been reading from, “until you can start creating your own.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I looked at the list silently, my eyes scanning over the words that meant nothing to me.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Why would I tell myself things I don’t believe?” I questioned, letting the paper go limp in my hands. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Well the idea is to repeat it until you start believing them and they stay with you. Before you know it, you won't even need to think about it; you’ll say them to yourself daily and they’ll just become facts.” He smiled, flipping his papers once again. I frowned at his answer. It didn’t seem like something that would even actually work, let alone something I wanted to even do. Lie to myself until I believed it? Hell, maybe I could do; I’ve only been doing it my entire life.</span>
  
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Friday night was harder for me than I thought it would be. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Helping Niki pick out two of her best songs was fun and the easiest part, but helping her get dressed and watching her walk out the door was difficult. She was happy, albeit worried about me, but excited for her future. And I was happy for her of course! But I wished desperately that I could've been there with her.... and George. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I sulked back to my room, turning on the light and crawling into bed. I’d read over every letter up until the last one he sent. We were three weeks into November now and I’d been separated from Joji far longer than I anticipated. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It never really got any easier.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Thanksgiving was coming up, not like I cared much about that holiday or any of them in the first place, but it would likely be spent in Niki’s apartment again. Sometimes I fantasized about a big thanksgiving dinner with all of us sitting at a big table. Chad flinging mashed potatoes while Niki screamed at him. Max sneaking puffs from a joint under the table, Ian pouring vodka into his cider, and Joji there with me through the madness. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I reached for the last letter I’d read before bed the other night that sat on my nightstand. George had detailed his excitement at getting a call from Sean. It made me smile widely to know how happy he was. I wish I could be at the audition to support him but for now I would do that from a distance.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I read over the words a few times as the sadness settled and I decided to try to drown my sorrows while Niki was away. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Her liquor cabinet in the kitchen was on top of the fridge, completely unguarded. I carefully climbed onto the countertops and pulled open the doors to reveal an empty cabinet with the exception of an envelope and a note in Niki’s handwriting.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Not today. Read this instead. </span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I giggled and rolled my eyes, taking her note and dropping it on the kitchen floor. Behind it sat an envelope similar to the others with my name written across the front. I sat on the countertop, letting my legs hang over the edge as I excitedly ripped open the letter.</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em> I know Im supposed to be strong for you because youre going through so much but its so hard. I miss you. I feel lost. Sometimes I wonder if youre having second thoughts about this and about me. I would understand if you were. I feel so empty like theres no fucking purpose anymore. Why I keep doing this shit. Im tired. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>We have our auditions tomorrow night and I just cant get out of my head. Everyones excited but I cant even bring myself to feel anything. Youre not gonna be there. I hope a miracle happens and you show up but I know it wont.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Im annoyed that everyones acting so normal. How can they smile and laugh? I know I sound emo as fuck but whatever. You understand. I miss you so much. Tell me youre doing better. Please write back. Am I screaming into the void? </em>
</p><p>
  <em>-George </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I grit my teeth. He wasn’t doing so well anymore. I wish I could talk to him, let him know I was doing better and he should too. I wondered if I wrote a letter back if Niki and Ian would let it get back to him. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I was about to slip the letter back into the envelope when another, smaller paper fell out and onto the floor. I kicked odd the counter, dropping to pick up the fallen paper and turning it over in my hand. It was written in George’s writing but a tad sloppier. </span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Please don’t run away </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Where'd you go? </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I thought we’d last forever </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Where'd I go? </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I was sinking through the leather </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I need you back </em>
</p><p>
  <em>So ill fly away </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Zoloft, Xanax </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I don’t know why I feel this way </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I feel the same  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I don’t know why </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I sucked in a breath and let it back out </span>
  <span>unsteadily</span>
  <span>. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Fuck it, its time now.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I took the letters back to my room with me and stuffed them into my old backpack. Running around the house looking for a pen and paper was a bit of a challenge but I managed it and finally sat down at the dining table to write him a letter back. It took about an hour and several scrapped versions but when it was finished, I folded it up and ran back to my room to stuff it inside my backpack as well. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Niki would be home in forty minutes, maybe less, according to her. If I wanted to pull this </span>
  <span>off,</span>
  <span> I’d need to act fast. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The weather outside was chilly, the sky gray and cloudy, not even the moon could shine through. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I dressed appropriately, pulling on a pair of jeans and boots and layering a thick jacket over my hoodie. It was too early for it to be snowing in New York but the sky certainty looked deceitful. I slung the straps of my bag over my shoulders, pushed my earbuds in, pulled up my hood, and braced myself. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Sorry Niki.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The apartment door shut behind me as I jogged down the stairs and threw open the </span>
  <span>doors</span>
  <span> downstairs, stepping into the chilled night air. My face froze a small bit with the temperature but I shook it off, immediately setting into a fast walk down the sidewalk in the direction of Joji’s apartment. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Hopefully by the time I got there, he’d be home.</span>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0061"><h2>61. Sanctuary</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This chapter is dedicated to everyone who's ever felt the pain associated with mental illness, whether it be from a friend, a loved one, or yourself who struggles with it. You are so fucking loved. You are cared about, you are precious, and you have value. Please keep breathing, please, I love you so much, beautiful human soul.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>Spendin</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>’ all my nights alone, waitin’ for you to call me</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You’re the only one I want by my side when I fall asleep</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Tell me what I’m waitin’ for</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Tell me what I’m waitin’ for</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I know it's hard but we need each other</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Know </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>it's</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span> hard but we need each other</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I rounded the corner and the boys’ apartment finally came into view. Tiny snowflakes trickled down around me, too small to stick to the ground and melting quickly after meeting my clothing. I waited for a few cars to pass before jogging lightly to the other side of the street. I could see the lights on in their apartment, though that didn’t necessarily mean they were home. It should be past the time Niki </span>
  <span>would've</span>
  <span> gotten home, so Joji and the others should be too. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>If she discovered I was missing, she’d likely already be on her way here. Theres really only one place I could've gone but I hoped she wouldn’t check my room and just assume I was sleeping. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The music acted like the background to a movie as I approached the building in front of me. The only difference is this likely wouldn’t end very well when I was caught and dragged back to Kevin for more </span>
  <span>psychotherapy</span>
  <span>. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Regardless, I swallowed the lump in my throat as I moved to the side of the apartment that I knew held George’s room. My eyes scanned the ground, and I walked around for a bit until I found what I was looking for. Tiny pebbles collected in my hand, and when I thought I had enough, I gathered my courage and pulled back my best throwing arm. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I swung and the first pebble missed completely, falling flat before it could even reach his window. I cursed quietly and tried again, pulling my arm back and throwing the rock harder. That one made contact with a window, but rather the one just below Joji’s, belonging to his downstairs neighbor. I cringed and waited a moment to see if the resident would look outside but luckily after a minute there was nothing. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I continued, choosing another pebble and flinging it as hard as I could at Joji’s window and failing every time.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck how did he do this? I suck.” I grumbled as I looked for more small rocks. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Nineth times the charm, I tried again, pulling my arm back, aiming at the desired window and letting the rock fly. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Tap</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes!” I celebrated too loudly, immediately shutting my mouth and looking around for any signs anyone hear me. I bit my lip, smiling in my triumph. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I tried again, throwing pebbles at the window over and over, sometimes failing miserably, but still I persisted.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Tap </span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Tap </span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Tap</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Finally, there was a response when a shadowy figure came to the window and stared down at me. The lights were off in the room but I knew it was his. My heart raced as I stared up at the figure and suddenly it was hard to breathe. I swallowed the saliva in my mouth and pulled my earbuds from my ears.  </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“George!” I called out uncertainly. The figure didn’t respond immediately and it spooked me a little. I dropped the pebbles remaining in my hand, listening to them click quietly against the pavement. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry.” I shouted just loud enough for him to be able to hear. My hands moved to the straps of my backpack and I pulled them tightly in a nervous gesture. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The shadowy figure shifted, pushing the window sill up and leaned slightly out.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I hurt you. I caused you so much pain and I am so, so, sorry for it. You don’t deserve it, you never did. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I</span>
  </em>
  <span> don’t deserve you! I am a </span>
  <span>fucked up</span>
  <span> person and I do stupid shit sometimes. This right now is probably one of them but I don’t care as long as I can tell you to your face how I feel.” I shouted up to the person above me. When he didn’t respond, I decided to continue.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve especially done a lot of stupid things since we met but I don’t regret them because a lot were for you. I wouldn’t take back any of it, I would do it all over again as long as it brought me back to you each time. I love you like I’ve never loved anyone, ever, George.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You are the sun in my sky. Please forgive me. I’ve made a lot of mistakes but you are the one thing I’ve ever done right.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I stood on the sidewalk after pouring out my heart to him and when there was still no reply I began to tremble. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It’s only a matter of time, you hear me? You’re nothing but fucking trouble and when he dumps your ass you’ll regret ever leaving--!</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Fuck. Get out of my head!</span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Maybe I was wrong. He doesn’t deserve any of this and he finally realized it like Gavin said. </span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I stared up at the figure and shifted my weight again. I was about to open my mouth to apologize when the person interrupted.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s very nice, young lady, but I’m afraid you have the wrong person. No one named George lives in this apartment.” The figure called out to me meekly in an elderly female’s voice. My breath caught in my throat in shock. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I-I’m so sorry! Oh my God, I’m so embarrassed. Have a good night!” I called to her, turning on my heel and quickly walking away from the building. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m </span>
  <span>gonna</span>
  <span> go die in a hole now.” I mumbled to myself, speeding down the sidewalk back down in the direction I came when I was suddenly yanked back. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I yelped as I was pulled tight against a warm figure. A pair of arms embraced me, squeezing me so hard I thought I was under attack. Their face was buried in my hair, pushing my hood back and breathing warm breath onto my neck. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The first clue was the scent.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Cigarettes.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>My body went rigid immediately and tears pricked at my eyes. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Please be him.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I-I missed you so much.”</span>
  <em>
    <span> His</span>
  </em>
  <span> voice mumbled weakly into my ear, assuring me I had the right person. The floodgates opened and I could no longer contain the downpour of tears than slid down my face. I sobbed loudly, my arms finally responding like I wanted them to when the shock was over and wrapping around him. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>Shhh</span>
  <span>, don’t cry baby.” He whispered, pulling his face back and looking me in the eye for the first time in too long. His hair was short and a beard covered his face, but I could care less. He’s perfect. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>His eyes were rimmed red and shiny as he stared at me. I broke down harder as everything hit me like a bullet train. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” I blubbered nonsensically, dropping my face into his chest. I cried hard and he let me, just like he always did. It made me angry. Always there to soak up my tears and tell me it was all okay. He didn’t deserve it. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, you don’t deserve this. I’m so fucked in the head; I cause you so much pain. I hurt everyone around me. You deserve so much better--”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Stop it!” He demanded, grabbing me by my upper arms and forcing my attention. Snow fell slowly, kissing our faces and disappearing just as quickly. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“No, it’s the truth.” I ground out. “I read your letters! I’ve had so much time to think on it and it’s true. I am trying to be better but you are wasting your time with me, I am trouble, I am a waste.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>His eyes darkened. Despite all of the work I’ve been doing with Kevin, the </span>
  <span>self loathing</span>
  <span> always found a way to creep back in. Rearing its ugly head and ruining me at my most vulnerable times.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Don't you </span>
  <span>fucking</span>
  <span> dare. Not even a little bit.” He whispered hoarsely. I was about to open my mouth again when both his hands suddenly cupped my cheeks and he got close.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Why can’t you see what I see? I’ve never met anyone so selfless, who's constantly thinking of everyone else before themselves. That night at the sex store you were constantly apologizing for keeping us there when you were just fucking touched by some creep!” George blew air out his nose in an angry huff and furrowed his brows.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You are kind and gentle and strong and caring and just so</span>
  <em>
    <span> good</span>
  </em>
  <span>. You had nothing to do with the </span>
  <span>fucked up</span>
  <span> audition and yet you apologized to all of us. Even after everything with your ex you still gave him the chance to apologize and hear him out. Everything he’s done to you, your parents, your so-called ‘friends’, everyone and you just keep smiling, you keep trying. God, I admire the fuck out of you. You’re so fucking strong; all the pain, all the bullshit, and you take it all. Do you know how amazing that is? To be able to handle so much pain all at once?”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I let out a strangled sob as the weight of his words came down on me and a flood of every emotion smacked me. Pain rippled through me as I suddenly remembered everything, all of the pain I’ve felt in the last few years and more. Everything I’ve put up with because I thought I deserved it or it was normal. I was so wrong, so wrong about everything. I cried, ducking my head into his chest as I endured the typhoon. Rage, despair, grief, anger, resentment, joy, excitement, love, passion, happiness and finally...  pride.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Joji comforted me, wiping my tears away and forcing my head up so my eyes were looking back up into his that were rimmed with unshed tears. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“And you know what? I know it was you that set up that meeting with Sean to get us the deal back. Through all of the shit you’re going through, you still fucking went out of your way to do that for us. For me. I-I can't... how do you not see?” He almost glared at me as the question lingered in the air but I simply stared in shocked silence. I had nothing to say, my mind was still reeling over his words so he continued. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You are my fucking world. I don’t even remember what life was like before you were in it. You are my everything, you are the fucking colors in the sky, you are the fresh air, you are my light in the dark. I love you more than I can even fucking fathom.” He sucked in a sharp breath.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re the actual fucking other half of whatever is left of my soul and I'm not letting you do this. You’re not going to think like this about yourself, no. Fuck no.” Joji shook his head slowly, his dark eyes staring straight into mine. His tears wavered, threatening to spill over.  I whimpered.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“If I’m the sun in your sky then you’re the moon in mine. Always beautiful and elegant; radiating pure energy that lights up my darkest nights. Your beautiful smile, your luminescent skin. The way you look at me... the way you look under the moonlight is like looking at an actual angel manifesting in front of me.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The silence was so loud in a way I’d never experienced. I had no air left in my lungs; it was all completely knocked out of me.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>All I ever wanted in my life was someone like you.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>And now here you are.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>We met in the middle, our lips connecting in a desperate kiss that spilled every emotion we harbored. Sparks of energy lit up between our lips, confirming to me that he was the one. My soulmate, the other half of me, my better half. The love of my life. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>His mouth moved gently with mine, pulling back </span>
  <span>every once in a while </span>
  <span>to catch a glimpse of oxygen before returning his lips to mine. My senses became overwhelmed with him. The heat of his body, the smell of cigarettes on his clothing, the sweet taste of his lips. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>When we finally did pull away, I looked at his face. I wiped at the tears that rolled down his face as tiny white snowflakes fell around us. One landed on his nose and I leaned forward quickly to kiss it away.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re right, I won’t do it again. I’m sorry” I replied quietly. “I love you so much. Please forgive me.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“There is nothing to forgive. I love you, angel face.” He kissed me again, softly and slowly, putting every fiber of his being forth and offering it all to me. I returned his kiss, pushing back into his lips and smiling.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Please just do me a favor and start thinking better of yourself. You are an amazing, beautiful woman.” He smiled softly, pressing a soft kiss to my forehead that warmed me all over. I closed my eyes and wiped at my eyes with a laugh.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay.” I agreed, nodding. I held him, wrapping my arms around his middle as we stood outside in the cold together, listening to the sounds of the city around us. The ambiance so distinct that I would forever equate honking cars and the rumble of passing trains with George.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>"So, about that dream of yours.” I teased when I pulled back to look at his face. He sniffed and rubbed his nose with the back of his sleeve before grinning at me <span class="TextRun SCXW243286500 BCX0"><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW243286500 BCX0">mischievously.</span></span></span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If that wasn’t you at the window, how did you know I was here? How did you hear what I said?”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I was smoking on the roof, dork.” He pushed me playfully and we both beamed at each other. His presence gave me back everything I was missing. Suddenly I could breathe again and smile genuinely. In some ways it was like we were never separated since we fell back into sync almost instantly and moved around each other with ease. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>We sat on the steps outside of his apartment, wrapped around each other and simply enjoying whatever time we had left. Despite being dressed in pajamas and a thin zip up jacket, he insisted he wasn’t cold. So, we watched the tiny wisps of snow trickle from the heavens and cuddled close.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh.” I replied quietly, ducking my head to rest under his chin. He absolutely radiated warmth inside and out. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I'm assuming Niki doesn’t know you’re here?” He chuckled, shaking lightly with his laughter. My fingers caressed the back of his hand softly, refamiliarizing myself him. It wasn’t hard, it was like hearing an old favorite song for the first time in a little while and came back to me instantly.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“You’d be assuming right.” My response elicited a hum from him before he kissed the top of my head.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’d offer to drive you home but I don’t want you to leave.” </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Me neither.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>We sat in comfortable silence for a bit, watching the cars pass and the street begin to shine from the congregating water of each tiny snowflake that hit the pavement. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I have so much to tell you.” I finally broke the silence. My eyes closed as I listened to the steady beat of his heart in his chest that was by far my favorite sound in the world, followed closely by the sound his laughter.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Tell me this first, are you doing okay? And I don’t mean because you’re here with me, I mean for yourself.” He asked seriously, tipping my head up with a finger under my chin. My eyes met his dark ones and I nodded sternly.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s been difficult lately, but yes. I’m working through it all with my </span>
  <span>shr</span>
  <span>-therapist. It’s </span>
  <span>gonna</span>
  <span> take time but I like to think I’ve made progress.” My answer must have satisfied him because that smile of his, the one with the crinkles in the corner of his eyes, appeared. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Good.” His lips met mine in a warm kiss that sent the butterflies wild. My hand left his to reach for his jaw, and then into his hair, pulling him closer against me. My nails lightly scraped at his scalp, earning a low hum from him that pleased me, though I’ll admit, I missed his long hair. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>When we pulled away from the tender kiss, I let my hand trail back down to his jaw where I thumbed his beard between my fingers.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“What about you?” I inquired. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah, you know... I’ve seen better days.” He admitted, looking away for a brief moment before his eyes returned to mine and he grinned cheekily. “I wrote a lot of depressing music.”</span>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <span>Epilogue - September 25th</span>
    
  </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Happy Birthday, Joji ♡ I love u and I'm sorry for writing this story about you lol</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0062"><h2>62. Epilogue</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“You look beautiful.” Ian smiled as he pinched a stay strand of my hair between his fingers and brushed it away from my forehead. I laughed lightly, beaming at him gratefully. </p><p>“Thanks. I feel like I’m gonna pass out, my heart is racing so fast.” I confessed, taking a deep breath in an effort to steady my wildly beating heart. </p><p>“Hey, it's alright,” He lightly pat me on my hand before handing me my bouquet of white lilies and a wicked grin took over his face. “It’s not too late to bail, ya know.” </p><p>I raised a single brow at him. </p><p>“No, I’m not running.” I stated confidently as I turned to look at myself in the full length mirror. I ran a single hand over my hair, soothing the visible strays back into shape with the rest of my loose curls. When the sound of music came through the large wooden doors, Ian and I turned to face each other. While I’m sure mine was one of fear, his was one of questioning.  </p><p>I exhaled loudly through my mouth as my heartbeat picked up so hard and fast it was painful.  </p><p>“I’m gonna throw up.” I whined, holding my palm to my chest and taking heaving breaths. Ian adjusted his tie in the mirror before turning and shooting me a pointed look. </p><p>“No time for that now, Liv. Let’s go.” He moved behind me, bending down to fix the train of my gown before he stood and took my arm in his. </p><p>“Ready?” He asked, looking down on me as he led me to stand directly in front of the doors. I swallowed the thick lump in my throat and nodded.  </p><p>“Yeah. Let’s do this.” </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The doors opened for us and the warm spring outside air rushed in, hitting us with the fragrant, sweet scent of cherry blossoms.  </p><p>I let Ian take the first step and pull me along until I found my stride beside him. We walked steadily together, arm in arm, down the pink petal covered aisle.  </p><p>My eyes searched, scanning the familiar and unfamiliar faces in the crowd before they eventually parted as we grew closer and I saw <em> him. </em> </p><p>There he stood, grinning widely. The crinkles around his eyes and adorable dimples providing testament to his happiness. </p><p>He’s a beam of sunlight. His face, his smile, his eyes, each and everything lights up my world. My heart skips a beat every time I see him, even after four years together, it never fails. </p><p>Before I met him, I’d convinced myself there was no such thing as real love or soulmates. I thought the latter was a word people threw around that they didn’t really mean, like love in general. Years of being told ‘this is normal, stick it out’ left me bitter and jaded when it came to that sort of thing. I thought maybe there was something wrong with me, there had to be. Everyone seems so to find the loves of their lives so easily, maybe I’m the problem.  </p><p>I’ve been told I was loved by people who didn’t really love me, and betrayed by those who said they would never hurt me. So, I chalked the notion of ‘soulmates’ up to the same pretty, meaningless drabble that people spit in the heat of the moment. <em> It’s not real, </em>  I had told myself.  <em> It's just people fooling themselves to keep from facing the sad reality. </em> </p><p>That theory came to a grinding halt the day he walked into my life. When he kissed me up on the roof the first time, I felt it in my bones. It was like a pull from a force beyond me saying <em> this is my other half, this is it. I am complete now </em>. Electricity shot through my veins, a sign that every fiber of my body was screaming to look at what was right in front of me.  </p><p>I guess I did the same for him too.  </p><p>“--I tried so hard not to look at you, not to touch you, not to fall in love with you, believe me,” he’d told me once a couple years ago after a particularly nasty fight we had. I’d been crying and we were on the verge of breaking up when the air shifted and we both slumped in exhaustion. Despite the things I’d said to him, he still comforted me; wiping the tears out from under my eyes with both thumbs.  </p><p>“but your laugh, your smile, your beautiful face... it all pulled me in.” </p><p>Getting to know Joji forced me to question myself and every aspect of my life. My wants, needs, intentions, beliefs, and morals. There was a force inside pulling me towards him even though I was with someone else. I made bad decisions and hurt the people I cared for with my indecision and naivety, but through it all, they were there... he was there. Offering me forgiveness for the things I’d done. Offering me his hand and his warmth even though at the time I felt I didn’t deserve it.  </p><p>George is better than me and that’s a fact. He would deny it, but it's true. No, he’s not perfect, he is human. We have argued and learned a lot of lessons the hard way together but it's all a part of growing. The part that matters that every fight ends in apologies and a new understanding of the other. </p><p>Overcoming my turmoil was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Reliving every memory was like drinking straight poison and it affected me in every way imaginable; mentally, physically, emotionally, and so on. But like with every facet of life, time heals all wounds. I went on, moved forward with George right beside me. </p><p>His eyes met mine and it all hit me at once. I held on to Ian tighter as the tears began to cloud my vision. I blinked them away and prayed to whoever was listening that I wouldn’t make a fool of myself by tripping or crying and looking like a melted clown.  </p><p>Max, who stood proudly beside Joji, leaned forward to catch a glimpse at his friend’s face. Joji wiped at his eyes quickly as Max whispered something and they both smiled.  </p><p>As the walk and the music came to an end, Ian stood in front of the altar beside me. </p><p>“Who gives this babe to be married to this douche?” Chad asked as he stood before us dressed in a tux that was far too fancy for him. Mixed reactions of gasps and laughter rang out from the crowd behind me as I giggled quietly.  </p><p>“Dude, what the fuck.” Ian muttered in annoyance while glaring at Chad.  </p><p>“Me.” He said out loud, unfurling his arm from mine and embracing me. I hugged him back, wrapping my arms around him and squeezing tight. I was so appreciative for my friends, especially Ian, who always had both mine and Joji’s best interests in mind while we navigated our complicated feelings. He never sugarcoated anything, and I respected that. </p><p>“Thank you, Ian.” I whispered as I let go of him. He nodded, smiling and I know I caught a glimpse of unshed tears in his eyes before he moved to stand behind Niki on my side.  </p><p>I caught Niki’s gaze as she stood at Chad’s right side in her beautiful pink maid of honor dress. She was bawling, completely flooding from her eyes and dabbing away the tears with a rolled up tissue.  </p><p>“Let’s begin.” Chad announced, clearing his throat. I faced Joji finally, holding my flowing between both hands. “George, do you take this absolute fox to be your lawfully wedded wife? To have and to hold, till death do you part?” </p><p>I locked eyes with Joji. I’d seen his face a million times before, but as I stared at him now, it was like the first time. His face was clean shaven and smooth, his hair finely groomed and shining beneath the small rays of sunlight that shone down between the leaves of the sakura tree above us.  </p><p>“I do.” He stated firmly, grinning and never breaking his gaze with mine. </p><p>“Please place her ring upon her finger.” Chad instructed. George turned around to face Max and they nearly fumbled the ring but thankfully didn’t. George turned back to me with a look of amusement on his face as he took my hand and carefully slid the gorgeous diamond ring he proposed to me with and the new white gold wedding band onto my ring finger.  </p><p>“Olivia, do you take this,” I shot Chad a look before his next word, which he stumbled over a bit before returning focus. “<em> man </em> to be your lawfully wedded husband? To have and to hold, till death do you part?”  </p><p>“I do.” It was so hard to keep the tremble out of my voice, but I think I pulled it off. George winked at me, a small gesture to assure me I did well.  </p><p>I turned to face Niki behind me who was in shambles and handed her my bouquet. She took it, holding it tight against her chest and offered me George’s ring in return. I took it carefully and returned to facing him. He lifted his hand and wiggled his fingers playfully at me, making me laugh. I grabbed his hand and focused intensely on getting my trembling fingers to steady long enough to slide his wedding ring onto his ring finger. </p><p>“As per Japanese tradition, the couple will participate in a sake sharing ceremony, which will bond them and their families as one.” Chad read from the book in his hand before stepping aside to allow for someone holding the cups and sake to enter. We were handed three cups one at a time filled with a small amount of the alcohol. I tried my best to refrain from gagging in front of all these people at the taste and sipped as gracefully as I could while Joji threw it back like Jäger.  </p><p>When we finished, Joji’s sweet, adorable mother joined us at the alter and sipped carefully at a single cup by George’s hand, officially uniting us as family. </p><p>When she sat back down in the front row, Chad’s eyes scanned the book of his lines and he spoke up loudly. </p><p>“By the power vested in me and the government of Osaka, I now pronounce you, Mr. and Mrs. George and Olivia Miller.” </p><p>The kiss that sealed our marriage was better than any we’d shared. All of George’s love poured out through it and I could feel it so strongly I wanted to burst into tears. I replied with my deep love for him, hoping he could feel it too. Tiny pink cherry blossom petals landed on our heads and all around us, blessing the ground we stood on. </p><p>We pulled away and grinned at each other before he took my hand in his and turned us to face our family and friends. </p><p>I saw the faces of George’s...or rather, <em> our </em> new family. Some I had met on my first trip here to Japan with Joji two years ago for Christmas. His uncles, aunts, cousins, and grandparents all made attendance and clapped excitedly for us. In the crowd stood Sean, my boss who hired me to work as a label manager shortly after I graduated. Brian and the rest of Joji and Niki’s labelmates from 88 cheered loudly. The new investors who believed in them and gave them a second chance, Jenna and Julien, made the time to fly here just for us. Kevin, my shrink of three years and now latest addition to our friend group, cried as he clapped. He completely wrecked most of us at video games on game night so there was a bit of friendly rivalry between him and Max. George’s angel of a mother stood beside his father in the front row, smiling at us proudly. She made me feel like I was her daughter all along and I had only just been away for a while. Her warm hugs and kindness reminded me so much of her son. </p><p>I felt Joji raise our conjoined hands in excitement as we stood before our family. Delicate pink petals floated down, several landing in my husband’s shiny raven hair. He beamed at me so brightly, his eyes wrinkling a little in the corners with his joy. My heart soared as the adoration I had for him filled me to the core. He leaned down, kissing my lips gently and I closed my eyes happily accepting his love in return. Beyond the cheers from our family and friends, and shuttering clicks of the photographer’s camera, I had but one thought. </p><p>I found a new reason to breathe; not just for him but for myself, because I deserve this love. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The End. </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Special thanks to:<br/>Musicmanniac1<br/>Oteymouse<br/>Toziersglasses<br/>Curlyhairedcunt<br/>MartinastylinsonR5<br/>Bibibibibini<br/>Hoforbangtan<br/>Icantstandthisputa<br/>Mysteryuserlol<br/>Pce235<br/>Okdenguessnot4<br/>Honeywithoutz<br/>I_kinda_like_joji<br/>Mariku9<br/>S-idemen<br/>666kidsindabasement<br/>Joj_sushi<br/>Dkodoj<br/>Kc_hates_life<br/>Yo-gabygaby<br/>Westansebastianstan<br/>Schklabinski<br/>NoviantiPujiastuti<br/>Tomies<br/>Zzzz95<br/>EsteCuthalion<br/>Booman<br/>Lonelylovergirl<br/>ChloesBurbank<br/>MJ<br/>Dianamandarinau<br/>Japanese_eggplant93</p><p>and every single person who took the time to read my story. God, I appreciate you so much! You have a special place in my heart for supporting me, thank you all!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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